Monday, December 9, 2019

Pig and farm report

I went outside to walk in the woods as I do every morning then I turned around and came right back in because the fog was so deep I was also to going to go to the store but the fog still hangs there and I don’t want to drive in it inside is just as oppressive as out I cannot watch any more of the clown car that is our entire government and got about two minutes in when the hearings started and then I was finished I will read whatever news there is to read online I’m sure as it is constantly hammered into us

waiting for my son to get here in the past few weeks I have realized how much my stress and anxious disappears when he is gone and how that anxious builds its house inside my head and my body when he is on his way here does that make me a terrible person a bad mother I don’t think so he of course hasn’t needed me in decades but he feels he had to get in my head like a guide dog so I won’t misstep or I don’t know arrange the pantry in ways that don’t fit his logic it’s not my place to write about his personal life here I’ve always respected his privacy but he too has his demons passed down genetically through his father and me and our families he too has generational trauma to live through and process and sometimes I just need a break from carrying all of it I feel my leathery wings folding back in I feel my light freedom fleeing through the foggy woods

I made an appointment to see a random doctor at the clinic tomorrow at 4 pm because I can’t seem to shake this smoker’s cough and I haven’t smoked for 30 years that too worries me I’m curled up in a soft blanket with Jupiter for now for now I think tomorrow will be brighter

mockingbird wish me luck


Blogger Ms. Moon said...

I wish you luck. Sometimes coughs just linger forever. August had one like that for most of the summer and well into fall.
And I completely understand your anxiety when your son comes back. I go through the same thing when Mr. Moon is gone and then returns. And of course I feel selfish and guilty but it's as you say- for that period of time when they're gone, we don't have to worry about them. Or, well, of course we do but there's not much we can do. I don't think this means that you are a bad mother or that I am a bad wife. I think it just means that we both have a lot of anxiety.

December 9, 2019 at 3:02 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Good luck dear poet.

December 10, 2019 at 1:49 PM  

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