Sick and Tired Brownie Square with Vulgar Buttermilk Frosting

This made morning I went to the beach then I came home and made brownies and that’s it panic all the way through

Pig and farm report

last night I dreamed I was teaching Whitman’s last lesson I left a jellyfish red blood bloom in his bathroom then tried to clean myself his mother’s friends were there getting ready for a party and when I finally got my violin out and he got his violin out and I managed to right the wire music stand which kept slipping out of my hands I played a few notes then apologized because I knew I would never see him again

the dream woke me at 2:30 then again at 4:30 then I finally woke at 7:30 feeling anxious and sad are we all dreaming through it I feel such a strong connection to everyone I’ve ever known right now it feels other worldly it feels like religious science fiction and what if we all start having the same dream or what if we already are having the same dream

my csa box arrived today bringing sweet blackberries and carrots and celery and radishes and scallions and leafy green lettuce and potatoes and a squash and oranges and kiwis and I was so grateful for it Page and I opened it like the first Christmas

I am going to be so lost when he travels east to tend to his father in two weeks if he even will be able to travel in two weeks this is a time when we all have to live in the now there is no future and the past is as faded as winter grass time is vast right now and at the same time urgent we are all in trauma we are all in fight or flight mode all the time and it skews every conversation

I get a sharp fierce headache once a day at random times that has me holding my head and yelping

I took this picture today at the seawall hello fellow travelers and sweet dreams

Day 24: island signs

Gas Station Flour Cheesy Bisciuts

Page found a two pound bag of flour at a gas station will I sneer at gas station flour no I will not I made biscuits here is my recipe in case you too have gas station flour any kind of cheese will do though cheddar alone might be a wee bit oily I used jarlsberg for these

Gas Station Flour Cheesy Biscuits

2 Cups flour
1 tablespoon baking powder (trust me)
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon of salt
1 pinch of sugar
1 cup + 1/4 cup of buttermilk
1 pound of Gruyère cheese shredded
1 stick of cold butter (but not frozen) shredded

Preheat your oven to 450°. Combine the dry ingredients in a big bowl. Shred the cheese on a box grater and set aside. Take one VERY COLD BUT NOT FROZEN stick of butter and shred it on the box grater you need to know about pastry and butter and box graters you’ll never go back. Dump the butter into the dry ingredients and work it with your fingers until it is about pea sized and as uniform as you can get it. Work quickly so the butter doesn’t get warm. Sometimes if I’m working in a hot kitchen I run my fingers under cold water before I do this. Once the butter is incorporated add the shredded cheese. You don’t have to use an entire pound if you don’t want but you probably should want for maximum deliciousness. Incorporate the cheese with your fingers make a well in the center of the mix and add the cup of buttermilk. Bring the dry ingredients gently into the buttermilk. You’re not making bread here. Be gentle. DO NOT MAKE ME CRY. If the dough doesn’t hold together add a wee bit more buttermilk but don’t over do it. The dough isn’t supposed to be wet. Flour your counter and dump the dough out and quickly flatten it out to a half inch or so thickness. Just pat it don’t use a rolling pin. DO NOT ROLL THE DOUGH I WILL KNOW AND I WILL CRY. Work fast. I use my largest biscuit cutter but sometimes I use the rim of a cocktail shaker for these if I want to make sandwiches out of them the next day. Put them on an unbuttered baking dish. Bake them for 11 minutes or 12 depending on your oven. They will pop up tall and be just a little bit crispy on the bottoms and golden brown on the tops.

Bon Appétit!

Day 22

anxiety fear and cheese 

Day 21

The state park just minutes from my house is closed and I mean seriously closed not just closed to everyone but me which I magically thought would happen there are big iron gates over the road so I took myself to Iverson Spit which was beautiful at low tide

we had cheese quesadillas and homemade minestrone for lunch slash dinner we only eat two meals a day here at the house of uncertain light

this morning I drove past two women walking near our tiny marina on opposite sides of the road screaming a conversation at each other over the wind which seems always always present

my son went to the store this morning still no toilet paper or paper towels or flour or sugar or yeast he is doing all the shopping now which makes me bonkers because while he is a very competent cook he doesn’t shop like a cook so I have to make a complicated list for him and he sticks to it not thinking ’hmm this might be good tomorrow for dinner’ on one hand he saved me money because I toss stuff in my cart that looks interesting on the other hand we’ll be eating pretty much the same thing every night unless it’s cheese filled and baked which has suited me just fine lately there is a shopping time set aside for we elders at the store but being separated from the herd is how you get eaten by the lion I did go into the pot store for some magic candy and I felt the looks of horror shot at me by the people behind the counter OLD LADY! OLD LADY! GAHHHHHH! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!! even though I stood on the blue x and didn’t cough or spit

I can’t concentrate to read right now so I’m scrolling through twitter ignoring the news and switching back and forth between the incredible documentary Crip Camp on Netflix and rewatching Mad Men life feels both pinched down and wildly flailing about hello

This is day 20 for my son and me

We were in lockdown quicker than the rest of the country because it hit here first

Every morning I wake then check my body for signs of disease none so far it is not far fetched to say I’ve been in training for this my entire life and except for not going to the store nothing drastic has changed for me it’s different for my son as he is a highly social animal

All my friends are accounted for Alice emailed me today to my great relief I’ve even been in contact with people I haven’t seen in years some more toxic than others still this all feels like a giant funeral phone tree

My ex company is shutting down operations on the factory side only for two weeks which is not as dreadful for the company as it sounds as they shut down for two weeks every xmess and know how to work a skeleton crew still I’d be a liar if I didn’t tell you that I’m goddamned worried about my pension and what might happen but I am for the most part living in the now


and  breathing through it
and  breathing through
and breathing

my son was outside getting the mail and I heard someone firing a handgun and saw him standing there looking and I ran outside screaming at him to get back in the house never just stand there when you hear gunfire I yelled sick and shaking



PTSD and a buck will get you dinner



anyone else finding themselves being hyper vigilante about now?







*


in other news I had to turn off the orange murderer show I cannot listen to him say one more word

Today we stuck post-it notes to the cat.

The end.

three things

1. I have to let my sourdough starter go dormant for the first time in two decades because there is no flour with which to feed it

2. Yesterday we put post-it notes on the cat to entertain ourselves

3. Today we opened a much valued and hoarded jar of my own marionberry jam and ate some of it with our spoons marionberries only grow for a week before they’re gone they are like a sweeter more delicate blackberry and they are my favorites one of the reasons I go to the Oregon coast every summer is because the marionberry was only grown there for years 

Happy Birthday Papa Bach

I was supposed to play Bach's B Minor Mass today but things being new the mass is canceled I am instead playing along to Paul McCartney's first solo album after the Beatles and before Linda to entertain my son and the various cats that live here and the outside critters too I love this album with my entire stupid heart and it seemed like the right thing to do today I put on pants for the first time in two weeks I think though I've lost track of time it felt good to get out of my pajamas even if it was just for a drive to the beach and back

since we seem to be temporarily out of flour and now bread in western Washington I decided to bake challah two loaves using the last of my ap flour which was exactly six cups I had to use bread flour to knead the dough on my marble slab I have two cups of bread flour left this recipe has honey and cardamom I will post the recipe below

I sent Page out to sweep the pine needles off the roof especially around the vents as I was mixing and kneading the bread and once I got the dough in the oven to rise I realized I hadn't heard him for a while and I became convinced that he had fallen off and broken something but he was just outside talking to his dad panic panic panic that seems to have disappeared I have heard that people are having problems with their plumbing in apartments and sinks busting and all manner of house ills in places where suddenly everyone is home all the time I will light a candle to the house gods to protect all of us

now I don't know what to do and everyday is Sunday and I miss my dad

what are you doing?

*

Challah with honey and cardamom

I would read this recipe all the way through if I were you and you know I am before you start or be a show off and plow ahead!

(makes two braided loaves you can do three braids or six braids for each loaf or none if you want it's a very soft dough that you can just plop in two bread pans just as easily but butter and flour the pan first)

1 1/2 cups warm water, divided (this tends to confuse me so it’s 1 cup then 1/2 cup sheesh)

1/4 cup plus 2 teaspoons sugar, divided 

2 tablespoons (powdered) yeast

6 cups flour either all white all purpose or half white whole wheat

2 teaspoons salt

1/4 cup mild honey, plus an extra tablespoon for egg wash, if desired

2/3 cup flavorless vegetable or canola oil

4 eggs, plus one yolk for egg wash, if desired (I actually use an entire egg plus honey for the egg wash)

1 pinch ground cardamom, optional (I use one honking big pinch almost a teaspoon)

Put 1 cup warm water in a small bowl. Add 2 teaspoons of sugar, sprinkle the yeast over top, swirl the bowl just to combine, and leave it to proof for five minutes. 

While yeast is proofing, mix flour, salt, 1/4 cup of sugar and cardamom, if using, in a large bowl (or in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment.) Stir to incorporate or blend on low speed.

In a medium bowl, mix remaining water, honey, oil, and eggs.

When yeast has finished proofing, add it to the flour, immediately followed by wet ingredients. Mix with a large wooden spoon or on medium-low speed in the mixer, just until combined, about 30 seconds.

Switch to dough hook and begin to knead on low speed, making sure to incorporate what's at the bottom of the bowl if the dough hook misses it. If kneading by hand, stir using spoon until dough becomes to thick to stir. 

Empty dough onto a well-floured surface and knead by hand until the dough is smooth and no longer sticky, adding flour with a light hand as needed, 7-10 minutes.

Split the dough into two equal pieces. Set each in a large oiled bowl, cover both bowls with plastic wrap or a damp towel, and let rise at room temperature until doubled in size. If using white flour, this should take about 2-2.5 hours. If using white whole wheat, it will take closer to 3.5 or 4. Feel free to let the dough rise in the refrigerator overnight instead; if you do this, be sure to set out the dough in plenty of time before shaping, so it can come to room temperature.

Preheat oven to 375.

After the rise, the dough should be soft and pliable. Braid each ball. Separate each mound of dough into three equal balls, for a total of six. Roll each ball into a log almost 1-foot long. Braid the logs together to create your loaf. For the nicest-looking braid, do not pinch the top edges of your logs together before braiding; simply place one log over the next and braid until you reach the bottom, then pinch those edges together. Then, flip the unfinished loaf the long way, so that the unfinished edge is now at the bottom and the loaf has been flipped over and upside down. Finish braiding and pinch these edges together. This way, both ends look identical. Tuck the very tips beneath the loaf when braiding is finished. Repeat with second loaf.

this recipe came from Food52 and if you ask me the above paragraph is confusing as all get out PLUS the recipe doesn't say to let it rise a second time so I added that part also I posted a great youtube tutorial below below on how to do six braid loaves the first time I made this recipe I didn't understand that it was two loaves and made one giant toddler sized challot and ended up dropping that child sized loaf on the floor when I took it out of the oven and breaking its head! if you can work your way through those terrible directions go for it but I say ewww it's two loaves people two!

don't hurt children even dough children

this has been a Radish King public service announcement

Put each braided loaf on its own silpat or parchment paper lined baking sheet. Let rise until doubled in bulk about 1 1/2 hours. 

After the braids have risen (like Jesus!) brush gently with egg wash, mix egg with 1 tablespoon water and 1 tablespoon honey. Add sesame seeds and poppy seeds to the loaf after the egg wash if you want.

Bake at 375 degrees for 20-22 minutes, until challot are golden and baked through.

my notes:

you can find easy tutorials on how to braid challah online three strand challot is just like braiding hair this is my favorite ever tutorial on how to braid six braided challot when I first started making challah I watched this over and over and tried it on ribbons then I watched the video in my kitchen as I made my first challot and once I got the rhythm it became sort of easy and it's a good project if you're stuck in the house and the bread tastes fantastic no matter how you shape it and kids can get into this if they want even grown kids she also shows you how to add sesame seeds and poppy seeds either or both at the end to make it pretty

in fact my son just came in the house and said is it bread yet how long will it be and I told him hours and he said a curse word

corona 6.

on the 6th or 60th day of plague
all the men in my neighborhood
stood outside building fires
stared into smoke
one fire for every yard
one fire for every family
the men divined answers in burnt brush
and plumes rising

on the 6th or 60th day of plague
our planet jostled and shifted
blared its weird televised noise
panic lived in my stomach
my son built a fire

on the 6th or 60th day of plague
I stood on my porch and smoked
half a joint while the woman
at the end of my road
propped an Infant Jesus of Prague
statuette against a fat yellow candle

Pig and farm report

I had a panic attack at Iverson Spit this morning fogged in slimy and desolate I was sure I wasn’t going to be able to refill my temazapam which I use for sleep and my trazodone which I use for sleep for reasons vague and not so vague (instructions from the government to have two weeks worth of meds stashed away for instance) I was worried that my pharmacy might not have any in stock which has happened this vague and not so vague worry kept the dogs gnawing my feet for a while so there I was at deserted spooky Iverson Spit right before I slipped in the slime and seagull shit and landed on my right buttock which is screaming at me now my steadfast and intrepid son fetched my meds for me this afternoon and thinks he has quarantined me from outside I think the lack of supplies out here have me twitchy now dish soap laundry soap mayonnaise and pickles have disappeared from our shelves along with everything else I read there might be a food shortage in the US in the NYT and I’m certainly witnessing it from here the original epicenter of the virus I took a shower washed all my clothes and my hair and spent the rest of the day in bed binge watching Patrick Melrose and all I really want to do is bake some bread

hello
how are you?

corona 5.

in this version of America
a girl in a yellow sweater bee bright
against black hair stands on a stage
the first day of spring
as photographers adjust lights
and microphones waiting
for the turgid man to squat bellow
thick tongued and vile
and attack the press corps

in this version of America
my son and I eat Sunday breakfast
every morning at the kitchen table
and the first day of spring streams
in cold sun and roses open
and cherry trees carry on unperturbed

in this version of America
we are all grieving each day a funeral
as every sparkling proud city closes its ears
puts on blindfolds holds its breath
and descends to its maximum depth

in this version of America
my son and I eat with only the ticking
of the wind up clock
the stunning sense of Equinox
against our voices as we plan the hours
place cloth napkins on our laps
his sky sky blue
mine zinnia orange

Social distancing with Rosemarie’s book

Pig and farm report

this morning Page and I went to three different stores looking for toilet paper and flour and yeast there was one four roll pack of toilet paper left paper towels are gone and all the sanitary napkins and tampons gone too yes I get obsessive about having toilet paper sure people went without it in the good old days and had a lot of diseases too

there are no more trucks delivering to the island at least for now

the bread has been gone for a while I’ve had to give up panic baking because the flour is gone which I don’t understand because not many people around here bake their own bread I still have masa though plenty of it and corn tortillas are the easiest thing to make all the masa needs is warm water and a pinch of salt and a fire

I am so glad my son is here and being careful

I was going to write a poem today but after my gloomy shopping excursion and a good trip to the beach I came home and watched Mad Men and tried to numb my brain I can feel mania creeping in my bipolar 1 dark angel allowing anxious to settle hovering around all over the house all over and inside me crankiness and insomnia ramping up to go go go

tomorrow I want to take a picture of the madrona in which the pileated woodpecker has drilled tiny holes did you know that the woodpecker pecks small holes in trees and then waits for the tree to develop a wound and waits for the wound to soften and grow as larger and larger animals burrow into it then the woodpecker comes back to claim his food from the tree did you know that the surrounding trees feel the pain in these wounds?

there is so much to do here and so much space in which to do it and I am glad

this morning I drove past two children jumping on a trampoline and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen

Alice are you okay? Missing you hard.

Love,
Rebecca

Pig and farm report

this heron flew right past me this morning at the beach

corona 4.

my fortune reads YOU NEED SOLITUDE
my hair smells like wood smoke
I shiver and shiver collapse in on myself
a star a sad biscuit a white fox

this is a day like any other
the tortilla spoke in tongues
the onion revealed an oily Jesus
the neighbor flew her baby like a kite

what happens if I can’t go outside

          1. Disease of the blood
          2. Disease of the skin
          3. Disease of the eye
          4. Disease of the foot
          5. Disease of the tongue

I have business with alien forces

Oh Monte Christo can we skip the ballet
and sit on the sidewalk near Pike and 1st to watch the parade
the cars have bonnets the size of galleons
stand up straight

try the fried bread
try the pinkish gum
try the paradiddle
try not to puke on your shoes
try to be more tender

my entire state is out of toilet paper this is not hyperbole 

corona 3.

The goat traveled around the planet a round
Twinkle Twinkle Little Goat
an old French folk tune
how the goat traveled
one person at a time going sick in the lung
like playing kindergarten piano
or blowing out candles on a damp cake
my goat has not fled my body
very still until horns and hooves clatter away
I have water I can force my body for six hours
go from knock-knock-knocking at death
to cheerful and radiant
it's not that we heal
it’s that we are liars and fakes

Pig and farm report

the neighborhood gathered at the beach last night to watch the sun drop into Possession Sound we kept our distance in fact everyone but me stayed in their cars two cars with people my age one car with a couple of young people smoking weed no dogs no fires the largest group of people I have seen other than the stores which are contagion nightmares and the college aged kids who have formed a circle with their tents in the woods they have a sweet setup there and I am glad to see them every day I wave and they wave back I got two dozen eggs from Jack the Egg Man brown blue and pale green with some little banty eggs mixed in I think I’ll use some of them to bake challah today

yesterday my son thanked me for my panic baking for the first time ever







Beware the tides of March

corona 2.

Sunday wears a beaky mask
stuffed with sweet herbs and flowers
meant to hide the smell of sickness
my son has the first apocalypse dream
we drive to the beach at dusk
and talk about ghosts
until I cry but I keep the tears
inside my eyelids
I dream a conga line of men
in my yard dancing their way into the ocean
dropping one by one
I am ripe and my blood is high

corona 1.

pass me the screwdriver
even your snow is selfish and wrong headed
an unmanageable stain a kind of hoarding
I abandoned my clothes
break me
I’ll swallow whatever you put in my mouth
stage a fake suicide
guttural momentum
Rocco Peacock
clean boys and roasted hog
the jungle drapes its skin long and wet across my feet
a woman suckles a piglet
oh plague oh Mena

You know how when you’re supposed to have a thunder storm this afternoon and also tonight and you watch the big black thunderheads drifting by and everything feels tight in its skin about to bust right out if you don’t get some kind of sign from the sky and your head burns waiting and you want to eat hot curry to tamp the burn but you’re stuck in a tall building and the clouds keep piling up and there’s a feeling in the air the sky is ionized so good it could iron your white shirts in 3 seconds flat if only it would let loose so you start praying to whatever god is handy the god of Tuesday the god of Tuesday Weld the god of Narnia the god of bad art the god of unread books the god of your goddamn too small server the god of the broken printer the god of if only I didn’t have a boss the god of I wish I made enough money the god of bad cafeteria smells the god of loose change the god of one hour martinizing and of course Beethoven that the whole mess would just pop but it doesn’t it’s a balloon in your stomach and it’s full of helium it’s filling with helium and there’s a lot of space on account of you had one strawberry for breakfast but it’s filling quick but none of it does any good because the damned sky won’t open and everything and everyone is waiting?

I am reading Spaulding Gray's journals and while they are beautiful as he was beautiful they are difficult because his trajectory was so clear even as a young man when his mother had a "nervous breakdown" and killed herself I read a line this morning that he wrote when he was in San Francisco

I want to live out the rest of my years as this, wander, wander, wander but afraid to be alone

I am grateful that I have never been afraid to be alone that I can manage that part of life and have done so forever yesterday I was telling my son about my very first grown up apartment near the airport how much I loved living there walking to the nursing home to work getting a ride from Ted Bundy swimming in the aqua pool at night trying to enter the wrong apartment while drunk and now I am stuck in my own timeline

is anyone really clear on their timelines? The Johnny Cash Psychiatrist used to really push me on this but some things the bad things the bad years are hopelessly muddled in my brain as though my timelines are jellyfish tentacles that wave here then there pushed by the tide in one timeline I am in my own apartment and I have decorated it just so and I burn coconut incense in there and the apartment is full of plants that I tend and I want a cat but know I can't yet care for one and the people who live upstairs have become my friends and we visit all the time we play GO and take LSD and I fall in love with their huge dog and they have just given me a 1946 Buick Special my first car and I drive down First Avenue to downtown Seattle and get a tattoo way before girls I know before anyone I know except sailors are getting tattoos and in another timeline very close to the apartment timeline I live in a house near my apartment with the bad man and there are airplanes constantly overhead we are under the flight path of the airport and he finds out I fucked his brother and I have a miscarriage and the 12 year old boy in the house next door comes home from school one day knocks on my door asks to use my bathroom then goes home and blows his brains out with a rifle and I don't know how I get out of that timeline either except I end up in Coeur d'Alene with my brother and his friends and his friend's sister whose brother becomes my husband

then the jellyfish scoots off after that things are pretty clear

maybe

100% full

This is the Deck Splat Deersoap   moon


errata: Elizabeth correctly named this moon in my comments as “ The Giant Communion Our Dear Lord Jesus Christ's Body Moon“

I’m baking today my stress level off the charts even though physically I feel fine even though I landed on my side on my deck yesterday and my right shoulder feels achy and sharp coded for the first time ever in my life I smothered myself in Tiger Balm which still resides in almost any store and cleared off the top of one of my bookshelves moving the plants that winter there to the front porch I ate breakfast with Jupiter at my side lolling about in the sun on my brand spanking clean tablecloth because she is a cat who parks where she wants and I let her because it would be folly to believe she isn’t on the table when I leave I heard a story once on This American Life about an elderly woman whose garden and yard grew wild and there was a mouse problem the neighbors all met up and decided to help her but she didn’t want their help she just wanted them to leave I am becoming that woman except I have three cats who are fierce mousers especially Jupiter She Who Lolls on the Tablecloth

the corona virus is now in Stanwood the next town over the governor of Washington said today that we might have to quarantine ourselves something for which I’ve been practicing my entire life

Pig and farm report

this morning there was a blue cold sky with pink streaks in the east I walked out to the frozen deck in my plastic flip flops to film the two deer who were having breakfast at the buffet and my feet flew out from under me my iridescent wings are iced someone pried the identification numbers off my right shoulder and left hip and put a dent in my right knee with a forklift and a bird flew smack into my engine I made plans for overthrowing the empire but first I stopped at the bakery to tend my savage heart I shave bits of it away at a time so I can become the fearless giant robot I was meant to be except I wore a white blouse with black stripes and cheap gold rimmed buttons which looked good at the store and also looked good in my dark closet this morning but now I look like Satan’s candy striper there is something weird about March it’s not winter even though it is goddamn fog and goddamned ice all over my car and now all over my person I ache for a warm beach

Possession Sound the body of water upon which I float is full of fishermen not because it’s salmon season or crabbing season but because that’s what fishermen do when it gets weird a woman just came to my door to canvass for Bernie she was religious in her passion I countered by talking about my grief over Elizabeth Warren the woman at my door said she saw the Beethoven poster through my window and figured I’d be okay which I think means she figured I wouldn’t chase after her with a gun or plaster her with t stickers or answer the door in a red hat I guess those people don’t listen to Beethoven and I am okay though she talked for too long and I won’t answer the door again for five years at least but I saluted her as she walked away my gold buttons gleaming

Happy Birthday to my weirdo brother my twin-not-twin the stitcher of my secrets holder of my reins heel of my boot my dark star

Nest

Dear heart, it’s time. I’ve felt it for weeks,
and just this morning the barn swallows
returned to build their nest in the eaves,
flew 600 miles in a single day to find me
wading the reeds in Tadpole Pond.
Their split tails cut the air, orange throats
sucking up insects spring intended
for my garden. This is how we line
the nest; feather, horse hair, cotton.
This is how we catch with our mouths
in midair. This is how we return time
after time, voices cracking winter's
scab, voices humming, pitched
like warmed paraffin. I’m not afraid
to say it. I never wanted this great
distance, all those miles ringing out.
Darling, my desire sings from mudslide,
bees frozen in the comb, magnolia lifting
her stingy pink fingers to heaven. I am
the clubfoot colt, the crooked lamb,
the cleft and bloody whelp, the spoon-
full of mice stillborn in the kitchen drawer.
I am the buck-toothed girl who waits
at the fence, watching for spring’s
terrible thaw.

Pig and farm report

my eyebulbs are on fire and now a tree has got up my nose because it is spring in spite of everything so I am sneezing which means I am 100% DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! to the meat world so I sent my son with my card to fetch my library books for me and I will be sequestered (so much better than quarantined eww) until the tree climbs out of my nose my eyebulbs were on fire last night because I cried for an entire hour watching Elizabeth Warren with Rachel Maddow I just




can’t 

It is Friday and March and I read yesterday in like a lion and out like a lion eating another lion. I thought it was March a week before it was March and now that it’s March I’d like to meet my heroes and have dinner with them instead of being stupid and weepy. In March I am too dumb to light a match I am too dumb to decide which is greater Bach’s music or god’s orchids or the fabric of exotic cushions or the sky blue of a new coat or the curve of a cabriole leg or the scrape of my nails against my scalp. March brings decisions and change as I climb naked into spring’s well. This is my brother’s birth month and Bach’s and the composer’s. One hot summer I shaved my legs too quickly before going to his house I shaved deep on the outer bone of my left ankle and the bleeding stopped soon enough and then I was sitting at his table eating pieces of frozen mango wearing a white dress like the bride I wanted to be when my ankle started bleeding again profusely bleeding a votive flame in a ceramic bowl and the composer ran to the bathroom for bandages and he knelt and put my foot in his lap and he trembled as he touched my smooth leg and plastered me with adhesives and this moment is the one I remember this moment the bright budgie bouncing in its cage and sun careening into the yellow kitchen and I burst out laughing.

Pig and farm report

lawfull devastation

colt foal chick pup whelp kit cub hatchling poult fingerling tadpole whelp cygnet flapper spiderling snakelet neonate hatchling lamb lambkin cosset kitten larva pluteus urchin calf bunny kitten fawn puggle squab squeaker piglet shoat farrow peachick cub spat stote owlet fledgling pinkie wriggler tumbler nymph duckling cria ephyna toddler foal filly farroat shoat girl leveret billy kid larva froglet polliwog maggot fry duckling squab fawn codling hake sprag sprat cockrell chrysalis

I want to close my eyes and for true not be here even though I have to be here. I told her I would send her the book about Paris and I never did. I told her I sent the book but I never did nor did I ever intend to send it. I didn’t want her to have it or even know about it. She would have hated it would have hated reading about Adrienne Monnier and Janet Flanner and the photos of Gertrude all of it. She hates everything. I lie through my teeth every time I speak to her I turn off my phone in the middle of the conversation so she assumes I’m driving through a tunnel or my battery has gone dead one of the golden [cell] phone ways of stopping a conversation when I am finished with it. There are unpleasantries. My cheeks burn with it. My cheeks are so rosy I look like Heidi even though I can barely move even though it is swimming in mud with the bowfin Amia calva. All the women looked like clay those beautiful dresses and clay skin. Who are you? Your faces swim in and out of focus. All I have to do is wait it out.

Richard Avedon’s Beekeeper

I took ativan with water for my forward toppling battle today I will strike like a mongoose quick and sleek and awful it’s that or fall asleep someplace hidden I don't have a firm plan waiting for news waiting for summer  waiting for the wind to wind down shaking my house and perhaps under unsettling the momentum of my privacy my cats my son my pipes and the mud and maculate cave that serves as home for the cured and broken my hands weirdly ache like I was kneading bread in my sleep or scrubbing or pulling weeds go away pain little friend it is good to know your fire has finally gone out in me

Wolfie prepares to flee at the first sneeze

Okay I lied maybe she is ready to flee because I gave Jupiter and Hal and her flea medicine last night or maybe she’s just a strange cat who sat like that for an hour this morning for no apparent reason  Jupiter doesn’t seem to care about the medicine Hal is acting like I stabbed him even today he hasn’t forgiven me and refuses me with his whole heart

I have been gone for a long time from here it seems but I am recovering from being depressed for three months it’s weird I never used to have a recovery from depression period but here I am gingerly walking around my own damned disease cleaning what didn’t get cleaned watering what didn’t get watered mopping what didn’t get mopped etcetera I have taken care of my no shrink problem for the time being I went back to my old clinic and Dr. Jack agreed to okay me for a year’s worth of my psychiatric meds as I search for a new head doctor I really really liked New Nurse but I feel like she left me twisting in the wind as far as my care goes she was good at shrinking and bad at business and also


she hurt my feelings by disappearing 


I know how dumb that sounds but it’s true

I suppose y’all know Snohomish aka the next town over is where patient zero in the US popped up with the coronavirus I went to that town yesterday to buy Easter candy for myself and goddamn but Easter candy was the only thing left it was eerie and frightening here are the shelves that were literally empty

Toilet paper
Paper towels
Bottled water
Cleaning supplies
Peanut butter
Canned soup
Canned vegetables
Canned beans
Cake and brownie mix
Pancake mix
Cheese
Butter
Milk
Pasta
Hand sanitizer (but not strangely hand soap)

and that’s just the shelves I passed I didn’t make it through the whole store thank bog the Easter candy was still there I guess the run on toilet paper is because people think all of China is going to die and no more will be shipped ever? I can’t even imagine why the bottled water is gone we all have water and electricity people are weird and jumpy and I think the political noise is feeding into the panic now that everyone else is finally realizing that White House daddy is incapable of making a single leaderly type decision there has been no such run on groceries out here on the island and I suspect it’s because most of the people who live here believe that this brand spanking new pathogen is a democratic hoax

the white patriarchy marches on

I was so sad to watch the Super Tuesday numbers roll in realizing that Elizabeth Warren was getting left in the dust stupid fucking Americans will this country ever let a woman be powerful

yesterday I washed my hands and ate half a bag of Dove milk chocolate eggs and baked a giant ziti that I just parceled out for Page to take to his friends in the city let me know what’s happening in your city and keep your head down

Pax