Functioning as an adult and notes from a violin teacher and
her 6 year old student
I love W
W greeted me on the floor, writhing and whining Poor Smigel,
it burns, it burns, it burns us. My guess is he wasn't into having a lesson. I
don't blame him. It's hard work and it's like first getting into the pool when
you're standing on the damp concrete, shivering in your warm dry swim suit. You
dread that first plunge because it always feels cold, but once you're in the
water, it's heaven. W slithered up the entire flight of stairs, still moaning
and whining. The lesson proceeded normally after that, except at one point he
asked me to hold his violin and bow, then started madly scratching his legs.
This went on for a full minute and then I asked him if he was okay. He said today
is my itching day. I said What do you mean, your itching day? He said Mondays, Wednesdays
and Sundays are my itching days. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are B's
itching days. (B is W's best friend.) I said What's wrong with Friday and
Saturday? W patiently explained that those are not itching days. I told him I
didn't quite understand, so he picked up a pawn and a knight from the
chessboard that's always on the floor, moved them strategically and tried to
explain it to me that way. I still didn't get it but I respect his
determination to make me understand. After the lesson, W offered me a piece of
lemon candy called a Mega Warhead. It was so sour I think it took off
the lining of my mouth, but I didn't let on that I was in pain. As I was
leaving, W. said WAIT! and he ran into his room and came out with a small
rubber chicken. He held it up and said BACH! BACH! BACH! BACH!
*
I called my medical clinic this week and asked if they could
refer me to a psychiatrist they asked if I was okay but it was more like OH
DEAR JESUS OH MY GOD SECURITY!!! And I told them I was just
feeling a little bit manic because there was water in my house and there were men
in my house every day banging with actual hammers and the loud jet engine fans
in my closet and in the other bedroom running 24 hours a day and sometimes I
wonder what my electric bill is going to be because I am a functioning adult
and I always look closely at my electric bill and compare it to the previous
month and those fans running all the time running in my ears in my bones down
to my feet but especially bouncing around in my brain are going to be
expensive.
*
I love W
I was 15 minutes late to W's lesson tonight because of a
traffic snarl. He was a bit frantic when I got there, but I told him I would
cut the lesson short if he worked very, very hard. W said your hair is getting
whiter. I told him yes, yes it is. We didn't talk much after that. We were both
tired. We just played Bach, and watched his bow arm. Watching his bow arm
consists of me reaching over and stopping his bow when he gets to the tip,
which is when the bow strays out over the fingerboard. This usually makes him
giggle, but today it frustrated him. I kept doing it because if you practice
the violin wrong, you learn bad habits that can take a lifetime to undo, if
ever. Tissue memory, muscle memory, the body remembers. (This is not an
exaggeration. Bowing is the most difficult part of playing the violin and I
know accomplished musicians who have never learned it properly.) After our
lesson, W took me into his bedroom to show me his brand new bed. It's tall. W
said I want stairs to climb into it. The bed is covered with a beautiful quilt
with deep blue and bright yellow stars. It's the first time he's asked me to
come into his room, the first time he's invited me anywhere in the house except
the foyer and the room in which we practice. It felt like a gift.
*
The medical clinic told me that Washington does not refer Medicare
patients or anyone else to psychiatrists which is odd considering they have referred
me to a fancy pants dermatologist and gastroenterologist. Even though I am a
functioning adult I don’t have any kind of insurance except for Medicare and my
car because I am still only one or two rungs up on the functioning adult
ladder. In my not to distant past I never checked the previous month on the
electric bill because I was too poor to function as an adult I was a frightened
child all the time.
*
I love W
W: Do you want to hear my evil laugh? Me: After you play the
Bach. W and I discuss a lot of things during his violin lesson. We've talked
about poetry, painting, dance, sculpture, (his favorite story is me getting
thrown out of the museum for sticking my fingers in Balzac's eyeholes)
architecture, mathematics, history, science, running, swimming, and the ever looming
OUTSIDE (he’s terrified of the OUTSIDE.) We talk about insects, books,
composers, color, clouds, boats, snails and the fact that making a lanyard is
never going to really be a fun thing to do. Today, W had this note for me:
WRTING MAKES ME NRVS I had to agree. He then showed me how 2+2 = a fish, and
how 7+7+7+7 = a window. I'd show you, but you need a pencil and a piece of
paper. He told me that his friend D got kissed on the L by a girl. (L = lips.)
He also found a picture in one of his father's books, and he showed it to me
and told me it was Mr. Bach, when in fact it was Mary Queen of Scots, but I
told him I could see his point even though he was about 100 years off, and this
made me laugh so hard that W became slightly alarmed, and then he laughed so
hard that a big long piece of spit fell out of his bottom lip onto his violin.
I looked away and said I didn't see anything as he wiped it up. Our lesson was
pretty much over at that point.
*
You can see how much better I am mentally these days. I
actually live in a house purchased with money my dead horrible mother left me
in her will. I no longer have a slumlord knocking at my door telling me he’s
raising the rent again. I get a haircut at least twice a year. My clothes all
fit and I have a Vitamix. You can’t get more functioning adult than that. My
doctor called me after the alarming no I’m not crazy I just need a referral
phone call to my clinic and insisted I come in the next afternoon. I had to say
yes. I have a terrible fear of talking to regulation physicians about being
bipolar 1 and having CPTSD agoraphobia panic attacks and severe anxiety. Regulation
physicians really don’t get it and I have a secret feeling that they all want
to lock me up because when I’m nervous I have a real knack for talking fast
then stumbling over my tongue while doing so. My darling Johnny Cash
Psychiatrist wanted to lock me up “for a while just a little while” and I asked
him if I could write in there because I was working on Cadaver Dogs
and he said no nope no way I might stab a crayon into my eyeball so I told him
to fuck off. I think I scared him because I had a bad panic attack once in his
office. I believe my fear is or might be well founded. That one flew over the cuckoo’s
nest thing abides deep in my soul like Jesus and all his saints especially St.
Lucy who scooped her own damn eyeballs out perhaps with a crayon and on walked
around with them on a plate like they were Dilettante Chocolates. They were
probably lock her up too!
Side note: Dilettante Chocolates is a chocolatier that used
to be in Seattle and they are no more though my very soul longs for them. I
have never found a better piece of chocolate ever.
I took my adult son with me to the doctor as my ADVOCATE
because I learned from Elizabeth Aquino that if you ask for an ADVOCATE they
pay better attention to you. I also walked right past the ever present scale
and when the winged monkey nurse asked me to step up I said I won’t be doing
that today and sailed right into the doctor’s office. Please read Elizabeth
Aquino brilliant writing @elizabethaquino
Side note 2: Did you know that you all of you can skip the
scale at your doctor’s office if it makes you uncomfortable? They make me
uncomfortable because I was shamed for my weight for my entire childhood and
most of my adulthood. If you skip the scale the bloody weigh in because you
despise it or it terrifies you as it does me you won’t be arrested or anything.
Nothing will happen! I didn’t figure this out until I was 55 years old.
*
I love W
Today at W's lesson, I had him write a poem for J.S. Bach
whose birthday is tomorrow. Here it is.
Dear Mr. Bach,
Happy birthday.
Have a good B.day.
Why did you have 22 children?
Did you play piano?
You'd look good in a hot-pink wig,
but first try it on.
Why did you write so many minuets?
You'd also look good in a work suit.
I want to be famous like you.
Your friend,
J.S.W.
Later on during the same lesson:
Me: Okay, Feral Bunny, quit stalling.
W: What will happen if I don't?
Me: I'll get cranky.
W: Will you turn into a feral bear and eat everyone?
Me: No, I'm a vegetarian.
W: Then you'll only eat vegetarians?
*
When I got to the doctor’s office yesterday as a functioning
adult meaning both shoes on the correct feet and my teeth in and my hair combed
with my tall and muscular son who had a look on his face that said don’t fuck
with my mom a son who knows what manic looks like (I’m so sorry to say my darling
son I’m sorry I ever made you witness that) and who also knows exactly what
meds I take etc. a son who knows more about psychiatry that any of those clinic
yahoos. I mean he was fully prepared to be my ADVOCATE and you could tell the
way the winged monkey nurse kind of squeezed away from us that she knew we
meant business. I had to tell her everything about the water heater exploding
and the subsequent flood and the hammering and the men in the house and my CPTSD
getting massively triggered the whole goddamn drama as she typed squeezed away
in her corner and she typed it all which is kind of weird but my clinic has a
portal any patient can enter to read appointment notes and you know how I love
portals. I could hear my voice rattling out of my mouth as it does when I am
very nervous or when I am manic or approaching mania and I can’t make it stop.
Once my doctor came in he rearranged my meds giving me more Tegretol
(hilariously he was the one who made me take less Tegretol last year)
and a little more trazodone so I can sleep I hope. Tegretol is my bipolar
control drug. He told me that he doesn’t think the psychiatrist I am trying to
contact as a functioning adult accepts patients who aren’t “locked up” though when
I spoke to his nurse she told me he would be accepting new Medicare patients at
the end of November. My doctor told me to come back in two weeks to see how the
new meds are working but I told him we both knew that was not going to happen.
In the end I was not sent to any 1950s lock up places where they put crazy
people. I came right home and lay in my bed and listened to the goddamn fans in
my closet that sound like jet engines.
*
I love W.
Tonight W and I mostly talked. We were both tired and I was
late. He had forgotten all his music vocabulary words from previous weeks, but
quickly learned the subtle and difficult bow marking that looks like this //
that means a very slight lift of the bow, not even a real lift, more like a
breath, like your bow is taking a breath. He understood immediately what I was
saying and played it perfectly. As I was leaving, he reached down the back of
his pants and said I'M GIVING MYSELF A WEDGIE! I asked why, and he said Because
it feels good.
Well. There it is.
Thank you Darklings if you have read this far. You each get
a gold star sticker.