Sunday, August 19, 2018

Their roar was a proverb Queer Wing-ed excerpt


I watched a large raccoon without a tail stumble his way across my backyard fence how did he lose his tail I've never seen such a sad awkward slow grasping until he reached the hemlock and climbed up he almost fell three times I have to get out of the house beach grocer violin lesson house beach grocer violin lesson house beach grocer violin lesson house cycle of sameness off to the beach now and tomorrow I'm going to find out what's wrong with my broken car I really need to go somewhere anywhere I've lost my tail I've forgotten how to walk the fence I am a big lurking thick dangerous bubble of going nowhere fast how does such a thing happen to a toothy animal last night I stretched out on a factory conveyor belt at Boeing and I was given a turquoise paper gown and a warm blanket and something wonderful to drink then the actor Jason Lee as Jesus surgically removed my heart

I looked at my checking account this morning to see how my usual $28 that I keep there was doing I check daily for no surprises and I saw immediately that my checking account had swollen and burst through the levy during the night if you've ever been poor you know that too much money is worse than not enough so I called the bank and asked the teller what are all those letters what what what happened and she told me it's Social Security which means I passed the Crazy Test and because the government shut off my unemployment I don't have to pay them anything back and SSDI back paid me for first two months of the year and I will have enough to pay my rent and buy food many people in Terrible America can judge me but they don’t understand invisible diseases this is pure Equinox I unexpectedly found myself feeling unemployed all over when I realized I didn't have to sit here and search for jobs for fifteen hours a day I applied for over seven hundred jobs since July and not one bite not one and now I don't have to do this and time has opened like a nova the small muscles defined in my skin the ending not the beginning of embarrassment a book I fell into that is amazing I can hardly breathe to see what comes next

I wanted to put fuck in the flower moon but there isn't enough time and my eyeball won't stop twitching and my Internet keeps cutting out nothing wrong with my computer nothing wrong with my modem it's this house the outside falling inward like an ill behaved cake I need more time more time to myself though I'm thankful for the heat the sun the insects traveling through my bloodstream the smell and sound of a classic car revving up stupid fishermen lemonade and red Popsicles that aren't cherry but plastic flavored Aunt Beulah's abandoned bathrobe flavored illegal fireworks that blow off your eyebrows and eyelashes and the sick after a bright red cochineal red for real man kchunk kchunk kchunk reminiscent of breath and disoriented in the putrid underneath I'm wearing my short sky blue sleeveless dress from which I cut two feet of material then hemmed last summer not realizing how distressingly gathered the waist was how much stretchy fabric through which to run my needle because it's going to be summer again today summer tomorrow too with thunderstorms I took a hot bath and slathered myself in perfume then put on my blue twirly dress and now all I need is time because my eyeball won't stop twitching and my Internet keeps cutting out

In survival mode in the undertow swimming hard as I can yesterday I fought blackberry brambles until night when I plopped on my bed concentrated for a while on an oceanic breeze that startled its way through my window and cooled my legs this morning I had a bruised ass my assbone my Jawbone Of An Ass throbs like a raptor bite I can barely sit tears and snot again yet again realizing how my childhood and adulthood heroes have always been fictional girls who survived impossible situations Dorothy Gale Alice Violet Vivian my mother is dying

Saturday, August 18, 2018

Their roar was a proverb Queer Wing-ed excerpt


Monday in the season of animal shaped coffins and mossy branches drifting from trees transformation cataract lens luxation lens subluxlation corneal guttae gerontoxin esoteric images a new lexicon a blink camera Barthes’ dilettante punctum my eye atlas one way of looking at it the idea of new of unpredictable of progress of the gap between worlds a plumb line into what I desire versus what I need hiding from collapse from obsession stability disorder moving forward at any pace Foucault’s regulating power needed as always to control unpredictability that power missing from my shoebox my cubby my closet my sparkle clutch of tricks come to me with a map tie heavy coins into the hem of my coat my future body is at its core this morning apples raspberries ginger and chocolate I washed the dishes watched hybrid bodies on the periphery the horse eyelid behind my right eye brings iridescent visions the oblong edge’s mutation notated music scrawling across the sides then down as I move my head oh to billow in a boutique hotel write in gold leaf on the roof a small disturbance of luxury I dreamed for myself that has come twice once camping on the Pacific coast for three months then the terrifying jump into motherhood the two are ligaments how do I even get started I slouch in my chair I refuse alchemy I refuse the monster’s philosophy I refuse my position on the spectrum and I am stopped it is a Sunday Monday with a Seroquel hangover I cannot bear the stupor the zombie of it to not move is to be a ruined space

Sit lotus in the chair normalize go through the motions yesterday I thought obsessively about death about aging about my son his well being about being stuck about failure as a writer I know I have it in me but poetry needs health it's not an easy business it's not swimming where I dive in and let water take me every single time I want to be finished with the Henry ordeal what kind of thing is it to think of your own work as an ordeal I have blackened bananas and buttermilk this is normal walk to the kitchen pour water in the blue kettle this is normal put the blue kettle on the fire this is normal put the teacup on the counter put one bag of tea in the cup this is normal this is human easy wait for the kettle’s screech see how normal how human I am pour boiling water in the cup this is normal set the timer for five minutes this is normal wait in the wait in the wait in the waiting normal is more difficult map it out here

Almost human
Almost human
Almost

I called unemployment again this morning and spoke to the robot who told me we are all waiting for the senate to come a decision about extending unemployment I fell into that black hole after all so I will wait along with everyone else

I have two weeks of pay left

Henry said do you have any Keebler Elves or peanut butter crackers or Kellogg items in the clappboards you’d better throw them away I asked why from the deep down of my bed the fog and deep down salmonella poisoning in every one with a secret hidden hiccup in his voice I lied I have nothing of the sort in my clappboards I was immediately Tipi Hedren on the set of an Alfred Hitchcock movie a ladder in my stocking something weird inside my hair I have forgotten my lines and I’m going to be in trouble come here come here roll on top of me Henry said let's build a fort of our bodies your peanut butter crackers are safe as milk which is never safe not for me or Tipi Hedren who knows better now with her animal preserve and perfectly coiffed hair the fog is thick enough I could throw a ball into it and it would not accept its trajectory it would simply hover like a bad prop from a janitor’s closet at Universal Studios


I opened the side yard curtains to watch the rain someone laughing in the other room insistent as an economics teacher and I think translation I think transliteration like sitting around somebody's living room in Los Angeles or St. Paul or Salt Lake talking about a friend in physics the National Guard outside and you force it into its own skin I want to liberate my furniture except for my antique table my child size roll top desk and my bookshelves I want a shimmering black dress so I close my mouth with my fingers just when I was beginning to think it was too much do what you fucking want I slide my knuckles back and forth across my sunburned skin my sunburned lips which make kissing unbearable the high point of yesterday was scrubbing my bathtub with baking soda and distilled white vinegar and now it's safe for the cats who think it's the jungle's watering hole

My head is full of butterscotch pudding

Dis

Gusting

I don't belong here

Strange goings on today televisions walk in and out the door pills spew from the cat’s mouth here take your medicine fox at the door yip yips pit bull chews a piece of Wonder Bread the skull of a boar on the table the boy reaches through a hole in his bathroom floor the door is open the window is open the toilet gapes the medicine cabinet is open the shower curtain is open foxes in the basement yip yip yip a terrible sound worse than coyotes worse than the school bus tipped on its side she rests on the floor listening a chirp a whistle pills everywhere perhaps she murdered her husband buried him beneath the floor under the patch of carpet the darker patch the new patch the patch she fingers with tenderness steam rolls under the house light beams shoot everywhere from the eyes of a stuffed pheasant her palms the school bus tipped on its side nothing comes from the sky a pregnant 15 year old stands in a child’s wading pool stroking her great belly her younger brother lolls on the grass there is joy in the garbage dump the stuffed fox on alert tail quivering there are strange goings on tonight light and steam pours from the holes in the floor the school bus tipped on its side the ravaged garden I can fix this I can fix this

I am dead but in my corporeal body invisible to everyone except my son even dead I worry about my inability to keep a clean house I took off one of my diamond earrings pressed it into his hand and while I am neither upset nor surprised to be dead I still cry

I am a leaky meat bag
I am a leaky meat bag
I am a leaky meat bag
I am a leaky meat bag
I am a leaky meat bag
I am a leaky meat bag
I am a leaky meat bag


When I'm not actually looking in these notebooks I hide them from myself

Friday, August 10, 2018

Dear Darklings,

I miss writing here but it interferes with my work now my terrible breathless amazing race to the finish line I have hired an editor to do some fine tuning on my mss working almost every day (yesterday I dug potatoes out of the ground and picked some tomatoes then sat in the bath tub and cried for an hour then ate half a brick of cheddar cheese) when I am not working here at my desk or digging in the dirt or rolling around with the feral kittens I am embroidering I have gone back to the Black Milk project I started a few years ago I have one new piece and one half piece the embroidery keeps my hands going while my brain stays lodged in finishing Queer Wing-ed I will be back in September soon soon I'm posting parts of my mss that I have left out of the finished copy pieces I love but that don't fit for one reason or another it's all I can talk about now it's been all I have been talking about for almost ten years

Love


Black Milk 3
pink embroidery floss, yarn, cocktail napkin, blood 





Dear Henry,

I was inside an old Pentecostal church where cakes were being auctioned I tried to buy a perfect tiny orange cake for you I told the auctioneer I have three dollars but the auctioneer said sorry this cake is fifty dollars I stuffed a giant wooden crucifix into my suitcase I sat in a chair smoked a cigar what are you doing here



*


Dear Henry,

you and my cat were bit by a scorpion a terrible deathly bite I had to choose who to save because I didn’t have enough money for two doctors I chose my cat the three of us drove onto the Nestucca ferry landing a long uphill ramp when we got to the top the ferryman said you had to pay him five dollars then we went down another long ramp onto the boat then drove on to another ramp going up again and the ferryman said you had to pay him five dollars and you handed him a huge five dollar bill painted on severely creased paper with mimeograph ink and water colors the ferryman said THAT IS NOT REAL MONEY my car slid backward down the ramp out of control my foot was crushed ached sharp its own scorpion bite



*


Dear Henry,

we were sitting in your yard when Violet turned to me and said I want a huge rabbit I jumped in my red Nancy Drew convertible and headed out in the rain as I drove the road disappeared I jumped into a powerboat on the ocean big waves rolled no sign of the city I kept my foot on the gas turned a corner there was a pet store with crates holding giant rabbits I looked in each crate to make sure they were open so the rabbits wouldn't drown the store owner said your life vest is too loose he tried to tighten it then said I’m sorry you're too small as I examined each rabbit the first had a sad disfigured face with one eyeball down near his throat the other rabbits were okay I was in a hurry but not hurrying I let the disfigured rabbit swim away then I saw a rabbit with markings like a Siamese cat a deep chocolate colored head and a white body with chocolate feet I held him and kissed his head then let him swim away remembering how you mistreated your dog finally I found a rabbit for Violet gray with long fur and eyes like God he looked at me with such love

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Dear Darklings,

I will return soon I owe your delicious comments answers today I am taking advantage of cool temps and light rain to work work hard toward my September deadline but for now have a peek at this fantastic sock monkey lady that Mary Mood made with her own hands can you even believe it I have wanted one my entire life always wanted one what a gift


Tuesday, July 31, 2018

65



Saturday, July 28, 2018

Hello from The Big Fog

Dear Darklings,

I am writing to you from the Oregon coast deep at the ocean’s heart on the edge of wild in a month of Julys drinking hotel coffee in a fluffy robe listening to the ebb bubble and flow of waves I have not been away only sunk into my work into my book for the entire month dancing with completion full of joy there is so much I want to tell you and I will soon I promise but two things now before I rassel me  up some breakfast

Happy Birthday to Mary Moon who is a beacon in my pinched little persimmon of a heart we spoke on the telephone this morning and it was so easy I felt I had known her my whole life and I have I am sorry my connection kept cutting out Mary it is iffy here always but you are not

I met Scott and Yolie they came to Summer’s End oh oh oh Scott’s eyes shoot out beams of light he is amazing sees everything and I could not keep a secret from him not ever and Yolie made me feel shy and loved and beautiful these people their energy is remarkable they were my second visitors ever I played my violin for them but completely flubbed it because I took an Ativan before they arrived because I am not accustomed to human interaction and for that I am a little bit embarrassed but I did not feel judged by them not for one hot second and I am forever changed by our meeting

Love for now tomorrow is my birthday and I aim to play in the sand and eat ice cream

XOR


Tuesday, July 3, 2018

therefore I will not write that today on the hottest day of the year I stood barefoot in a black and yellow daisy printed dress in my kitchen and ate a half pint of hand-dipped butter pecan ice cream shot through with thick caramel ribbons

Pig and farm report


this is going to be quick because I have just swung out of a month long depression that ate up most of June but there is my July table laden with apples cherries figs (!!!) strawberries road eggs peaches and my aloe vera the tea towels are on the chairs to protect their varnish from kitten-to-cat claw and scratch marks Hal and Wolfie are now too big to hold with one hand they are almost at three months in fact they may be a couple days over three months Hal is a talker like Jupiter he has a delicious purr-mert-meow that is amazing Wolfie is smarter faster and still somewhat shy of course she is smarter as she is the female that's just how it is the garden is growing luscious because of one solid week of rain the book work continues apace I had to drive to downtown Seattle to see DOGNURSE last week and to my everlasting horror she asked me how much weight I had lost what my exact weight was and tried to get me to step on her scale which appeared out of nowhere in her office this appalling bit of nonsense harkens back to my terrible mother whose obsession with my body continued until my last conversation with her DOGNURSE has also in the past called me hey skinny and even that worried me she is NOT my general physician has never been and my eating disorder(s) have been evident out there for the world to see etc since the beginning why now that I am healthy is she prying so much it is awful and invasive and it tipped me upside down and punched the breath out of me I gave her a fake number for my weight and she wrote it in her notebook WHAT THE FUCK just seriously I am still overweight it's not like I have anorexia I told her firmly that I don't weigh myself that my physician does it I am seriously still staggered by this and I need to find a new psychiatrist immediately and cut her loose with no explanation I have been cautious about this since I met Mustafa who told me I would outgrow my bipolar disease and refused to give me my meds still I can't take any more of her bullshit

in other news yesterday was the first lifting of this heavy depression and I sat outside in the sun or inside with the kittens or outside in the sun reading Lauren Groff's Florida straight through the way I tend to read in summer especially in July a great book of short stories a Florida I recognize from Mary Moon's writing recommended! and in between my reading I baked two baguettes drove to the beach and watered the garden

hello Darklings!
I have missed you all

here is a mess of kittens a pile of cats a soft intelligent heap of warm goodness


Saturday, June 23, 2018

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm so glad you get to rest under the mountain! It has been spectacular here weather wise though it's ten degrees cooler here on the island than it is in the city. Still my arms and legs are already tanned and I  am a pasty pasty girl.

Love
Rebecca
Dear Joanne,

Happy Summer my friend. It's almost July which means my birthday month is almost here and of course the entire month is mine. I am a summer person through and through. And a Leo. Last night I kissed all three of the kittens and whispered your name in their ears so they know you now. They are Leos too naturally. This morning Prince Hal discovered that he can jump as high as the kitchen counter where he ate Jupiter's one allotted teaspoon of wet food. She retaliated by running in here and eating several gobbles of Prince Hal's dry kitty food. Hal has huge long back feet. He's going to be tall and lanky. Wolf's face is soft and white and in certain light she looks like one of the gray aliens with her huge glowing eyes. She will be the one to probe us

Love
Rebecca

Friday, June 22, 2018

WhoTF Lives Like This?

Go listen to the amazing new podcast by Elizabeth Aquino and Jason Lehmbeck I just listened through and I'm stunned.
Dear Elizabeth,

Oh god I’m so sorry to hear about your pup awful and added grief to the grief we are forced to live with daily. Thank you for writing what you did about this mss or mess. It took me a long time to figure out how I wanted to present it in full but once I started working with Shanna Compton and Elisabeth Workman in the Slack platform getting encouragement from them hearing yes! I want to read more! from them it finally coalesced. And I haven’t even shown them the poems yet the part of the mess I feel secure about. I have set September as a deadline for myself which is completely doable since everything is already written. I just have to puzzle it together. I think of you every day every day and read your blog constantly. I will figure out this blog fuckery soon but right now I’m too deep into QW to be able to concentrate on it.

Love to you all I’ll wave at Whidbey for you from my beach today
Rebecca

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Barbara,
It is a miracle to me the way Jupiter has taken these feral beasties under her elegant care she baths them and plays with them and watches when they are being goofy with their wee needle claws. I have been barreling in with two women writers I trust and admire so finally there are other eyebulbs on my mss not all of it but the parts I need to flesh out heaven

Love
Hope you are well
💗 
Rosemarie, you darling one, were the one who sparked me into valuing my research enough to include it in this manuscript also meeting you was such a gift your support and strength and realness.
Love
Rebecca

ps. I gave you two of my allotted ten commas in my lifetime.
Joanne,

I’m making Rice Crispy Treats for LUNCH and they won’t have time to cool in the pan also doubling the recipe

Love
Rebecca
❤️ 
stress eating for two
maybe three
I just had third breakfast
I can’t wait for elevenses 
Mary, absolutely he was I asked him! her name is Crystal
you have inspired me to sew again starting with embroidery I have been so busy with everything but I envy your fabrics and the beautiful dresses you create

and the sock monkeys!

I have wanted a sock monkeys my life entire

love (and solid hugs)

rebecca

Solstice

good morning from the blacktail forest Darklings it is Solstice and the world is in crisis I have such a strong feeling that something is going to break soon break wide open that change is roiling down the pike at a rapid speed good change positive change I have been working on my hybrid manuscript hard down lately I have divided Queer Wing-ed into three parts the first part is my research and notes about how I entered this how I managed about losing my job and working through that the second second section is letters I wrote to Henry Darger for the past nine years I never posted them here they were a way for me to attempt seeing all sides a 360 view and the last section are the poems I have been in the garden I have been outside I have been reading I have been relaxing on the deck just thinking about my work I have to take a psychic time out today reading perhaps embroidering quiet inside and out it is cloudy for the first time in weeks it seems the kittens are already growing so fast but kittens still Jupiter is the best mother cat I've ever seen may your soul and your heart find peace today here is a picture of my beloved son I think you'll be able to spot him

love


Thursday, June 14, 2018


Dear Darklings,

I am going to take back bloggity in my own way which means I am going to answer your comments right here an inverse advice column if you will which means no advice at all I am tired of all the blogfuckery here are some deer for you to look at while I get coffee good morning ha the only things that M$ taught me were that there is always a workaround and credit cards can fuck you up for years

happy summer!
almost

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

fuckitall but I still cannot post on any blogs not even my own not on my mac or my pc dammit all to fucking hell I tried all three posting options including the dreaded anon but no joy I'm going to have to go in and figure out why new booger wants me to fail good morning and hello from the forest where it's been summer for days the beans and peas are amazing the strawberries are full tiny and incredibly sweet and cats run over me if I stand still for more than a minute going to town love

Wolfie


Saturday, June 9, 2018

it is amazing to watch Jupiter with the kittens
she lolls about the outer outer room with me and when the kittens wake up she walks up to them sniffs their behinds so she knows who is who then puts her giant front leg around their necks and starts bathing them oh god

I have not been able to take a photo of it if I move the kits startle but oh god seriously it is adorable

I wrote for an hour this morning but not on Queer Wing-ed I'm still going to reward myself by binge-watching Patrick Melrose here in an hour I am almost finished reading the fourth novel it by far surpasses the first three the growth in Edward St Aubyn's writing by Mother's Milk is remarkable I didn't recognize it the first time I read the novels probably because I was still learning (am still learning will always be learning) to be a writer

I have one half flat of strawberries left

xo


Pig and farm report

I'm not able to post comments to my blog or to anyone elses' blogs not even on my mac as of today this is frustrating as hell as I can't pinpoint the culprit though I suspect it's Krapersky which I just updated on both my computers which is expensive I'm not even sure I can post here at this moment I hope so we had a delicious storm this morning and now it is sunny and raining both the owls sang along the forest for hours  and one swooped right by my window the second I've seen up close this week I stayed in bed reading and playing with all three of the kittens yesterday I worked on Queer Wing-ed (editing) for an hour and then thought I had lost thirty poems because I couldn't find them on the private blog where I posted them but it turns out I stopped posting there in 2015 today I will go in with the hard copy poems and order them that way it makes me nostalgic for the long ago days when I had a beloved typewriter that never required any more attention than changing the ribbon and an electrical outlet and before that just the ribbon but not really

yesterday I went to the farmers market and bought myself some peonies because I refuse to pick my own the peonies are pink and white and fragrant I also bought a flat and a half of strawberries some spring onions and a small piece of fresh farmer's cheese from a farm in Mount Vernon today I am going to write for an hour and later I will make strawberry jam

I wish I could tell you how it is inside here where the sun and rain make the air velvet where the softest imaginable kitty curls into a fist on my chest and calms my breathing where Jupiter rules the moon and teaches her babies how to hunt and cover their food bowls with whatever is handy where my son is freshly in love so much so that he can't think of anything else I wish I could describe my happy and my well being

I am sending out waves of good fortune and love to you Darklings I hope you hear me though electricity wages its tiny stinging war against my finger and Beethoven speckles the light


Friday, June 8, 2018

I can't tell if it's blogger or windows or my pc or kaspersky that makes it now impossible to post comments to my own gd blog I can do it fine on my mac which also has kaspersky freshly renewed and I would have gone elsewhere if there were elsewhere to go the fact that I can post on my mac makes me suspect windows and I am so sick of it and I refuse to install windows on my mac a machine that runs without hiccups but grrr grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Mary Moon writes eloquently and beautifully about Anthony Bourdain here

Pig and farm report

Dear Darklings it feels like I have been gone forever but I am deep in the pudding editing again Queer Wing-ed this time with the help of Prolifiko which is a great program and is free for the time being in beta superb especially if you have a big writing project going it works on a system of setting goals then breaking the goals into smaller steps then rewarding yourself for completing the steps (this is exactly how I teach violin lessons to children and why I never figured it out for myself is beyond me) and with that program and my small writing group yesterday I reached the halfway point I am not editing the poems themselves but cleaning up superscript circles and right angle arrows and making sure all my lines end in pilcrows weird stuff that if left can make editors hate me or so I imagine I have the original folder of poems which was once chronological which is how I intended the mss to read but when I updated my computer to Windows 10 the poems showed up in Word in alphabetical order GAHHHHHHHHH! so I am beginning a new manuscript and using my Queer Wing-ed blog to catch the proper order Prolifiko helps to manage all this and the founders are supportive and make me feel like I'm an actual person not just a number once they go public I will certainly sign on but enough about all that I have had to turn the sound off all my devices to get through this editing process as I am Pavlov's salivating dog when it comes to beeps and whistles except I'm listening to podcasts and books on cd as I go because it's all right brain stuff my small writing group are my cheerleaders it has been so long since I've had a writing community I am smitten

in other news the kittens are no longer feral they are in the world (house) at large now and have had their second round of vaccinations I spend a lot of time tumbling around with them and Jupiter is being a superb mother cat to them I knew she would be she now sings her rare song to find them in the morning and she gives them baths and is teaching them to hunt most recently moths outside through the window

this morning I woke to the news about Anthony Bourdain and I knew I had to shut away from Twitter today there is a storm coming up I can feel and hear it though the weather report just calls for wind nevertheless trout I have opened my windows to let the storm praise come in I have lit a candle for Anthony I have made a pot of coffee and it is time to go back into it

I no longer receive emails when one of you comments nor can I enter my blog through the home page blogger is aware of the email problem but I don't know about the other every system I work in has tightened its security measures on account of the massive FB FU that's it for now Darklings I will be back to our regularly scheduled program as soon as I finish this edit of my book onward and upward

Love and kittens


Tuesday, June 5, 2018


Monday, June 4, 2018

The Whale's Tale Newport Oregon 1976



heading out to get my Sufi heart tattoo re-inked when I return I will tell you how much I love you


Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Pig and farm report

faster than light Prince Hal and Wolf day nine

my brain is full of garden sky deer bunnies ice cream editing hikes beach combing sun bathing eating outside corn on the cob reading unferaling the kittens who are no longer sequestered in the bathroom and are fully integrated into the bedroom and it is wonderful to have my beautiful bathroom back except at night when the kitties go back in so Jupiter can continue to sleep with me and wake with me pressing her head hard against my head purring both kitties asleep on me now for the first time now bye

100% full

This is the Porch Swing Full Beam Feral Bream moon

Friday, May 25, 2018


Wolfie (I call her Wolfgang though her name is Wolf)


I bought a beautiful soft gray kitty bed with a rounded edge for them to sleep in I bought catnip mice and official noisy balls on string and a catnip carrot with feathers and all manner of kitten goodness and of course they choose the shoebox in which to sleep and for toys it's toilet paper seashells the three heavy books I placed over the heater vent so their tiny paws wouldn't go through the bathtub the shower curtain which is now in a corner in my bedroom since they pulled it down and  of course climbing upon each other Wolfie keeps heading for the door so soon they will be allowed access to my bedroom their next big space 

okay they were allowed access just a few minute ago Wolfie made the leap wandered around under my bed then ran back into the bathroom

I cannot cannot cannot watch the news
my son reports the news to me

it was good to see Weinstein being led from his home in handcuffs but he had a bigass smile on his face was carrying a book to read and now he has an ankle monitor that he has to wear around his eight billion dollar Connecticut house

I hope the orange nightmare is next

our country is in shambles
another school shooting this time at a middle school for fuck sake
a bombing in an Indian restaurant in Canada "they" are saying it is not a hate crime a homemade bomb in an Indian restaurant not a hate crime
seriously I cannot watch the news today

yesterday I went to the outlet mall because the hole in my old man waiting for a bus shoe finally grew big enough for my toes to plop out I bought the exact same pair again those shoes lasted for ten years even though the new shoes were on sale they were three times as expensive as they were when I bought my first pair they at least tossed in some free socks I stopped at a strip mall on the way home and discovered to my pure delight a little restaurant named (hilariously) Gyro Stop their falafel and hummus were outstanding almost almost east coast good it is near impossible to find healthy vegetarian options out here in meat country hell it is impossible to find unhealthy vegetarian options that was my day

Fridays are usually my Saturdays in my brain because after 40 years of factory work Friday was the day where looking forward was the best thing ever

Happy Friday Darklings I hope you find bliss inside the storm

Love

Friday May 25, 2013

The Surfer: Man his legs are skinnier than yours.
Me: WHAT?
The Surfer: You have really really really skinny legs and his legs are about seven inches skinnier than yours.
Me: WHO?
The Surfer: Julie's husband.
Me: He had hip replacement surgery and he's over two hundred years old!
The Surfer: Yeah he's lost some muscle tone.



Good morning Darklings 

Thursday, May 24, 2018

morning dance music:

Jefferson Airplane Volunteers

Pig and farm report



Wolf and Prince Hal day 4

in the mornings I write because if I don't start in right away I get frightened of my own material I have been busy with it not the poems but with Strangle Town I sit in bed hunched over my laptop and by ten AM my back aches this and the feral kittens I was not told they were feral until I picked them up but no worries it will just take a bit longer to get them accustomed to human they are getting braver by the minute and Prince Hal has discovered his voice he vocalizes more than Paris the Genius Cat ever did in his entire I can't help but think Paris inhabits Prince Hal as I am convinced cats do Wolf is the aggressor in this relationship she instigates everything she is forward she is always sitting on top of Prince Hal but Hal is the most affectionate to me at least they have completely taken over the master bathroom and that is fine by me it is A Okay oh lord Jupiter is faring well she stands at the door and watches kitten paws come shooting out at her I rub my hands all over her before I visit the kittens then rub her smell under their ultra sensitive whiskers then when I come out I play extra hard with Jupiter more attention than ever more love then I rub kitten smell under Jupiter's whiskers between the cats the garden and writing this has been a perfect so far (I tend to ignore spring as much as I can) and it feels like summer to me the radishes are in the strawberries are huge and green the roses are opening the iris are blooming the tomatoes are planted and stretching their legs savage spring its terrible engine pushes and lunges forward as it always does and I am happy


Wednesday, May 23, 2018

What's that noise? "We heard nothing."

Prince Hal


Wolf



Sunday, May 20, 2018

Meet Prince Hal and Wolfie


I went to the shelter and signed all the paperwork and adopted them this afternoon they are spending the night and I will pick them up tomorrow morning at 8 even though the shelter is closed on Mondays they are siblings litter mates brother and sister 8 weeks old Prince Hal has a little hiss but as soon as I picked him up he started purring Agnes of God Wolfie is milk-fat and calm she barely woke when I picked her up but purred I haven't had tiny kittens since Orlando and Paris (also sister and brother) were 12 weeks old these kitties have been neutered and spayed and chipped and have had their first rounds of shots oh lord oh lord I fell in love hard

I have been looking for a kitten to adopt this time a companion for Jupiter who clearly misses Orlando and for we humans as well I have been looking at the CASA website the shelter where I adopted Jupiter since April since that is when kittens appear much like lilacs I have yet to meet this kitten who is two months old but he whispered at me through this picture exactly as Jupiter did

my son will be here Wednesday (payday) and we're going to go say hello and if kitty doesn't gouge our eyebulbs out or turn out to be a small dog then he's going home with us

I have already named him though my son doesn't know it but I have already named him so without further ado meet

Prince Hal





Saturday, May 19, 2018

ta-da!


Still life with oranges


Creamsicle Cake

this is the cake I built today

I replaced the fresh orange juice with high quality frozen-then-thawed orange juice concentrate for both the cake and the glaze
I also dropped one drop literally one drop only of almond extract into the glaze because oranges and almonds marry so well I also added an extra 1/3 cup of sugar to the glaze and I'm going to warm it up over a double boiler so it becomes syrup not just sugar and orange juice bumping into each other

this cake is going to be amazing the frozen-then-thawed orange juice concentrate was a great addition I know this because I licked the bowl clean several times

all of the bowl
and then the spatulas

it tastes exactly like the creamsicle ice cream I loved as a child the kind I got in parochial school a small wax cup with vanilla ice cream on one side and orange sherbet on the other side these came with small paddle shaped wooden spoons that made me shiver when I bit into them

I didn't use my big mixer I never do for cakes I find it over beats them I used my hand mixer to cream the butter sugar and eggs but I gently stirred everything else by hand then toward the end by spatula

I know if I had used the juice from the actual oranges who gave their zest for Jesus  my cake the cake would have tasted like watered down faint maybe hint of orange and the zesty taste of zest I know the cake is the right consistency because I've made cake before

it's in the oven the quiche is out and now some of the quiche is in me

and now I wait

*


Creamsicle Cake

INGREDIENTS

FOR THE CAKE:
·         1 cup/225 grams unsalted butter (2 sticks), at room temperature, plus more for the pan
·         3 oranges, preferably organic
·         1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
·         3 cups/375 grams all-purpose flour
·         ½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt

·         2 cups/400 grams sugar
·         3 eggs, at room temperature
·         1 cup/235 milliliters buttermilk
FOR THE GLAZE:
·         ½ cup/120 milliliters fresh orange juice (Sunmaid Orange juice concentrate)
·         1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice + one TINY drop of almond oil
·          cup/66 grams sugar ( I added 2/3rds cup)
PREPARATION
Butter a deep, 9-inch round cake pan and line the bottom with parchment or wax paper. Heat the oven to 325 degrees.
2.      Finely grate the zest of the oranges into a bowl. Squeeze 3 tablespoons of juice from the oranges and add it to the zest. (Reserve remaining oranges for making glaze.) Stir in lemon juice and set aside.
3.      In a separate bowl, sift together flour, baking soda and salt.
In a mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter at medium speed until fluffy and light, 2 to 3 minutes. Add the sugar and beat to combine. Add the eggs, one at a time, mixing after each addition.

4.      At low speed, add a third of the dry ingredients and a third of the buttermilk, mixing until the batter is just combined. Repeat with remaining dry ingredients and buttermilk, adding in batches and mixing until just combined. Add the orange zest mixture and combine.
5.      Pour batter into the prepared pan. Bake until just firm in the center and a tester inserted into the center comes out clean (a few crumbs are O.K.), about 1 to 1 1/4 hours. Start testing after 1 hour.
6.      Meanwhile, make the glaze: Heat the juices and sugar over a double boiler until sugar dissolves.
7.      When the cake is done, let cool in the pan for 15 minutes (it will still be warm). Turn out onto a wire rack set on a sheet pan with sides (run a knife around the edges if it sticks at first).
8.      Peel off the paper and use a baster or brush to spread a few spoonfuls of the glaze over the top. Let soak in before adding more. Continue until all the glaze is absorbed by the cake, including any that drips through onto the sheet pan. (Use your brush to pick it up from the pan and transfer back to the top of the cake.)
9.      Let cool at room temperature. Eat immediately or wrap well in plastic and refrigerate. Serve at room temperature or cold, in thin slices.


last night I dreamed I looked out my kitchen window and saw that the potatoes had sprouted flowers that the flowers were turning brown which is a sign that the potatoes are ready for harvest I ran outside and knelt in the dirt and started digging up red and white potatoes then I dug up a small dead black bird which I placed on the deck

today is Dennis's funeral it began at 11 at the church
this morning I spoke to my son and to my son's best friend and I spoke through my son to Michael my other brother in law (married to Jim's sister Linda) who I knew before I even knew Jim who I have always adored who is now in a wheelchair and on oxygen because of damages to his body from Agent Orange in Vietnam where he served as a Green Beret

and cigarettes
and drugs

today is the worst day for me I watched the royal wedding and cried now I am crying for Dennis for my son for Michael for Jim for my brother for all of us

today is dark

I am of course baking because later tonight I will have my son and his best friend and their girlfriends but I would have been baking three headed dog no matter what I decided to make a quiche and also the orange cake but I ran over myself because I made my piecrust and put it in the freezer and realized that I only have one oven so the quiche is in everything for the cake is mise en place I washed up my mess-so-far I did not once get my apron tails in the toilet I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher

I have been listening to the talkie edition of American Gods all morning and now I am completely stopped

Royal moments I loved

the choir sining Ben. E. King's Stand by Me

when Harry was putting the ring on Meghan's finger she kind of booped it on herself just a tiny boop but it slayed me

Doria Ragland every second

Meghan’s hair had come loose by the time they walked out of Saint George's Chapel and she left it did not brush it off her face

the white horses oh the white horses

the hats all of them

Duchess of Despair


I was born for this
I was born to hustle roses down the avenues of the dead.
~ Charles Bukowski



Friday, May 18, 2018

Pig and farm report

yesterday I wandered wandered wrote and wandered then vacuumed then brought the garbage can in from the road where it wanted to run over my heels I finally emptied the dishwasher and filled it again I finally washed the clothes and put them in the dryer I ate beans then wrote into the night

I am going to bake this orange cake it looks delicious but I am going to use frozen orange juice concentrate in place of the actual orange orange juice on account of how weakly and sad oranges are here in not winter I tell myself I am baking this cake for my son who returns home tomorrow night and leaves again Sunday morning but that is a big old lie we all know it you know it I know it that cake will reside in my heart right next to the beans

now I am going to apply lipstick and go to the bakery and not get in trouble for coffee beans then to the library which is next door to the bakery which is next door to the coffee roasters then to the Bait & Tackle to find three decent or fairly decent or even crappy oranges for their zest

I do find it eccentric and odd that this island has its own coffee roasting company and its own French bakery but not a decent slice of pizza or much of anything else for that matter except of course the ocean and the forest

I have discovered a completely white horse here and when I pass her I scream UNICORN in my outside voice

I rinsed my hair with vinegar a few minutes ago it helps tame the well water effect and yes yes I do smell like an Easter egg



Love
Here then are excerpts from a section of Strangletown

*
Dear Henry,

you said you knew what it's like inside but you lied


under a bank of lights men and women moved rapidly covered  me with warm sheets I chose to stay awake in spite of being betrayed perhaps a saintly height there was a knock we were under arrest Frances the kids the bookie hand-on-chest heroics I wore dark rimmed glasses showered every morning and every night you never satisfied my obsession with truth or learned to cook a lye-laced Bon Ami shot at best and drunk without books enthusiastic about my portraits and my magneto giant vulpine loping and scratching in the muddy crawl space under your precious floorboards

*
Dear Henry,

I keep dreaming little dreams and in each dream I am being chastised I spent a lifetime being chastised so I wake up in my dream if you are pulling my hair questioning how I tend my animals reminding me of your fierce life your sweet addictions your chambers your lighthouse I think I have it figured out but I don’t even have my own lungs figured out much less the architecture of the universe the meaning of the cigar smoke I smell at the oddest times or why that damned black bear swam across the sound wandered around on the beach then visited a suburban neighborhood before he ran across the freeway only to get hit by an unsuspecting driver and how that driver must have felt seeing the bear out of nowhere I swell up in my head and my eyes push out like turnips I wrote my phone number on the inside of a red matchbook but the phone doesn’t ring you are feral I am feral I keep my legs crossed at the ankle and my arms inside the ride at all times but it’s tricky it’s tricky and it seeps out into my pungent reality I can’t see around that big curve of earth and up the mud-soaked red clay road I can’t remember what I promised or why the irises refuse to bloom though they are packed tight in their green dresses packed so tight and hard they burn purple lips crisping at their edges

*
Dear Henry,

I am mindless no belief in angels barely sentient immobile and singular it’s Sunday I can hear the veins of the rational world everyone in a dream is also dreaming the milk hour the gaunt hour the childrens' hour I need to dream around the planetary tides here on the border everything is exposed malignant blind without direction you walk in the river measuring my attention the contrails of dreams the complicated earth instead of the one I love

*
Dear Henry,

my friend brought me a bear and I lived with the bear in my house and we were quite happy the bear and I then my friend came back and told me he had to chop off the bear's paws and I would have to eat them I sucked the meat out of one paw and I was disgusted and filled with grief now I'm eating an avocado that tastes like fifty-five acres of California heartland it tastes like Frida Kahlo's dream of having a baby it tastes like sugar and sweet-grass and cream and butter and cotton bed sheets dried on a clothes-line in the hot sun and it tastes of the cornfields that spread across Illinois this avocado came into my hands like Jesus on a bender I'm not kidding

*
Dear Henry,

I was inside an old pentecostal church where cakes were being auctioned I tried to buy a perfect tiny orange cake for you I told the auctioneer I have three dollars but the auctioneer said sorry this cake is fifty dollars I stuffed a giant wooden crucifix into my suitcase I sat in a chair smoked a cigar
what are you doing here

*
Dear Henry,

in Chicago my son was in jail you had been abducted by aliens and recently returned you said wear the green dress which I kicked under the bed Violet’s car broke down and I placed round tables covered with white cloths embroidered with Napoleon’s royal bee crest up and down Webster Avenue summer undulated my hair a blond tangle of sweat my feet were buried in hot asphalt and the heat rose up through my body like a kundalini picnic all set about with fever trees now a pure god a nasty little salamander lives with you in my heart

*
Dear Henry,

you and my cat were bit by a scorpion a terrible deathly bite I had to choose who to save because I didn’t have enough money for two doctors I chose my cat the three of us drove onto the Nestucca ferry landing a long uphill ramp when we got to the top the ferryman said you had to pay him five dollars then we went down another long ramp onto the boat then drove on to another ramp going up again and the ferryman said you had to pay him five dollars and you handed him a huge five dollar bill painted on severely creased paper with mimeograph ink  and water colors the ferryman said THAT IS NOT REAL MONEY and my car slid backward down the ramp out of control my foot was crushed ached sharp its own scorpion bite

*
Dear Henry,

I confine little I confine very little I confine everything I tell the truth I am a liar I write the truth I tell nothing I have forgot last night Violet and I played the game I wrote of it here sad and stupid I am tired of you being Jesus scraping your spoon against your bowl sucking your fingers putting your fingers in your nose sucking them you are a disgusting dangerous Jesus and a bully you’re angry because you did not ascend (again) screech screech scrapes your spoon as you attempt to get every single droplet of cheese out of your bowl I listen to Beethoven so loud my hair cells bend to their knees screech screech srapes your spoon Jesus no one asks you to stop your noise stop putting your fingers in your nose then your mouth then touching doors that I touch in another locked room I need to remember how to be a good writer I am afraid it is slipping away from me I am afraid of forgetting how I am sad I have forgot

Thursday, May 17, 2018

psps.

All Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace

I like to think (and
the sooner the better!)
of a cybernetic meadow
where mammals and computers
live together in mutually
programming harmony
like pure water
touching clear sky.
I like to think
(right now, please!)
of a cybernetic forest
filled with pines and electronics
where deer stroll peacefully
past computers
as if they were flowers
with spinning blossoms.
I like to think
(it has to be!)
of a cybernetic ecology
where we are free of our labors
and joined back to nature,
returned to our mammal
brothers and sisters,
and all watched over
by machines of loving grace.

~ Richard Brautigan