Friday, October 19, 2018

Pig and farm report

this morning I drove to the beach in deep deep fog where I saw three seal pups frolicking close to the docks one seal bobbing up and down the other two swimming in loopy strokes out in a V then back in close to the third a great blue heron stood motionless watching them and a kingfisher stood on the pilings I watched this magik until the heron decided the seal pups were interrupting her fishing and she flew off squawking which I have never in my livelong life heard before a terrible trumpet an ancient sound as she scolded the pups the kingfisher stayed in her place unperturbed her dry trill echoing out over the water

I came home then lit a fire and split my first acorn squash of the season rubbed olive oil and salt and pepper into its orange flesh and put it in the oven it will make four meals once I stuff the halves with mushrooms and onions and apple and sharp cheddar cheese and cranberries and brown rice plus fresh thyme and garlic chives that miraculously appeared in my herb garden after the last rain

I'm working on Tom's second interview question it has taken me way too long distracted as I was by my book which for now is blissfully out of my hands

this is a small report but I am sane and happy and once I finish Tom's question today I'm going to read a bit and fill up my already brimming well

I am thinking for the near future of writing a short story again I've written ten but I threw all but one away when I moved I love the form and I think it is more difficult than a novel

happy October Darklings may you have frogs and owls and warm blankets or working air conditioning wherever you are and all the orange food you need

Love


Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Pig and farm report

yesterday I drove to the flatbed truck that sits loaded with fresh picked corn next to the Skagit River this will be the last week for corn as the fields are mowed down to their blond nubs I bought eight ears of corn for a buck and on the way back I saw a young fox standing in one of those mown fields his ears pricked forward tail straight out quivering

this morning I made corn chowder and raked as many pine needles off the path as I could then raked the sugar maple leaves and covered my gardens with them gold wet blankets for winter

the light here is spectacular
I practiced Bach for hours this afternoon reclaiming my neglected soul
I am a musician again
I am


Sunday, October 14, 2018

2.

Incandescent joy then a galloping panicattackoutofnowhere with an Ativan chaser here at Summer’s End where the fun never stops

Miraculeux



yesterday I finished Queer Wing-ed

this morning I printed it and read it all the way through and honestly I was stunned by how it moved me how good it was how much of my life to took to write 30,491 words 151 pages the thousands and thousands of miles I traveled from Seattle to Chicago from Seattle to New Hampshire from Seattle to Vermont from Vermont to New York then from Seattle to New York again and back all those miles all those words all those years nine years this summer

at 1:04 this afternoon I sent it to my publisher of choice
then I ate a celebration bagel

I want desire need a bigger celebration but for right now I'm enjoying the echo emptiness of my once haunted brain for right now I'm rolling across that wide open prairie in my head like a dog in mud for right now I am full of thanks for all of you for taking this weird journey with me thank you
thank you
thank you

and you and you and you

Thursday, October 11, 2018

for Alice


A gray bodied fawn on the forest verge

Pipes lifted the house hovered and bucked above the hemlock the sugar maple irrational waterways sogged rust ritual sick I put fail in my mouth sucked the pit and fell a bigger Alice than the story a bigger Alice whose ghost flew out my mouth strawberries quivered sick mildew in the enamel sink the smell fucked my undertongue for a day the way I tore hospital gave over to shit sponge in the cew wet carpet exaggerated sky I ativaned its red heart stroked the smoke stink this is not the Idaho that leaked inside of me this is not my body at the edge calling out little bear little bear

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Hi.


I knew the entire world was dangerous when I was four years old
I knew dangerous men were in control of everything when I was nine years old
I knew the planet was one giant drunken frat house when I was thirteen years old and that has not changed 

I am mostly quiet right now and sane waiting for my oatmeal to cook waiting for the courage I need to open my pc and finish up my mess ie my mss

it smells amazing here on the island
I got a flu shot yesterday

I have nothing to write just checking in with my own head hi hello Darklings and love

Friday, October 5, 2018

ps.

what I really wanted to write below is that these rituals the ritual of oats the ritual of fire the ritual of garden the ritual of the Animal Gods are the things that mean contentment to me when I am level when I am not having an [episode :: I loathe that word] when I am neither depressed nor manic nor rapid cycling because when I am sick the rituals fall apart they are swept up in a storm of terrible strength and rapid destruction
I lose sight I lose everything
each time

and so oatmeal and cats and weeds and owls and apples have become church
they buoy me






Pig and farm report

the Queen is in and she's judging Amerika harshly

























in other news it is raining hard end of the world rain I was going to go to the bait & tackle for some yogurt and bread but I have oats and figs (yes figs!!!) and road eggs and soup that I made last winter and yeast and flour and sugar and butter and I can make my own damn bread so today I am not going any damn where

now that the temps are in the 30s in the morning I have a very small ritual

I get up at 6 AM put 3/4 cup of water into my wee 1&1/2 quart crock pot (I believe it is the world's smallest crock pot one of the originals) along with 1 cut up apple a few sultanas a pinch of salt some cinnamon and 1/4 cup of Irish steel cut oats then I plug the ancient little thing in and go back to bed to read until 8 AM and then I get back up eat the oatmeal with brown sugar and a splash of milk and watch Leave it to Beaver on one of the ghost channels

I believe I will stick to this ritual throughout winter

I have the fire going but have yet to turn on the heat
this morning I woke with a kitten under each armpit and Jupiter purring away on my chest her cat machine running like the exquisite engine it is I was a Jesus Animal crucified on my own bed with claws heat and the softest fur imaginable

I am happy
I am writing
I am freaked out

this isn't much of a report
I have no idea what I was going to write when I first started this blog post

hello Darklings
it is October

the owl is still in my tree

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Pig and farm report

yesterday morning I walked down the hall toward my bedroom and noticed my floor was damp my beauty deep blue new carpet wet wet danger once I got to my bedroom I noticed it was even wetter by the bathroom and I saw water droplets on the tiles there and I dropped to my knees in a panic feeling the very wet carpet there panic panic panic patting the rug feeling the water I knew the pipes under the house had collapsed I knew the ceiling in the bathroom was leaking the roof had caved in I knew the water heater had busted and flowed from my closet into the rest of the house I knew the washing machine had given up the ghost and walked full of water down my hall into my bedroom leaking its guts

it turns out that Wolfie had fallen in the full tub and she shot out of there down the hall then back to hide and dry herself under my bed

it turns out that my closet which houses the water heater was perfectly dry

it turns out that my son was in his room and then he found me on the floor patting the rug crying in a panic

it turns out everything was okay

this is what PTSD looks like

*

after that I invented a recipe for carameled apple cinnamon rolls with cream cheese and vanilla and cointreau frosting which turned out to be OH MY GOD delicious though next time I'll only use half as much sugar on the dough before I roll it up here is what they looked like before their second rise


and here is how they looked right after I put the frosting on before it melted down into the rolls

while I was making them I cut my thumb deeply on a brand new paring knife which I bought specifically for apple season and now I need to figure out how I made them retrace my steps and write down the recipe because they were amazing

*

last night I walked outside for a minute and there was the owl in the foliage under an ancient tree in front of my house he looked at me and I stopped breathing then he looked around then down as if he were about to kill something helpless then he looked back at me and then flew up and over my head so close I felt him in my hair it is the same owl oh god do I have an owl friend now oh god a forest gift

I have been depressed for a while but this morning I was able to read some poetry and in other poetry news I had a poem accepted for a magazine it will be the last poem the zine ever publishes as they can no longer afford to keep afloat

it was 37 degrees when I woke this morning
nothing was wrong with my beautiful house
I had the first oatmeal of the season with rich gold sultanas and brown sugar

Hello Darklings from the magik forest and love


Saturday, September 29, 2018

Sometimes when we feel like we’re opening up we’re actually falling apart.
Kidding, Showtime

Pig and farm report

last night I dreamed I was in a hot air balloon and I smelled something acrid burning and I realized I was holding a pen aloft and its tip was on fire

the night before I dreamed I was being prepared for death first I was washed with a soft sponge but no hands were touching me then I was dressed in soft green silk pajamas with a sheer silk caftan of the same material and color over my son sat behind me in a row boat and I was not afraid

other than theses two miracle dreams I’ve been full of rage and monsters from my past like most every other woman and feeling person in Terrible America right now

Peace

Monday, September 24, 2018

#National Punctuation Day

I read that on Twitter this morning and laughed and snorted

Also puncture punctured and punctures all showed up as spelling suggestions before punctuation which is alarming and really who among us is not alarmed these days all the time every moment

Good morning Darklings I woke at 2:30 this morning and could not get back to sleep so I lit the fire ate an apple made a pot of strong tea and started watching a new show on Netflix called Maniac then I stopped watching after thinking about the etymology of the word maniac which of course is mania

From French maniaque, from Late Latin maniacus, from Ancient Greek μανιακός (maniakós), adjectival form of μανία (manía, “madness”)

So it goes

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Also this


it was a true relief to hear from the court system when I told my son about it he said hey you beat the system which is 100% untrue I have done jury duty many times in the past and served on two different cases this is because I am insane not because I am trying to beat anything except perhaps my son

I'M KIDDING PEOPLE ALSO HE'S 6'5" AND EXTREMELY FAST AND STRONG


reading this gave me two immediate feels
1. relief
2. sadness because this is a document that proves just how entirely insane I am I had the same feeling when my SSDI was approved today yes I know I'm insane and I'm okay with it but I think I hide it pretty much when I have too which is a false belief and probably typing this goes further to prove I'm insane rather than telling myself I am only partially insane the comforting lie

Pig and farm report Equinox


yesterday morning I stood out in the front yard looking at St. Francis who moved himself from the deck to a new spot where he can watch the rest of the Animal Gods who visit Summer's End and the owl in the photo above flew right over my head toward the roof and my heart was still busting right out of its red cage when it flew back over my head and landed in that tree where it watched me for a good five minutes this is not to say that St. Francis moved himself my son did that also this is a True Visitation and a harbinger of autumn which has been here on the island for at least two weeks

this week I planted 120 tulip bulbs in two of my raised garden beds I am still picking tomatoes and I am not yet sick of the fruit itself every morning I eat an apple or two from the boxes in the pantry which makes me think of David Foster Wallace's mother who described apples as the broom of the system 

I am writing this morning because I am in the middle of a wind storm with rain and oddly warm temperatures and my power has been flickering on and off all night and right now I have it I'm warming up soup and have the fire going I am used to this dance it's almost always because of trees whose root balls have dried during the summer who decide to topple onto power lines

I'm growing out my bangs which is not news but is a pain I am only growing them out because I can't afford a haircut quite yet because October is the month I pay taxes on the house this morning I put hair spray on them to keep them out of my left eye which has PINK EYE from allergies don't panic it isn't the catchy kind and I promise you won't get it from me but it makes me feel hideous and craven and I have taken to wearing my sunglasses when I go shopping which ends with me putting unknown items in my shopping cart because the prescription on the lenses needs to be stronger I also found a ribbon in my junk drawer and have tied it into my unruly hair and it made me remember how much I love ribbons I always have and it made me remember one of my last days at My Ex Glamorous Job when my work wife Tina-bo-dina asked me to put her hair in a tie and I did it too loosely and she said you can tell you never had a daughter which inexplicably or perhaps explicably made me feel intensely sad

I have wisely given up the weird joy of having everything in the house brand brand new as the feral kittens pay no attention to my efforts to get them to stop running over everything including the soft gray sofa the kitchen table and my head

this might be the most boringest blog post ever but all is right in my world

Barbara I owe you mail thank you for all the Animal Gods you have sent

Dear Darklings I hope you are feeling joy this autumn first it is a day of known magik

go outside

Love

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Young corn































































Friday, September 14, 2018

Pig and farm report

today two associates from my innerlube factory showed up to put two signal boosters in my house they were here for about a half hour and I did not get paranoid I did not cry I did not think they were going to kill me and I did not die inside that half hour which lasted about fifteen days as I sat frozen on the sofa and the cats howled like wolves as they were sequestered in the bathroom

I did however take an Ativan

then I went out during a rain lull and picked all these beauties which look like almost pico de gallo + a small salsa verde (I still need limes and cilantro) I have only been able to grow nine tomatillos this year so far the yellow and purple are the sweetest the peppers are growing everywhere that there is a jalapeño and a serrano they are big whores and commingle right out in the yard where everyone can see the jalapeño will go in the pico and the serrano will go in the tiny salsa verde

good bog the tomatoes I eat at least one a day usually squooshed between two pieces of bread slathered in mayonnaise sometimes cut up and tossed in scrambled road eggs sometimes in a quick marinara and the poor cherry tomatoes haven't even come close to the house as the deer and my son and I eat them right off the vine like candy I doubt any of my tomatoes will get canned or frozen this year


then I finished my first interview question with Tom which felt good and right I have never enjoyed doing an interview with anyone else and then my brain turned back on pretty much as close to normal today as it will ever be


Love




Dear Universe,

I want to give a poetry reading The Sea Glass Carousel in NY because it is one of those places of deep deep magic in America I want the reading to be inside in the carousel reading in the glass oh can you can you imagine?




Pig and farm report

There's a point between what you want people to know about you and what you can't help people knowing about you.
Diane Arbus


I am almost back among the living I am at least no longer manic no longer rapid cycling and I think the depression has left but it's hard to tell because the Seroquel still resides in my blood a smirk demon that gives no fucks for my well being I took more this round that I have ever taken before in my life

I called DOGNURSE and emailed her my jury summons and told her I needed a doctor's note also spoke to the court DOGNURSE said she faxed them her note but I will call the court again and make sure because I honesty do not trust DOGNURSE to do this correctly this is not paranoia it's just covering my bases the penalty for not showing up for jury duty is $100 per day or 3 days in jail so yes I could go to jail if I don't make sure all my crazy ducklings are in a row

my son appeared with two giant boxes of apples from his orchard that are now in my pantry the galas are new to his land and they are delicious and the difference between fresh apples and apples that have been frozen for a year and then thawed (also known as all the other apples) is stunning I made an apple pie yesterday using the last of the applesauce I made last year to beef up the pie filling and the golden delicious which are perfect for baking and I'll make applesauce in December when I get to the middle of the boxes

I started a new interview with Tom Beckett this morning and that is diving in deep waters because my brain hasn't fully recovered but I'm a day late and typing here is connecting with you but also avoidance

I'm waiting to hear back from my editor on Queer Wing-ed trying not to be anxious about it

rain is back and it's time to plant my tulip bulbs but the temps have suddenly dropped and I'm in no mood to sit in the mud at least not today maybe tomorrow though I have until December but I might not since the weather has changed so drastically we don't have temperate autumns here anymore and it might freeze early like it did last year

this photo doesn't do justice to how big these boxes of apples are but they sure are pretty


I'll be back as soon as my brain turns itself on I apologize for the wooden stilted writing here

Love

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Pig and farm report

Day 2

the Seroquel Death Pill did not work last night it still took me hours to get to sleep and I woke up and immediately drank 12 cups of coffee then mopped my kitchen floor then changed my sheets again then did two loads of laundry then danced but my dancing felt haunted not joyful and last night I drove to the store where I spent an insane $80 on absolutely nothing then almost hit a car as I attempted to drive out of the parking lot

my son has been driving me almost everywhere but he doesn't understand why even though I've tried to tell him and he won't be here until tomorrow

later yesterday afternoon I got a jury summons from Island County in the mail which means I'd have to drive an hour get on a ferry pay for said ferry then drive to the courthouse on Whidbey Island get there by 8 AM wait for 8 hours then drive home in the dark and that sent me spinning then I called my son and whined about it then I fretted

I ended up calling DOGNURSE to tell her I needed a note excusing me from jury duty because I can't drive myself I never know if I will be up or down or inside out and the thought of it terrifies me and now I'll have to speak to her on the telephone which is ugh then she'll want to see me for herself to judge my crazy and probably try to get me on her scales again ugh ugh ugh I also confessed my mixed features episode to her because they are rare and shrinks get really excited when they see it much like physicians seeing conjoined twins

my house is really clean though the floor sparkles the counters are crumb free the sheets are cotton clean and I am running in circles inside myself

Seroquel is an anti-psychotic

anti-psychotic
anti-psychotic
anti-psychotic

that's going to look so grand on my resume haha

according to WebMd if you're interested

What Are the Symptoms of a Mixed Features Episode?

Mixed episodes are defined by symptoms of mania and depression that occur at the same time or in rapid sequence without recovery in between..
  • Mania with mixed features usually involves irritability, high energy, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.
yep this too especially all of it
  • Depression during episodes with  mixed features  involves the same symptoms as in  "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.
no feelings of suicide but the rest of it yes

so

back on the Zombie Seroquel anti-psychotic tonight thinking I might have to take one sooner maybe even two a day for a while in the past it has knocked me out with one dose this round is a bugger

dear Darklings

I am so glad you are here

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Pig and farm report

this is a placeholder in case I lose my place

yesterday I woke up with a cotton stuffed head signaling depression it lasted all day then I went outside during a big rain storm the first of the season and dug up the rest of my potatoes

this morning when I woke the depression was gone and my left shoulder blade ached up and down its meridian

then I ate two breakfasts which were only one breakfast but I'm not much of a breakfast eater unless it's for dinner

now I'm preparing to bake an olive oil and orange cake

this might seem simple but the truth is that I'm rapid cycling which is the joy of depression and mania hitting me at the same time

the truth is that I'm writing it here so I remember so I can track so I know how long it lasts so next time I can remind myself

the truth is that it's awful and terrifying not one thing not the other a roller coaster ride fuckery

I will take the dreaded zombie Seroquel tonight then sleep the sleep of the living dead and hopefully knock it out of myself in a day or two

the truth is typing this made me cry

see? see? proof

I'll see you on the other side

crazytown

xo






Wednesday, September 5, 2018

One delicious package




Monday, September 3, 2018

Finished

I finished Queer Wing-ed tonight and I printed up a hard copy to send to my editor tomorrow

that only took ten years twelve if you count the two years I worried over Darger after first seeing his paintings at the Frye Art Museum in Seattle

But finished

















now what?

I suddenly feel wildly untethered

Love
I finished editing the book today which is a huge relief now I'm putting together my acknowledgements and thank yous the hardest part is remembering everyone spelling your names correctly then putting them in alphabetical order then I have to find all the places my poems were published but that's easy since I keep a clean spreadsheet on where I've sent just about everything ever then the title page then the dedication then it's off to my editor both a paper version and Word document and then I will pace around until she's had her way with it then out to the publisher one or three or five but I will finally be free to write something new to breathe creative life into someone something other than Henry Darger

Happy Labor Day Darklings

Love
Rebecca
Union and Proud for 40 years and the eight years I worked without a union (my last eight with the company) was the only time I got laid off

xo

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Jupiter and Wolf


Pig and farm report

last night I dreamed I was sitting in the middle of my garden reaching into thick loamy soil pulling out potato after potato after potato each potato more gorgeous than the next

this morning I went out and dug up potatoes each more gorgeous than the next

I'll dig the rest of the potatoes once the big rain starts but for now they can stay in bed and in November I'll plant tulip bulbs in that bed to give the soil a chance to regenerate its goodness

after that I paid my first of the month bills and cleaned out my little accordion file box keeping three months of each bill and discarding the old bills

this might not seem like a big deal to you but if you've ever been mentally or lived with a mentally ill person or had a manic episode that lasted for five years straight you might recognize this for the miracle it actually is

my life is larger and smaller than it's ever been

Amen to Henry finally releasing me enough to come back here

I have missed you all so much




Monday, August 27, 2018

Pig and farm report

I am rewarding myself a bit of time here to say hello after a hard morning of killing my darlings to misquote Faulkner I have cleaned up my mss and cut the first section from 38 to 33 pages and every one of those pages (I first typed plagues!) contained writing that I love but I am now asking does it move my thesis forward does it move the story in any direction and is it necessary

I have changed my deadline to get it to my editor the first of September instead of the middle to the end of September

all that's left now really are the front and back

I'm pretty much done

it is clean autumn here on the island now that the smoke has cleared literal smoke from Canada and Oregon and California the air quality has been so poor that I haven't hazarded outside and have been coughing and feeling stopped and ragged in the mornings I work then I go to the beach then I read I cleaned my garden of tomatoes last week and they're still coming yesterday I stopped to pick up some road eggs at my favorite road egg spot and met the man who owns those chickens his name is Jack and not only did I take all three cartons of eggs and a bucket of plums I got to meet his goat Fred and his five sheep one named Dorothy I fed them bits of torn up hot dog buns Jack said do you mind a little bit of goat spit on your hands I told him absolutely not my heart banged in my chest to meet these beige beauties I have admired his Animal Gods from afar and he was pleased to hear it I got a tour around his property right and good as he looked at my legs in my turquoise dress and talked and talked and talked Jack is an elder hippie as I am a collector of wagon wheels and old teapots out of which he makes art he also has an orchard and a huge garden before I left he ran in his house then ran out again and gave me his phone number on a piece of paper and told me to call him if I ever want eggs

which I just might do

here is what my garden gave me  this week
























here is the blackberry star pie I baked a couple days ago






















and here is Prince Hal after I returned from the pot store he was quite excited
























that's it for now Darklings I have a frittata cooling on the counter and then I'm going to mop the kitchen

thank you for your patience while we are undergoing construction






Love,
Rebecca

Friday, August 10, 2018

Dear Darklings,

I miss writing here but it interferes with my work now my terrible breathless amazing race to the finish line I have hired an editor to do some fine tuning on my mss working almost every day (yesterday I dug potatoes out of the ground and picked some tomatoes then sat in the bath tub and cried for an hour then ate half a brick of cheddar cheese) when I am not working here at my desk or digging in the dirt or rolling around with the feral kittens I am embroidering I have gone back to the Black Milk project I started a few years ago I have one new piece and one half piece the embroidery keeps my hands going while my brain stays lodged in finishing Queer Wing-ed I will be back in September soon soon I'm posting parts of my mss that I have left out of the finished copy pieces I love but that don't fit for one reason or another it's all I can talk about now it's been all I have been talking about for almost ten years

Love


Black Milk 3
pink embroidery floss, yarn, cocktail napkin, blood 




Thursday, August 2, 2018

Dear Darklings,

I will return soon I owe your delicious comments answers today I am taking advantage of cool temps and light rain to work work hard toward my September deadline but for now have a peek at this fantastic sock monkey lady that Mary Moon made with her own hands can you even believe it I have wanted one my entire life always wanted one what a gift


Tuesday, July 31, 2018

65



Saturday, July 28, 2018

Hello from The Big Fog

Dear Darklings,

I am writing to you from the Oregon coast deep at the ocean’s heart on the edge of wild in a month of Julys drinking hotel coffee in a fluffy robe listening to the ebb bubble and flow of waves I have not been away only sunk into my work into my book for the entire month dancing with completion full of joy there is so much I want to tell you and I will soon I promise but two things now before I rassel me  up some breakfast

Happy Birthday to Mary Moon who is a beacon in my pinched little persimmon of a heart we spoke on the telephone this morning and it was so easy I felt I had known her my whole life and I have I am sorry my connection kept cutting out Mary it is iffy here always but you are not

I met Scott and Yolie they came to Summer’s End oh oh oh Scott’s eyes shoot out beams of light he is amazing sees everything and I could not keep a secret from him not ever and Yolie made me feel shy and loved and beautiful these people their energy is remarkable they were my second visitors ever I played my violin for them but completely flubbed it because I took an Ativan before they arrived because I am not accustomed to human interaction and for that I am a little bit embarrassed but I did not feel judged by them not for one hot second and I am forever changed by our meeting

Love for now tomorrow is my birthday and I aim to play in the sand and eat ice cream

XOR


Tuesday, July 3, 2018

therefore I will not write that today on the hottest day of the year I stood barefoot in a black and yellow daisy printed dress in my kitchen and ate a half pint of hand-dipped butter pecan ice cream shot through with thick caramel ribbons

Pig and farm report


this is going to be quick because I have just swung out of a month long depression that ate up most of June but there is my July table laden with apples cherries figs (!!!) strawberries road eggs peaches and my aloe vera the tea towels are on the chairs to protect their varnish from kitten-to-cat claw and scratch marks Hal and Wolfie are now too big to hold with one hand they are almost at three months in fact they may be a couple days over three months Hal is a talker like Jupiter he has a delicious purr-mert-meow that is amazing Wolfie is smarter faster and still somewhat shy of course she is smarter as she is the female that's just how it is the garden is growing luscious because of one solid week of rain the book work continues apace I had to drive to downtown Seattle to see DOGNURSE last week and to my everlasting horror she asked me how much weight I had lost what my exact weight was and tried to get me to step on her scale which appeared out of nowhere in her office this appalling bit of nonsense harkens back to my terrible mother whose obsession with my body continued until my last conversation with her DOGNURSE has also in the past called me hey skinny and even that worried me she is NOT my general physician has never been and my eating disorder(s) have been evident out there for the world to see etc since the beginning why now that I am healthy is she prying so much it is awful and invasive and it tipped me upside down and punched the breath out of me I gave her a fake number for my weight and she wrote it in her notebook WHAT THE FUCK just seriously I am still overweight it's not like I have anorexia I told her firmly that I don't weigh myself that my physician does it I am seriously still staggered by this and I need to find a new psychiatrist immediately and cut her loose with no explanation I have been cautious about this since I met Mustafa who told me I would outgrow my bipolar disease and refused to give me my meds still I can't take any more of her bullshit

in other news yesterday was the first lifting of this heavy depression and I sat outside in the sun or inside with the kittens or outside in the sun reading Lauren Groff's Florida straight through the way I tend to read in summer especially in July a great book of short stories a Florida I recognize from Mary Moon's writing recommended! and in between my reading I baked two baguettes drove to the beach and watered the garden

hello Darklings!
I have missed you all

here is a mess of kittens a pile of cats a soft intelligent heap of warm goodness


Saturday, June 23, 2018

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm so glad you get to rest under the mountain! It has been spectacular here weather wise though it's ten degrees cooler here on the island than it is in the city. Still my arms and legs are already tanned and I  am a pasty pasty girl.

Love
Rebecca
Dear Joanne,

Happy Summer my friend. It's almost July which means my birthday month is almost here and of course the entire month is mine. I am a summer person through and through. And a Leo. Last night I kissed all three of the kittens and whispered your name in their ears so they know you now. They are Leos too naturally. This morning Prince Hal discovered that he can jump as high as the kitchen counter where he ate Jupiter's one allotted teaspoon of wet food. She retaliated by running in here and eating several gobbles of Prince Hal's dry kitty food. Hal has huge long back feet. He's going to be tall and lanky. Wolf's face is soft and white and in certain light she looks like one of the gray aliens with her huge glowing eyes. She will be the one to probe us

Love
Rebecca

Friday, June 22, 2018

WhoTF Lives Like This?

Go listen to the amazing new podcast by Elizabeth Aquino and Jason Lehmbeck I just listened through and I'm stunned.
Dear Elizabeth,

Oh god I’m so sorry to hear about your pup awful and added grief to the grief we are forced to live with daily. Thank you for writing what you did about this mss or mess. It took me a long time to figure out how I wanted to present it in full but once I started working with Shanna Compton and Elisabeth Workman in the Slack platform getting encouragement from them hearing yes! I want to read more! from them it finally coalesced. And I haven’t even shown them the poems yet the part of the mess I feel secure about. I have set September as a deadline for myself which is completely doable since everything is already written. I just have to puzzle it together. I think of you every day every day and read your blog constantly. I will figure out this blog fuckery soon but right now I’m too deep into QW to be able to concentrate on it.

Love to you all I’ll wave at Whidbey for you from my beach today
Rebecca

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Barbara,
It is a miracle to me the way Jupiter has taken these feral beasties under her elegant care she baths them and plays with them and watches when they are being goofy with their wee needle claws. I have been barreling in with two women writers I trust and admire so finally there are other eyebulbs on my mss not all of it but the parts I need to flesh out heaven

Love
Hope you are well
💗 
Rosemarie, you darling one, were the one who sparked me into valuing my research enough to include it in this manuscript also meeting you was such a gift your support and strength and realness.
Love
Rebecca

ps. I gave you two of my allotted ten commas in my lifetime.
Joanne,

I’m making Rice Crispy Treats for LUNCH and they won’t have time to cool in the pan also doubling the recipe

Love
Rebecca
❤️ 
stress eating for two
maybe three
I just had third breakfast
I can’t wait for elevenses 
Mary, absolutely he was I asked him! her name is Crystal
you have inspired me to sew again starting with embroidery I have been so busy with everything but I envy your fabrics and the beautiful dresses you create

and the sock monkeys!

I have wanted a sock monkeys my life entire

love (and solid hugs)

rebecca

Solstice

good morning from the blacktail forest Darklings it is Solstice and the world is in crisis I have such a strong feeling that something is going to break soon break wide open that change is roiling down the pike at a rapid speed good change positive change I have been working on my hybrid manuscript hard down lately I have divided Queer Wing-ed into three parts the first part is my research and notes about how I entered this how I managed about losing my job and working through that the second second section is letters I wrote to Henry Darger for the past nine years I never posted them here they were a way for me to attempt seeing all sides a 360 view and the last section are the poems I have been in the garden I have been outside I have been reading I have been relaxing on the deck just thinking about my work I have to take a psychic time out today reading perhaps embroidering quiet inside and out it is cloudy for the first time in weeks it seems the kittens are already growing so fast but kittens still Jupiter is the best mother cat I've ever seen may your soul and your heart find peace today here is a picture of my beloved son I think you'll be able to spot him

love


Thursday, June 14, 2018


Dear Darklings,

I am going to take back bloggity in my own way which means I am going to answer your comments right here an inverse advice column if you will which means no advice at all I am tired of all the blogfuckery here are some deer for you to look at while I get coffee good morning ha the only things that M$ taught me were that there is always a workaround and credit cards can fuck you up for years

happy summer!
almost

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

fuckitall but I still cannot post on any blogs not even my own not on my mac or my pc dammit all to fucking hell I tried all three posting options including the dreaded anon but no joy I'm going to have to go in and figure out why new booger wants me to fail good morning and hello from the forest where it's been summer for days the beans and peas are amazing the strawberries are full tiny and incredibly sweet and cats run over me if I stand still for more than a minute going to town love

Wolfie


Saturday, June 9, 2018

it is amazing to watch Jupiter with the kittens
she lolls about the outer outer room with me and when the kittens wake up she walks up to them sniffs their behinds so she knows who is who then puts her giant front leg around their necks and starts bathing them oh god

I have not been able to take a photo of it if I move the kits startle but oh god seriously it is adorable

I wrote for an hour this morning but not on Queer Wing-ed I'm still going to reward myself by binge-watching Patrick Melrose here in an hour I am almost finished reading the fourth novel it by far surpasses the first three the growth in Edward St Aubyn's writing by Mother's Milk is remarkable I didn't recognize it the first time I read the novels probably because I was still learning (am still learning will always be learning) to be a writer

I have one half flat of strawberries left

xo


Pig and farm report

I'm not able to post comments to my blog or to anyone elses' blogs not even on my mac as of today this is frustrating as hell as I can't pinpoint the culprit though I suspect it's Krapersky which I just updated on both my computers which is expensive I'm not even sure I can post here at this moment I hope so we had a delicious storm this morning and now it is sunny and raining both the owls sang along the forest for hours  and one swooped right by my window the second I've seen up close this week I stayed in bed reading and playing with all three of the kittens yesterday I worked on Queer Wing-ed (editing) for an hour and then thought I had lost thirty poems because I couldn't find them on the private blog where I posted them but it turns out I stopped posting there in 2015 today I will go in with the hard copy poems and order them that way it makes me nostalgic for the long ago days when I had a beloved typewriter that never required any more attention than changing the ribbon and an electrical outlet and before that just the ribbon but not really

yesterday I went to the farmers market and bought myself some peonies because I refuse to pick my own the peonies are pink and white and fragrant I also bought a flat and a half of strawberries some spring onions and a small piece of fresh farmer's cheese from a farm in Mount Vernon today I am going to write for an hour and later I will make strawberry jam

I wish I could tell you how it is inside here where the sun and rain make the air velvet where the softest imaginable kitty curls into a fist on my chest and calms my breathing where Jupiter rules the moon and teaches her babies how to hunt and cover their food bowls with whatever is handy where my son is freshly in love so much so that he can't think of anything else I wish I could describe my happy and my well being

I am sending out waves of good fortune and love to you Darklings I hope you hear me though electricity wages its tiny stinging war against my finger and Beethoven speckles the light


Friday, June 8, 2018

I can't tell if it's blogger or windows or my pc or kaspersky that makes it now impossible to post comments to my own gd blog I can do it fine on my mac which also has kaspersky freshly renewed and I would have gone elsewhere if there were elsewhere to go the fact that I can post on my mac makes me suspect windows and I am so sick of it and I refuse to install windows on my mac a machine that runs without hiccups but grrr grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Mary Moon writes eloquently and beautifully about Anthony Bourdain here

Pig and farm report

Dear Darklings it feels like I have been gone forever but I am deep in the pudding editing again Queer Wing-ed this time with the help of Prolifiko which is a great program and is free for the time being in beta superb especially if you have a big writing project going it works on a system of setting goals then breaking the goals into smaller steps then rewarding yourself for completing the steps (this is exactly how I teach violin lessons to children and why I never figured it out for myself is beyond me) and with that program and my small writing group yesterday I reached the halfway point I am not editing the poems themselves but cleaning up superscript circles and right angle arrows and making sure all my lines end in pilcrows weird stuff that if left can make editors hate me or so I imagine I have the original folder of poems which was once chronological which is how I intended the mss to read but when I updated my computer to Windows 10 the poems showed up in Word in alphabetical order GAHHHHHHHHH! so I am beginning a new manuscript and using my Queer Wing-ed blog to catch the proper order Prolifiko helps to manage all this and the founders are supportive and make me feel like I'm an actual person not just a number once they go public I will certainly sign on but enough about all that I have had to turn the sound off all my devices to get through this editing process as I am Pavlov's salivating dog when it comes to beeps and whistles except I'm listening to podcasts and books on cd as I go because it's all right brain stuff my small writing group are my cheerleaders it has been so long since I've had a writing community I am smitten

in other news the kittens are no longer feral they are in the world (house) at large now and have had their second round of vaccinations I spend a lot of time tumbling around with them and Jupiter is being a superb mother cat to them I knew she would be she now sings her rare song to find them in the morning and she gives them baths and is teaching them to hunt most recently moths outside through the window

this morning I woke to the news about Anthony Bourdain and I knew I had to shut away from Twitter today there is a storm coming up I can feel and hear it though the weather report just calls for wind nevertheless trout I have opened my windows to let the storm praise come in I have lit a candle for Anthony I have made a pot of coffee and it is time to go back into it

I no longer receive emails when one of you comments nor can I enter my blog through the home page blogger is aware of the email problem but I don't know about the other every system I work in has tightened its security measures on account of the massive FB FU that's it for now Darklings I will be back to our regularly scheduled program as soon as I finish this edit of my book onward and upward

Love and kittens


Tuesday, June 5, 2018


Monday, June 4, 2018

The Whale's Tale Newport Oregon 1976



heading out to get my Sufi heart tattoo re-inked when I return I will tell you how much I love you


Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Pig and farm report

faster than light Prince Hal and Wolf day nine

my brain is full of garden sky deer bunnies ice cream editing hikes beach combing sun bathing eating outside corn on the cob reading unferaling the kittens who are no longer sequestered in the bathroom and are fully integrated into the bedroom and it is wonderful to have my beautiful bathroom back except at night when the kitties go back in so Jupiter can continue to sleep with me and wake with me pressing her head hard against my head purring both kitties asleep on me now for the first time now bye

100% full

This is the Porch Swing Full Beam Feral Bream moon

Friday, May 25, 2018


Wolfie (I call her Wolfgang though her name is Wolf)


I bought a beautiful soft gray kitty bed with a rounded edge for them to sleep in I bought catnip mice and official noisy balls on string and a catnip carrot with feathers and all manner of kitten goodness and of course they choose the shoebox in which to sleep and for toys it's toilet paper seashells the three heavy books I placed over the heater vent so their tiny paws wouldn't go through the bathtub the shower curtain which is now in a corner in my bedroom since they pulled it down and  of course climbing upon each other Wolfie keeps heading for the door so soon they will be allowed access to my bedroom their next big space 

okay they were allowed access just a few minute ago Wolfie made the leap wandered around under my bed then ran back into the bathroom

I cannot cannot cannot watch the news
my son reports the news to me

it was good to see Weinstein being led from his home in handcuffs but he had a bigass smile on his face was carrying a book to read and now he has an ankle monitor that he has to wear around his eight billion dollar Connecticut house

I hope the orange nightmare is next

our country is in shambles
another school shooting this time at a middle school for fuck sake
a bombing in an Indian restaurant in Canada "they" are saying it is not a hate crime a homemade bomb in an Indian restaurant not a hate crime
seriously I cannot watch the news today

yesterday I went to the outlet mall because the hole in my old man waiting for a bus shoe finally grew big enough for my toes to plop out I bought the exact same pair again those shoes lasted for ten years even though the new shoes were on sale they were three times as expensive as they were when I bought my first pair they at least tossed in some free socks I stopped at a strip mall on the way home and discovered to my pure delight a little restaurant named (hilariously) Gyro Stop their falafel and hummus were outstanding almost almost east coast good it is near impossible to find healthy vegetarian options out here in meat country hell it is impossible to find unhealthy vegetarian options that was my day

Fridays are usually my Saturdays in my brain because after 40 years of factory work Friday was the day where looking forward was the best thing ever

Happy Friday Darklings I hope you find bliss inside the storm

Love

Friday May 25, 2013

The Surfer: Man his legs are skinnier than yours.
Me: WHAT?
The Surfer: You have really really really skinny legs and his legs are about seven inches skinnier than yours.
Me: WHO?
The Surfer: Julie's husband.
Me: He had hip replacement surgery and he's over two hundred years old!
The Surfer: Yeah he's lost some muscle tone.



Good morning Darklings 

Thursday, May 24, 2018

morning dance music:

Jefferson Airplane Volunteers

Pig and farm report



Wolf and Prince Hal day 4

in the mornings I write because if I don't start in right away I get frightened of my own material I have been busy with it not the poems but with Strangle Town I sit in bed hunched over my laptop and by ten AM my back aches this and the feral kittens I was not told they were feral until I picked them up but no worries it will just take a bit longer to get them accustomed to human they are getting braver by the minute and Prince Hal has discovered his voice he vocalizes more than Paris the Genius Cat ever did in his entire I can't help but think Paris inhabits Prince Hal as I am convinced cats do Wolf is the aggressor in this relationship she instigates everything she is forward she is always sitting on top of Prince Hal but Hal is the most affectionate to me at least they have completely taken over the master bathroom and that is fine by me it is A Okay oh lord Jupiter is faring well she stands at the door and watches kitten paws come shooting out at her I rub my hands all over her before I visit the kittens then rub her smell under their ultra sensitive whiskers then when I come out I play extra hard with Jupiter more attention than ever more love then I rub kitten smell under Jupiter's whiskers between the cats the garden and writing this has been a perfect so far (I tend to ignore spring as much as I can) and it feels like summer to me the radishes are in the strawberries are huge and green the roses are opening the iris are blooming the tomatoes are planted and stretching their legs savage spring its terrible engine pushes and lunges forward as it always does and I am happy


Wednesday, May 23, 2018

What's that noise? "We heard nothing."

Prince Hal


Wolf



Sunday, May 20, 2018

Meet Prince Hal and Wolfie


I went to the shelter and signed all the paperwork and adopted them this afternoon they are spending the night and I will pick them up tomorrow morning at 8 even though the shelter is closed on Mondays they are siblings litter mates brother and sister 8 weeks old Prince Hal has a little hiss but as soon as I picked him up he started purring Agnes of God Wolfie is milk-fat and calm she barely woke when I picked her up but purred I haven't had tiny kittens since Orlando and Paris (also sister and brother) were 12 weeks old these kitties have been neutered and spayed and chipped and have had their first rounds of shots oh lord oh lord I fell in love hard

I have been looking for a kitten to adopt this time a companion for Jupiter who clearly misses Orlando and for we humans as well I have been looking at the CASA website the shelter where I adopted Jupiter since April since that is when kittens appear much like lilacs I have yet to meet this kitten who is two months old but he whispered at me through this picture exactly as Jupiter did

my son will be here Wednesday (payday) and we're going to go say hello and if kitty doesn't gouge our eyebulbs out or turn out to be a small dog then he's going home with us

I have already named him though my son doesn't know it but I have already named him so without further ado meet

Prince Hal





Saturday, May 19, 2018

ta-da!