Tuesday, March 28, 2017

movement like water

things that have changed in the last 90 days:

I no longer fear the phone ringing
the forest does not press down on my chest at night the trees do not frighten nor do they oppress now
at dusk I listen to the owls from my deck throating huge echoes back and forth to one another
at dusk I listen to the frogs from my front porch they are noisy and happy
new music (owls frogs)
I have a dog friend Arthur who I adore even though I stepped in his poo in my slippers yesterday
I sleep with my binoculars and in the morning I listen to the wind and watch the sky
a hawk lives in my yard his legs are thick and feathered each time he comes I become entirely still
strangers have been stopping their cars on my dead end road and wandering around with cameras with giant lenses these are birders harmless people with as little interest in me as I have in them and I know this island is a birder's paradise
my smart watch reminds me to breathe mindfully for one minute every hour
there is no longer pain in my stomach
I still weep for my lost LB but I now believe I can someday forgive myself
I have a brand new doctor close by I see him tomorrow for the first time then I can fire the fake doctor doctor nurse and DOGNURSE is next except I need her for another year in order to ease my way through SSDI matters (I have to prove I'm still crazy after all these years to a caseworker this year and I'll need a note from DOGNURSE though I could just have them call the hospital haha)
I think I might become a writer again
my violin is awake
yesterday at the grocers I bought an honestly sweet watermelon four honeycrisp apples yogurt cauliflower an avocado roll cottage cheese provolone cheese and pre-made tomato soup as I don't have the energy to stand long enough to chop veggies to make it myself I almost fainted in the store no pain but no strength either
I dream of my soon to be garden constantly I make lists and have drawn plans
there is a blue spruce in my forest so startling and gorgeous I just found it two days ago
my Japanese maple is growing red leaves
I have such great joy and delight in watching my land open its fists to spring

things that "come right back up" and must be avoided:
wheat anything
eggs (eggs and I have never got along but now my body violently rejects them)


none of this is what I wanted to write about though
I got a notice for a class reunion and it got me thinking about the (then) boy who tortured me all through junior high and into high school by grabbing and rubbing my breasts and cupping my vagina pushing me against the wall in the music practice room shoving his tongue down my throat as he groped me and other horrible things I started thinking about him and I did a wee Google search and indeed I found him and now he lives in Texas with his children and grandchildren and he goes to church and plays violin in the church orchestra and of course I never told on him I never told anyone I didn't even speak to anyone until I was 27 and my life then was in grave danger without that asshole who gravitated toward my shy my weak my nearly invisible and the truth is I want to out him here I want to write his name here over and over until he Googles himself one day and finds out that I have done so and this horrifying man in the White House makes me think of being raped I cannot even look at his face without feeling that specific sick without feeling attacked and this (then) boy who made my skin crawl but who was more powerful than I keeps floating around in my brain his sweaty little hands his disregard for human decency up in his church there in Texas playing his violin I wonder if he is still vile still groping still harming I suspect so I wonder if there were others other sad silent wounded girls

that's what I really wanted to write about


Good spring morning Darklings it is light now and today I'm going to drive to the next town over to find my new doctor


Monday, March 27, 2017

Depression Before Spring

The cock crows
But no queen rises.

The hair of my blonde
Is dazzling,
As the spittle of cows
Threading the wind.

Ho! Ho!

But ki-ki-ri-ki
Brings no rou-cou,
No rou-cou-cou.

But no queen comes
In slipper green.

~ Wallace Stevens

Sunday, March 26, 2017


my friend came to visit my first ever visitor and she pointed out every little thing that was not perfect in Summer's End then she told me she voted for Lord Voldemort and my stomach flopped over then I took her to my little secret breakfast spot in the park and she ate and I pushed food around on my plate pretending to eat and I was sick and should not have gone but wanted to show off my house but now I feel bad about it I do this house is spectacular but not in a fancypants kind of way in her words this area is more rustic than I thought which was not a compliment well jesuscrispycakes I told her it was in the forest



also I spoke to my brother a while ago and he asked if I had met any of my neighbors and I told him I had met Karen and her dog Arthur but that Karen no longer speaks to me maybe because I'm always wearing my nightgown because I've been sick for so long and my brother said I thought that's how everyone dresses out there and I love him so goddamned much because he made me laugh for the first time in three months and he understands rustic I think because we are campers were raised as campers and it never left us

(I love you my brother thank you for that)

Dear Darklings, The Animal Gods were in attendance

some of you know I was in hospital again for pancreatitis I got out Wednesday I think or Tuesday I lost complete track of time hooked up as I was to a fairly steady stream of dilaudid which made my shoulders ache and my dreams spectacular after my son drove me to the ER in Mt. Vernon as I was puking on my shoes which btw if you ever want attention fast in a hospital puking is key this is my first day sitting up and I'm not sure how long I can sustain that but I wanted to write about how lovely the little hospital was how attentive the nurses were how careful the physicians after of course the fight over my psych meds which is always the same fight the same oh we don't want you to take them conversation until I swing wide and I warned them I would swing wide and I did because there is nothing like physical pain to bring about a depressive or manic episode so after the endless weeping saline in saline out so to speak they changed their minds

I had two dreams I remember distinctly the first was my son sitting in the chair next to my bed he got up and waked toward the bathroom door and as he walked he grew a thick orange and black swishing tail then he transformed into a tiger where he leapt on top of the bathroom door and sat watching me

the second dream was my son sitting in the chair next to my bed holding a huge golden dog and a huge black dog on leashes the dogs the size of full grown male lions

in the background during my stay the television stayed on a station that was playing Criminal Minds non-stop 24/7 I never watch Criminal Minds or any of those crime shows because of the ultra violence of them but I was so filled with drugs and pain that I could not find my way to the button on the bed that would turn off the television

I feel that my son and the Animal Gods were protecting me

this morning we went to the beach an 8 minute drive because I had to get out I noticed two giant buffalos in a yard where I had only before seen trees and meadow and cherry trees all over the place in their fancy pink it felt good to get dressed as it will feel good to get back into my soft nightgown here in a minute

I am about done but before I go I want to show you where I'm going to plant my garden as soon as I have the strength my son pulled the noisy goddamned rhododendrons out with a chain and his truck revealing three cantilevered raised garden beds right outside my kitchen and I am unsure of my use of cantilevered here which comes as no surprise since I recently did not have the where-with-all to turn my head to barf

here is the first giant rootball he pulled out and you can see the chain attached to it those rhodies were ten to twelve feet tall and I hate them as their petals are disgusting and sticky when they fall and even though they're pretty they are literally everywhere here as pesky as ivy

here are the three beds there are still some roots that need to be pulled but it hasn't stopped raining since that day it doesn't look like much yet but the beds are twelve feet long (the three together) and four feet wide and very deep perfect for tomatoes and zucchini and snow peas and carrots oh my

and one other thing right before I went to my wee visit away a male Rough-Legged Hawk or Buteo lagopus if you love words and names flew up right outside my bedroom window up up up into a tree where he perched forever until he flew down and left via the deer trail in my backyard according to my bird book he has a 53 inch wingspan I thought at first he was an owl come to collect my soul

that's all the news that fits as soon as my innards heal I'm going to the John Deere store to get me a chainsaw

and one of those green hats


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I slept exactly two hours last night and here I am confused muddle-headed thick and weird. Business as usual. The life bipolar. When? When did you get sick? DOGNURSE demands an answer.

Walking tall
You look at it all
You were not the same after that
Til someone died on the water slide
You were not the same after that
You got one good trick and you're hanging on
You're hanging on
You're hanging on
You're hanging on
You're hanging on
~ Ben Folds

Monday, March 6, 2017

For Mary Moon

Peeps 1 and 2


I haven't written here lately because I've had a severe case of pancreatitis I got hold of the physician who treated me when I was in hospital last year and she thankfully sent me ten Zofran to keep the womit in

today is the first day I have felt like eating I had chili now I am sorry I did but I'm still upright

I have a fig tree but it has been snowing and I haven't planted it on account of snow down my pants and the sick it doesn't look like much of a fig tree yet but trust me it will eventually the piglet and sleeping kitty and chunk of concrete with marbles embedded in it are from Paris the Genius Cat's grave they will guard the tree as she grows

I have been having a severe spiritual crisis since moving here the feeling that the Animal Gods turned their faces from me has been strong I suppose there are only a few people here who understand my relationship with them who realize that this is truly who I am (my son understands and my brother too) and I have been incredibly sad and lonely until the deer in the photo up top visited me this morning when I was having coffee on my deck she was huge and so calm and we looked at each other for a long time and I felt baptized and blessed and forgiven

I have named her Bliss

and it's snowing again


Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Shrove Tuesday

Friday, February 24, 2017

I have lived in Summer's End for exactly two months and one day

this morning is the first day since I've lived here that I've awakened or awoken or woke or awoke without stomach pain and nausea

I made my bed drank the last of the coffee washed the tablecloth and the other clothes put a fresh tablecloth on the table cleaned the junk out of my beautiful refrigerator Sailor and took the trash out to the bin also I turned off the television

I may be sane today

I'm going to the bakery to buy more coffee beans and to see if the palomino had her foal and to say hi to Sheila and to fill my gas tank so I can take another strange and beautiful road trip and to basically just be okay in the world which is a huge big deal


my son isn't here we had words (again) yesterday when he complained about where I moved the sofa he said it had no feng shui he knows as much about feng shui as I know about soccer which is basically nothing he actually said feng shui three times as I wondered who the heck is this person and where is my boy child? I suspect his new friend taught him the word I've never been concerned about feng shui because I think that throwing away something you love because it's chipped is crazy craycray no and I love the sofa where it is now it's perfect because I thought about where to put it for two months and one day my son and I fixed our words though when he came back and discovered I was gone (to La Conner) he called and asked can we start over which is how we keep the pot from bubbling everywhere our code words for forgiveness and fresh beginnings

Alice comes home on March 10th I can't wait to see her

it's cold outside but not inside

I'll be back


Thursday, February 23, 2017

little miracle

last December when I was making my last minute dash to escape the ghetto in 18 degree weather and snow I decided to dig up part of my winter flowering jasmine which was just a dry vine and tossed it in a plastic pot with a slim hope that it might survive here I put it on the deck by my bedroom and this is what I found this morning

after that discovery I hopped in my car to force myself to leave my house and I drove to La Conner where I found these noisy snow geese and a most excellent cloud show on Fir Island

this however is how most of my life feels

Sheila my llama has a new horse a young black stallion with a white blaze
the palomino that hangs out with the chocolate Shetland pony was rolling in the grass and I realized she was about to foal her belly huge and distended
I crossed two rivers today the Stillaguamish and the Skagit the snow geese were on the Skagit River and two huge hawks were perched on trees watching I saw a more normal sized hawk there too and one farmhouse had a mailbox painted like a small white church including the steeple
I saw a sturdy stout goat pushing his or her horns hard into a log
there was one hawk and a bald eagle hanging out on the Stillaguamish River bridge the bridge that takes me to my island
I also saw a giant iron elephant in the middle of a meadow

I had lunch in La Conner an amazing fresh winter vegetable sandwich with warm goat cheese on it and baby turnips and red and yellow roasted peppers and spinach but did not run into the composer thank bog yes he lives there no I am not looking for him

well maybe kind of I am

I totally am

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

yesterday I stopped at the little Mexican restaurant in the wee strip mall that has the freshest and most delicious Mexican food I've ever tasted Dos Reales Taqueria in the small town that is the largest town across the bridge from my island and I filled up on chips and their amazing salsa and took the rest to go then I went to the do-it-yourself car wash and washed 15 pounds of pine needles off Sweet Lime and to exercise off the hot salty made right when I arrived chips (so good) then I drove to the large grocery store and bought yeast then I came back to the island and went to the new nail salon that just opened next to the IGA slash Ace Hardware slash Thai nook restaurant slash Nail Salon (that's its name) and I got a much needed manicure and I was the only one in the salon with three young women working and they were playing a tape or a radio station of love songs and The Rose came on from that awful Janis Joplin biopic of the same name and I started singing then the woman doing my nails started singing then the woman next to me started singing then we were all just belting it out then the boss lady said DO WE NEED A KARAOKE MACHINE IN HERE? in her outside voice so we all shut up but it was a divine moment and reminded of how we would sometimes sing at My Ex Glamorous Job spontaneous fun singing and the woman doing my nails didn't say a peep at how awful my hands and nails and cuticles looked ratty and torn and broken from moving in 18 degree weather

and not once during all this activity did my panic subside not once but my nails are the palest pink ever and now they're all short (I had only been clipping the nails on my left hand so I could practice my violin because my nails have turned hard have turned truly into goat nails or perhaps entire goats)

panic all the way then all the way home then through the night and this morning my keeper son showed up and we had words because often so much of my stress is from his careful watch over me which at times feels oppressive

I know it isn't good to speak this way of my son who I adore but there it is

this morning we went to the state park and drove around then he took me to the store so I could buy another 9 inch cake pan because I am in the mood to bake the panic still roiling in my belly and when I came out of the store the sky was dark charcoal gray to black  it's supposed to snow tonight

still panic still roiling belly and I can smell star lilies good afternoon Darklings

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

I haven't left Summer's End by myself since the beginning of February and that was to see DOGNURSE

I promised myself I'd drive to the store today now actually and once I made up my mind panic settled over me like winter

this is ridiculous because I am so happy when I am spending money which is still new to me even spending it on food and honestly I only need to buy yeast

this is PURE CRAZY

in other more interesting news Queer Wing-ed is assembling itself most of my edits are simply making sure the fonts are all the same and easypeasy writing stuff the poems arranged themselves became in their writing their own narrative arc I am excited and also excited to be working on my new project as I send Henry out into the whole wide world and this is how I wrote all my books one beginning as the other tied itself up I am excited it has been a very long journey

I spent the past 6 weeks attempting to get my elderly printer which worked in the old house to talk to my computer and internet provider in this house and I failed repeatedly so I went to The Dread Costco on Friday and bought a new printer a good one this time with a sturdy scanner a printer that holds 250 pieces of paper not 12 like the old printer I also got on the phone with M$ tech support because my computer would not allow me access to Office 2016™ so I could not create any new Word™ document and it has been very frustrating and my depression and stress have kept me from even sitting here at the grownup computer I ended up spending several hours on the phone with M$ tech support in fact lucky for me I found my orange card with the scratch off number that I used to first install Office 2016™ when I was packing THE BEST PART OF MOVING IS FINDING STUFF YOU'VE LOST the M$ tech asked me several billion ridiculous questions the most ridiculous being what day did you purchase Office Home & Student 2016 what exact day did you purchase it and where

I knew I purchased it at Office Depot which I told him then I put him on hold and searched my blog to find out what day because FUCK YOU DOGNURSE FOR TELLING ME I'M OCD I had actually written about it on my blog the exact day June 16, 2016 HA! take that M$! and HA! take that DOGNURSE for telling me my creative output is the same as my crazy

I do need to go about finding myself a new DOGNURSE seriously soon she is nuts

okay thank you Darklings for reading this far it became a very cursey post but now you all have given me the psychic energy I need to put on my pants and shoes and take a drive into town


mockingbird wish me luck

pulling the corner threads on eight years of work Queer Wing-ed update

Sunday, February 19, 2017

for this I kiss the urpy sea
for this I bleed my knees
for this I eat sugar through holes in my teeth
for this I fatten on ripe peaches
for this I untie my globes
for this I wax my sloppy tongue
for this I pour
for this I empty
for this I cathedral
for this I suck
for this I plump
for this I bitter
for this I yeast

zero post

navigating Sunday is easier now that I've moved out of the ghetto and into the forest

1. Lie still and take an honest mental health inventory
2. Make coffee
3. Feed The Evil Orlando
4. Run up the hill and fetch the New York Times
5. Look into the forest and breathe mindfully
6. Read the paper and drink coffee in bed
7. Everything else

I want to dig in the dirt today

ps. I washed the screens on my above the stove fan in the dishwasher with great success now every inch of my kitchen is My Sparkle Pony clean

I don't have a single curtain in this house Summer's End is shrouded by a green canopy of trees when I lived in the ghetto I never opened the curtains ever because it felt dangerous and I felt exposed to danger this danger was not imagined

I love it here so much

Good Sunday Darklings we barrel toward summer (I tend to ignore savage spring) and summer's warm and lush bounty


Saturday, February 18, 2017

the two middle Alices are from Barbara who understands my Alice needs Thank you Barbara!!!
today I went to the Big City with my son all we did was drive around he is going to a party tonight and needed to find the place other than that another zero day though I did get my hands in the dirt and brightened up my deck with these spectacular primroses

we ate breakfast at the table like humans I had a cinnamon roll heart and a tiny bowl of chili and my son had a cinnamon roll with icing

I swept the deck and cleaned my toilet and did a load of laundry and watered my plants and farted

tomorrow who knows?

it took me literally six weeks to move out of my bedroom and the kitchen to the living room I mean to feel comfortable in the living room and now I am in the other living room which I suppose is an office my son's junk is scattered around which makes me anxious and he has a lot more of his junk in the library which I keep stealthily moving into his closet and he moves it right back into the library I crave the company of my books which after all keep me mostly sane

I was going to get my taxes done Monday but apparently it's So Called Insane Orange Clown Day so there won't be mail or anything else

I scrubbed my stove and discovered how to remove the screens from the up blower (surely there is a correct word here fan?) above the burners I had already brushed them with a wire brush removing 20 years of dust and sticky grease and grime now I'm wondering if I can put them in my dishwasher any ideas?

this makes me so happy (out my kitchen window) I'm sorry for the fuzzy photo it reflects my state of mind

I finally brought the sock I rubbed all over Orlando and the lost kitty's blanket in from the porch and washed them and threw away the litter box that I left on the porch for him to smell it's been a long time now and I have to forgive myself someday which has not happened

baby steps, Bob, baby steps

Friday, February 17, 2017

I went to the State Park just down the road for breakfast and met the Bee Guy and a rather strange looking couple who were friendly as all get out then I came home and made chili because Mary Moon inspired me yesterday then I baked my very first maiden voyage of baking at Summer's End I made these giant yeasty cinnamon rolls with butter cream cheese frosting they are seriously gigantic and even seriouslyer delicious but even I could not eat more than one



I am putting the finishing touches on Queer Wing-ed the easy part and I have started a new manuscript titled Becoming Timothy Treadwell

honesty I thought I was done with writing after I resolved the Henry Problem to my satisfaction but I guess I just had to give myself a creative break while I dealt with illness and The Crazy the tiny signs of savage spring I find in my yard make me hopeful I have been outside every every day pulling the ivy off the madronas and kicking the stupid rocks the former owners left every where out of the mud and watching the snow geese and hawks and trumpeter swans and flickers and vireos and dogs who run free here and coyotes and owls and the wee darters that fill the trees and the trees themselves who sustain me

hello Darklings come on over for a spot of tea and a cinnamon roll the size of a Buick


Monday, February 13, 2017

The light ate too much of me

I gave smallest permissions
ants streamed and valved
set about their destiny
with precision and very little cursing
wanting to make it happen

like in the movies then you catapulted
under what spell
I hung from the dock on orange bungees
counted jellyfish a child in the back seat
on the way to her first drive-in The Ice Queen

waved my hands in phosphor
bright ambulance doors
kelp tangled my ankles
cried a nuisance did you see my did you
an empty syringe refuse the lush grass

reeled undressed barefoot gardenias
smashed their mouths against glass
a fox alight along the edge
of my animal face sweat on my palms
pooled on my belly your most terrible

tongue in the sugar box slow and quick and slow
I killed my chest’s engine
what I mean is gardenias your mother’s braid
her foxtail coat your voice
inside the pink clock

February smelled of heartland and prairies
battered in the infantry
let my lippy me be stolen by a witch
nothing was more private than our pink
pink your breath pure in half air

Sunday, February 12, 2017

I saw my first ever in my life Short-Eared Owl (caps? no caps? I put the caps in because the sighting felt holy) two days ago coming home from dinner at barely dusk I was driving into my yard when the owl swooped right past my windshield this crazy huge wingspan I thought at first it was the Great Blue Heron who lounges on my deck carrying a white paper bag in its beak but when the owl flew away it turned and looked at me so close I saw his eyes...heart stopping. I have been hearing him for days and scouting around I have discovered several mouse-sized owl pellets but to see him finally was a door opening into ancient and thrilling wild. The Great Blue Heron is a peeping Tom I keep catching him looking in he startles me in the most spectacular way. I posted this also on FB sorry for repeating it here so much easier than retyping.

this is what he looks like

this is maybe only the third day since I moved here that I have felt okay as in not sick as in both mentally stable and able to eat and drink water without pain what a relief to wake and feel alright perfectly fine in my body I heated up some red beans and rice for breakfast and drank actual coffee then I put the dishes in the dishwasher then I mopped the floors with vinegar then I did a load of laundry then I set Bobbie the Robot on the cat's room (formerly known as The Library) and shook out the big rubber mat on which her litter boxes rest and moved stuff around then I cleaned  and resealed my granite counters and I'm going to polish them here in a minute and I have not felt sick once this morning not one single time

I discovered an amazing Thai "restaurant" more like a Thai "nook" inside the IGA on the island where only the elderly and the townies shop with the occasional tourist thrown in especially now with the big bird festival which has been canceled not sure why but I suspect it's lack of funding but he who shall not be named or as they called him in the Harry Potter books YOU KNOW WHO but the birders flock in nevertheless (hahahaha flock) you can spot them by their giant binoculars and expensive cameras and vests-of-many-pockets and their salon styled hair 

my house smells delicious by the way

I finally feel like baking


I had to get cable teevee in order to have any teevee and also to watch Twin Peaks when it finally returns to television after 25 years this May I find it odd that cable teevee is mostly cooking shows and shows about 600 pound people overcoming the odds and the cooking shows bore me because they are mostly meat-centric unless it's children cooking and the 600 pound people make me so proud and so full of love for humans that I can barely contain it I have struggled with weight most of my life and I understand this deeply

mostly cable teevee has caused me to become a reader again after a year of reading almost nothing right now I'm reading The Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu it is actually three gigantic books that won the Hugo Award and the reason I'm reading them is because I read that it was what Obama was reading his last day in the White House superb books and how I loved finding out that My President loves science fiction

Love to you on this winter Sunday my Darklings here is the beach I visited yesterday in my pajamas and my fancy pink winter wool coat and my moccasin slippers

Friday, February 10, 2017

three days ago I drove up to Deception Pass (pictured up top) and walked to the middle of the terrifying bridge in the wind to get that photo because the water was such a spectacular color and the rocks with trees growing on them have always looked like giant paws resting in shallow water to me though the water is not shallow at all and it was very cold here are my feets on the extreme edge of the bridge as I took a picture of the madronas growing below me I admit that I have zero fear of heights in spite of all my neurosesessess

here's the bridge it's kind of nervy because the big rigs go across it at a billion miles per hour and the walkway for foot traffic is only about six inches wide or so it feels

after that I drove to Whidbey Island and around and then back where I saw a pink bicycle that I think I want it is in the style of old school girls' Schwinn bikes I hope I can find the place again when I have money

this morning I drove to the beach but it got so windy that I didn't get out of my car (now the wind is at 50 mph and the trees are making the most delicious noise) then I walked the perimeter of my land out into the forest deep where I found more madronas and a gorgeous stand of birches and some juniper bushes and all manner of conifers and more owl pellets and wild blackberries and my hat blew away but I captured it

then I trudged back home holding onto my hat and my hair and when I got in the house I smelled something bad a terrible sweet smell the smell of death and I wandered all over the damned house opening every closet cupboard drawer and closet sniffing everything and I couldn't locate the smell so I lit a vanilla scented candle in last ditch attempt at concealment but the smell stayed and eventually I discovered the smell was me IT WAS MY SHIRT which I must have packed with some food or something but I tossed it in the laundry hamper and now the terrible smell is gone


my life is incredibly tiny

the brilliant poet Maryrose Larkin sent me here Roomba Robot because she moved away from her carpet and I have miles and miles of it and I am besotted with the robot who says ERROR PLEASE PICK ME UP PUT ME IN A ROOM AND PRESS CLEAN every day at 11:15 AM and I can watch her for the entire hour she circles around the house in whichever room I choose to place her

incredibly very extremely tiny life
The Surfer named the robot Roberta


Sheila the llama was right against the fence this morning and her horse companions were all in the barn shunning her there is a lot of Holy Names High School games going on between those snooty horses and Sheila she is highly sensitive and has long elegant eyelashes and a dirty bum (yesterday I waved at her and said hi and she turned and showed me her bum thinking perhaps I was a horse come to pick on her) I have now met a palomino and the palomino's friend a chocolate brown Shetland pony who is as wide as she is tall like a little box like a spectacular package delivered to your doorstep

wild chickens continue to roam the island and there was just a warning on the television about ferry service being discontinued on all the ferrys on account of the wind and I'm heading out for dinner heading straight into it I do love rude weather when I get back I'll answer your comments if I have power


100% full

This is the Sara Crewe Bespoke Before Spring moon

Monday, February 6, 2017

Waist deep in the big muddy

Is this thing on?

I don't know how to crawl out of this hole of dead air so I will begin by writing that I have been sick (pancreatitis a doozy too for weeks) and this morning I cooked and ate the first thing I have eaten since I had a veggie burger (at the Dari-Delite in the header photo in Mount Vernon 17 miles away the only veggie burger I've found between here and Seattle but a damned delicious burger made with their own burgers with real vegetables in them) that came with a giant sized bag of fries and a tart horseradishy tartar sauce) also I puked so violently and so many times that tiny blood vessels popped on both sides of my face so it looked like a child poked me all over my face with a red pen I didn't even know until my son came home and asked me what the hell happened fortunately the broken skin horror has disappeared I don't know why and I don't want an explanation all the while though I dragged myself out of bed every damned day in my jammies in order to stay human and drove 8 minutes from my house to this beach at the state park that looks out at Whidbey Island and The Saratoga Passage

my feets and yes I'm still wearing the old man sitting at a bus stop shoes the same damn shoes I've had since I went to Chicago in 2011

what I eat for elevenses (not really)

yesterday I forced myself to sweep and mop and do laundry and stuff though everything has remained clean since I sequestered myself to my bedroom during my ill and also I have been extremely depressed but I could not write it here because I was depressed enough to hurt myself to do great damage to myself and once several years ago I wrote about such a depression and someone far away called 911 and an emergency vehicle filled with lovely strong young men arrove at my house the old house and it was awful and distressing the depression was much much fiercer this time than the pancreatitis and of course the pancreatitis which is directly related to stress and all those stupid ulcers etc the depression has been getting weirdly better each day weirdly because instead of going away overnight as per usual it is going away the way a cold goes away incrementally which I suppose is the way of the Ninja with bipolar disease which is of course degenerative

Oh to be mentally disabled in current America good crispy christ but this line of writing makes me want to puke my hearty breakfast of red beans and rice which already feel like a mistake inside me

here are my feets this morning this time in my moccirunners standing on the deck there is a great deal more snow now than there was then yikes and it's still coming down

I have discovered a lot of the island like the wilderness "adventure camp" which is not a camp at all but a place where they send bad children to scare the shit out of them in the woods just minutes from Summer's End! and I finally met the companion llama who told me her name was Sheila the horses she is supposed to companion are snooty though the other day in the sun I saw one of the horses rolling around in the grass with a look of sheer glee and the amazing birds all over the place including swans out of nowhere and owls hooting through the night so loudly that I went out and hunted around for signs of them and found several of these umm--mouse sized pellets if you don't know what an owl pellet is you must Google because it's fascinating and now I know at least two trees in my yard house owls

owl pellet Nature's Own Trash Masher

around the house because I'm all writ out

a man standing on a snail on the south side of the house I will soon soon soon be digging out that rhododendron and planting tomatoes in its toothy hole

in the kitchen

my son had a birthday

in one of the living rooms (? yes) Sally yes I'm too elderly for stuffed Animal Gods but hey it is what it is which is one of those trite sayings that mean absolutely zero of nothing

and in the bathroom the place where I put the shells I pick up everyday on the beach yes that's a gargoyle holding his nose

I know I know too many photos but I am still trying to find words and now I have to stretch out on my bed and wait to see if the beans are going to stay in

thank you if you've read this far my Darklings and thank you for staying with me through one of the longest nights of my soul


Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I found these two dragons the portal between them and this time machine on Elger Bay as I was exploring yesterday.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Rabbit Tractate #1

demon salt tree sap
in this my elder
in this my random forest
I string butcher twine
between two cedars
back forth under
and again
and again
my fingers fray
wrap bite sting the bark
break the bark
peel scrape the bark
sweat along the tide lines

visual distress signals
loss of hair
loss of voice
one pennant
a red light above
a white light
danger to small crafts
my body a small craft
ghost propeller bleeding
one red flag
with a black center
on a white light
between two red lights
indicates hurricane force wind


I stand on his stair
choke the higher limbs
I might fall and break my throat
left wrist
right leg
one square red flag
with a black center
weave and cutcut
the bark leaks
red poison

floating orange smoke
electric distress light
hand-held flares
shove it up inside me
one short blast
means I intend to leave you
on my port side
(island rules)
two short blasts mean
I intend to leave you
on my starboard side
(island rules)

I intend (no)
I intend (no)
I intend (no)

please hear me
sound five short
rapid blasts
if you fail to understand
my intentions

Thursday, January 12, 2017

100% full

This is the Shredded Blood Ribbon moon

Sunday, January 8, 2017


Saturday, January 7, 2017

fake it

using the good old 12 step program idea of fake it til you make it I got up this morning made coffee got dressed and walked to Madrona Beach which looked like this

then I went to the French bakery for two still warm almond croissants
why is there a French bakery on an island on which only 17 people live?
I don't know but it's here and the baker Pierre Fauvet (yes really French) asked me if I wanted him to put the croissants in a box because they were still warm
seriously still warm
I bought an apple pie there on Christmas eve because Christmas was so fucked for us and I didn't have the heart to bake I had one taste of the pie it was amazing but I had to throw the rest out

after the bakery I drove to the Farmer's Cafe taking Angella's sound advice and the entire place was filled with noisy children and it turns out they were two kids' soccer teams and I felt them swirl around me as I sat alone and lonely I got my potato rancheros to go most of it in a little styrofoam box then I came home and dropped the styrofoam box in the mud room potatoes and guacamole and fried eggs scattering on the floor

I am depressed now actual depression and as soon as I got back home I got back into my nightgown again and Orlando sticks close to my side here she is asleep on my giant bed with the starfishy quilt

more snow geese were flying in hundreds of them in perfect flight formation they are stunning

this feels like a nothing post because I feel empty emptied of thought of creativity of connectivity of human

Thursday, January 5, 2017

this is my seventh day here my seventh night
my first night here alone except for Orlando who stays close to me when her boy is gone
truthfully I cannot even stand to look out the back where my beloved disappeared into the forest
seven days ago
seven days ago
and it's so cold 18 degrees
and now tears
and now wailing
and no one to hear
I feel utterly alone
I feel utterly lonely
the gigantic lasagna is in the oven which I have named Lula and the leftover marinara is stored safely away in the black refridgerator which I have named Sailor for obvious reasons and my holly berry nightgown is in the washing machine on account of I got marinara all the way up my g.d. sleeve and I tell you what cooking and baking binges are WAY EASIER WITH A DISHWASHER which I have named Scout

unfortunately I had to put pants on once I threw my nightgown and a couple red spattered dishtowels in the wash also might I add that it is remarkable to do a large load of pots and pans and flatware and knives in the dishwasher and a small load of red spattered (marinara now not blood don't panic) dishtowels in an actual washing machine that I didn't have to drive to at the same time and not have to worry about the house caving in or blowing a glass fuse (yes that old bitchhouse had glass fuses and he never swapped them out even though one of his rentals burned down around the same time and that old bitch hot water heater had bare wires sticking out all over the place and do you remember when the old old hot water heater broke and we were left for two weeks without hot water and when Drunk Dave finally replaced the old old water heater and left us the old newish water heater the one with bare wires sticking out all over the place he put the old old water heater in our driveway and left it there for a month!!! and I called Slumlord and he didn't care it just sat there with water sloshing around inside its bottom ugh and I know Slumlord eventually put it in some other poor person's house that's how he operates)

not a word from Slumlord

I was going to mail his keys to him but I lost his address or rather I have yet to unpack it

too bad
fuck him


I think the clock in my Statue of Liberty clock's belly needs a battery according to her it's been 9:30 for over a week now
Thank bog Minority Report is on one of my fancypants cable teevee channels Tom Cruise comes to my rescue!

Thank you Tom.


attempting normal

grief feels like depression but my body knows they are different because I am basically immobilized by depression and with grief I can't stop moving like a shark I feel I will die if I stop moving this morning my son left which is both good and bad I need to be alone for a while but his presence even if he's only here a couple hours each day gives me a reason not to give in to the hot unmanageable tears and loud wailing his presence forces me to swallow my guilt and shame to grow them in my belly like a terrible baby and so a couple hours ago I made a big pot of marinara now I have decided to cook a lasagna with fresh ricotta and mascarpone and seared zucchini and caramelized onions and then I filled a large bowl with frozen strawberries and mangoes and peaches to make a ton of smoothies that I can live on because I honestly don't feel like eating I just want to cook a little while ago I went out and swept the deck in my holly berry nightgown (another good thing when my son is here I feel obliged to get dressed) and no underwear and my long sweater I swept the hell out of the deck kicking frozen pine cones with my slippers the metal handle of the push broom so cold that my hands ached (note to self: don't buy a cheap push broom) then I came in and vacuumed and dusted and watered the plants and watched House until I was sure I had at least eleven highly unusual diseases

I hurt everywhere but I don't hurt hurt but I ache just the same

yesterday I went to The Country Store that's the actual name of the store a huge place that sells everything from cowboy boots to horse tack to hay to canning supplies you name it and it's there and the whole store smelled like my grandfather's barn and I wandered and wandered just breathing it in

I was going to write some stuff here from my diary stuff I wrote before the innerlubes arrived but I'm afraid to write it now for fear someone will think I need to be locked up The Johnny Cash Psychiatrist always thought I needed to be locked up I resisted for obvious reasons i.e. I had a job at the time and etc and also fear of being locked up

here is a fuzzy photo of the snow geese who are now hanging out in a field behind the Dairy Queen on my beloved island it's fuzzy because I can't seem to stop shaking unless I'm playing my violin


Tuesday, January 3, 2017

the snow geese that were lounging about in the field right before the Snohomish River bridge have moved  a mile away from Summer's End yesterday I almost drove into their new field because I was watching them fly in formation right above my car a white sleek swift moving cloud breathless

also there are five horses and a llama just down the road the llama mostly hangs out with a young palomino but sometimes the palomino ignores the llama and then the llama stands sentry at the edge of the fence looking lonely and kind of sad

wild gangs of chickens continue to roam the island like they think they live in Key West they are funny and random and they might be hiding switchblades and chains in their feathers ready to rumble at a moment's notice

next installment: The Death Tree and a definition of crazy

tiny miracle

Waking up in 28 degree weather in a warm comfortable house is amazing. This morning my skin didn't ache when I woke and I did not fear the toilet falling through the floor. I didn't shiver at all. Many tiny miracles smashed in together make life remarkable. I will strive to remember this every single day.

Once it gets light I'm going to the dump transfer station to recycle the mountain of flattened cardboard boxes that threatens to block me from the outside.

Woohoo! Going to the dump!

I am easily hurt and easily thrilled. You might think she's thin skinned POETRYWORLD'S favorite backward insult (you need to grow a thicker skin etc) which is crazytalktalk. You cannot be a poet with thick skin. You must feel everything.

Good 2017 Darklings and love.

Monday, January 2, 2017

this morning exactly at 5:30 AM I dreamed Little Bear was next to my head kneading his blanket purring which is how he so politely asked for breakfast every morning exactly at 5:30 AM

my son my island

we drove for two minutes yesterday and found this beach there my son is up top walking while I jumped in ice puddles

today I drove to the True Value Hardware in the next town over an odd and amazing place where I spent almost an hour looking at every single thing some very strange some necessary for instance a laundry basket and a life sized plastic cow

I need to write more and honestly but I am devastated and my son is gone now so I can weep and wail and etc as befitting a woman of European ancestry and maybe tomorrow I will have the nerve

a note on cable teevee:

it is allowing me to read again right now I'm reading Judith Rossner's Attachments a book I've read at least five times since it was published in 1977

it is a Darkling night

Sunday, January 1, 2017

I made a potato and scallion frittata this morning and then my son came home (safely thank the Animal Gods do we ever stop worrying ever ever?) and we sat in the kitchen at the table (I still cannot get over The Table the fact of it the solidity of it the normal of it) and drank coffee and watched dawn arrive through the giant trees and the snow falling

did I tell you I have a washing machine and dryer now? after 20 years of laundr-0-mats I love their sound their smell I bought non-allergic detergent after 20 years of my son insisting we use Tide which gives me rashes though I begged him to not to stop then gave up

a kitchen table an old pale blue tablecloth strong coffee my child clean clothes and no more worrying about that old stupid house and it's so funny to walk through this house and not hear creaks and squeaks and the floors groaning with damp and not have to wonder when I will fall through and just walking around I cover 5 miles a day at least

I have cable now too because it's the only way to watch television out here I had cable once before in 1989 one free month of it that was the first television I ever owned yesterday I watched Portlandia all day I barely moved I was so exhausted from that last week push to get here today I'm reading the newspaper and testing myself to see if I am indeed still human

Nature, nature, I am your bride. Take me.
~~Virginia Woolf, Orlando
the forest is covered with snow a fragrant winter sheet right off the clothesline a chance to turn everything around 

Saturday, December 31, 2016

at night I run the dishwasher and stand  with my belly pressed against its heat to battle loneliness and sorrow

Notating Jerusalem

It is snowing on Camano Island and I am annotating Jerusalem an oven inside my face sloop down carelessness paranoia utter sadness regardless.

Little Bear is gone.
It's my fault.

The dog crate I bought for him broke as I was carrying him into the house and he fell and it frightened him he turned and looked at me in despair then ran off into the dark forest. I search for him until morning and every night calling calling calling so he knows where I am he is so timid so afraid and now snow and now fireworks and now rifle shots.

Eight days gone.

Every morning every night and every time I step out the door I call him I search the forest calling his name.

My son says stop  stop I know I sound the worst kind of insane.
I can't give up.

I rescued him then I failed him.

Terrible guilt.
Terrible grief.
The Surfer and I worked our asses off yesterday in the ill house cleaned it out everything gone gone gone including The Surfer's roses that he planted way back when he was in high school. It is such a relief to be rid of that horrible place the sad junkies and evil landlord the thieves and gang bangers and pimps and crime.

Now to unpack which will be a joy and I can take my time at it no more restraints no more push push push.

It is New Year's Eve a good time to mark the year. I am not going to do bibliomancy readings this year because last year two people complained about their readings and inside I thought fuck it one of those people actually took me to task about her reading in a private message and I undid her after I explained that I open a book put my finger on a line and that's it. There is very little me involved and very much of the universe and the voice inside books if you believe.

All my cast iron pans are in the trunk of my car and I am loathe to take off my nightgown (it has holly berries on it sheesh) and walk up the trail to fetch it. We have been eating on the run for a month and last night we had our first sit down dinner at our actual real table. Soup that I made the day before and cream cheese havarti cranberry and spinach sandwiches on rye. Delicious. I was too tired to even crawl under my covers.

I have interlubes back thanks to Wave Internet a small company on the island with super speedy connections.

I have teevee cable even though I haven't had time to watch yet.

I owe you all so much. I owe you all everything.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Summer's End is live!

I have so much to tell you but I am exhausted. Tomorrow is D Day our last day to clean stuff out of the terrible house and all we have to do is go to the dump with some stuff in the garage then I can relax.

I have so much to tell you.
Terrible things have happened.

Nothing great occurs without blood sacrifice.

I love you all.

TRISM reviewed by Judith Roitman forthcoming in Galatea Resurrects

And then there is Trism, another book I find myself returning to. Also obsessive. Also inter/intra

species (bears this time, not sheep), also prose poems but more (47) and most longer (pages being

5.5” h x 8.5” w). As I looked for Trism’s online traces, Google somehow directed me to an

anthropology paper by Beth A. Conklin and Lynn M. Morgan, Babies, Bodies, and the Production of

Personhood in North America and a Native Amazonian Society, presumable because words like socio-
centrism and ego-centrism appear. Which struck me as serendipitous. Babies, bodies (both human

and bear), production of personhood (both bear and human and add to that boys and girls/men and

women) are central to this book. As Loudon writes: “Intimacy confused with blasphemy the

ineffable origins of SELF mystical when masked...”

Trism is situated in a gender-frozen dystopia, in which all girls/women are named Alice, all

boys/men are named Jack, never one at a time, always all of them, i.e., Alices and Jacks, together

with Trism Bear and, later, cub Ursula. Alices are in aprons tending to what women tend to and

bearing what women have to bear — “the fucked the suffering mother the mayonnaise and white

bread sandwich...”. Jacks’ bodies are helpless, violent, betraying themselves and Alices’ bodies. Jacks

try to hang themselves. Alices have their periods. Sex is quickly glimpsed — “Jacks were getting

back on their knees their cocks flapped at their stomachs” —raw experience with no context, often

one-sided. Trism Bear is at times generative/mythic, at times in chains, at times animal in the forest,

at times dead, diseased, “necrotic,” his suffering a form of revenge. And Ursula. at times an

anthropomorphized toddler/baby, at times bear cub sucking her paw, killing animals, “she roared

and trundled away..”

Most pages run 100 to 200 words thick with association, one to another, accreting, a landscape thick

with suffering surrounded by the detritus of a middle class dream:

Babies at the bottom of every villainy suckled roots snatched toys broke

down at the border a shoe repair shop a bakery stuffed animals footstools

wicker baskets chocolates papier-mâché the syncretic carnival speechless

and shuffling....

The landscape is both blasted and lush. Children appear as corpses, broken from plague, murdered

by soldiers, twitching in a bomb shelter, poisoned, “ringworm colic allergies coughs”, mutant infants

— “A naked vending child rode on the great bear’s back not caring that the bear scorched earth

blasted cities.” In the last page/poem Ursula scrambles into the forest to be caught by “thirty

cameras... thirty-three microphones... five thousand six hundred feet of cable... hid in an

abandoned wolf trap...”

And the book ends “NO] nipson anomemata me monan opsin [NO.” — the Greek transliteration

translates as: “wash your sins, not only your face.”

A handsome book. The cover is a photo taken somewhere in Europe — Italy? Romania? — I would

guess 1930’s to 1950’s, a bear sitting in the street, muzzled, a long chain connecting it to a man who

holds the chain in one hand and in the other a tambourine, while a few bystanders watch in and near

a doorway, a porch; one woman has her hand up to her mouth in shock? horror? concern? The

binding uses the elegant Japanese four-hole binding stitch, the pages are cream or is it ivory, subtly

textured. Of course it is out of print. But the text is available online as a pdf from several sources.

You can Google them yourself and I suggest you do. The binding and paper will not be available to

you, but the cover photo will, and of course the remarkable poem(s).

Thursday, December 22, 2016

I hurried
I hurried packing art into Sweet Lime packing her to the ceiling
I hurried and I stepped into mess and I fell splat on my ass right on top of Ezra!!!
I may have really fucked up my already fucked up knee ice on it now but I'm heading out
heading out

I'm sure Ezra is laughing his ass off at me from Ezra heaven

time to fly away away away

I'll find you when I can soon Darklings



I did not miss the full moon but I felt her I've been so busy and today is the day I have been up packing since dawn and soon I will leave for the island then I'll come back and fetch the fur babies and bring them to their new home a VERY BIG DAY

then I get two days off and I'm going to cook my first meal in Summer's End and figure out the dishwasher

yesterday I took my first bath in Summer's End which might not seem like a big deal to those of you who have never seen the bathroom in this hovel it was heaven it felt like heaven it was pure and such a deep sigh escaped my body as I lowered myself into the water that my breath steamed every window in the house

I did my last bit of shopping late yesterday a garbage can with a foot pedal for the kitchen bamboo silverware holders and a small dish drying rack and stocking stuffers for The Surfer who has been kind and patient and long suffering and strong

I won't have interwebs until December 29th but tomorrow I'll have cable which means basic teevee and also a landline phone out there in the hinterlands I will be carrying around my almost dead Kindle until then grabbing free wifi where I can steal find it checking in on you all

there is a band of wild roaming chickens who visit my yard and the trees down below deck and sometimes they walk around in the street and sometimes they show up in someone else's yard they remind me of the Sharks and the Jets from West Side Story and they remind me of Mary Moon and I wonder where their eggs are but they are funny as hell

yesterday again the field was filled with white snow geese

oh oh and oh


Monday, December 19, 2016

we spent most of the day on the island I got pretty much the last tree at the wee IGA near Summer's End the last tree maybe on the planet it's skinny and very very tall and barely decorated (so far) but there it is and shepherds can find me if they need too and I love it love it LOVE IT the last two years I had no tree and I grieved because the truth is I hold Christmas in my heart all the time like a candle

we unloaded my son's truck set up a common area for the cats with three new litter boxes and three billion pounds of food and new scratchers and old familiar toys and catnip and new large kitty dishes and ordered 6 more cases of food from Chewy.com and then we had our first meal at my actual real table chips and three layer bean dip on my fancy octo plates and coffee then we came home and I ordered internet and cable and a land line and I am exhausted beat tired tomorrow we make two piles one for the dump the other for stuff to go to the house kitchen stuff and clothes and Wednesday we are renting a UHaul and making short business of it and on Thursday my son The Evil Orlando and I are moving in FOR GOOD

Tuesday December 27th my new washer and dryer will be delivered and installed and December 23rd I'll have cable for the first time EVER and on December 29th I will go live with internet and and and

bone tired
so good tired

but I am excited to have my creative brain back in its spectacular housing I miss it hurry little wings hurry back feathers hurry back fire

Love to you Darklings

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Snow Day

Snowed out! We had to turn around and come back here. I went to the store and bought bananas and deli soup and stuff I don't have to cook. Honestly I can't bear to cook in this house anymore. And both of us need a serious rest. My leg is screaming at me and my son said his shoulders are tired and I've never heard him say that ever.

taps foot...

Everyday miracles

Yesterday when I carried my two suitcases (there is no rolling of suitcases in the forest) into Summer's End a great blue heron was standing on the deck looking in. I held my breath there was no breath in me I became still as a rock as the heron made eye contact walked across the deck then flew off.

Getting ready with coffee and furry boots to head back to the island in the snow with more stuff under the bed stuff rolling around in my closet stuff and some black beans to soak over night so I can make soup tomorrow.

This flat blue space is boring but I am not bored not one bit. Gonna tree gonna listen to Christmas movies while I unpack gonna eat something all my food is over there over the river and through the woods literally.

Tomorrow I'm calling about getting innerlubes and cable set up so close now I can't even imagine Christmas though I am awash in a dream of sugarplum fairies and jolly old elves wake up! Wake up! Wake up!


Saturday, December 17, 2016

drove very carefully in 27 degree weather and snow to Summer's End lugged in all the furniture and all my clothes and all my cds and all my boxes of books then we were both too tired to go fetch a tree much less paint so we're going to get the tree tomorrow and not move a damned thing just tree and treeing and treesome

did you ever dream of having a window seat in your bedroom? I have dreamed of it my entire and now I have made one

I have an actual table now but I was too tired to take the plastic off the chairs much like June Cleaver and maybe your grandmother if you are of a certain age also there is a boy's graceful hand a small bag of bread and a slightly lewd winking Santa cookie jar with cookies in it the red kitchen reminds me of The Shining I'll be painting everything white

plants for oxygen more Christmas and snow on the deck orange BE GONE!

The Surfer's '57 Chevy Bettie and his surfboard heading for Summer's End last week

I go over four bodies of water to get to Summer's End first is the Snohomish River then Steamboat Slough then Union Slough then the Stillaguamish River then Davis Slough then the big wide ocean there is a spot where I turn to go down a hill and there is Possession Sound shimmering as bright as Easter morning it makes my breath catch in my throat every single time I will never get tired of seeing it never ever

I am utterly happy
I am utterly exhausted
I am utterly happy