Saturday, June 26, 2021

Pig and farm report


I drove to the state park this morning and stood ankle deep in the Saratoga Passage until saltwater rose back up into my body the kundalini climb snake energy righting my blood righting my little boat. It was already 89 degrees. When I got home my son was standing in front of the open freezer holding Jupiter up like a cartoon baby lion so she could have a bit of breeze. He came back from the orchard because it was 114 degrees. We ordered lunch from the Mexican restaurant and put it on my credit card and brought it home credit because I am so close to payday and because of the dentist. I’ve written here about my weird shame in facing dentists dental work that soft highway of the throat that holds secrets big and small. My dental issues stem from my childhood abuse. My dental issues stem from my lack of dental insurance from lack of money. My dental issues stem from raw fear due to a few terrifying cheap dental close calls. My dental issues stem from shame at how horrible this current iteration of my mouth is my child mouth my wagging pink tongue its own shameful animal. I told new dentist call me Dr. Matt like a hometown chiropractor that I was glad when we all started wearing masks so I could talk to people and laugh without covering my mouth with my hand. I told my son tonight that I’m looking forward to the time when I can see my smile again. It used to be such a shiny beacon in my wild head. My teeth were bright mirrors. My smile was my high beams and I could disarm a man at 40 paces with its blinding light. I have been to call me Dr. Matt twice so far once for partial X-rays the second time for some gruesome oral surgery. I go back on September 2. I keep remembering if you want to change go through a door. I spent so many years being moved from place to place like a numb horse. It’s time for me now to allow unexpected joy to allow the smallest ecstasy.









5 Comments:

Blogger Elizabeth said...

This is phenomenal. Dentists are such strange people (apologies to any of your readers who are dentists). I have a student who wants to be a dentist because he was born without incisors. Even now, he doesn't have them and it's a weird reverse wolf-effect.

June 26, 2021 at 10:19 PM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

You absolutely nailed the way I feel about doctors and my secrets.
Shit. It's like you live inside my head sometimes.
The smallest ecstasies are the ones I live for. You are smart and brave to recognize those small and unexpected joys.

June 27, 2021 at 6:36 AM  
Blogger Linda Sue said...

SMILE, baby1 smile, Knock them all dead! One of the many reasons I love England is that they unashamedly smile opening their gapping head holes - their straggly brown pegs rattling around- without inhibition. I married my dentist, the best in the universe, pretty sure.
My childhood dentist was brutal, I thought that was just the way it was with dentists, sadistic...I was wrong, so i married it!
Loving how your son is so thoughtful.

June 27, 2021 at 8:07 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

oh let the horse out the door. open open open. dentists are made of guilt through and through. and sticky candies. i finally felt better about 10 years ago, when i realized i had them all fooled. hahahahahaha!

June 27, 2021 at 12:16 PM  
Blogger 37paddington said...

I too am in a dentistry passage, a new crown in the back of my head, and it is always nervewracking, the dentistry chronicles, and it's an ugly class thing, teeth, because it's so expensive to get anything done at the dentist and so many people can't afford it, or go into debt so they can smile their high beam smile. We will hang in there, do what we must, what we can afford. I love you.

June 28, 2021 at 12:12 PM  

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