Saturday, May 27, 2017


He said do you have any Keebler Elves or peanut butter crackers or Kellogg items in the clappboards  you’d better throw them away. Yes I said then I asked why from the deep down of my bed the fog and deep deep down. Because he said salmonella poisoning in every one with a secret hidden hiccup in his voice but I lied I have nothing of the sort in my clappboards  and never have but I was immediately Tipi Hedren on the set of an Alfred Hitchcock movie with a ladder in my stocking and something weird inside my hair I have forgotten my lines and I’m going to be in trouble. Come here come here roll on top of me he said let's build a fort of our bodies your peanut butter crackers are safe as milk which is never safe not for me or the cow or Captain Beefheart or Tipi Hedren who knows better now with her animal preserve and perfectly coiffed hair. The fog is thick enough I could throw a ball into it and it would not accept its trajectory. It would simply hover like a bad prop from a janitor’s closet at Universal Studios. Good morning. I've been planting poppies radishes and cucumbers in pearls and my sky blue dress. I have recently cut my benzodiazepine intake by half and it makes me sick to my stomach and shaky and even weirder than usual. What are you up to on this truly Saturnday morning Darklings?

Thursday, May 25, 2017


there is a family of red-wing black birds living here and the males are so stunning that I gasp every time I see them even though they like to peck at my ripe strawberries my ex-mother-in-law Fay once told me that the birds were just telling me how to pick the sweetest fruit

winding sheets

yesterday I planted Marylinn Magnolia it is not the largest tree I've ever planted but it was huge and my yard aka The Forest is full of rocks and roots and rich loamy soil and it took me hours to dig the hole resting in between shoveling but she is happy and thriving this photo is crap as are most of my photos this one especially because I took it from the deck before I walked down the hill to water her thus the arrow

I spend my days outside gardening watching the birds and deer and bunnies and butterflies and bees or inside in bed wrapped as tightly as possible in my blankets crying I eat the same thing everyday hummus on a single serving friend pita for breakfast an apple peeled and cut into slices then sprinkled with kosher salt then dipped into low sodium peanut butter (yes I think it's funny too) and black bean huevos rancheros for dinner in fact I'm cooking black beans right now since I ran out last night I did however start up the grill and cooked some fresh corn and later maybe tonight I'm going to make some fry bread and then put some rocket and olive oil and red pepper flakes on it and heat it in the oven then heat up the corn and eat it all with a ripe burrata a meal I have been craving since I had it on my first day in NY last August the rest of the time I play with Jupiter our play includes me running through the house with Jupiter winding in and out between my legs trying to trip me up so I fall and break my neck then she can eat my body in her tidy killer way or we play hide and seek she is a good hider as you can see 

sometimes she hides in plain sight

she likes to drink from the faucet the one in the master bathroom and the kitchen faucet as well I turn on the spigot and she dips her dainty paw in then licks the water off her paw

it's probably a good thing I don't have grandchildren the photo bombling would never end which reminds me The Surfer is in Montana and he doesn't know that I cut up the tree that was fallen in the front yard aka The Forest when I bought the house and a fallen tree in your yard might seem odd but this is The Forest and this is not the first fallen tree I've slaughtered here ain't that a beautiful stack of wood? 

this morning I watered the garden and Figgy Pudding and Marylinn Magnolia and the bower which now looks like this then I assembled an on-the-fly clothes line and washed my bedclothes including the duvet cover and hung them outside in the honest to bog sun and this all of this is why I'm not writing here much it's all so pedestrian and boring but I am pure inside it though I may or may not have broken my wedding ringless toe this morning while running through the house with Jupiter it hurts like a son of a bitch and is quickly turning purple

oh and I got a haircut here I am in B/W and look! I finally ditched my Christmas nightgown and put on a summer dress I made the photo B/W so you can't easily see the capillaries that have exploded on my face from puking which I haven't done in at least a week (my high fiber diet likes to stay in even the eggs for dinner good farm fresh eggs that I buy from Sharran the lady with the sick horse $3 for a dozen)

that's it for now Darklings I think I need to put my foot up love and kisses from Summer's End

Friday, May 19, 2017

the day before yesterday Jupiter killed a wee mouse and I found it dashed in front of my very ancient very heavy round mirror which I have yet to hang and I buried the mouse in THE KILLING FIELDS of my forest then thanked Jupiter with my whole heart this morning she was singing her kill song and I went to the kitchen (no more bare feet when it's dark) and Jupiter was staring intently into my Wizard of Oz™ cookie jar in which I keep my cooking utensils the mouse was still alive and I carried the cookie jar to the deck and let her run away wee mouse #2 will probably come right back in tonight but it is so good to have a forest smart kitty who is proud to keep this house mouse-free and she has no interest in leaving mouse heads in my bed or anywhere for that matter

this morning I bought two fans because it's supposed to get hot
my snap dragons have sprung
I watched this deer and she watched me as I drank tea on the deck after the cookie jar caper

here is my fig tree named Figgy Pudding it just seems a miracle that such proud leaves could appear at the end of a stick

I puked so hard two nights ago that I broke a blood vessel under my right eye a big one hideous

I am so happy that I can't even believe it

hello Darklings I hope spring shines her savage face away from you and hurry summer

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

depressed and happy at the same time
I planted the bower in mid-April right before I went to the hospital and now it looks glorious in its rich mink collar
I'm cooking even more black beans they are happy to live in me in spite of me farting so much my nightgown balloons out in back like a circus trick when I get up or run etc

I built this thing using the directions for about six seconds I do much better intuitively I still don't understand the "cup holder" which is simply a piece of bent wire and I mantled then dismantled the warming rack which I think is where you are supposed to let your "meat rest" which my bean burgers do not require

I planted my sedums and some other stuff and stuck it in front of The Surfer's window because the rain would not stop though it has now and I'm typing this on the deck in a sweatshirt and my men's pajama bottoms from Sears

I also planted three of my tomato starts which were getting so big they almost have flowers they're not interesting enough for a photo yet

I locked myself out of the house this morning and had to remember under which tree I had planted my spare key it was this one

this is what my kitchen table looked like after I went to the farmers market I bought the fruit at the Duck Blood store in the city this photo makes me want to cry it is so full of riches including the table itself

it's hard to write and my stomach still bothers and aches and hurts though I take zofran every day now for nausea

I am utterly happy and also depressed and probably skimming the edge of mania I wish you could all hear the birds out here


Saturday, May 13, 2017

I just bent over to get the plastic wrap out of the bottom clappboard and I literally yelped and Jupiter came running in and skidded on her butt so quick was she to see if I had finally caught a mouse then I bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher and yelped in pain again (this is good pain the kind you get from lifting manly trees into and out of your car then carrying manly trees into the back forty etc)

I forgot to write about watching Jupiter catch a mouse in the house I woke to a soft batting sound and turned on my little bedside light and there was Jupiter playing with a tiny mouse batting it around flipping it up in the air then catching mouse on the way down and Jupiter was in full joy mode and mouse made a sound that an extremely sharp #2 Ticonderoga pencil tip might make had it a voice

I ran for the friendly mouse trap and put it in the bathroom and shut the door and mouse climbed right in and I released her into the wild (across the street where it is so wild you'll sink in a pond if you aren't careful have I mentioned that this entire island is a protected water land?) I probably wrote that incorrectly but be careful where you step!

after which I rewarded Jupiter by letting her sleep on my face and kiss me with her mousy breath she was spectacular

Island Citizen

I had a very big day
I took myself out to breakfast and ordered a swiss cheese and mushroom omelette and roasted potatoes had one bite of each while watching the low tide on the Saratoga Passage and managed to keep both bites down then took the rest home in a box

then I took a big bag of clothes and shoes and books to CASA (the animal shelter where Jupiter and I discovered one another) for their flea market next weekend and perused their bake sale with the bites of egg and potato fighting each other in my belly

then I drove to Orchard's Nursery (come on that is the funniest name for a business EVER and it truly is their name) and bought myself my magnolia finally FINALLY!!! it is formally named a Marilyn Magnolia but I have named it Marylinn here it is not yet planted (you would have laughed at me had you seen me wrestle the beast into Sweet Lime I know because several burly men stood around and laughed at me as I thought it through (I put the front passenger seat of Sweet Lime all the way back then put Marylinn in the front seat and put her top through the open back window behind the driver's seat) I envisioned it I saw it spatially goddamn it and it worked perfectly then those burly men (none of whom offered to help because they could see I did not welcome their help and would not have let them help had they offered) welcomed me into their sweaty-balled ham-fisted manly club with an actual round of applause then I drove home and wrangled her out of Sweet Lime and carried her to the back yard and stuck her where she's going to live though I did not plant her because by then my back was screaming at me and I felt muscles that are not even actually muscles

here is where she'll live tomorrow or next week whenever I take enough hot baths to ease the sore out of my back I took this photo from my deck so she looks smaller than she is

here is what her fragrant blooms will look like probably next spring

after all that wrestling I realized I had broken two fingernails not in a tragic way just in the kind of way that if I touched a child he'd scream in fear thinking a raggy-ass finger monster was after him so I went to the Bait and Tackle shop to get a manicure from Anna who always calls me Mary and she is so adorable and quiet and our conversations are so funny that I won't ever correct her and after she cleaned me up and started painting my nails she said are you going to prom tonight? which made me laugh so hard I almost puked (actually almost puked and yes prom is tonight) and when I get laughing it's horrifying like a tortured farm animal I COULD.NOT.STOP. and the rest of the women in the tiny salon started laughing so I described my pink dress and how I had to go get my hair put up and how I was going to walk around prom telling dancing children to make sure they left enough space between their bodies for the holy spirit and I just had so much fun because even though I am no good among people I am very good among people for an extremely short amount of time

after that I went to the Boy Scout car wash where they made a mess of Sweet Lime and all the fathers were yelling at the boys which made me kind of sad which reminds me I lost control of the cart I was moving Marylinn on and got my first scratch on Sweet Lime and I'm relieved because when you have a new car you keep waiting for that first ding or scratch and once it's over you can kind of relax at least that's how it's always been for me

after that I followed a sign reading BARN SALE which took me to a brand new part of the island and I don't know what I thought I'd find in that BARN SALE but it was no regulation garage sale they had saddles and tack and fishing rods and reels and bicycles and I found those blocks up top and the Barn Lady said they were $5 and very old (I mentioned the two missing blocks whose holes were filled with blocks from another smaller puzzle) and I told her I really wanted them but I only had $1.43 in my pocket and she let me have it for $1.43 even though I had a twenty dollar bill also in my pocket which pleased the Used Car Salesman's Daughter in me no end and it is beautiful and will look stunning in the library and I think Henry would have loved it and there are four nursery rhymes on this block set

on the way home from the BARN SALE I saw this very sad goat I have raised goats from babies up and rams too and no way should a goat EVER have a chain around its neck no way never I parked a little bit down the road in a thicket of blackberry bushes thinking I could free the goat from his chain but the place was surrounded in barbed wire also sad poor little goat also there were a whole pile of free alpacas and llamas in the field behind the sad goat they have no chains not one

Oh! I have strawberries

after all this excitement I went to the grocery store to buy all the things I need to make a Raspberry Galette Bretonne with Honey Vanilla Pastry Cream but I was so hungry by the time that I got home I had eaten an entire box of raspberries so I'm just going to make the pastry which has sour cream in it and refrigerate it overnight fruit is easy on my stomach as long as it doesn't have skin so raspberries and diet Sprite for dinner I'll get more raspberries tomorrow

I've come to the end of my very long tale

Love to you Darklings who keep coming back I want you to know that even when I'm puking my guts out I am soaking in happiness all the time which is why I haven't been writing much I am filling my well tomorrow I plan on driving to Seattle to the first farmer's market of the season if I can and if I can

Saturday, May 6, 2017

This morning the sun shone on Summer's End
I got up got out all the ingredients I needed to make pierogies
Then I put all the ingredients back in the refrigerator
Then I went back to bed still in my Christmas nightgown
And cried the rest of the day while craving strawberry ice cream with cheapo chocolate syrup the kind that comes in a tin from Pennsylvania but I lacked the petunias to drag my weepy butt out of bed and drive to the Bait and Tackle shop close to me so the ice cream and chocolate became naught

I would make a terrible shrink but I'll be your life coach for money and if this doesn't suit you then skip on down skip on down the road

Time to puke

Friday, May 5, 2017

All energy flows according to the whims of the great magnet. ~ Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

it's been weird hasn't it?
weirdness every-fucking-where
online (bickering whining terror honest to bog terror) or simplistic FB memes that seem ridiculous in the face of these times
outside too yesterday in the parking lot of the one big supermarket here in Island County they held a community-wide prayer meeting and although I didn't attend I can tell you for a fact that they weren't praying for the disenfranchised the poor the ill the wide Latino population here who work the fields and farms and bag our groceries and cook our restaurant meals no this prayer meeting was for he-who-shall-not-be-named

I have never before wished a grave illness on anyone but I have wanted someone dead and I do now again

it's been really fucking weird and while I am happy in my corner of the forest I am shutting the world at large out as much as I can and I think everyday of writing here but I am loathe to turn on my computer and let the vile leak all over me

in other news I bought some raspberry plants from the lady who owns the buffalos(bison) who I have named Brenda and Kevin though I didn't tell her that I didn't even really want the raspberry plants I just wanted to get close to the bison and I did and they are amazing

yesterday the sun came out and I got outside and prepared one of the raised garden beds I pulled weeds and plants and tugged on roots and shoveled the dirt turned every inch of it over then I spread some good organic compost then I spread a layer of eggshells on that then I put some rich top soil on top of that then I added some manure then I added some more top soil then I added mulch and by then I felt amazing and it was 73 degrees and I raked all the pinecones off the path (the hill) that leads to my mailbox then I went to Dari-Delite for a veggie burger then I came home and promptly puked it all up and today not only am I sick my shoulders hurt my armpits hurt and my back hurts

here is the first box or part of it as soon as I went to take the photo it started raining and we had a four hour thunderstorm so I had to take the photo from the kitchen window you can see all the weeds I pulled and about 1/4 of the bed sorry it's all reflectivey once it stops raining this afternoon (if it stops) I'll put the green stuff I pulled out into the green recycling bin

yesterday while I was working three deer came into the yard and one gigantic jack rabbit also appeared they wanted to know what I was planting and when was dinner I told them I had tomatoes and cucumber seeds and three different kinds of radish seeds and carrots and peppers ready to go and that they were welcome to eat my son's roses instead

I have been cooking enchilada sauce all morning
I mopped the kitchen floor
my armpits hurt from pulling out stubborn roots and I thought of Mary the entire time I was getting the first bed ready I have three more to go and I will continue to think of Mary as I plant and weed and dig and make the soil loamy and rich

I am reading a cookbook called The Gefilte Manifesto by Jeffrey Yoskowitz and Liz Alpern which is amazing with a huge entire section on making pickles RECOMMENDED!!! and Patricia Lockwood's memoir Priestdaddy and I'm watching Neil Gaiman's American Gods also recommended very violent but beautiful magical realism and I read the book ten years ago so I'm prepared for the awful parts none of which are as bad as the so-called-real-world and listening to Joni Mitchell the rest of the time Court and Spark and Blue

well the oven just beeped at me begging for enchiladas the cats continue to parallel play I bought a small charcoal grill and the seed catalogs finally arrove smelling like Christmas and peonies

ps. I've had those frog candle sticks since 1970 I had to light candles around the house last night because we lost power during the storm and I cannot yet afford a generator


psps. I met the woman who owns the foal that I saw being born apparently the foal has a tortured intestine (it turns out so do I) they are not sure the foal will live but she is chestnut with a blond mane and tiny and also PYGMY GOATS! oh bog they make me laugh like crazy they live with the colt and his owner named Sharran I really liked Sharran and she just hugged me after we talked and giggled I'm not the only old hippie on this island thank bog

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Is it for such I agitate my heart?

Monday, May 1, 2017

May 1

Sun worship
Lilacs and frogs

Now it's raining again

I have been sick
For instance three days ago I fainted on the toilet and ended up naked on the bathroom floor after cracking my head on my beautiful slate wall
My whole body feels like it was in a car crash
I have about 5 good minutes a day where I can sit up without nausea so stop whining even in a passive aggressive way about me not answering your comments or not being there to fix you or whatever imagined slight you shoved on me pretty easy to see it's me since you removed my name from your blog roll if you think I'm your savior you're not paying attention
I am too sick to fix you
Or me

Two days ago a hummingbird flew through my hair
This morning a bunnie hopped up on my deck 

Jupiter and Orlando are already friends

Monday, April 24, 2017

Weekend update

I know it isn't a weekend but we live on island time here which is time for people who wear nightgowns all year and don't look at clocks

Jupiter was given a rabies vaccination and had her temperature taken up her butt (sorry Jupe) her teeth are fine her heart sounds fine New Vet said Jupiter probably caught an upper respiratory  infection at the shelter and it should be gone in  a week and if it isn't bring her back in which is exactly what I told the boy but that nose bleed scared me the vet said she may have broken a blood vessel from sneezing

I am nervous as a mother with a colicky newborn

thank you Darklings who remembered us in your prayers to The Animal Gods


Jupiter sneezed out blood yesterday
I think she might have an upper respiratory infection
or something else who knows
taking her to the vet at 3:40 this afternoon

I feel sick too and my palms are sweating from nerves/fear I hope the vet is honest a drive to My Darling Veterinarian is now out of the question so I'm going in blind

say a prayer to The Animal Gods for us if you can and if you can


Sunday, April 23, 2017

Sunday edition

I have been sick (again) for a while it feels like forever I have been flat in bed with Jupiter playing around me or sleeping in my armpit or talktalktalk talking she is a very talkative young cat she is no longer sequestered all the time now I take turns letting The Evil Orlando have the run of the house then Jupiter gets the run of the house and Orlando gets sequestered etc. and for a kitty who just got spayed and vaccinated and had a chip implanted and a broken hip then had to live in an animal shelter she is feisty and good-hearted and she adores TEO and has acknowledged TEO's dominance even though Jupiter is twice Orlando's size they have sniffed each other and touched noses but Orlando only has about ten seconds of Jesus love in her heart when it comes to Jupiter but this is easy going and I think in another week they will exist side by side then they will be friends Orlando has always had a companion cat

Jupiter chose my market basket for her kitty bed though I bought her a fluffy kitty bed which she ignores she drinks out of the tub and and and

she's a mouser

when I first had this house appraised I asked the appraiser if there were any rodents in the crawl space under the house and he said rather snootily you realize you're living in the forest right? and I was schooled I have caught two in mouse friendly cages and released them into the woods Jupiter is less kind and much more efficient and I praised her for (oddly to me for a second) howling and stalking the cupboard in my bathroom and then she dispatched mouse with the precision of a Celebrity Chef and that was that

she is friendly and sweet and loves my son and me equally

this morning I was able to eat some yogurt then I went out to the deck in my nightgown armed with a toothbrush and some clean water and I scrubbed the bird bath and thanked St. Francis and then I came back in the house and baked an herbed omelette with goat cheese five eggs and cream and gruyere for my son's Sunday visit

now I'm wiped out (again) and weak and stupid and must take to my bed like a flaky Victorian dowager


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Meet Jupiter

She's two years old and is healing from a broken hip. I adopted her this morning from the Camano Island Animal Shelter.

We are all in stupid love here at Summer's End.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

yesterday I had to get my taxes prepared because I no longer have the mental stability to do them myself this is because of my disease which is degenerative these days I look at forms and numbers and numbers move around on the page and the forms are in a language that is now foreign to me and so it is and so I had terrible stress Thursday knowing I had to go see a tax person in an office and explain that I was disabled and had not made enough money the past two years to even bother filing for taxes so I drove to La Conner to look at the tulips and fallingdown barns and hawks and cows and goats and farms a road trip always helps then yesterday morning I went to the tax person I managed to get all my tax paper ducks in a row I don't know why I worry about it so much I do keep clean and careful files which is easy to do when you are poor and only have one tax document but I am grateful that I advised Boeing to take a crapload of money out of my pension check for taxes because I will get enough on my return to pay the taxes on my house all of this tax business though makes me feel itchy and sick though it went impossibly easy but I could hear myself talking word salad I couldn't stop the words from flying through my mouthhole talking about my crazy my poor past my dead mother all of it the weirdness the crazy growing wings and flying out of my body with knives all of it bad leaving the house talking in a closed space all of it sick making

then I came home and baked this gluten free sour cream cheesecake and it is delicious I had some for breakfast with fresh strawberry coulis and the gluten free graham crackers didn't really cut it for the crust but it still tastes like Easter to me and so far it's stayed inside yes I have a pink cake stand of course I do

The Surfer will be gone tomorrow the first time ever he has been gone on Easter ever and I feel a little bit bad but not bad enough to let him know and I'm making a lasagna just for the hell of it and today I am cleaning cleaning cleaning and in a few minutes I'm driving to Seattle for the last of my prescriptions at my old chemist and to make a stop at the cannabis store and to check for figs at the Duck Blood Store and to go on the hunt for lilacs to liberate

as soon as they are available I'm going to buy a large magnolia and two different lilac trees for my yard I am outside most of the days now even in the rain and all of Summer's End is greeny and smells like the very best day of camp inside the house are vases of tulips and daffodils all over in every room


Wednesday, April 12, 2017

I am notating . It is inside an oven inside my face a red sky sloop-down weeppweepweep. I am stained beyond anything that might occur in the bathtub at night. In the morning [L] sat on my chest and begged that my fever and I stay home stay home he was the Magicker sleek and black we are dizzy with mustard pricks. I cried and the phone flung itself out of my hand. My throat is a yellow eyeglass. My lungs are wasps. To-day. Just sit. To-morrow the same. Sunday I will go to mass and beg forgiveness.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Summer's End on Holy Tuesday

one of the first things I put in my Dream Bible was to one day have a kitchen window in which I could grow herbs which I use prodigiously in my cooking so today I celebrated by planting my first pot of rosemary sage lemon thyme and mint which were the only herbs available at the nursery still it pleases me no end


then I planted strawberries on the deck lots of them because one can never have too many strawberries right outside one's back door

even gargoyles love Easter

in the parlor

my mood today

ps. my son took that last one and I'm laughing not puking though that's probably how I look right before I puke I don't know as that involves horrible retching and not posing


Holy Tuesday

Here is what "The Bible Gateway Drug" says about Holy Tuesday

Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.
When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. “How did the fig tree wither so quickly?” they asked.
Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

I don't think so

Monday, April 10, 2017

Two important things

1. I was looking for the email address of an old friend when I discovered an archived email I sent to myself when my computer was dying in 2013. The email contains 10 Henry poems that I completely forgot about. HOLY SHIT I THOUGHT I WAS FINISHED WITH THE BOOK VERY GLAD I HAVE YET TO GIVE IT TO A PUBLISHER.

2. I forgot the second thing on account of I got so excited running into Henry just four days before his 150th birthday.

Holy Monday

this is probably my favorite Bible story because Jesus had just traveled all the way to Jerusalem only to find the nasty money lenders (banks, those payday cash loans places, creditors, bill collectors, slumlords and the IRS) doing their business in the temple and he turned their tables over and coins flew everywhere rolling along those stone floors into god knows what kind of crevices forever then Jesus whipped them with his donkey stick until they bled and created the Red Sea meek and mild? I don't think so

I decided to treat my Palm Sunday misery to some retail therapy which turned out to be a very bad idea first off I almost drove into two different ditches and I kept rolling over the road turtles that warn you that you're about to get killed by a giant flatbed truck carrying forty huge cedar trees this is how my head gets when depression and anxiety meet up in there to cause trouble

I drove to the grocer's and bought two baby watermelons four champagne mangoes and fifteen small cartons of yogurt which is about all I eat these days then I stopped at Orchard's Nursery (their name really is Orchard) where I bought a concrete birdbath that is a wide shallow bowl with bunnies frolicking around its edge and also Saint Francis of Assisi that's right I bought RELIGIOUS STATUARY but it was 30% off and I can put it on the deck right outside my bedroom window I was so excited about it about having an actual birdbath instead of using my bread bowl which is unsanitary to say the least and also my bread bowl broke last time when it accidentally froze over night with water in it then I called my son and told him he'll have to pick up the birdbath because it weighs a trillion pounds when he rolls around this week and I was driving as I was on the phone and he was cranky in the orchard and he yelled at me because he said the birdbath will bring mosquitoes and I reminded him that I live on an island forfucksake there is water everywhere EVERYWHERE and there will be mosquitoes but not in my birdbath because if you change the water in a birdbath every seven to ten days you can beat the mosquitoes at their game sheesh he treats me like a beginner

and I cried of course

then I thought a manicure would be just the thing for me so I went to the little salon at the IGA and picked out the softest pink imaginable but quick as a hummingbird Anna my manicurist ran and grabbed the most hideous shade of pink on the face of the planet and began slathering my nails with it she said it matched my skin I told her I was too old she laughed at me and I really like her so now I am stuck with it

when I got home I bought this dress which is the correct shade of pink I hope and I'm sure I'll look exactly like this girl when I wear it

here are my hideously pink fingernails and my old lady hand and my healthy plants the bright side being maybe a hummingbird will alight on me thinking I'm a begonia

I had coffee on the deck this morning wearing the peacoat my son bought for me at the Army Navy Surplus Store when we started moving in December the coat is HUGE three of me could fit inside I thought I was smiling when I photographed myself but now that I reconsider I see that I am probably grimacing because I had my nightie on (of course) and the peacoat doesn't cover my bottom and I was sitting on a metal folding chair and my butt was frozen to said metal chair though my grimace looks rather royal to me if I pretend that the enormous hood is a crown

I have to go my computer is out of juice and is about to go to sleep and besides I have Easter eggs to dye


Sunday, April 9, 2017

Sunday Special panicattackoutofnowhere

god I wish Denzel would comfort me tell me it's okay it's okay

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Boreingest blog post ever

my stomach aches right now so this post will be boring
you've been warned

my fig tree might not look like much to you but it looks like the whole wide world to me

I dug up my Lady In The Bathtub/Bleeding Heart/Dicentra Spectabilis (which sounds like a wizarding spell from Harry Potter) in the dead cold of winter during my move here and threw it in a pot hoping it would survive and look what I discovered this morning! JOY!

this is a Fairy Path in my back yard not to be confused with the Deer Trail

here I am looking exactly this fuzzy and tired and exhausted HELLO! her pancreas screamed on the brink of 64 years but I still have the best hair though I haven't brushed it in three months and prednisone has given me squirrel cheeks also YES I STILL HAVE MY NIGHTIE ON but I wash it every day almost

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Pee Ess

I meant to write about how ungrounded I felt in this house until finally finally I was able to unearth my books my constant companions and champions through the sum of my years that until yesterday I felt I was living in a hotel even as I love this house this land I needed my familiar landscapes that particular smell that beloved books give to a room the knowledge contained therein books old and still unread beloved with skin thin pages and stains and broken spines the library of my heart

Dear Darklings,

I want to answer each of your comments but you fly in so swiftly then I think I can sit up then I puke and tire and yet I spent the past three days putting my library together I only have three boxes of books left I had to lie down about halfway through each box exhausted with dusting and absolutely zero arranging happened with the exception of my children's books which have their own smaller (63 inches tall) shelf which looks so happy in the pink and green library which I decided to keep pink and green because they are both colors I adore

here is the window that was not going to be a bookshelf but now is (I need to buy two more large bookcases but this month I paid taxes on the house and bought a chainsaw so the bookcases will wait or I will find them with a FREE sign on them in a stranger's yard) with a macaroni and toy necklace my son made when he was three in daycare on the left and on the other side is the stuffed satin Sufi heart I made when I lived on the mountains that I've held onto for all these years (just a few scant years later I got that heart tattooed on my back but that is another post except for the fact that when I was recently in hospital one of the very young nurses asked WHEN DID YOU GET THAT TATTOO? and I answered 1907 because no one got tattoos when I actually got that tattoo and I really think that most youngsters these days getting heavily tattooed don't think of how that tattoo will age as their bodies age I guess most youngsters don't actually believe they'll age at all) and a small painting by Angela Simione but I digress much better than I digest

this is a fuzzy photo of the large trio of bookcases on the north side of the room my books are just up there helter skelter along with the actual book Helter Skelter but I feel so much more normal (okay go ahead and laugh I know I did) the only arranged books at all are the top shelf of the middle bookcase where all my Bukowski books (all of them that were ever written) and subsequent Bukowski materials including three comic books illustrated by Robert Crumb I still believe Buk was one of the finest short story writers of the 20th century and I believe this will eventually be discovered by all the snoot nose bluestockings who consider Bukowski a homeless drunk when in fact he worked harder at the writing business from the dirt up that any writer I know of

my art supplies are in the box on my little table that is blocking the photo my large easel is in the open closet that I have yet to photograph


my son is still here so he drove me to DOGNURSE today which was a whole stress thing for me and tomorrow he is leaving for the orchard and I am thankful and I am grateful for his stewardship and parenting of me something he thinks I need and I probably do and now I hurt my stomach hurts from being upright too much today


Saturday, April 1, 2017

The truth will set you free, but not until it's finished with you.
~ David Foster Wallace

Friday, March 31, 2017

this morning I sat on the deck and drank a cup of tea in my nightgown and my fancy pink wool coat finally tea on the deck for the first time
the birdsong was astounding
I discovered an ornamental cherry tree I think it's a Kwanzan but I have to let it flower out before I can identify it for sure right now there are soft purplish-pink petals on it there are red leaves on my Japanese maple little white flowers below the deck and purple wood violets all over the forest floor
there were five bunnies frolicking near the deer path I had to hold very still to see them at first I thought they were giant squirrels thank The Animal Gods for my binoculars which travel everywhere with me these days
yesterday I vomited hard 20 ounces worth in one of those blue measurable hospital puke bags it was pretty serious I think I vomited stuff that had been in me since 1971 as well as the phenergan which Jackson (my new doctor is named Jackson first name and he told me to call him Jackson not doctor anything) prescribed for me since the zofran was not working
obviously not working
there is a black bear on my island named Cody I did not name him I hope he visits I have a picture of him that I will scan as soon as I can
I visit the buffalos every day now on my way to the beach it is so nice to have actual buffalos as neighbors instead of the horrible people buffalos who were my last neighbors


my son is on his way here I asked him if he could drive me to La Conner to see if the tulips are blooming I think the tulip festival starts tomorrow but I may have dreamed that

I'm going to get dressed in actual clothes now then lie down and concentrate on keeping my yogurt in

Happy Friday Darklings I believe hope is in the air

My Mother Would Be a Falconress

My mother would be a falconress,
And I, her gay falcon treading her wrist,
would fly to bring back
from the blue of the sky to her, bleeding, a prize,
where I dream in my little hood with many bells
jangling when I'd turn my head.

My mother would be a falconress,
and she sends me as far as her will goes.
She lets me ride to the end of her curb
where I fall back in anguish.
I dread that she will cast me away,
for I fall, I mis-take, I fail in her mission.

She would bring down the little birds.
And I would bring down the little birds.
When will she let me bring down the little birds,
pierced from their flight with their necks broken,
their heads like flowers limp from the stem?

I tread my mother's wrist and would draw blood.
Behind the little hood my eyes are hooded.
I have gone back into my hooded silence,
talking to myself and dropping off to sleep.

For she has muffled my dreams in the hood she has made me,
sewn round with bells, jangling when I move.
She rides with her little falcon upon her wrist.
She uses a barb that brings me to cower.
She sends me abroad to try my wings
and I come back to her. I would bring down
the little birds to her
I may not tear into, I must bring back perfectly.

I tear at her wrist with my beak to draw blood,
and her eye holds me, anguisht, terrifying.
She draws a limit to my flight.
Never beyond my sight, she says.
She trains me to fetch and to limit myself in fetching.
She rewards me with meat for my dinner.
But I must never eat what she sends me to bring her.

Yet it would have been beautiful, if she would have carried me,
always, in a little hood with the bells ringing,
at her wrist, and her riding
to the great falcon hunt, and me
flying up to the curb of my heart from her heart
to bring down the skylark from the blue to her feet,
straining, and then released for the flight.

My mother would be a falconress,
and I her gerfalcon raised at her will,
from her wrist sent flying, as if I were her own
pride, as if her pride
knew no limits, as if her mind
sought in me flight beyond the horizon.

Ah, but high, high in the air I flew.
And far, far beyond the curb of her will,
were the blue hills where the falcons nest.
And then I saw west to the dying sun--
it seemd my human soul went down in flames.

I tore at her wrist, at the hold she had for me,
until the blood ran hot and I heard her cry out,
far, far beyond the curb of her will

to horizons of stars beyond the ringing hills of the world where
the falcons nest
I saw, and I tore at her wrist with my savage beak.
I flew, as if sight flew from the anguish in her eye beyond her sight,
sent from my striking loose, from the cruel strike at her wrist,
striking out from the blood to be free of her.

My mother would be a falconress,
and even now, years after this,
when the wounds I left her had surely heald,
and the woman is dead,
her fierce eyes closed, and if her heart
were broken, it is stilld

I would be a falcon and go free.
I tread her wrist and wear the hood,
talking to myself, and would draw blood.

~ Robert Duncan

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

movement like water

things that have changed in the last 90 days:

I no longer fear the phone ringing
the forest does not press down on my chest at night the trees do not frighten nor do they oppress now
at dusk I listen to the owls from my deck throating huge echoes back and forth to one another
at dusk I listen to the frogs from my front porch they are noisy and happy
new music (owls frogs)
I have a dog friend Arthur who I adore even though I stepped in his poo in my slippers yesterday
I sleep with my binoculars and in the morning I listen to the wind and watch the sky
a hawk lives in my yard his legs are thick and feathered each time he comes I become entirely still
strangers have been stopping their cars on my dead end road and wandering around with cameras with giant lenses these are birders harmless people with as little interest in me as I have in them and I know this island is a birder's paradise
my smart watch reminds me to breathe mindfully for one minute every hour
there is no longer pain in my stomach
I still weep for my lost LB but I now believe I can someday forgive myself
I have a brand new doctor close by I see him tomorrow for the first time then I can fire the fake doctor doctor nurse and DOGNURSE is next except I need her for another year in order to ease my way through SSDI matters (I have to prove I'm still crazy after all these years to a caseworker this year and I'll need a note from DOGNURSE though I could just have them call the hospital haha)
I think I might become a writer again
my violin is awake
yesterday at the grocers I bought an honestly sweet watermelon four honeycrisp apples yogurt cauliflower an avocado roll cottage cheese provolone cheese and pre-made tomato soup as I don't have the energy to stand long enough to chop veggies to make it myself I almost fainted in the store no pain but no strength either
I dream of my soon to be garden constantly I make lists and have drawn plans
there is a blue spruce in my forest so startling and gorgeous I just found it two days ago
my Japanese maple is growing red leaves
I have such great joy and delight in watching my land open its fists to spring

things that "come right back up" and must be avoided:
wheat anything
eggs (eggs and I have never got along but now my body violently rejects them)


none of this is what I wanted to write about though
I got a notice for a class reunion and it got me thinking about the (then) boy who tortured me all through junior high and into high school by grabbing and rubbing my breasts and cupping my vagina pushing me against the wall in the music practice room shoving his tongue down my throat as he groped me and other horrible things I started thinking about him and I did a wee Google search and indeed I found him and now he lives in Texas with his children and grandchildren and he goes to church and plays violin in the church orchestra and of course I never told on him I never told anyone I didn't even speak to anyone until I was 27 and my life then was in grave danger without that asshole who gravitated toward my shy my weak my nearly invisible and the truth is I want to out him here I want to write his name here over and over until he Googles himself one day and finds out that I have done so and this horrifying man in the White House makes me think of being raped I cannot even look at his face without feeling that specific sick without feeling attacked and this (then) boy who made my skin crawl but who was more powerful than I keeps floating around in my brain his sweaty little hands his disregard for human decency up in his church there in Texas playing his violin I wonder if he is still vile still groping still harming I suspect so I wonder if there were others other sad silent wounded girls

that's what I really wanted to write about


Good spring morning Darklings it is light now and today I'm going to drive to the next town over to find my new doctor


Monday, March 27, 2017

Depression Before Spring

The cock crows
But no queen rises.

The hair of my blonde
Is dazzling,
As the spittle of cows
Threading the wind.

Ho! Ho!

But ki-ki-ri-ki
Brings no rou-cou,
No rou-cou-cou.

But no queen comes
In slipper green.

~ Wallace Stevens

Sunday, March 26, 2017


my friend came to visit my first ever visitor and she pointed out every little thing that was not perfect in Summer's End then she told me she voted for Lord Voldemort and my stomach flopped over then I took her to my little secret breakfast spot in the park and she ate and I pushed food around on my plate pretending to eat and I was sick and should not have gone but wanted to show off my house but now I feel bad about it I do this house is spectacular but not in a fancypants kind of way in her words this area is more rustic than I thought which was not a compliment well jesuscrispycakes I told her it was in the forest



also I spoke to my brother a while ago and he asked if I had met any of my neighbors and I told him I had met Karen and her dog Arthur but that Karen no longer speaks to me maybe because I'm always wearing my nightgown because I've been sick for so long and my brother said I thought that's how everyone dresses out there and I love him so goddamned much because he made me laugh for the first time in three months and he understands rustic I think because we are campers were raised as campers and it never left us

(I love you my brother thank you for that)

Dear Darklings, The Animal Gods were in attendance

some of you know I was in hospital again for pancreatitis I got out Wednesday I think or Tuesday I lost complete track of time hooked up as I was to a fairly steady stream of dilaudid which made my shoulders ache and my dreams spectacular after my son drove me to the ER in Mt. Vernon as I was puking on my shoes which btw if you ever want attention fast in a hospital puking is key this is my first day sitting up and I'm not sure how long I can sustain that but I wanted to write about how lovely the little hospital was how attentive the nurses were how careful the physicians after of course the fight over my psych meds which is always the same fight the same oh we don't want you to take them conversation until I swing wide and I warned them I would swing wide and I did because there is nothing like physical pain to bring about a depressive or manic episode so after the endless weeping saline in saline out so to speak they changed their minds

I had two dreams I remember distinctly the first was my son sitting in the chair next to my bed he got up and waked toward the bathroom door and as he walked he grew a thick orange and black swishing tail then he transformed into a tiger where he leapt on top of the bathroom door and sat watching me

the second dream was my son sitting in the chair next to my bed holding a huge golden dog and a huge black dog on leashes the dogs the size of full grown male lions

in the background during my stay the television stayed on a station that was playing Criminal Minds non-stop 24/7 I never watch Criminal Minds or any of those crime shows because of the ultra violence of them but I was so filled with drugs and pain that I could not find my way to the button on the bed that would turn off the television

I feel that my son and the Animal Gods were protecting me

this morning we went to the beach an 8 minute drive because I had to get out I noticed two giant buffalos in a yard where I had only before seen trees and meadow and cherry trees all over the place in their fancy pink it felt good to get dressed as it will feel good to get back into my soft nightgown here in a minute

I am about done but before I go I want to show you where I'm going to plant my garden as soon as I have the strength my son pulled the noisy goddamned rhododendrons out with a chain and his truck revealing three cantilevered raised garden beds right outside my kitchen and I am unsure of my use of cantilevered here which comes as no surprise since I recently did not have the where-with-all to turn my head to barf

here is the first giant rootball he pulled out and you can see the chain attached to it those rhodies were ten to twelve feet tall and I hate them as their petals are disgusting and sticky when they fall and even though they're pretty they are literally everywhere here as pesky as ivy

here are the three beds there are still some roots that need to be pulled but it hasn't stopped raining since that day it doesn't look like much yet but the beds are twelve feet long (the three together) and four feet wide and very deep perfect for tomatoes and zucchini and snow peas and carrots oh my

and one other thing right before I went to my wee visit away a male Rough-Legged Hawk or Buteo lagopus if you love words and names flew up right outside my bedroom window up up up into a tree where he perched forever until he flew down and left via the deer trail in my backyard according to my bird book he has a 53 inch wingspan I thought at first he was an owl come to collect my soul

that's all the news that fits as soon as my innards heal I'm going to the John Deere store to get me a chainsaw

and one of those green hats


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I slept exactly two hours last night and here I am confused muddle-headed thick and weird. Business as usual. The life bipolar. When? When did you get sick? DOGNURSE demands an answer.

Walking tall
You look at it all
You were not the same after that
Til someone died on the water slide
You were not the same after that
You got one good trick and you're hanging on
You're hanging on
You're hanging on
You're hanging on
You're hanging on
~ Ben Folds

Monday, March 6, 2017

For Mary Moon

Peeps 1 and 2


I haven't written here lately because I've had a severe case of pancreatitis I got hold of the physician who treated me when I was in hospital last year and she thankfully sent me ten Zofran to keep the womit in

today is the first day I have felt like eating I had chili now I am sorry I did but I'm still upright

I have a fig tree but it has been snowing and I haven't planted it on account of snow down my pants and the sick it doesn't look like much of a fig tree yet but trust me it will eventually the piglet and sleeping kitty and chunk of concrete with marbles embedded in it are from Paris the Genius Cat's grave they will guard the tree as she grows

I have been having a severe spiritual crisis since moving here the feeling that the Animal Gods turned their faces from me has been strong I suppose there are only a few people here who understand my relationship with them who realize that this is truly who I am (my son understands and my brother too) and I have been incredibly sad and lonely until the deer in the photo up top visited me this morning when I was having coffee on my deck she was huge and so calm and we looked at each other for a long time and I felt baptized and blessed and forgiven

I have named her Bliss

and it's snowing again


Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Shrove Tuesday

Friday, February 24, 2017

I have lived in Summer's End for exactly two months and one day

this morning is the first day since I've lived here that I've awakened or awoken or woke or awoke without stomach pain and nausea

I made my bed drank the last of the coffee washed the tablecloth and the other clothes put a fresh tablecloth on the table cleaned the junk out of my beautiful refrigerator Sailor and took the trash out to the bin also I turned off the television

I may be sane today

I'm going to the bakery to buy more coffee beans and to see if the palomino had her foal and to say hi to Sheila and to fill my gas tank so I can take another strange and beautiful road trip and to basically just be okay in the world which is a huge big deal


my son isn't here we had words (again) yesterday when he complained about where I moved the sofa he said it had no feng shui he knows as much about feng shui as I know about soccer which is basically nothing he actually said feng shui three times as I wondered who the heck is this person and where is my boy child? I suspect his new friend taught him the word I've never been concerned about feng shui because I think that throwing away something you love because it's chipped is crazy craycray no and I love the sofa where it is now it's perfect because I thought about where to put it for two months and one day my son and I fixed our words though when he came back and discovered I was gone (to La Conner) he called and asked can we start over which is how we keep the pot from bubbling everywhere our code words for forgiveness and fresh beginnings

Alice comes home on March 10th I can't wait to see her

it's cold outside but not inside

I'll be back


Thursday, February 23, 2017

little miracle

last December when I was making my last minute dash to escape the ghetto in 18 degree weather and snow I decided to dig up part of my winter flowering jasmine which was just a dry vine and tossed it in a plastic pot with a slim hope that it might survive here I put it on the deck by my bedroom and this is what I found this morning

after that discovery I hopped in my car to force myself to leave my house and I drove to La Conner where I found these noisy snow geese and a most excellent cloud show on Fir Island

this however is how most of my life feels

Sheila my llama has a new horse a young black stallion with a white blaze
the palomino that hangs out with the chocolate Shetland pony was rolling in the grass and I realized she was about to foal her belly huge and distended
I crossed two rivers today the Stillaguamish and the Skagit the snow geese were on the Skagit River and two huge hawks were perched on trees watching I saw a more normal sized hawk there too and one farmhouse had a mailbox painted like a small white church including the steeple
I saw a sturdy stout goat pushing his or her horns hard into a log
there was one hawk and a bald eagle hanging out on the Stillaguamish River bridge the bridge that takes me to my island
I also saw a giant iron elephant in the middle of a meadow

I had lunch in La Conner an amazing fresh winter vegetable sandwich with warm goat cheese on it and baby turnips and red and yellow roasted peppers and spinach but did not run into the composer thank bog yes he lives there no I am not looking for him

well maybe kind of I am

I totally am