Thursday, December 28, 2017

how they get ya coming and going

waiting for the hospital to call to schedule an endoscopy and a colonoscopy had a fun sized bag of M&Ms for lunch because since I’m soon to be drained of all my bodily fluids is why

and no they won’t do them at the same time which I thought might be cheaper and much easier on me
double sheesh

gotta go pick up the hilariously named GoLytly so I suspect they’ll call sooner rather than in February or June or 2020ish

after my appointment I went to the beach and walked out on the dock which was rocking and bucking to watch the storm approach

cattails and stars

yesterday at my beach and today rain and in 13 minutes I leave for an appointment with a gastroenterologist as you can imagine I'm thrilled to pieces over this bit of good fortune especially since my appointment is in a hospital I will report back if I don't perish at the appointment

mockingbird wish me luck

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

pig and farm report

it is cold and I have yet to get out of my bed and turn on the furnace because the owls are singing their throaty songs over the forest canopy to one another they are both comforting and eerie so I listen and fit my mood into their music Jupiter is on the bed with me killing a length of blue elastic she found among the Christmas wrapping paper she has had it for days runs through the house with it in her mouth carrying one end or the other the same way she carries wee stunned or dead mice to me their tails between her teeth she has brought me two already this winter

I made it through yesterday with joy until the end until I slipped under my downy bedclothes then dread hit for no apparent reason heavy as earth pressing on my body the fathomless dark that so often accompanies joy in me fortunately I fell asleep before tears came before depression had time to build its terrible nest in my brain and this morning I feel wonderful perhaps that peculiar affliction at least perhaps last night that sense of falling was simply a tissue memory as yesterday and the brouhaha previous to yesterday filled me with raw childish glee

Sheila the llama down the road has disappeared from her farm I don't know what happened to her if she died or if they sold her or if they sold their farm or if she stays in the barn in winter but she is gone the three red feral chickens who I discovered walking down the middle of the road a few months ago are now here on my front porch every day visiting I have named the hens Wanda and Beulah and the rooster is of course Cogburn there is a new pony on the horse farm where the foal with the twisted gut was born the new pony is all black with white socks on his back ankles he is crazy cute and The Surfer has named him Clover I also visit the two horses by the fire station each day one is a palomino I call Speck the other a Shetland pony I call Mr. Poops because of his odd habit of trotting over to Speck each time Speck lifts his tail to defecate and standing directly under Speck's tail as the poop falls on his head I have never seen such a thing in the animal world in all my days and it is so g.d. funny the buffalos and sheep and alpacas are all present and accounted for Orlando continues to terrorize the villagers she is now over 18 years old!

I got too sick to plant my 120 tulip bulbs I bought last summer so I am storing them in the coldest place in the house which is the closet in my bathroom I will plant them next winter I still haven't painted the inside of the house for some reason the move drained me of everything I feel it took me an entire year to recover but lately I have been so content and happy an abiding happiness that I never thought to embrace in this lifetime I baked about thirty batches of cookies sugar cookies oatmeal cookies chocolate chip cookies Italian wedding cookies and gingerbread men and delivered them around the island for gifts and I didn't eat one as I basically don't eat at all these days I have made friends but not close friends with people all over the island except for my closest neighbors who are not close enough to be actual neighbors just the people down the road the forest across from my house is for sale but has been for sale for months I keep threatening to take down the For Sale sign and fling it into the forest but I have yet to act on this small crime still I think the reason it hasn't sold is probably because of the ground water there yes I have stomped around in there my feet sinking in and sucking up with a plop I too have ground water deep into my forest but there is a small green horizontal standpipe in my forest to collect that water this is after all an island

did I tell you I'm crocheting a blanket? it keeps me deliciously warm when I work on it

good morning Darklings it feels fine to be back I hope you find me soon

Monday, December 25, 2017

I love how clean the word December looks how pretty and virginal it looks in spite of its ropes harnesses  rasps hammers nippers nails scrapers cooling and exhaust fans turbines oils unguents poultices nursery divider rings troughs grease guns mats knee pads shovels spades forks blades needles syringes oral medications clippers ear tags and vaccines. Last night I baked cookies for the children attended by the fragrant bodies of animals cats the giant gold dog and the baby with its steel arm and hook sewn to a cloth bunny that swung from the door frame. Today I ride my ribbons.

Dear Darklings,

I have been away for years and for two short months it feels like forever every day I woke and thought today will be the day but I have been busy learning how to be happy how to live inside of joy how to press against light instead of being invaded by darkness in fact today every light in the house is on every candle is lit not to push away night but to invite joy it's going to take a while to get back into the rhythm of my daily writing practice I've also been learning how to create boundaries for myself psychic and physical internet and town and this is the first Christmas in all of my memories that I woke happy and did not cry and did not grieve and did not become swallowed up with depression I went to the beach each morning walked my property cut my hair and dyed strands of it pink and I have been too sick to sit up for more than a half hour at a time but I'm on an uptick now I'm healthy and sane (comparatively) and I will be back here sooner now rather than later

Merry Christmas to those of you will observe
Merry Winter to those of you who are inside of the cold

I have missed you all but I'm back now