Saturday, July 22, 2017

writing backward July 19, 2017

last night I took the wrong combination of CBD/THC to sleep in fact there was no THC at all in the mix which I need to balance when I take only CBD I sleep but with constant powerful dreaming so only my body sleeps these dreams are beautiful but they make me wake every hour and when I turn over or make a sound Jupiter is immediately at my side and she wants to play last night I dreamed I invented a rain machine that consisted of a muffin tin filled with water with another empty muffin tin on top of the water filled tin only perpendicular to it and on the bottom was a silver fork wrapped in kitchen twine working as a pendulum and the full tin rained up into the empty tin then fell back in crystal drops not very far from my waking life after all

I am almost finished with Sherman Alexie's memoir You Don't Have to Say You Love Me I cried all the way through upset distraught and achy the book felt like a certain betrayal of my secrets we lived a few miles and ten years apart and now I know our histories are linked and must have overlapped and mingled many times both in Spokane and Coeur d'Alene and I knew it from the beginning of the book where he wrote about the story his father told him of a murder and a body buried in Manito Park in Spokane where I was married at seventeen in a back embroidered hooded long dress from India and bare feet

my mother was an epic liar as Alexie describes his mother Lillian though Lillian loved her children as best she could and mind did not Alexie goes in deep about being bipolar and it all sparked inside me I wrote several pages about my mother in my notebook but looking it now it is so awful I can't bear to repeat it here

writing forward July22, 2017

too much
too much
too much


the dog gods tied feathers to their ears and sang with split bird tongues
in the scribbly forest there is always a chance of betrayal
there might be a quest
monarch butterflies and bees hum straight up through the cloud layer
tomato perfume on my elegant hands a cat on the windowsill taking note
I am creating a library as a living rippling organism a safe place
a protector of words ideas and songs
yesterday I was dusting and realized my son had placed my childhood
copy of Charlotte's Web on the children's bookshelf
a hard cover copy with the dust jacket intact but moth eaten perhaps rat chewed
from its time spent in the Ugly Place
and the dogs tied feathers to their ears and sang with the tongues of fish
once a week I rinse my hair with apple cider vinegar and it counteracts the aftereffects of well water
I am incredibly happy
today I will mop the floors and vacuum and scrub and sparkle
in six days I leave for the Oregon coast
in six days I turn 64 years old I am so proud of myself for crawling out of the fire alive

Good morning Darklings it's cloudy and warm at Summer's End last night it rained for about a minute the first real rain in over a month this morning the tomatoes clapped their green hands


Friday, July 21, 2017

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Secret messages

I have a lot to write so much so that I had to jot it all down in my notebook I will post it later as soon as I'm hungry again I took myself to the Naked City Brewery and had a fried green tomato and spinach sandwich and I am so full I'm rolling around on the floor like a manatee trying to get through a narrow salt water fed river

here is a secret message written on a madrona that is shedding its second layer of bark exposing the bright green underneath these are the most amazing trees I took this photo at my beach yesterday look at that sky O July how I adore thee!
yesterday during one of the power outages I was dusting (I have discovered some unsavory stuff about the people who used to live here I believe they were collecting several welfare checks for their own children and relatives I know because they were exceedingly slow in having their mail swapped to their new address) in the childrens' room which is now the library I discovered this secret message scratched lightly into the window sill with a needle or push-pin so lightly I never noticed it until yesterday the window lock was broken in this room when I moved in I hope whomever wrote this brave message got away I promise I will never paint over it just around it and I send messages to the Animal Gods that all is well now 

everything is important
there are no accidents

naughty tree

I lost power last night and have been losing power on and off all day I had to charge my phone in my car fortunately I lost nothing but a bit of ice in the freezer ahhh! island life! I decided to go for a walk this afternoon after three power surges/outages and this is what I found two streets down bad bad mens with chainsaws OOPS! bye bye power lines hello Island County Power Company
good luck bad mens

Happy Birthday To Me (in nine days) tralala cake twirling in my best dress etc

I just bought this gorgeous pine bookshelf for myself for my birthday isn't it a beauty? thank you to Marcus at Macy's for your superb help
the library at Summer's End continues to grow
I believe one day it will be epic

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Good morning campers!

tomorrow will be the 4th anniversary of my Big Lay-Off from My Ex Glamorous job such a shameful terrible time and I will not cherish it with any of that I will write simply that I could not see the future I could not see my mother ever dying so much so that I received a beautiful card in the mail yesterday and my first thought was oh god no it's a letter from my mother but I think that thought came from the stress of yesterday which included a trip to downtown Seattle to see DOGNURSE who moved her office into trendy gentrified Westlake Center I mostly said HI I'M FINE and showed her pictures on my phone to make the time pass then I told her that I was reading and writing and practicing my violin and she stopped me and said Oh that's right you used to be a violin teacher

she had forgotten that I was a violinist and truthfully I see my self my good clean intelligent insides as these things in this order 1. A Violinist 2. A Mother and 3. A Writer and the fact that she had clearly forgotten that I was 1. A Violinist was just another straw that and the 6 hour drive there and back I could have driven to Portland had lunch and still squeezed in the 19 minutes I spent with her and she didn't even give me prescriptions for my meds she just said she'd fax them to the chemist this after insisting that I HAD to see her to get my prescriptions on paper in order to be legal plus now that she's downtown in the middle of TOURIST CITY her dog can't come so no joy

however I reclaimed my joy by going to the Duck Blood store to buy figs! figs! beautiful figs! which I can't find on my island then I went to the marijuana store to get my CBD caps and was waited on by a man my age who began flirting with me and at one point he asked me What do you do? and I answered I AM A VIOLINIST because I was still pisspot angry at DN for denying one of the most important pieces of my innards for dismissing my self and honestly I like being flirted with especially when the flirter is safely behind a counter then the flirter said Say do you know So-And-So the clarinetist for the Symphony (the big one) and I said sure his son and my son went to school together then we had a flirtilicious conversation and it turns out the flirter and I had met at the clarinetist's son's birthday party and it restored my shaken innards and it allowed me to restore my 1. A Violinist self in that moment and he saw my bee tattoo and said it was royal and I told him that I was the Queen

isn't going to a shrink supposed to make you feel more not lesser after your session? in 14 days I will begin searching for a new shrink in earnest because I am done and done and done with that crap

tomorrow will be the 4th anniversary of my Big Lay-Off from My Ex Glamorous Job and little did I know that last year my horrible mother would kick the big bucket finally get her reward in whatever hell she chose for herself and leave me enough money to buy first a new car then a house with her death will little did I know my entire life would change for the better in that moment that I could rid myself of the Evil Landlord and The Dangerous Mold Infested House In The Ghetto little did I know hell I thought I was doomed forever and my ever loving thanks to those of you who carried me over those rough waters you know who you are anyone who read here and there and commented all of you my electric family who saved me

in ten days I leave for my annual camping trip on the central Oregon coast honestly I am so excited to go that I have packed my tent and my sleeping bag and my little cook stove and everything but my peanut butter sandwiches and thermos of coffee that's all I have to do between now and July 28th and July 29th is my birthday and I feel so good today I could burst but I won't I'm taking myself out to breakfast then I'm going to come home and clean Summer's End from top to bottom and yes I will whistle while I work and yes I will be filled with true joy


ps. I bought a new tent here it is airing out in my backyard forest it is bright as a bumblebee!

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Pig and farm report

yesterday The Surfer left with his tent and sleeping bag etc as he was going to a huge camping party with his friends most of the day I read Colson Whitehead's The Underground Railroad the winner of the National Book Award this book flattened me and I cried most of the way through it in parts especially toward the end it reminded me in ways of Stranger in a Strange Land which as many of you know is one of my favorite books in the top five of my favorites though the two books could not be more different (though they are the same in many ways hard to explain if you have not read Stranger) I read until ten last night with only twenty pages to go I finally had to sleep please please please read this book I felt I was inside history wretched and singingly beautiful heartbreaking with breath open and bravery running through this morning I woke and finished the book again in tears I love that Whitehead mentioned both David Bowie and Prince in his acknowledgements it is cliched to say a book is important but this one is and even though it's history what happens in the book is happening still

I woke also to rain so I opened all the windows in my bedroom and breathed the delicious forest salt water air then I noticed the light in the foyer was off I always leave it on when my son is gone it protects me like a small sun and first I thought the power had gone out as it does here then I thought perhaps the lightbulb had burned out which yikes the ceiling there is 59 feet tall so I would have to get my ten foot ladder out of the shed and stand on my tippy toes to change it I walked to the kitchen with Jupiter at my side to make coffee and the coffee was ready to be turned on the paper in the hopper the water in the tank then hmmmm...did my son make coffee for me before he left (he is the prime coffee maker at Summer's End I am as happy drinking the iced tea in my refrigerator) or did I make it and forget I set the grind to going then peeked out into the far room the Spare Oom or the Second Living Room a huge room in which nothing but my old antique folding table and computer live and there was his truck outside so the rain must have set the camping party backward and I have to admit I am thrilled to have him for another day

I turned on the television without sound because I don't know how many people are sleeping here this morning and there was a computer generated polar bear standing on its hind legs and then a small girl was riding the bear then it seemed someone was going to die so I played with Jupiter a while then I went outside and picked some sweet strawberries and now I'm going to roast some potatoes and onion and garlic for breakfast then I will choose my next book such a delicious choosing one of My Favorite Things and then we shall see

I hope Sunday is treating you well Darklings

in the library at Summer's End

Saturday, July 15, 2017

summer's End in the morning

these are most likely boring images but I love this house and this land so much that I want to record it here so in winter and the rainly seasons I can remember what the insides looked like with the sun bright and good and clean

(does everyone do this when they move into the house of their dreams? I have no idea this is the first time my very first and my very last)


this will be quick because my computer is about to run out of juice and I want to answer as many of your comments as I can now that I am back to normal
yes you can laugh I am
the Seroquel has finally done its business which is to put an iron lid on my fire and make me sleep one thousand days and one thousand nights not to mention making my brain pretty much stop but the mania seems to have passed which means my son aka my keeper will be leaving today and bless him for being here bless him
here is my plan for today that's right the cherries just keep on coming this is how I figured out how many jars I would need vs. cherries they look like jewels to me

here are some of my strawberries last night I draped bird netting over them because while I didn't mind sacrificing some of the berries to keep the birds happy they are little gluttons and are now denied access the huge utterly sweet strawberries will remain safe I have small green tomatoes now and have cut all the suckers off the tall plants and every morning I go to the beach then I go to the garden and fling the slugs into the forest I'm getting pretty good at it

here is my beach three days ago when it looks like this I call it Brigadoon that's Whidbey Island across the Saratoga Passage

here is my beach this morning

both versions are my favorite
I will return when the coast is clear let today be a summer Saturnday in the best of ways


Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I apologize for the serial posting I can only think in increments right now
I went to urgent care for my finger and the nurse pulled the bee stinger out from under my fingernail where it had lodged itself so tomorrow I have to go to a real doctor to get her mess fixed
I can't take my seroquel tonight because it makes me sleep for 14 hours and my appointment is at 8 AM and this is causing me stress

my son brought me peaches apricots and 40 pounds of bing cherries from his orchard

and I turned them into this for winter's bone

here is a young girl throwing a huge weight over her head in the Highland Games

I bought this tapestry of the Green Man with Celtic knots at the games and hung it on the wall of my living room he fills the wall and is most beautiful

and here is a spider I found when I drove around trying to find a 10 acre sculpture park on my island I think I was getting close

Photobucket where I've been storing my photos for five years has decided I have to pay $499 a year to put my photos on this blog

that's it for now Darklings
gonna go cry for no reason except here I am stuck with this faulty brain
crying is what I do best

owning my crazy 6.

fr instance now I'm hungry so I'm going back to get out the stuff for pasta primavera again

mockingbird wish me luck

owning my crazy 5.

fr instance on Sunday I drove to the annual Highland Games on the Skagit River I wisely avoided the carnival concession stands and wandered around saw some cool stuff talked to people talk salad talktalk then I got hot after walking for five hours and I found a way to get down to the river where I was able to cool my legs then I decided to go to my favorite Mexican restaurant in town and I was seated behind a man and his family the man was screaming about Muslims and how they were all out to destroy America (his exact words) and praising Trump and then he started complaining loudly about the fact that the restaurant had French fries on their menu and why would a Mexican place have French fries instead of tacos pronounced tack-ohs (the other side of the restaurant is a steak house) and I could see the Latina waitress getting anxious and when I finished my meal I walked up to the man's table and quietly said Excuse me I could not help overhearing your conversation I am a Muslim and your words were hurtful and offensive and he started screaming at me GOOD YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY YOU CHICKENSHIT TERRORIST even though I am the whitest woman in the universe then I walked out and he followed me to my car still screaming obscenities so I got out my phone and began to film him as he was holding the door to the restaurant open so everyone inside could hear him then he followed me to my car still screaming so I grabbed my Club steering wheel lock which is extremely heavy and sharp and pointed it at him and he went back inside and I tore out of there thinking he was going to follow me and honestly I would have done this had I been sane but it sure felt like part of my crazy and I felt shame and fear for hours after

when I was poor I kept a small Lodge cast iron skillet in my car as a weapon the Club is even better as it has mean ridges

I guess I'll not be going back to that restaurant since I made a scene of sorts even though I kept my voice down now that I have some distance on it I'm glad I spoke up but I knew this part of the state was viciously pro-Trump I knew it when I moved here

I apologize for adding to that man's anger but not for defending whomever might have been hurt by his words

owning my crazy 4.

fr instance yesterday as I drove to the store I saw a huge garage sale being set up at the church and I pulled in because I spotted what might be an incredible bookshelf pulling in was difficult because there was a giant sign blocking the church parking lot that read CLOSED UNTIL SATURDAY I got out of my car and a woman came running up to me and I started manic talktalk to her asking when the sale was (clearly it was Saturday) and then I told her sure I'd come to their Bible study Wednesday morning which I will not do not ever talk salad is so horrible and it gets worse

owning my crazy 3.

fr instance I decided to vacuum the entire house using my old vacuum cleaner instead of the robot and I spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to turn it on and ended up calling my son asking him how to do it even though I've been using the vacuum cleaner for years he told me push the bright red button that reads OFF/ON this was embarrassing and he was working and I irritated him I know though he did not let it show as he somewhat understands my crazy

owning my crazy 2.

fr instance I got out all the ingredients to make peach Danishes left all the stuff out then once the cheese got soft and the peaches nicely macerated I put it all back in the fridge probably ruining the three perfect peaches then I decided I wanted to make pasta primavera so I got asparagus and morel mushrooms and brussels prouts (I always spell it that way that's not my crazy) and onion and an entire burrata out on the counter let stuff get to room temperature then put it all back in the fridge hours later with most likely a ruined burrata since it's hot out

owning my crazy 1.

fr instance I've been watching Ink Masters all day and one of their challenges was to tattoo women who had breast cancer and had either no breasts or breast reconstruction that left them with no nipples this made me cry for hours literally for hours I could not stop crying and I'm still watching I'll probably sit here and watch all night
Dear Darklings, I have so much to tell you but mania + seroquel have turned my brains to mush. This is  just a note to let you know I'm not dead yet.


Thursday, July 6, 2017

Weak end update

I mopped the kitchen floor and now I am literally physically exhausted so maybe there is something happening in my body that makes me crave rest

I bet that bee sting infection is barreling toward my heart and I will be dead within a week

That's what I get for worshipping the little buggers

Your Friendly Neighborhood Hypochondriac slash Neurotic


I'm not having cake for lunch I'm having Doritos dipped left handed into some elderly cream cheese and sweet iced tea that I made last weekend that's right boys and girls my love of processed fake cheese "foods" full of chemical poisons and The Devil Sugar continues unabated 

The Lazy R Ranch

I feel lazy today not in the pejorative way more in the way of cattle branding or how folks in the olden days used to call my Ex-Glamorous Job The Lazy B because of the slant of that initial on its logo

yesterday I called DOGNURSE and canceled my appointment for today I got in under her 24 hour deadline so I won't get charged for my canceling this after spending quite a bit of time with her accountant wondering why I got billed twice the exact same bill with the exact same medical codes (after a while you learn to read these codes) one for $42 and another for $132 apparently she sometimes charges me for talk therapy (which we don't do we only do meds) and sometimes she just charges me for meds I did end up paying her full price after three years because Medicaid didn't pay even though when I called Medicaid they said she was covered or I was covered with her and she also said she was licensed for Medicaid which she later denied saying

I know

only one more year with her then I can get off disability and be on regulation Social Security and it will be a blessing I am doing my best to only see her every three months which means I have to lie and tell her I'M FEELING JUST GREAT THANK YOU then take my prescriptions and run like hell only one more year only four more visits and I will find a great shrink one whom I actually trust one who remembers my name one who lives near me not two hours away not one who essentially cheats and lies

I told her I was too manic to drive today which is the truth I didn't tell her that my manic uptick was starting to sizzle down until I remembered my appointment with her I didn't tell her that seeing her seeing any human other than my son causes me terrible anxiety though I have told her in the past I have told her over and over remember when I told her I had PTSD and she said Oh that's no big deal we all have PTSD these days then I asked her if she hid in the closet whenever her phone rang or someone knocked at her door? very unprofessional ugh double ugh

sorry to go on about this she really pisses me off

and yes I feel lazy today my son is coming home later this afternoon and there is much I thought I would do like mop and turn on the vacuuming robot and maybe cook something instead I am filled with STOPPED-NESS my body today demands that I lie about and watch the monarch butterflies with Jupiter my body demands that I eat cake for breakfast my body demands that I continue cooking the marinara that I started yesterday instead of putting it in jars and freezing it for the future because simply turning on the fire under the pot was easier I did manage to take a bath and wash my hair and I wrote two letters and I washed the floaty starfish quilt that drags me into the dreamocean at night and I washed some dishes turned on the half full dishwasher and I took the garbage and recycling out to the bins that's about it

the lazy days of summer and the delicious naughty feeling of skipping school or calling in sick to work when you feel 100%

cake for lunch too I'm thinking

I will come back and answer all your lovely comments when my bee-stung finger heals right now it is slimed up with Neosporin and covered with a bandaid but my finger is so hot that the Neosporin is melting and oozing out and got the letter L greasy on my beautiful Mac plus I have to type everything three times because I touch type and being out a digit makes my typing ;ook ike this


Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Welcome to July

I haven't posted in a while because I've been content with reading digging in the dirt playing my violin and for the most part staying off line I am not used to happiness I am not used to this lack of stress and worry I keep waiting for that other shoe the anvil shaped shoe to drop on my head

it took me six months to move my body out of my bedroom and into the living room to watch some movies so far I watched two I Am Not Your Negro a documentary about James Baldwin which was incredible (I own and have read and studied the book) and La La Land

I Am Not Your Negro brought hot ancient tears I remember asking my darling brother how our mother became so racist in her elderly and he said that she was always that way but we didn't have any context as children with which to recognize it and he was right as he always is because now that I have some distance from her corporeal being I am remembering things she said jokes she made nasty comments what you would expect from her and her general ugliness as a person please watch this movie with your children

which brings me to La La Land which was hugely problematic for me the biggest problem being that the only people of color in the movie were entertainers hmmmm... and a white boy wanted to bring jazz back to popular culture HELLO? with no mention as to the African roots of jazz there is that -- a feeling of unbalance of racism that made me uncomfortable and I've never been a fan of Ryan "I took three months of piano lessons so I could play a musician in a movie" Gosling I think his face lacks character he reminds me of a tall thin rat and always has of course there are no actual musicians in Holyrood who could have done justice to the part hmmmmmmmm...also when Gosling sang he was so off key so consistently flat that I kept correcting him in my head sometimes screaming the correct note out to the telly which is a thing I do yes and yes I have absolute pitch I just do I was born with it I suppose and I have a lot of attitude about actors faking being musicians to her credit Emma Stone an actor I like could sing on key she had a surprisingly sweet untrained soprano voice surprising because her speaking voice is so deep I loved the dances the dresses and the scene at the Griffith Observatory which was enchanting and the catchy theme song which rolled around in my head hours after watching the movie

I drove to the market the other day because I was out of flour and even though my car is over a year old it still has New Car Smell and only 5,000 miles on the odometer even with two trips to the central Oregon coast and 496,900 trips from Seattle to the north while I was house hunting my car sits gathering pine needles which I occasionally sweep out with a wide black paint brush because I am so happy to just be here to be in my body which is behaving perfectly (no nausea etc) to put together my library which is coming along except for boxes of my son's crap which magically appear in there soon after I make a new space then when he leaves I move them back to his room yes his room is small but he is gone  most of the time and if his room is too small I have invited him to move his crap to his father's house or one of his many friends' houses and I'm sticking to my guns I am Annie Oakleying this to the bitter end he can have all the space he wants when I die and leave him the house but for now it's mine and I have dreamed of the library for my entire I tried to make a short video of it but could not get it to post so I will try Vimeo if I can remember my password for now here is a peek

featuring Angela Simione's incredible art

I finally moved into the kitchen as well I mean I have been cooking like a fiend since I moved in even when I couldn't eat but then I would scurry to my room with my food because I have not had a kitchen table in 30 years and I'm used to eating on my lap now I take my meals at the table with napkins and this spectacular view and I've been sitting there to write a habit I had for years that I missed also I have gained 8 pounds since I stopped with all the womit but it's okay my face looks better my skin is glowy and it's nice to be able to keep food inside

every morning I get awakened by Jupiter who has decided that 5:30 is GET UP!!! is morning she meepmeepmeeps at me then jumps on the bed with her kitty-spit-soaked toys and she stretches out beside me and tucks them into my hair and purrs until I wake she is not a lap kitty and probably will never be but she is so danged affectionate that she has enclosed my heart with Animal God love kitty spit and all after I feed the cats I make coffee then I go out and look at my garden I put my face right into the tomatoes oh god they smell so amazing when the sun is high I have radishes and tomatoes (still green) and cucumbers and zucchini which I pick when they are tiny did I tell you a bee stung me on the tip of my right hand ring finger? and now it is infected and it reminds me of being a child when I was a dedicated nail biter and was always getting infected fingers which my mother wrapped in bread soaked in milk -- a milk poultice -- the wet milk would dry and the bread drew out the infection I was not taken to a doctor until I almost died from pneumonia in the third grade of course doctors might have figured out what was going on with me so they were The Enemy and had to be avoided at all costs which brings me to what is happening to my eyebulbs which is KILLER POLLEN

I have always been very allergic to pollen in early and then again in late summer and I get terribly itchy eyes which I soothe by soaking a wash cloth in milk and pressing it against my eyes until they stop itching and I didn't make the connection between my mother's milk poultices and my own milk eyebulb habit which I learned from the hippies on the farm until this week I still refuse to drink the stuff but it works swiftly for itchy eyebulbs and always has

I have recently read two memoirs one by Patricia Lockwood Priestdaddy which is full of funny and brilliant writing as all of Tricia's writing is but also very light and airy with nothing really happening in the book none of life pushing against life nothing hard to rise above if that makes sense and Roxane Gay's Hunger which spoke to me deeply and personally but which lacked finesse and contained some grammatical errors lots of grammatical errors which I tend to circle with a pen as I read and surprised me from a PhD writer but chalk that up to bad editing both books were good and I recommend them both

this is all so boring and it hurts like fuck to type with a bee stung finger and today I'm making marinara with Walla Walla sweet onions and baby zucchini from my garden and basil and parsley from my herb garden and fresh farm corn that I found at the market I was going to start up the grill and cook the corn on the recent war exploding holiday but I discovered it's no fun to grill alone and easier to boil corn then get on with life

tomorrow I have to drive to downtown Seattle to see DOGNURSE which gives me the heebie jeebies and this is my birthday month and I thought I was turning 65 but I'm actually turning 64 and this is the second time in 10 years that I forgot my own damned age even though I'm pretty good at maths

since I can't write for fuck I'll show you some more pix from around the house
here are some weeds flowers in the library my sixth grade teacher once told me that weeds were simply undesirable flowers I have never forgotten and if they're pretty I'll pick them and bring them in

here are some actual flowers I planted in early spring

here is a little terrarium I made for the kitchen table (I still have my giant terrarium of course it is over 20 years old now and it still rains inside)
here is a perfect angel food cake I baked using real angels that I ate with tiny mascerated strawberries from my garden

here is a peach buckle I baked that tasted exactly like a peach pie once I doctored up the recipe and yes the reason I've gained 8 pounds in a month and this isn't even stress baking it's happy baking!
and here is Jupiter busy opening every single cupboard and drawer in the house because she figured out how and it makes makes her happy
if you have read this yawn-ful post this far then you are a better man than I
I just hope my bee stung finger doesn't fall off I'm going to have a piece of French bread dipped in marinara my favorite meal for early dinner hello and love from Summer's End
lastly here is a religious text that I have not touched since I received it from a monk in 1984 raise your had if you know what it is              

Saturday, June 24, 2017

is such a weak word in writing it is a clearing of the throat but I don't care if Kurt Vonnegut can do it so can I also the weak word thing is just a rule I imposed on myself for the craft of poetry which is different than regulation writing but should not be
my ex husband showed up this morning to fetch his son then he came in then he stayed
also a weak word metaphors are much stronger than similes
I was in the kitchen making enchiladas because it is a version of stress baking what with all the veggie prep and tortilla making and sauce cooking etc
I wonder if he thought I was going to make him lunch
he talked about his brother reminding me that his brother was his brother hello! we were married for ten years I know who your brother is
he mansplained to me about how to get the pine needles off my roof and how to clean the gutters
he talked about his now religious sister and her husband who I adored at one time back when animals could talk
then I pushed gently guided him outside where he spent over ten minutes mansplaining (again) how to care for the trees on my property good thing I didn't mention I have a septic tank or that would have been another hour of mansplaining
I was getting itchy twitchy my son was hovering waiting for me to crawl out of my skin waiting for my entire skin to shed and hit the deck in a pasty pink puddle
because my son understands that I am not a social animal my son has the goods on me my son knows

then they left thank bog with five of my giant peanut butter cookies wrapped in tin foil like eight year olds going to day camp

now I am simmering sauce and trying to watch LaLa Land and truthfully I cannot get my brain inside it I just cannot I have no idea where this movie came from or why it is a representation of LA I have never been to LA though I have been in and around that area my vision of LA lies in better movies the Watts riots and Elizabeth  I would not mind taking a trip there but I won't be singing and dancing well I might dance one never knows truthfully I might even sing but not that way

today the tides are at their lowest for the year and it's going to be hot for here 80 degrees might not be hot for you but it is here it was 80 degrees yesterday too and I had all the windows in the house open and the breeze came through and I felt comfortable the entire day maybe after I cook the enchiladas I will go to the lake and swim though yesterday I stepped on the business end of an X-acto knife blade yes I stabbed myself in the foot just like in the movies except only I could get stabbed with the pointy point of an X-acto blade therefore today I'm wearing a bandaid on the bottom of my foot and a sock this is all incredibly boring

I have nothing

good morning from Summer's End where the fun never stops

*So it goes, from Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut

Friday, June 23, 2017

I am horse-heart drunk on Wild Turkey the promise of sugar peas and striped radishes with one clichéd red rosebud I strung the plastic clothesline in my forest grabbed the clips for chips clips off the kitchen counter as I don’t have chips but I do have underwear and sheets to dry in the sun this morning a landscape frenzy cleared off my dresser emptied my dresser drawers my bedside table put heavy blankets away exposed my sea quilt with floating jellyfish put my laundry away painted my toenails whore red put escaped books back on their shelves scrubbed the bathroom lit a candle I’m preparing for a guest a gold visitor a breathless graduation an infant a church inside a church underneath the freeway I prepare for the end of the world wedding banquet where Jesus is the Bride and Bridegroom at the Church of ME. I prepare my wedding bed. I prepare the meal I bake giant peanut butter cookies to crack surrender and share. There is some serious shaking going on under the apocalypse train finally rumbling up the track and I shovel coal even my hair waves out from my scalp electric and soft and thick. Weird excitement. Fear. I can smell the lowest tide of the year when I step outside. Divination with pea tendrils and fiddlehead ferns.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

the most boring post in the universe and a wee frog

I made a savory custard this morning and I pinched off my basil leaves then I rubbed them between my hands for their perfume and when I smelled my hands my sense/thought was of small pox blankets I have no idea of course if small pox blankets smelled sweet but I had a diabetic friend when we were both in our twenties and when her insulin was off her entire body had a strange sweet smell

yesterday was so exciting for me that my brain spun out my son and I ended up going to an early dinner and I ate so quickly and so much having forgotten lunch and having not had much breakfast and then I felt too full like after Thanksgiving and sleep did not come and did not come and did not come until around 3 this morning

so it goes

today I went to the beach then made salsa verde cruda which I tend to put on everything then washed a ton of clothes and then nothing I am still at nothing even though there is much to do to do to do

I saw this wee green frog when I was clearing out some crap and exposing a gorgeous white trellis in front of which I'm going to plant my giant sunflowers he was so tiny if he dropped into my hair I could have worn him as a barrette and I never would have noticed and that's about it for me
no one guessed why I named my hutch Hutch so it might be that no one is reading here maybe I'm shunned like the Amish I was shunned for a while at My Ex Glamorous Job I know how it feels so here's a hint though the contest is over as promised Ms. Lockwood's memoir will go into the book bin at the giant grocery store next week

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

pictures of euphoria

Trailed her hand through water a blue egg sack bitch and snarl she wanted to say everything in bright shoes tight shorts thrust against the washing machine a cubby for each running sore each raw bone each torn muscle each beg to know what was what and why the fuck did she remain stuck fingering herself awake covered in gliss yelp growl her alert sleek the conversation perfect all she wanted was that empty room him naked and full in the corner her hair in his fist the streets so humid she couldn't breathe. Three times she grunted his name the first a surprise the second in an alley in Chicago the third face down in the Methow Valley with cheat grass springing up crawling along her legs a true fake crime scene where everyone held their breath waiting for seepage and insects. At dinner she pressed the teeth of a fork into her thigh to open the glare monster stored in his holster and don't think it was easy. She's terrified now she's started she won't be able to push the planchette back to NO. Oh god. When she swims too far into the ocean the water becomes a green glass bowl with edges rippled like Christmas candy.
I have been going fast all day

the boy arrove this morning with his gigantic truck and we moved the antique hutch from the antique store into the library at Summer's End we took out the glass that goes in the door because the hutch is ancient and oak and extremely heavy and the glass was thin I wrapped it in my polka-dot beach towel and carried it home on my lap here is Jupiter having a peek inside because she needs to know everything that happens in the house and outside she told me she approves

the hutch has a history it was built at the beginning of the 20th century at the Illinois Cabinet Company in Rockford then it was shipped to Frontier Wyoming where it lived for a long long time before making its way to Camano Island then to Summer's End there is a mirror in which the children's bookshelf and my arm and side boob is reflected in the photo up top

it is the first actual really great antique anything I have ever purchased for myself though I was given my large heavy mirror and the now disappeared piano and my tableslashdesk I am so happy to have it thrilled in fact I became Superwoman and filled the hutch with books and moved stuff around and I still have space in the hutch which is magically HUGE inside like the wardrobe in Narnia and now my library is actually beginning to look like a library even though I had to move the boxes my son secreted in there back to his room the library will be the library not a breeding ground for random boxes of blankets and car parts I told him if he doesn't have room in his actual room he is welcome to move his stuff to his father's house or the girl's house or etc I promised the library to myself it is extremely important to me and it is shaping up to be magic

after all this moving and dusting and sneezing and the delight in seeing empty space on the coffee table which is in the middle of the library (it was made by my friend Bob who also made the matching floor to ceiling bookshelf which takes up the entire north wall of the library) the boy and I went to lunch at a local Mexican place then he came back and mowed the vast lawn and now he's heading back out

here is the label on the back of the hutch which I have named Hutch the first person who can guess why I chose that name will receive a fabulous Radish King prize--a copy of Patricia Lockwood's fantastic memoir Priestdaddy this offer will disappear tomorrow morning at 9 AM

I hope the beginning of summer is amazing for you and you and you

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

leaf or slug?

I drove to the beach this morning as I always do and it looked like this

when I arrived home there was a white car parked in my driveway and I backed up and watched as Mr and Mrs call me Lisa Kooper were getting out but the paranoia had already roiled up leaving me shaking physically and internally and irrationally angry which means I'm still manic still inside it goddamn the first time in six months anyone has dropped by except Alice which reminds me Alice is here not in Japan but one wee town over and she has not called I guess she won't which makes me both sad and paranoider and of course still manic

I reheated some beans and had huevos rancheros with my delicious orange-yolked roadside eggs and my own salsa verde (tomatillos garlic onion serrano pepper salt pepper) I coyoted it down (wolf down seems off on account of the coyote visit this morning) then I tried to write a letter and my hands were shaking so hard I made a mess of it and now all my worry hairs are standing up shouting at me and I'm back in my Christmas nightgown which is my version of comfort food and my belly is rumbling really noisy and I just want to hide I would be baking up a storm but I am out of flour and I am afraid to drive again

I feel this way too when my phone rings when people message me on FaceBook for no real reason when people invade and some invade more than others and I have written about this over and over and over though I am still taken to task for it ugh

I can smell the low tide from my little end of the island and walking to the house from my car I had to keep close watch to make sure I was stepping on wet rolled up leaves not wet stretched out slugs and that's that for now I'm thinking I'll hang one of my Voodoo dolls in the mudroom in plain sight to keep the Adventists and their weird crushing frightening lust for my soul at bay


summer is my season

the season of warm skin
the season of lake swimming
the season of ocean
the season of my birth
the season of outside
the season of Campfire Girl Camp
the season of Church Camp
the season of Music Camp
the season of cooking over fires
the season of bees
the season of playing scales on the deck
the season of open windows
the season of ripe tomatoes
the season of tomato and mayo sandwiches
the season of bean-time
the season of rich green lust
the season of the mango swimsuit
the season of short shorts and light dresses
the season of bakers
the season of bicycles
the season of Bach's Three Part Inventions
the season of the Tarot
the season of coconut scented lotions
the season of long nights
the season of ripe fat berries
the season of fecundity
the season of white sun drenched sheets
the season of wild breath
the season of lux

this morning I opened my bedroom window to the call of a coyote and the answer of owls

this morning I am thinking about the male gaze as well as the female gaze which makes me equally uncomfortable

this morning is about fake love and real love and the patriarchy and how tired I am of men writers of men artists of men Big Thinkers of men politicians of men police and policing and how women do a better job of almost everything

there is black coffee the disappearance of fog the embrace of wildness and necessary waking and Jupiter and Orlando and the opening of the earth's rippled skin and my own skin

this is simply a hymn

Good morning Darklings

Monday, June 19, 2017

Pig and farm report

last night at dusk I cut up three elderly honey crisp apples and threw them out my bedroom window and almost immediately the entire Animal Parade came marching through bunnies and birds happily chewing away I had no idea bunnies loved apples so much and no wonder those birds are such little fatties! joy and a floor show for Jupiter who sat on the window seat and banged her tail to let me know there was a criminal element in the side yard this morning brought the young buck and a doe to finish what the bunnies left which wasn't much I walked outside to pick dead leaves off my container herbs and as I picked a black leaf out of my cilantro I realized too late that it was a slug which made me run screaming into the house to boil my hand ick

I have baby tomatoes!!!

I have spread broken eggshells around my tomatoes hoping that will keep the slugs from wandering in I keep my eye on them so far so good have any of you gardeners out there tried this method?

after I tended the garden I took a bath washed my hair shaved my legs and opened an artery on the back of my left knee then I got out of the tub and wrapped my seafoam (not an actual color) hand towel around my leg to staunch the bleeding and plastered two giant band aids on it put on my dress and took myself to breakfast at the Farmer's Cafe which was as usual full of actual farmers then I went to the grocery store for garlic bread and then I went to the bakery to flirt with the baker and show off my bloody leg etc

when I got home I packed up the rest of the card boxes THE FINAL BOXES except for the fan box which Jupiter uses as her tent and took them to the dump I do love going to the dump it is the first fun memory I have of my father from back in the olden days when the dump was just a place outside of town where you dumped crap then set up beer bottles and shot at them with a rifle ahhh childhood with a drunk father can't be beat

after the dump I came home harvested two heads of red lettuce washed them in the sink started up Roberta the Robot walked out to talk to my trees startled a bunny actually almost tripped over her on my way down the hill did I mention I have baby tomatoes?!?! it seems like it's been forever since I had a garden and this one thrives

I am thriving too here happy healing myself from the inside out clearing my sweet insides of toxins and toxic people speaking of whom my ex-husband will be here for a minute next week which makes me nervous as it always has back in the good old days I used to cook Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for him (I invited him for my son even though I detested cooking for him he who never thanked me for a single meal I cooked for him even down to packing his fucking lunches) until I admitted to myself and my kid that he was the most toxic of all and I was holding a lot of resentment toward him that I basically created myself it has been good for me to learn to say NO to realize that resentment hangs on because there is nothing one can do about it unlike guilt which can be assuaged sometimes though this time I will welcome him sort of and he can use the guest bathroom but no dinner not even a cup of coffee unless he begs for one but probably I will hide in my room he is going to a car show with the aforementioned kid I will mop the floor maybe and that's it

today is cleaning day as Mondays are now for me I never had cleaning days in the old house I only cleaned when I absolutely had to and it wasn't fun as it is here what with my robot vacuum cleaner and shiny new house

I think that's all there is to this post Orlando sleeps on the boy's bed Jupiter stalks the robot as she moves through the house then sits on the robot once it is done vacuuming she sits on it for a few minutes to see if it's still alive or if it is something she has to kill again she is a brave and proud hunter whether it is of wee mice or grown deer or those rather sweet old Seventh Day Adventists Mr and Mrs call me Lisa Kooper who stopped dropping by after I convinced them I was near death and really didn't want to read their little magazine about the Four Horsemen what with Satan in the White House etc

I feel so organized and unpacked that I could float like a bar of Ivory Soap™ if I wanted right out into the deep deep blue

Hello from Summer's End where even rotten apples taste sweet

Sunday, June 18, 2017

In the black tail forest with Jupiter ascending

I had one night a few nights ago where I thought I could not sleep because electricity was jaggering through my brain on fire with images that passed through like lucid dreams but more real and when I woke I felt that I was never asleep though I was not tired

the next morning my son called and told me that he dreamed that I had died that I coughed and when he came into my room I was dead

thankfully I did not die

I have not been leaving the house because I am unsure if the mania has passed and if I leave the house with my little debit card I might get myself into trouble when my son is home I give the card to him during times of mania I have everything I need toilet paper fruit my own biscuits though I could use some spaghetti noodles since I've been making marinara all day today cooking it down adding stock cooking it further down adding stock making it rich and delicious I had a tiny bowl of just marinara for lunch yum

I go to the beach every day this morning I went to County Ark (the P fell off all the Park signs there) and this is how it looked rainy and cold or I was cold in my peachy striped shorts and pink sweater and bedroom slippers which is how I am dressing now that I have retired my Christmas nightie for the summer

yesterday I unpacked the LAST BOX which in fact was the last box I packed when I left the old house it was a hurried packing tossing of all my old dishes and silverware and three kitchen junk drawers I whittled it down to two tiny Rubbermaid boxes with lids that will go into the library now I am officially unpacked finally in five days I will have been here six months the time has swept by so fast I think because there is no worry and stress with which to measure my days it hasn't stopped raining this week so I pull easy weeds out of my garden fling slugs with joyful abandon play with Jupiter here she is after leaving the kitchen sink after putting her actual mouth on the faucet (clearly I am still not over this weirdness) and I'm pretty sure once I post this no one will ever want to come to dinner though I wash my counters religiously

the deer are plentiful in my forest here everyday now and they love to pose for photos

the bunnies too delight in my tender pink roses

and this very fat bird who bathes with gusto knocking the smaller birds right out of the bath under the watchful eyes of St. Frankie

once again I have posted too many photos but it's still hard to think and my insides are vibrating in a strange way but I have not been stomach sick in a week and I believe I've gained maybe six pounds or so I'm afraid to look at the scales but so what so what so what I can still wear my mango swim suit and swim in the lake

that's it from Summer's End where the poppies are springing up and the radishes have been ravished by bunnies and I have baby tomatoes and Marylinn Magnolia has sprung from one branch to fifteen in a spectacular display of joy and Figgy Pudding is still one thin stalk with insanely huge leaves unfolding in its top

this week I binge-watched Orange is the New Black around the middle I decided it was crap but it pulled itself together with some memorable performances and a solid story line at the end and made me weep today I am binge watching American Gods they are playing the entire season on Starz or whatever station that is such beautiful story telling with the same cinematographer who filmed Hannibal such dreamy beauty

I have to go stir the kettle of sauce the day pines away I miss the father I wished I had had


Wednesday, June 14, 2017

this deer appeared right outside my bedroom window this morning he was eating the wild pink roses that are growing there he turned and looked straight at me and let me take this photo look at his little velvety antlers it was a good time to be reminded that we can and will be startled by intense beauty in this world, still

good morning Darklings and love

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Pig and farm report

this morning Jupiter woke me with her tiny meeps and mewps she is an extremely talkative cat not loud at all but lots of vocalizing when I refused to fill her already full bowl of dry food she stretched out on my chest and purred and kneaded her little paws in my hair and my entire being relaxed and I got another hour of sleep and then she woke me again this time stretched out at my side and I realized she had fetched all her kitty toys her catnip mice her catnip carrot with the purple ribbon tied to it and both the strings from my pink hoodie and brought them into my bed and hid them in my hair then I got up made a pot of coffee and she alerted me first to a yellow hummingbird then to a baby bunny who was running down a little mound of dirt outside my bedroom window the bunny would run three steps then roll the rest of the way down the mound of dirt then she would pop up and do it all over again hysterically funny to both Jupiter and me and probably no one else in the entire world

I had a blueberry bagel for breakfast

life is beautiful
I play my violin on the deck every morning around 10 I am so relieved to find that I am still a violinist I have not practiced since I got sick in April

that's all I have

good morning from Summer's End where the deer and the antelope (and the violinist) play
here is my old lady hand my garden-wrecked manicure my cut short to aching fingernails my bow and Bach the pages are water stained at the top because I have dropped this book in the bath twice over the years

Monday, June 12, 2017

I feel a definitive uptick in my body an inner shaking that signals a manic swing please Baby Jesus let it not be so
if it is so kindly bear or bare with me

this has been a Radish King public service announcement

How I spent my summer vacation pt. 3

I have been thinking a lot about POETRYWORLD lately maybe because I have a book ready to fly out into the world maybe because I have been offline more than on maybe because I am so tired very very tired of my Twitter feed which is full of poets promoting their work and announcing their publications no matter how tiny and these are poets I've known forever why the urge to keep publishing even their weakest work in the crappiest journals I have lost that urge but not the desire to write no not one bit but the desire to work in isolation grows and grows and I believe I am in the perfect place mentally spiritually and physically to write another novel then the publishing work will begin again mostly I'm thinking that all that poet exposure online can be a hindrance especially when I see poets writing the same work over and over and over and over and over etc I remember being a single mother living in a tiny house near green lake on Aurora typing on an actual typewriter late into the night having only books to guide me no schooling no teachers no Poets Laureates and how it was then alone with it without all the chatter the noise the LOOKIT ME! LOOKIT ME! and I have been the LOOKIT ME! girl but I have outgrown it that's what I'm thinking about that and my dinner which is almost ready which is frozen goddamn jalapeno poppers and some home made bleu cheese dressing in which to dip


How I spent my summer vacation pt. 2

the bunnies ate my tender radish greentops all but the outside two radishes
this is not earth shattering
I get such joy from the bunnies so I referred myself to Beatrix Potter
all is well except for the radishes

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Dear Darklings,

this morning I baked a cake watered the garden gracefully flang a pekingese-sized slug who was inching its way toward my tomatoes into the primeval forest with two sticks fed the cats let Jupiter drink from the faucet which never fails to make me snorkle with glee and cleaned up after myself getting the entire left sleeve of my t-shirt wet in the process

here is a photo of the cake which is another strawberry streusel because 1. strawberries and 2. baking this bounty of food is still remarkable to me so many years of hungry of not none and nothing the eggs are $3 eggs from Blackdog Farm's Roadside Produce Stand you put the money in a locked box with a hole in it and take the eggs from a cooler the little produce stand is on my way home when I go into town and the eggs make me envy Mary Moon with her vixen hens and brave roosters oh! the bright orange yolks!

here is a close-up of my Tim Burton cake stand also mango nipples

my trip to Seattle on Thursday was stressful I had a panicattackoutofnowhere and I told my son in case he thought I was about to explode or something I have to say I hate admitting them to him it makes him worry but I need to keep honest I also have to say that his driving makes me crazy(ier) he is a soft spoken strong kind young man who only shows his aggressive nature in his giant truck so when I ride with him I'm always gripping my seat as though I'm about to fly through his windshield I wanted to have lunch at Bengal Tiger as I always do and he wanted to have breakfast for lunch at Shay's which is a sleazy cafe on Aurora with truly spectacular omelets he won and I pouted as I am sincerely tired of the City so very tired and as soon as we hit the freeway I was missing the island

yesterday on my way to town (I did not take my gun to town) I stopped at Dahlia's Vintage Marketplace which was having an outside flea market and I went inside (honestly I thought I could steal some of her fragrant yellow roses) and in the far corner of the house I discovered an antique hutch which was painted olive green with milk-paint at some point the hutch has glass doors shelves a hidden desk on two fine chains and a secret drawer that opens to a stand on which to hold an open book and I right away put $100 down on it and will pay the rest on payday it is an expensive piece for me ($200) but it is in gorgeous shape and will look perfect in my pale pink and pale green library OH! oh oh oh I left without pinching a rose I am trying not to go back to look at it once I get it home I'll take a photo SO MUCH BETTER THAN A CRAP BOOKSHELF FROM OFFICE DEPOT THAT I HAVE TO PIECE TOGETHER though I'll still need a couple of those though I keep my eyes open for barn sale and garage sale shelves

this morning I got out of my car and took a photo of Brenda the buffalo who lives down the street the water is glassy and amazing today the sun is out etc

here is Jupiter pretending to be a Sphinx admiring the stone(rubber) pavers I am slowly installing (they're expensive) to make an easy path to my garden I should have swept them before I took this snap of my brilliant kitty but she looked so regal!

here is how she usually looks

what I'm reading:
The Descent Of Man by Grayson Perry
Revolution by Russell Brand
buck studies by Douglas Kearney

what I'm watching:
Twin Peaks
Orange is the New Black
American Gods
I'm Dying Up Here
Handmaid's Tale

what I'm listening to:
jagged little pill Alanis Morrisette

sorry for all the photos I post them when I am too stupid to string words together
now I'm going to go play my violin for the trees they prefer Bach

may your Sunday be filled with joy