Wednesday, February 20, 2019

It's not so much that I'm busy or quiet or have fallen permanently down or even stayed too long at the candy store. It's more like I'm in a waking coma. This may be what calm feels like. I'm not sure. It's weird to be not worrying about much. It feels like new shoes that are maybe taller in the heel that what I'm used to or maybe it feels like when my headache goes away and it takes me a few minutes to notice it maybe that or maybe it's like the seconds before you die the milliseconds where you are finally forced to stop thinking about dying entirely. 




Monday, February 4, 2019

Pig and farm report



It is Narnia winter on the island
I am here but I am busy writing finally
I am here but I am trying to figure out how to unscramble and post something truly horrifying and damaging a former reader a former human told me about himself that needs to be written here
Never confuse writers with priests
Never confess to someone holding a pen to your throat

Safe and warm 
I’ll return soon



Sunday, January 6, 2019

Pig and farm report



this woke me up + hail + thunder + rain then the wind hit 61 mph and I thought a train was driving through the house but nary a flicker of the lights so I got up and made a pot of strong coffee and watched morning come in going to the beach to see how it all survived happy Epiphany 

Saturday, January 5, 2019

Pig and farm report


yesterday my beach was an unbelievable blue with whitecaps and mountains but the wind was at 50 mph all day though I only lost power once the wind gives me serious Mr Coffee Jitters the wind gets through my skin and whooshes around in my guts the wind are the trees screaming at one another it was also unseasonably warm I was going to bake bread but I was worried that the power would go out again and I'd lose my dough the wind stops me the way snow storms in Seattle used to stop me so I made the corporate decision to drive to the Dari Delite in Mount Vernon where I bought a strawberry milkshake with a plastic straw and a gigantor bag of French fries and a vat of tartar sauce the thing with the plastic straw and all the fuss about plastic straws is that the people who are noisiest about plastic straws are also the people who fly all over the place in airplanes talking about plastic straws which makes me want to talk about the dinosaur sized carbon footprint that airplanes the worst polluters you can imagine make but really I want to talk about my former company where I built those airplanes but not really and I only have one or two milkshakes a year and maybe one iced latte in summer I am not so much an abuser of plastic straws or of airplanes for that matter though I am guilty of having let fly so many of them for so many years

I woke up and read for a while this morning for a long time I forgot how to lose myself in books really lose myself the last book I got lost in was Lauren Groff's Florida which I read last summer on my deck in my mango swimsuit drinking up the sun like there was still an ozone layer and I was 12 years old with unblemished skin not 65 with skin so tender that Tide laundry detergent makes me break out in an all over body rash but now I am bookish again

the wind is down this morning I had coffee I read my book I read a beautiful haunting piece in the Paris Review by Sabrina Orah Mark  titled Ghost People: On Raising Boys and Pinocchio which holds among many startling and heart breaking insights the line "She smiles wide. One of her front teeth looks more alive than it should be." as soon as I read that I knew I was in for good she wrote about her son the shooting at the Tree of Life Synagog Pinocchio as golem boys and their imaginations and motherhood if you have a minute and care about children it is fantastic

I don't know what today holds I barely know the date these days the calendar I bought for myself is still in my closet and potatoes are sprouting in my garden below the tulips because it has been so warm I did manage to disappear almost all of Christmas the tree is undecorated and thrown into the forest where I will attack it with my little chainsaw once my knee lets me walk downhill the lights are put away and stacked neatly in my closet the Santas are gone all that's left is the Christmas tablecloth and I will get to that today because I have to mop my kitchen floor which is a sentence that probably only makes sense to me

Monday I have to take the kittens to the vet because Wolfie's head keeps clicking and it might be her microchip it is much too loud to be a tooth or it might be dried earwax though the click sounds mechanical to me as though she is an AI cat whose servomotor has come loose and Hal is going too because his ears smell rank though Jupiter does her best to keep them clean hopefully it will be easypeasy a drop of whatever to melt the gunk hopefully Wolfie will click for the vet so the vet doesn't recognize my crazy and hopefully it won't cost more than $40.00 that is my aim

I wish I had a plan for today other than drinking coffee reading attempting to bake bread working on my story watching the trees for the wind that is supposed to arrive yet again this afternoon and staying in my nightgown because who the fuck cares

good morning Darklings! it is one day or other of the week in January 2019 still a brand spanking new year and

Love

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Pig and farm report


Wolf curled up for your viewing pleasure she's also sticking her tongue out at the wh the wind is up again maybe 40 mph right now and I am waiting for the power to flicker off I ate oatmeal with an apple in it for breakfast for sustenance since no power means no hot lunches whoosh whoosh and now I want to lie on the floor for a bit get taller the wind like this makes me feel my crazy grows a fully proofed dough in my stomach the place where my nerves meet to discuss news politics family finances and other urgencies yesterday I went shopping with my new budget and bought orange colored foods garnet yams squash and brown rice then I went to the marijuana store for my medicine since the Mr. Moxie mints are literally cheaper than Ativan and because DOGNURSE warned me that my insurance is going to decide which meds I need to be on also two days with Zombie Seroquel is about as much as I can stand and I am calmer but calm the way getting in a car accident makes you calm another word for shock another word for shook this morning I flipped off the wind and the trees an unkind act toward a forest I view as holy this may mean the crazy did not skedaddle with the  Seroquel maybe it is perching on the shaky limb of one of the ancient western hemlocks that live with me that are now my tree husbands and tree wives waiting to drop on my head as Prince Hal is fond of doing if he is above me and sometimes beside me just this morning he jumped on my bed and slapped me in the face with his giant paw which is now twice the size of Jupiter's paw but still connected to kitten

I am going to start my bookmobile tracking for 2019 I stopped listing the books I read last year because I read so many that it became a bother still I want to do it again I am currently reading Peter Straub's Koko which I rented at my library part of a trio of delicious books I have read before I also rented a movie called The Florida Project which is brilliant sooooo much better than Netflix's lame-o Bird Box seriously recommended a real story of resilient children and strong women about girls with kids living in the shadow slums underneath The Cult of Disney's stinking armpit a superb film I also discovered yesterday that my library has two different streaming services that show movies just like Netflix only free every time I go to the library now which is about once a week the librarian looks at me like she's the paranoid Secret Service I dreamed in the 1960s I secretly believe no one else on the island knows how to read including the librarian

I have my television on CNN with the sound off watching the democrats swear in to White Jesus God that they'll whatever good to see women and young people and people of color among all those fucking old white guys but not enough of them not nearly enough

my plan for today is to outwait the storm to trick it into submission to sit with a cat and read

have you written 2019 anywhere yet?

Pax

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

January 1, 2019


I like the beginnings of years it feels so clean last night was quiet I was here alone reading a book that is an old friend Peter Straub's Koko with the cats on my bed then under my bed once the gunfire started around 6 pm rifles and automatic weapons this morning I am cooking oats and an apple with cinnamon in my tiny slow cooker and making a couple loaves of French bread in between I'm watching the remarkable movie The Florida Project I have the propane fire off now as it will save me $100 a month and that is how I have to think I'm ready to shove the entirety of Christmas out the door but I need help reaching the top of the tree to remove decorations this is day two on Zombie Seroquel but as soon as I typed manic here the other day I knew it was true so I am taking care taking care 

I can't wait for my tulips to bloom

good morning Darklings may your new year be full of miracles and joy and blessings from the Animal Gods

Love

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Pig and farm report


Dear Darklings,

My absence from this bright corner has been abscessed my absence has been deeply felt by me each morning as I consider the forest prime the dark winter the passing of the Solstice which I didn't even mark here my absence has been a deeper problem a sign a portent a falcon in the tea leaves a dusty room a bird in the library a kitchen whale spout and I have missed you all deeply my knee has grown stronger Christmas passed with little fanfare and lots of reading we had a major whopper of a windstorm which left my son and me without power for two full days forcing me finally to literally bathe in the cats' water don't look at me like that the photo above is our ravaged state park the road to which was closed due to fallen trees not just limbs but trees were literally torn from the extremely dry ground by wind and slammed into the road all over the island and it was scary it was the noise just horrifying I have never been in a tornado or a hurricane but I can well imagine one now Summer's End fared spectacularly well huge branches on the deck and over the forest and on top of my garden plots but no windows crashed in no roof damage no car damage but goddamn the noise and now there is no one to care for the park at all now that the goddamn government is closed

in other news my Boeing pension has been cut by a third thanks to the raging hemorrhoid in the very white house a literal third due to taxation and that of course is my living money I earned working for so many years in the factory and of course it is the wealthy who get richer which we all knew I shudder to think what my house taxes will be this year and I give thanks for whatever gut instinct told me to shut out virtually every piece of advice I received regarding setting up a mortgage and car payments for myself because I won't lose the house or get my car repossessed and I am no stranger to belt tightening and I had a day of panic and fear and today I bounced up all happy and humming in the kitchen which makes me suspect I'm about to enter a manic swing which has not yet descended and so in this small window of sane I am writing

to tell you I love you to tell you I got a note from Tom reminding me who I am which drew me here to tell you I am reading your blogs but still cannot comment on them to tell you I miss you all I miss connecting with you here to tell you I am so grateful for our time here in this flat blue world our time as a family to tell you that Jupiter is about to turn four years old the feral kittens are now nine months Hal never leaves my side and Wolf is Page's cat they have clearly chosen their humans Jupiter is such a superb mother to tell you that I will come back but now my toe is infected again the same toe that the foot crusher healed five years ago a boil beginning to erupt on its tender top to tell you I have no health insurance except medicare to tell you to hang on hang on for dear life because you never know when you will turn a corner into a sunlit room with peonies in the window and a cat on your lap

sending love and a pile of cats from my house to yours

love



Monday, December 10, 2018

There is a prose excerpt from Queer Wing-ed at Burning House Press the first prose from my book to be published EVER and I am quite excited about it please go read if you can and leave a comment if the spirit or the Holy Bat moves you to do so the theme for the issue was Doors which of course I read as portals because I yam what I yam

Also on my to-do list for today is wash my hair

Love from the blacktail forest I hope this post sticks as blogger ate it the first time I posted it


ps.

I am still broken and I have to I mean I really must have to drive to the bait&tackle today but yesterday I walked up the hill to fetch the mail and that took time as I was careful but coming back down the hill made me hiss with pain and today it is raining I ache and ache and I'm going to drive dammit because I am alone here with cats who refuse to go fetch anything whatsoever from any store at all the little bastids I will write more once I have a lap again for my laptop I am still mostly stretched out with my leg extended on a pillow w/ ice and w/ aspirin and w/ ace bandage et al ugh

hi

Saturday, December 8, 2018


Tuesday, December 4, 2018

We can’t all be winners part 2

I just walked out the door for my daily foray to the beach stepped off the porch and my knee collapsed and I landed on my butt with my left arm on a frozen pumpkin and my right arm on my purse which probably saved my wrists fortunately my son is here and he helped me navigate the step back into the house and into my bed where I will probably starve to death for the next few days because he is so fucking healthy and at least for the moment I cannot make it to the kitchen so no soup and no bread either not even the monster kind it’s vegetables and fruit for me maybe a small cube of cheese if I beg

Where is all that illegal OxyContin when you really kneed it (I despise puns but there it is) oh god I have to fucking just lie here and listen to the pioneer woman squeal on and on btw did you know she and her little family are the 6th largest land owners in the US please don’t buy her crap at WalFart

I may become a nuciance here on account of sudden and severe lack of mobility

Look at Prince Hal he has become a major cat



UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!

I just asked my son to pop a bagel in the toaster for me and he said do you want me to make you some eggs they’re so much better for you and I had to say NO A BAGEL IS FINE WITH BUTTER see what I mean? and now he’s threatening not to leave for the orchard Thursday as he had previously planned

We can't all be winners

the most simple honey wheat sandwich bread gone horribly awry honestly I don't even know why I put it in the oven after this nightmare umm...rose... and continued to rise you can see where the very crown of the bread touched the top element of the oven


other than that monstrosity which Ivy Alvarez said looks like one of Ronald Reagan's hairdos I have been okay dealing with this lingering depression which feels like it's gone then pops back in to create havoc in my brain spaces I woke up the day before yesterday and my left knee was stiff so stiff I couldn't bend it and aching like the best swear word your grandpa ever said so I immediately googled CANCER KNEE because I always go to the extreme worst thing that could possibly happen but alas google told me that I was fat and sedentary and old which I already knew plus toss in the fact that I was kneeling in frozen mud to trim back a crapload of potatoes that unexpected sprang forth in my garden bed under my tulip bulbs for an hour and yesterday when I woke up the CANCER KNEE was gone leaving just a little stiffness in the back and now I'm sitting cross legged as I always do the sun is out it is 30 degrees Wolfie has a clicking noise in her head but I googled my kitten's head clicks and all I found was that kittens also teethe at six months old so I'm hoping it's a molar and that I don't have to swallow my savings account with kitten head surgery

it is December I put up all my Santa and Forest Animal decor and lights around the big front windows in hopes that I can shake this floating anxiety that might have as much to do with the news as it does with my mental illness I got out my advent calendar house which is shaped like an old pointy church with twenty five doors in it and I crammed a tiny chocolate snowman and a tiny chocolate teddy bear into each door by snapping off their respective heads still delicious I am told my houseplants continue to thrive in spite of my usual depression related depression plant-o-cide I have decided to really make a low and non-spendy Christmas for myself because I still can't afford to replace my glasses and it always makes me feel nasty to spend so much on crap for instance I'm still eating Thanksgiving dinner this year I'm making a spinach quiche and some guacamole and some beans for Christmas dinner and that is that

hello from the blacktail forest Darklings
it feels like I've been gone forever and I've missed you
I have good news on the writing front but I can't tell it here for fear of jinxing it

time to make soup

Love

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

drown

news

washes over 
washes over me over me
in the year of morning the year
of dark washes me in
dark I refuse your baptism
I refuse your jesus
I refuse your washes washed
I refuse your jesus
I refuse your marriage
in blood washes over me washes me over
in blood
in glut
in salt
washes me washes my salt washes
dark is not is not is circumference
news fucks me in the morning
I am fucked married again fucked again 
the news
fucks me I am fucked again
look
the sky dark wash me wash over me
look
salt news washing me baptized
me fucks me in the dark

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Pig and farm report

Last night something terrible happened to someone I love it was neither my son nor I but I had to go to a hospital in Seattle to see this person and that’s all I can write about it

Last night I had a sex dream about Tom Cruise and in the next dream I was driving the wrong way on the freeway into oncoming holiday traffic

This morning I baked a pumpkin pie then I had to go to the grocery store for baby spinach and a red onion

I have been well but deep quiet in my guts

I kept seeing photos of dead animals i.e. meat on Twitter today so I shut my phone off also I feel shook over the news of yesterday and I can’t deal with any more news at all

I do not give a fuck for this gorge fest of a holiday though I will put cinnamon whipped cream in my coffee tomorrow morning

I’m reading book after book I am reading like a starving person eats bread

Love from my corner of the forest




Saturday, November 17, 2018

Pig and farm report


  "You do not understand pigs," said the bird, whirling. "Pigs have an angel." Whereupon she whistled like an express train and a small cactus rose out of the earth and slid into the bowl which the bird had left at her feet.
 She said: "Piu, Piu, Little Servant, cut yourself into bits and feed yourself to the pigs so they become inspired with Pig Angel."
  The cactus called Piu cut himself into little round bits with a knife so sharp and fast it was impossible to behold.

A Mexican Fairytale, from The Complete Stories Of Leonora Carrington

*

All I have been doing is reading my depression is gone but my brain is slow moving and thick though I cleaned the house top to bottom I am sleeping at night though each morning I wake at 2:30 AM the milk hour and Jupiter comes in and leans her heavy silken weight against me and purrs and that allows me to go back to sleep

I haven't talked to my neighbor since our first encounter but yesterday I went out and cut all the snow berries the long bendy branches as many as I could carry because she wanted them to make wreaths and they are all over my forest and I took them to her house and knocked but she didn't answer or wasn't there so I left them on her step with a pot of raspberry jam that I made last summer I suspect she is shy in the way that I am shy

three nights ago I went into the pitch black forest to fetch the mail not even a star to see and there are no street lights here I thought I knew the path by heart I thought I was fleet footed but I stepped on a large rock with my right foot and crashed down onto my right side feeling first to make sure the lens hadn't come free from my glasses then sitting on the rock then standing and as I made my way back down the hill to the house I thought I had a concussion because I could not see out of my left eye but it turns out I had drastically bent my glasses frame so I was only seeing out of one eye I have a bruised cheek and a goose egg on my left shin and a goose egg on my right shin and a banged up right knee and an appointment with the next town over optometrist next week

this morning the sun is out and it is cold and I made the graham cracker crust for a cheesecake and my kitchen smelled like Jesus's baptism day and then realized that I have no sour cream for the batter or strawberries for the coulis so today will be a store day which I dread 

Leonora Carrington is kicking me all over the place such rich and fantastical writing that and the safety and comfort of this house and my Animal Gods keep me afloat these days waiting waiting for my feathers my fire to return

Love to you Darklings now that the nights are stretched into days pray for me and the two turkeys who live next door to Jack the Egg Man where the Andy Warhol chicken lives one gray one black everyday everyday everyday I check to make sure they are still alive this is a version of hope

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Pig and farm report

yesterday I woke and my depression was gone just like that like that like that though last night I dreamed people had kidnapped me and were piercing me with foot long needles and my body still aches it is hard to tell the uninitiated how powerful depression is on my body the actual physical exhaustion the aches the diminishment of joy is a terrible strain and fog

today I woke and ate an apple and went to the store and saw a deer leap across the road and saw a flock of snow geese fill a field with their white

I am tired through and in and in my spirit

I baked a beautiful complicated bread with sun dried tomatoes and gouda from a farm nearby and basil I made brown rice I folded the clothes that were all over my bedroom and put them away I changed my sheets

one important thing happened

as I was coming back from the store I saw my neighbor who lives a country block away walking near my house my son knows her (he knows everyone his ease with people astounds me) she was recently in a bad car accident was wearing a neck brace she lives in a small trailer in the lot of a big fancy house I can tell that they are poor and I understand poor deeply I suspect her husband or boyfriend drinks as his car has new dents on it every week and also the bad car accident I pulled over and got out of my car to say hi because after all next month it will have been two years I said hi I introduced myself she said she knew who I was that she was waiting for me to come out of my house my son told her I am reclusive she said she wanted to bring cookies she said she wanted some cuttings of some of my plants and came over once and knocked on the back door and my heart broke wide open and I wondered if she saw me sobbing on my soft gray sofa I wonder if she saw me ghost wandering in my holly and ivy nightgown

a stray black cat walked between us I asked if it was hers and she said no that it was her mouser though she said I'm a dog person and I said one of the best of the Animal Gods and she made a sound with her breath and she hugged me hard and said yes and yes some people know the Animal Gods instantly be they cats or dogs or chickens

then we talked a bit about books about how the plants grow so strangely big here in the forest where it seems shady so often and my heart broke wide open and I told her to come over any time that I might be ghost wandering in my nightgown if she doesn't mind and she said she'd wear her jammies over

tonight I watched the final episode of Parts Unknown with my son watched Anthony Bourdain thin and drawn and worried and beautiful as he and his most amazing film crew explored the lower east side the section of New York I am hardest in love with and both of us wept seeing the end of Anthony and that's all I can say about it right now

writing this has exhausted me all of it exhausted me I am weak but hopefully I'll get an even stretch at least through the holidays which arrive faster and faster and hopefully when I come back here I'll be a writer again

love from the blacktail forest


Friday, November 9, 2018

Pig and farm report

it seems I am once again not getting email notification when one of you posts a comment grrr though I have changed nothing in the settings this here today is a placeholder a tracker this here today is to say that my disease my bipolar 1 disorder is kicking my ass all over the place this time depression my peculiar strand of the disorder brings its clouds and storms and race cars without triggers for the past week I've stayed in my holly and ivy nightgown binged watched television and other shows and wept but I would have been weeping in front of the television even without my disorder the way things are fortunately I've been able to read too Leonora Carrington's Complete Stories as well as Down Below in which she writes of her disorder and a book of poetry by Shaindel Beers Secure Your Own Mask which is stunning I am pretty much at zero right now but here is a quick binge watching review revue since I can't think of anything else to type

I Love Dick, Netflix
my second time watching this series about Chris Kraus's book directed by Jill Soloway I love it and I love Kathryn Hahn in it a really funny put down about an artist colony in Marfa Texas as least that's how I read it

Homecoming, Amazon
I probably should be embarrassed by how much I love Julia Roberts excellent scary story

Outlander, Showtime
I watched the first two seasons which was two whole days thinking it was a time travel story but it really isn't and by the end of the second season I noticed cringy racism colonialism and rampant misogyny so BIG no it took me eleven tries to spell misogyny and just now I misspelled spell

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Netflix
it turns out I am no longer nine years old so I only got through one episode

Mad Men, AMC
maybe for the eleventh time and I still loved it all the way through


it is a goddamned miracle I haven't burned my eyebulbs out from all the cathode or whatever rays emitting from my telly and computer screens it's a goddamned miracle my neck and back and entire body doesn't ache from so much non-activity with sporadic panic baking and it's a pure goddamned jesus miracle that I didn't die on Monday from eating an entire box of Blue Box Mac 'N Cheese while watching politicking on the telly but it was after I took an Ativan then smoked about one third of a joint it was not a cry for help either I ate it straight from the pan I cooked the noodles in with no shame whatsoever also with no one watching

well there you have it I'll be back when I can and when I can

Love and here's Hal on my beach towel


Thursday, November 8, 2018

Pig and farm report

I baked some honeycomb and cornflower sugar cookies other than that I am flattened by the news in spite of everything the season moves forward my Christmas cactus is blooming my house plants grow Findhorn huge I got a hair cut I made applesauce I survived DOGNURSE once again sending love and sugar for now I'll be back when my brain comes home

Friday, October 19, 2018

Pig and farm report

this morning I drove to the beach in deep deep fog where I saw three seal pups frolicking close to the docks one seal bobbing up and down the other two swimming in loopy strokes out in a V then back in close to the third a great blue heron stood motionless watching them and a kingfisher stood on the pilings I watched this magik until the heron decided the seal pups were interrupting her fishing and she flew off squawking which I have never in my livelong life heard before a terrible trumpet an ancient sound as she scolded the pups the kingfisher stayed in her place unperturbed her dry trill echoing out over the water

I came home then lit a fire and split my first acorn squash of the season rubbed olive oil and salt and pepper into its orange flesh and put it in the oven it will make four meals once I stuff the halves with mushrooms and onions and apple and sharp cheddar cheese and cranberries and brown rice plus fresh thyme and garlic chives that miraculously appeared in my herb garden after the last rain

I'm working on Tom's second interview question it has taken me way too long distracted as I was by my book which for now is blissfully out of my hands

this is a small report but I am sane and happy and once I finish Tom's question today I'm going to read a bit and fill up my already brimming well

I am thinking for the near future of writing a short story again I've written ten but I threw all but one away when I moved I love the form and I think it is more difficult than a novel

happy October Darklings may you have frogs and owls and warm blankets or working air conditioning wherever you are and all the orange food you need

Love


Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Pig and farm report

yesterday I drove to the flatbed truck that sits loaded with fresh picked corn next to the Skagit River this will be the last week for corn as the fields are mowed down to their blond nubs I bought eight ears of corn for a buck and on the way back I saw a young fox standing in one of those mown fields his ears pricked forward tail straight out quivering

this morning I made corn chowder and raked as many pine needles off the path as I could then raked the sugar maple leaves and covered my gardens with them gold wet blankets for winter

the light here is spectacular
I practiced Bach for hours this afternoon reclaiming my neglected soul
I am a musician again
I am


Sunday, October 14, 2018

2.

Incandescent joy then a galloping panicattackoutofnowhere with an Ativan chaser here at Summer’s End where the fun never stops

Miraculeux



yesterday I finished Queer Wing-ed

this morning I printed it and read it all the way through and honestly I was stunned by how it moved me how good it was how much of my life to took to write 30,491 words 151 pages the thousands and thousands of miles I traveled from Seattle to Chicago from Seattle to New Hampshire from Seattle to Vermont from Vermont to New York then from Seattle to New York again and back all those miles all those words all those years nine years this summer

at 1:04 this afternoon I sent it to my publisher of choice
then I ate a celebration bagel

I want desire need a bigger celebration but for right now I'm enjoying the echo emptiness of my once haunted brain for right now I'm rolling across that wide open prairie in my head like a dog in mud for right now I am full of thanks for all of you for taking this weird journey with me thank you
thank you
thank you

and you and you and you

Thursday, October 11, 2018

for Alice


A gray bodied fawn on the forest verge

Pipes lifted the house hovered and bucked above the hemlock the sugar maple irrational waterways sogged rust ritual sick I put fail in my mouth sucked the pit and fell a bigger Alice than the story a bigger Alice whose ghost flew out my mouth strawberries quivered sick mildew in the enamel sink the smell fucked my undertongue for a day the way I tore hospital gave over to shit sponge in the cew wet carpet exaggerated sky I ativaned its red heart stroked the smoke stink this is not the Idaho that leaked inside of me this is not my body at the edge calling out little bear little bear

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Hi.


I knew the entire world was dangerous when I was four years old
I knew dangerous men were in control of everything when I was nine years old
I knew the planet was one giant drunken frat house when I was thirteen years old and that has not changed 

I am mostly quiet right now and sane waiting for my oatmeal to cook waiting for the courage I need to open my pc and finish up my mess ie my mss

it smells amazing here on the island
I got a flu shot yesterday

I have nothing to write just checking in with my own head hi hello Darklings and love

Friday, October 5, 2018

ps.

what I really wanted to write below is that these rituals the ritual of oats the ritual of fire the ritual of garden the ritual of the Animal Gods are the things that mean contentment to me when I am level when I am not having an [episode :: I loathe that word] when I am neither depressed nor manic nor rapid cycling because when I am sick the rituals fall apart they are swept up in a storm of terrible strength and rapid destruction
I lose sight I lose everything
each time

and so oatmeal and cats and weeds and owls and apples have become church
they buoy me






Pig and farm report

the Queen is in and she's judging Amerika harshly

























in other news it is raining hard end of the world rain I was going to go to the bait & tackle for some yogurt and bread but I have oats and figs (yes figs!!!) and road eggs and soup that I made last winter and yeast and flour and sugar and butter and I can make my own damn bread so today I am not going any damn where

now that the temps are in the 30s in the morning I have a very small ritual

I get up at 6 AM put 3/4 cup of water into my wee 1&1/2 quart crock pot (I believe it is the world's smallest crock pot one of the originals) along with 1 cut up apple a few sultanas a pinch of salt some cinnamon and 1/4 cup of Irish steel cut oats then I plug the ancient little thing in and go back to bed to read until 8 AM and then I get back up eat the oatmeal with brown sugar and a splash of milk and watch Leave it to Beaver on one of the ghost channels

I believe I will stick to this ritual throughout winter

I have the fire going but have yet to turn on the heat
this morning I woke with a kitten under each armpit and Jupiter purring away on my chest her cat machine running like the exquisite engine it is I was a Jesus Animal crucified on my own bed with claws heat and the softest fur imaginable

I am happy
I am writing
I am freaked out

this isn't much of a report
I have no idea what I was going to write when I first started this blog post

hello Darklings
it is October

the owl is still in my tree

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Pig and farm report

yesterday morning I walked down the hall toward my bedroom and noticed my floor was damp my beauty deep blue new carpet wet wet danger once I got to my bedroom I noticed it was even wetter by the bathroom and I saw water droplets on the tiles there and I dropped to my knees in a panic feeling the very wet carpet there panic panic panic patting the rug feeling the water I knew the pipes under the house had collapsed I knew the ceiling in the bathroom was leaking the roof had caved in I knew the water heater had busted and flowed from my closet into the rest of the house I knew the washing machine had given up the ghost and walked full of water down my hall into my bedroom leaking its guts

it turns out that Wolfie had fallen in the full tub and she shot out of there down the hall then back to hide and dry herself under my bed

it turns out that my closet which houses the water heater was perfectly dry

it turns out that my son was in his room and then he found me on the floor patting the rug crying in a panic

it turns out everything was okay

this is what PTSD looks like

*

after that I invented a recipe for carameled apple cinnamon rolls with cream cheese and vanilla and cointreau frosting which turned out to be OH MY GOD delicious though next time I'll only use half as much sugar on the dough before I roll it up here is what they looked like before their second rise


and here is how they looked right after I put the frosting on before it melted down into the rolls

while I was making them I cut my thumb deeply on a brand new paring knife which I bought specifically for apple season and now I need to figure out how I made them retrace my steps and write down the recipe because they were amazing

*

last night I walked outside for a minute and there was the owl in the foliage under an ancient tree in front of my house he looked at me and I stopped breathing then he looked around then down as if he were about to kill something helpless then he looked back at me and then flew up and over my head so close I felt him in my hair it is the same owl oh god do I have an owl friend now oh god a forest gift

I have been depressed for a while but this morning I was able to read some poetry and in other poetry news I had a poem accepted for a magazine it will be the last poem the zine ever publishes as they can no longer afford to keep afloat

it was 37 degrees when I woke this morning
nothing was wrong with my beautiful house
I had the first oatmeal of the season with rich gold sultanas and brown sugar

Hello Darklings from the magik forest and love


Saturday, September 29, 2018

Sometimes when we feel like we’re opening up we’re actually falling apart.
Kidding, Showtime

Pig and farm report

last night I dreamed I was in a hot air balloon and I smelled something acrid burning and I realized I was holding a pen aloft and its tip was on fire

the night before I dreamed I was being prepared for death first I was washed with a soft sponge but no hands were touching me then I was dressed in soft green silk pajamas with a sheer silk caftan of the same material and color over my son sat behind me in a row boat and I was not afraid

other than theses two miracle dreams I’ve been full of rage and monsters from my past like most every other woman and feeling person in Terrible America right now

Peace

Monday, September 24, 2018

#National Punctuation Day

I read that on Twitter this morning and laughed and snorted

Also puncture punctured and punctures all showed up as spelling suggestions before punctuation which is alarming and really who among us is not alarmed these days all the time every moment

Good morning Darklings I woke at 2:30 this morning and could not get back to sleep so I lit the fire ate an apple made a pot of strong tea and started watching a new show on Netflix called Maniac then I stopped watching after thinking about the etymology of the word maniac which of course is mania

From French maniaque, from Late Latin maniacus, from Ancient Greek μανιακός (maniakós), adjectival form of μανία (manía, “madness”)

So it goes

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Also this


it was a true relief to hear from the court system when I told my son about it he said hey you beat the system which is 100% untrue I have done jury duty many times in the past and served on two different cases this is because I am insane not because I am trying to beat anything except perhaps my son

I'M KIDDING PEOPLE ALSO HE'S 6'5" AND EXTREMELY FAST AND STRONG


reading this gave me two immediate feels
1. relief
2. sadness because this is a document that proves just how entirely insane I am I had the same feeling when my SSDI was approved today yes I know I'm insane and I'm okay with it but I think I hide it pretty much when I have too which is a false belief and probably typing this goes further to prove I'm insane rather than telling myself I am only partially insane the comforting lie

Pig and farm report Equinox


yesterday morning I stood out in the front yard looking at St. Francis who moved himself from the deck to a new spot where he can watch the rest of the Animal Gods who visit Summer's End and the owl in the photo above flew right over my head toward the roof and my heart was still busting right out of its red cage when it flew back over my head and landed in that tree where it watched me for a good five minutes this is not to say that St. Francis moved himself my son did that also this is a True Visitation and a harbinger of autumn which has been here on the island for at least two weeks

this week I planted 120 tulip bulbs in two of my raised garden beds I am still picking tomatoes and I am not yet sick of the fruit itself every morning I eat an apple or two from the boxes in the pantry which makes me think of David Foster Wallace's mother who described apples as the broom of the system 

I am writing this morning because I am in the middle of a wind storm with rain and oddly warm temperatures and my power has been flickering on and off all night and right now I have it I'm warming up soup and have the fire going I am used to this dance it's almost always because of trees whose root balls have dried during the summer who decide to topple onto power lines

I'm growing out my bangs which is not news but is a pain I am only growing them out because I can't afford a haircut quite yet because October is the month I pay taxes on the house this morning I put hair spray on them to keep them out of my left eye which has PINK EYE from allergies don't panic it isn't the catchy kind and I promise you won't get it from me but it makes me feel hideous and craven and I have taken to wearing my sunglasses when I go shopping which ends with me putting unknown items in my shopping cart because the prescription on the lenses needs to be stronger I also found a ribbon in my junk drawer and have tied it into my unruly hair and it made me remember how much I love ribbons I always have and it made me remember one of my last days at My Ex Glamorous Job when my work wife Tina-bo-dina asked me to put her hair in a tie and I did it too loosely and she said you can tell you never had a daughter which inexplicably or perhaps explicably made me feel intensely sad

I have wisely given up the weird joy of having everything in the house brand brand new as the feral kittens pay no attention to my efforts to get them to stop running over everything including the soft gray sofa the kitchen table and my head

this might be the most boringest blog post ever but all is right in my world

Barbara I owe you mail thank you for all the Animal Gods you have sent

Dear Darklings I hope you are feeling joy this autumn first it is a day of known magik

go outside

Love

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Young corn































































Friday, September 14, 2018

Pig and farm report

today two associates from my innerlube factory showed up to put two signal boosters in my house they were here for about a half hour and I did not get paranoid I did not cry I did not think they were going to kill me and I did not die inside that half hour which lasted about fifteen days as I sat frozen on the sofa and the cats howled like wolves as they were sequestered in the bathroom

I did however take an Ativan

then I went out during a rain lull and picked all these beauties which look like almost pico de gallo + a small salsa verde (I still need limes and cilantro) I have only been able to grow nine tomatillos this year so far the yellow and purple are the sweetest the peppers are growing everywhere that there is a jalapeño and a serrano they are big whores and commingle right out in the yard where everyone can see the jalapeño will go in the pico and the serrano will go in the tiny salsa verde

good bog the tomatoes I eat at least one a day usually squooshed between two pieces of bread slathered in mayonnaise sometimes cut up and tossed in scrambled road eggs sometimes in a quick marinara and the poor cherry tomatoes haven't even come close to the house as the deer and my son and I eat them right off the vine like candy I doubt any of my tomatoes will get canned or frozen this year


then I finished my first interview question with Tom which felt good and right I have never enjoyed doing an interview with anyone else and then my brain turned back on pretty much as close to normal today as it will ever be


Love




Dear Universe,

I want to give a poetry reading The Sea Glass Carousel in NY because it is one of those places of deep deep magic in America I want the reading to be inside in the carousel reading in the glass oh can you can you imagine?




Pig and farm report

There's a point between what you want people to know about you and what you can't help people knowing about you.
Diane Arbus


I am almost back among the living I am at least no longer manic no longer rapid cycling and I think the depression has left but it's hard to tell because the Seroquel still resides in my blood a smirk demon that gives no fucks for my well being I took more this round that I have ever taken before in my life

I called DOGNURSE and emailed her my jury summons and told her I needed a doctor's note also spoke to the court DOGNURSE said she faxed them her note but I will call the court again and make sure because I honesty do not trust DOGNURSE to do this correctly this is not paranoia it's just covering my bases the penalty for not showing up for jury duty is $100 per day or 3 days in jail so yes I could go to jail if I don't make sure all my crazy ducklings are in a row

my son appeared with two giant boxes of apples from his orchard that are now in my pantry the galas are new to his land and they are delicious and the difference between fresh apples and apples that have been frozen for a year and then thawed (also known as all the other apples) is stunning I made an apple pie yesterday using the last of the applesauce I made last year to beef up the pie filling and the golden delicious which are perfect for baking and I'll make applesauce in December when I get to the middle of the boxes

I started a new interview with Tom Beckett this morning and that is diving in deep waters because my brain hasn't fully recovered but I'm a day late and typing here is connecting with you but also avoidance

I'm waiting to hear back from my editor on Queer Wing-ed trying not to be anxious about it

rain is back and it's time to plant my tulip bulbs but the temps have suddenly dropped and I'm in no mood to sit in the mud at least not today maybe tomorrow though I have until December but I might not since the weather has changed so drastically we don't have temperate autumns here anymore and it might freeze early like it did last year

this photo doesn't do justice to how big these boxes of apples are but they sure are pretty


I'll be back as soon as my brain turns itself on I apologize for the wooden stilted writing here

Love

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Pig and farm report

Day 2

the Seroquel Death Pill did not work last night it still took me hours to get to sleep and I woke up and immediately drank 12 cups of coffee then mopped my kitchen floor then changed my sheets again then did two loads of laundry then danced but my dancing felt haunted not joyful and last night I drove to the store where I spent an insane $80 on absolutely nothing then almost hit a car as I attempted to drive out of the parking lot

my son has been driving me almost everywhere but he doesn't understand why even though I've tried to tell him and he won't be here until tomorrow

later yesterday afternoon I got a jury summons from Island County in the mail which means I'd have to drive an hour get on a ferry pay for said ferry then drive to the courthouse on Whidbey Island get there by 8 AM wait for 8 hours then drive home in the dark and that sent me spinning then I called my son and whined about it then I fretted

I ended up calling DOGNURSE to tell her I needed a note excusing me from jury duty because I can't drive myself I never know if I will be up or down or inside out and the thought of it terrifies me and now I'll have to speak to her on the telephone which is ugh then she'll want to see me for herself to judge my crazy and probably try to get me on her scales again ugh ugh ugh I also confessed my mixed features episode to her because they are rare and shrinks get really excited when they see it much like physicians seeing conjoined twins

my house is really clean though the floor sparkles the counters are crumb free the sheets are cotton clean and I am running in circles inside myself

Seroquel is an anti-psychotic

anti-psychotic
anti-psychotic
anti-psychotic

that's going to look so grand on my resume haha

according to WebMd if you're interested

What Are the Symptoms of a Mixed Features Episode?

Mixed episodes are defined by symptoms of mania and depression that occur at the same time or in rapid sequence without recovery in between..
  • Mania with mixed features usually involves irritability, high energy, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.
yep this too especially all of it
  • Depression during episodes with  mixed features  involves the same symptoms as in  "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.
no feelings of suicide but the rest of it yes

so

back on the Zombie Seroquel anti-psychotic tonight thinking I might have to take one sooner maybe even two a day for a while in the past it has knocked me out with one dose this round is a bugger

dear Darklings

I am so glad you are here

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Pig and farm report

this is a placeholder in case I lose my place

yesterday I woke up with a cotton stuffed head signaling depression it lasted all day then I went outside during a big rain storm the first of the season and dug up the rest of my potatoes

this morning when I woke the depression was gone and my left shoulder blade ached up and down its meridian

then I ate two breakfasts which were only one breakfast but I'm not much of a breakfast eater unless it's for dinner

now I'm preparing to bake an olive oil and orange cake

this might seem simple but the truth is that I'm rapid cycling which is the joy of depression and mania hitting me at the same time

the truth is that I'm writing it here so I remember so I can track so I know how long it lasts so next time I can remind myself

the truth is that it's awful and terrifying not one thing not the other a roller coaster ride fuckery

I will take the dreaded zombie Seroquel tonight then sleep the sleep of the living dead and hopefully knock it out of myself in a day or two

the truth is typing this made me cry

see? see? proof

I'll see you on the other side

crazytown

xo






Wednesday, September 5, 2018

One delicious package




Monday, September 3, 2018

Finished

I finished Queer Wing-ed tonight and I printed up a hard copy to send to my editor tomorrow

that only took ten years twelve if you count the two years I worried over Darger after first seeing his paintings at the Frye Art Museum in Seattle

But finished

















now what?

I suddenly feel wildly untethered

Love
I finished editing the book today which is a huge relief now I'm putting together my acknowledgements and thank yous the hardest part is remembering everyone spelling your names correctly then putting them in alphabetical order then I have to find all the places my poems were published but that's easy since I keep a clean spreadsheet on where I've sent just about everything ever then the title page then the dedication then it's off to my editor both a paper version and Word document and then I will pace around until she's had her way with it then out to the publisher one or three or five but I will finally be free to write something new to breathe creative life into someone something other than Henry Darger

Happy Labor Day Darklings

Love
Rebecca
Union and Proud for 40 years and the eight years I worked without a union (my last eight with the company) was the only time I got laid off

xo

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Jupiter and Wolf


Pig and farm report

last night I dreamed I was sitting in the middle of my garden reaching into thick loamy soil pulling out potato after potato after potato each potato more gorgeous than the next

this morning I went out and dug up potatoes each more gorgeous than the next

I'll dig the rest of the potatoes once the big rain starts but for now they can stay in bed and in November I'll plant tulip bulbs in that bed to give the soil a chance to regenerate its goodness

after that I paid my first of the month bills and cleaned out my little accordion file box keeping three months of each bill and discarding the old bills

this might not seem like a big deal to you but if you've ever been mentally or lived with a mentally ill person or had a manic episode that lasted for five years straight you might recognize this for the miracle it actually is

my life is larger and smaller than it's ever been

Amen to Henry finally releasing me enough to come back here

I have missed you all so much




Monday, August 27, 2018

Pig and farm report

I am rewarding myself a bit of time here to say hello after a hard morning of killing my darlings to misquote Faulkner I have cleaned up my mss and cut the first section from 38 to 33 pages and every one of those pages (I first typed plagues!) contained writing that I love but I am now asking does it move my thesis forward does it move the story in any direction and is it necessary

I have changed my deadline to get it to my editor the first of September instead of the middle to the end of September

all that's left now really are the front and back

I'm pretty much done

it is clean autumn here on the island now that the smoke has cleared literal smoke from Canada and Oregon and California the air quality has been so poor that I haven't hazarded outside and have been coughing and feeling stopped and ragged in the mornings I work then I go to the beach then I read I cleaned my garden of tomatoes last week and they're still coming yesterday I stopped to pick up some road eggs at my favorite road egg spot and met the man who owns those chickens his name is Jack and not only did I take all three cartons of eggs and a bucket of plums I got to meet his goat Fred and his five sheep one named Dorothy I fed them bits of torn up hot dog buns Jack said do you mind a little bit of goat spit on your hands I told him absolutely not my heart banged in my chest to meet these beige beauties I have admired his Animal Gods from afar and he was pleased to hear it I got a tour around his property right and good as he looked at my legs in my turquoise dress and talked and talked and talked Jack is an elder hippie as I am a collector of wagon wheels and old teapots out of which he makes art he also has an orchard and a huge garden before I left he ran in his house then ran out again and gave me his phone number on a piece of paper and told me to call him if I ever want eggs

which I just might do

here is what my garden gave me  this week
























here is the blackberry star pie I baked a couple days ago






















and here is Prince Hal after I returned from the pot store he was quite excited
























that's it for now Darklings I have a frittata cooling on the counter and then I'm going to mop the kitchen

thank you for your patience while we are undergoing construction






Love,
Rebecca