Pig and farm report PTSD edition

A body in the center of space is exposed on all sides.
~ Derrida

This is a day when guns fly in the yard explosions all around a day when my body ends my body erases itself and my body of work erases itself leaving ghost images. 

I leave ghost images today any time I leave a room my spirit lingers behind because it is damaged. On explosion days I am down the rabbit hole. My dream got stuck in my window when I locked it last night and I haven't been able to open it since I fell asleep and woke to find a spider bite on my left upper thigh a place so tender I rolled in bed to the gun shots ratt-attat-attat-tat tat and thought I had been pierced with a crysknife given my body to science over and over an eight hour shift that rambled on spiders carrying out contracts for my life for my white skin unaccustomed to sun and wearing my mango colored swimsuit days at a time breathing in grappling for light with no idea what to say when company comes company that does not exist and will not if I can help it.

The television left on then 

accidental news a girl chid lifted by a strange woman lifted right up and over a hurricane fence her little dog barking and her grandfather heard the bark ran outside grabbed the girl out of the strange woman's hands pushed her with the stump of an arm he lost in a motorcycle accident the woman who tried to grab the girl is being held for 48 hours and will be let go because no one really believes that women can harm children they hear of it but they don't believe it not really not in their hearts women go to prison for shooting their abusive boyfriends and husbands and husband's girlfriends not for harming children women go to prison for selling drugs and selling their bodies not for harming children not even for grabbing children out of fenced yards and besides the woman had been to church just minutes earlier sure she was escorted out of the church for causing a ruckus but she was at church right? and proper so they will let her go in 48 hours so she can find another child and perhaps an Animal God even the smallest dog body will stop her or perhaps not so she is a woman and everyone knows women aren't capable of harming children especially their own.

I am often rendered speechless by gunfire explosion days. That time I told a therapist about my mother and she said something about my pervert mother that's what she'd boiled it all down to pervert: distort garble vitiate corrupt debauch deprave alter something from its original course corruption of what was first intended. The therapist folded her ears shut when I tried to give her details. She simply could. not. hear. it. Then she told me that my PTST was no big deal.

I become a ghost on explosion days. I am rendered speech less. I told that same therapist about dropping to my knees and crawling into my closet when anyone knocked at my door so I couldn't be seen in its fisheye lens but it's okay everybody does that it's nothing to be concerned with she laughed and said well come on it's funny and I never went back.

I am a great ghost today floating in my mango swimsuit through my house with its giant windows on all the walls so I can see anyone coming from literally miles away and from all angles. The windows that expose nothing from the outside but keep me protected from most things except guns and gunfire and explosions and memories. Today I am a ghost girl bang bang go the guns. Bang bang. Now. Tell me how funny it is that I hide. How hilarious it is that I float through my house on explosive days.

I was snatched by one of my mother's ex-husbands when I was four years old snatched by my blue sweater from my kindergarten playground and my brother barely a year older pulled me back. There has always been danger but it's okay it's nothing to be concerned with just another strange woman leaning over a fence with a toy tambourine on her belt that she rattles and taps to attract babies O babies.

I am going to make a honey poultice and hold it over the spider bite and float for the rest of the day float in and out as ghosts do make myself invisible and small.