plunge

for the past few days I've been thinking about opening my blog again but I continued  to resist because I feel so peaceful (mostly in truth I feel peaceful as long as I don't consider the current state of politics which is impossible to ignore) I feel guilt for my happiness I am not sure I know how to own happiness or if I will ever truly own it or accept it into my heart like Jesus I don't even know if I'm still a writer I have finished Queer Wing-ed but I have zero desire to see it published right now though I printed it all up and stuck it in one of my bathroom drawers which Jupiter opens every few days as if to remind me I am waiting for that desire to find me inside my routine of waking reading drinking coffee reading working in the kitchen garden reading swimming in the lake reading going to the beach cooking reading canning practicing Bach on the deck reading these summer things that always fill me with such easy joy I have become so simple in my happiness in my pursuit of happiness that I think my writing here might turn out to be stale or silly or plain or boring but I feel autumn at night now around 7 pm cool breezes come in my bedroom window bracing even on hot days and the garden is crazy fecund giving me cucumbers and tomatoes and zucchini and tiny gnarled fingerling potatoes and radishes and my herb garden is giving up my wild strawberries too have finished and this morning I washed my quilts because I am preparing inside I have a pantry full of canned cherries and salsa verde and dilly beans and sweet pickles and blackberry jam and yesterday I made vegetable soup but I want to put the canner away now I am ready to paint the house's guts to curl up in front of the fire to prepare for my trip to NY in October to learn easy to learn content to banish worry

I have serious flirtations going on with at least three men on the island there are so many men my age who are interested in relationships who knew?! but I feel unloveable still and inside of that I believe that I have to isolate myself from humans even more fiercely as my mental illness progresses and makes me unpredictable which is a kind way to put it

I made salsa verde with tomatillos which I grew and I put the tomatillos and garlic and onion and cilantro and one serrano pepper in my fancyassed blender and the blender wouldn't turn on so I carried it to all the outlets in my kitchen testing then I tested those outlets with another appliance and all the outlets were working so I fretted over having to call Vitamix and complain and I ended up putting the salsa in small batches in my tiny cup-sized Cuisinart (I have never used an adult Cuisinart) and made it in batches then after I was done with all that I called my son who actually uses the blender frequently and asked him if he broke it and he reminded me that there is an on/off switch on the side of the blender...remember two summers ago when I was sewing a dress and I couldn't figure out how to get Alice's sewing machine to work and I had to call her on Labor Day and ask and she told me did you plug it in? yes

like that

it smells like the beets are done roasting I'm making them for lunch with whipped goat cheese a recipe I read in the NY Times a few days ago

hello Darklings
I've missed you
love from Summer's End