A post with swears a recipe and my cheating heart

I ran as fast as I could through the warm California morning but it wasn’t exactly morning it was night and the sky was on fire here in the manufactured awful of country my radical imagination fizzles like a dying star in a warm glass of cherry Kool-Aid oh precious drink of my youth one packet of horse and pig hooves plus two cups of sugar please haha do you think it’s any different now I watched a woman rise from Port Susan with a heron on her head imagine her bite marks her majesty hallelujah buttercup just when we thought it could get better a woman to lead us!

 Now we know panic tastes like blood nickels and shame I sat down and wept I am ashamed of sitting down the fearstink the man with the m*ga hat and pro-guns signs all over his house his don’t tread on me piss yellow flag dangling from his deck he was having trouble under his hood I have jumper cables in my trunk maybe I should have stopped and offered to help but I didn’t want to black snake black snake curling on the ground  I’ve seen you bad idea man suspicious among women and children the elderly and insane I’m tired of the stink panic coppery but so creamy and smooth it could be on tv maybe hate makes your hair shiny and soft maybe your goddamn christ can tell children to rise up and walk but I won’t step a timid goddamn foot in that river even if jesus flies around my mouth fuck the sinners fuck the saints music boiled the last lamby lamb sir I am not who you think I am and I was a car salesman’s daughter I know how to take care of my own car my own house and my own uterus

I have to breath into the vasovagal nerve here I have to rent my garments spoon out my eyes like Saint Lucy but first I have to check on my triple chocolate sourdough bread (recipe to follow) pick it up and slap it back down over and over like an enflamed toe I know thee well dig my fingers in and chant we’re not going to take it never did and never will we’re not gonna take it gonna break it gonna shake let’s forget it better still sometimes The Who glides under my fingers as I type more often than you’d think these days how I’d love to play the drums like Keith Moon on the skins of AmeriKKKa’s so called leaders

None of this is what I was going to write about I want to write about being married vs not being married I was married twice and in serious relationships two other times in all these relationships and marriages I was unfaithful and I was unfaithful because it was the quickest way I could see to end the marriages and the others

I know many women will see me as being a harridan which is word so old that not even AI recognizes it or whatever horrible words unfaithful women are called now cheaters I supposed with their own tv show I was never bossy (well maybe a little) or belligerent I never cheated with a married man I loved all the men I loved I just could not stand the suffocation of being married or in a long term relationship it was always so good until the ring slid onto my finger in my second marriage the ring was gold that my father got by trading his dentist a car for some solid gold nuggets (my father could sell anyone a car even with a mouth full of dental tools) I loved that gold ring but a week after I got married my finger broke out under the ring with terrible fiery hives and I could never wear again it later much later I hawked it for much less than it was worth and bought pot with the money sometimes I think I should have given the ring to my then young son but he can have his father’s matching ring which I’ve heard he sometimes still wears (ucky right?) I was married to him for 8 years or so but I was wildly in love with another man for 6 of those years a tall thin man with a red Harley Davidson upon which he gave me rides home from work up until I was pretty much nine months pregnant

I’m curious if all this history changes what you think of me I hope not but I don’t know many of you in the actual world so what you think won’t change me or make me any less happy to live out my days a single non-married woman falling in love willy nilly any time I want

One thing I want to write about is how quickly this country is changing its attitudes toward women and how weird that when I bought this house 8 years ago I had sign the papers Rebecca Loudon an Unmarried Woman now I wonder if I’ll still have a vote it seems we’re all training for a new type of marathon here at the zero hour end of the world bar and grill

Thanks for reading Darklings.

 

Triple Chocolate Espresso Sourdough Bread brought to you by the Becky Crocker Kitchens

·         500 grams bread flour

·         420 grams warm water

·         150 grams lively sourdough starter

·         75 grams coco powder sifted

·         25 grams good quality extra virgin olive oil

·         4 teaspoons vanilla bean paste

·         2 teaspoons espresso powder

·         75 grams brown sugar

·         15 grams kosher salt

·         165 grams good quality (NOT tollhouse please they don’t like to melt) mixed dark and milk chocolate chips

Mix the warm water with the vanilla bean paste, espresso powder, brown sugar, olive oil and starter with your hand until it comes together and looks brown and yucky (believe me it is not yucky). Toss in the bread flour and sifted coco powder and mix it with a spoon or a hard plastic spatula until it starts to come together. Don’t put it in your mixer please at this point it can easily get over mixed. Just stick your wet hand on in there (come on you know you want to do it) and start to squeeze making sure all the dry spots get a spritz of water. I use a little spray bottle for this bread because that coco powder is so dry.

At this point I am going to direct you to your favorite search engine to learn how to make sourdough bread. It’s best to have pictures. I tried to write out the whole method but I was getting tired and was making up words and it got garbled and knotted up. Just remember to pick off any chocolate chips on top of your dough before you turn it upside down into its banneton or bowl. Those suckers burn. I bake this monster loaf in a Dutch oven at 500 degrees for 20 minutes with the lid on then I lower the heat to 450 degrees (because again, sugar burns) take off the lid and bake it for 20 minutes.