Pig and farm report

Yesterday I celebrated myself which is what you do when you embrace radical aloneness the day began at 2 AM when a tsunami alert went off on my phone telling me to prepare for evacuation it was the 8.2 earthquake off the coast of Alaska and didn’t affect us here but the water was exceptionally choppy with strange currents I went back to sleep once I knew my little boat wasn’t setting out 

I did get my ears pierced (again) not at the mall but at the shop where I got my tattoo re-inked right before the plague swallowed us the earrings I chose to keep in my ears are small green gems on surgical steel posts posts that have flat backs so they won’t poke my neck while I sleep which is why I always removed them in the past 

I went to the mall and was filled with girly joy to be able to wander through Macy’s again which I have not done in over two years maybe more standing at the makeup and perfume counters looking at the expensive clothes and shoes and although I couldn’t run my hands across the perfume bottles or try on seventeen thousand scents at once because of covid restrictions it doesn’t matter none of that matters I could still smell the perfume my eyes full of colors and shapes as intense as when I was a girl drinking it in for the first time when I was nine and started taking the bus downtown alone for my violin lesson then stopping at the Spokane Bon Marche on the way home to watch the glamorous women dressed up dressed to shop making an outing of it making it a date a place to see and be seen I am deep in my heart my own girly self the same girl just older

I also stopped in to the Aveda store for cherry almond shampoo and their Hand Relief Cream and I wandered into the old fashioned candy store but wandered right back out since it wasn’t yet noon the mall wasn’t crowded at all though most people were not masked I walked about five miles all in all from tip to toe all the arms of the mall in my jersey swing dress and Chuck Taylors I stopped at the food court then circled back through the Macy’s entrance then got lost in the parking lot for a while before coming home to pick up dinner and a carrot cake from my little island bakery such an easy day and joyous being my best self being my true self embracing all of it letting it all wash through me

Pig and farm report

Deep in the season of cherry light five days before my 68th birthday I am content a continent of quiet joy this feels new this feels miraculous unsick in the head unsick in the foot or knee or rib or gut here in my good green heaven with my cats and books and little want little need of much else I do fall into my right rhythms in summer my skin is happier standing in the water at the edge of the earth in the full moon low tide that kelpy vegetal fragrance that signals the birth of beginnings that signals music under my fingers wood waking up in the form of going back to beginning scales and etudes and arpeggios to slowing down Bach until my practice takes over again 

yesterday I drove to town for the farmers market and on the road back that narrow slip of land where I can see water on both sides of me I saw a golden eagle sitting on a wooden post and I stopped my car in the middle of the road to look at him so huge taller than a bald eagle and heavy muscled I took no photo I just sat with my hands on the steering wheel and trembled he was incredibly wild an untamed rare thing not meant for my eyes but he showed himself and this was a gift

There is a large colander full of marionberries on my kitchen counter but I’ve been eating them like candy now there are not enough to make jam I have some figs that I stuff with goat cheese and drizzle with honey until and bake until they warm and this has been my breakfast all week I have ripe cherry tomatoes from my garden Hal sleeps stretched out at my side when I first wake and turn on the light to read I keep the windows open and the television off the deer walk around in the yard I had to dispatch a small hornet’s nest under my deck I paint a little in the morning I listen to Mozart and Beethoven and Copland and Prokofiev and every weekday at noon I turn on the radio to KING FM our classical music station and listen to Bach’s lunch for an hour

and nothing stings                  and nothing hurts             and I remembered how to read           and owls sing  and rooster calls                     and feral cats purr at my side              and I am a musician once again         

and I want for nothing

I have a small plan for my birthday not Newport but I’m not weeping for the Oregon coast my plan is to order breakfast from the little state park cafe then take myself to an actual mall to get my ears re-pierced yet again then shop like the girly girl I have always been this may not seem like much of a plan to you but you might not be a Leo at almost 68 standing on the earth’s edge in the low tide

Today the moon is 100% full 

this is the Authentic Shark’s Tooth In The Undersea Gardens Gift Shop moon 

As much electricity as my optic nerve will hold

 

Pig and farm report

 Grandma Fay’s Ruined Orchard Apple Pie

 

I made an apple pie my son’s favorite and had a slice for breakfast with coffee which was delicious which made me feel my tiptop best like crap 

the neighbors have been shooting off fireworks since Wednesday fireworks that sound like cannons that sound like guns that sound like a rifle in my house

every year on this day I relive my trauma my PTSD reels me to the floor (my bed my little boat where I hold onto the sides as I capsize) I used to think PTSD was only for soldiers even back in the 1990s before I had a name for it my fireworks/extremely loud sudden noises anxiety cracked me through the roof which looked like my son becoming injured in a horrible accident or the house in flames or me losing my hearing or my cats running away the litany of woes dancing through my blood when I was still expected to show up to bring the giant bowl of potato salad make the pico de gallo with my tomatoes and peppers 

bake

the pie

before I had a name for it before I stopped showing up to the parties and potlucks and social type visits and being hounded in my own skin before I stopped lying and saying sure sure I’ll be there before I learned to say no NO. no thank you not this time not ever and acknowledging strange it was to face my own goddamn disease and stop backing down before my child and friends realized it wasn’t me just not wanting to have fun

last night the guns fired in my house from 4 pm until well after midnight I looked at my calming app I wore noise canceling headphones I played white noise music I shut my windows and turned on my fan (I didn’t do any of these things) I just held onto the sides of my boat and hoped I wouldn’t die

my son and I are going to the store then to the beach I want spaghetti for dinner he wants normal holiday fare he wants to be with his father his father’s giant family

sorry bud, not this time

Namaste/toodle loo

Desire’s wet cage