Sunday, March 7, 2021

Pig and farm report

  Now there's a roar inside me like a carnival in full blast.
~ Henry Miller, Black Spring



It's spring all over the place but I've never been fond of spring and now is the month my father died. I never forgave spring for taking my father away from me with the noisy lush savage green growth everywhere. I got my first vaccine on February 25 absolute winter and today I made an appointment for my second vaccine at the end of winter. Making the first appointment felt like a Jesus miracle. Making the second appointment felt like a panic attack. The first vaccine knocked me on my buttocks I tell you what I thought for sure I'd get the shot roll my sleeve down put my coat back on and head for my car ignoring the advised 15 minute wait but I ended up being exceeding grateful for that wait. Whoa. Who cares. I don't want to die.

My son is camping with his friends at the state park eight minutes away from here. It's the first time he's seen his friends in over a year. He came home for a minute last night to gather firewood from our yard and he smelled like a campfire his clothes and hair thick with sea air and matches and dinner cooked on a grate. He is intensely beautiful.

I feel almost normal these days. Better than normal. I float up and out of my chair up and out of my body. There are bears and wild salmon and orca under my skin pulsing my blood along with growls and fluid muscular grace. Yesterday I bent down in my garden and an eagle flew up his heavy wings flapping right next to my head and my heart hammered in its cage. Incredible. This is called healing. I am not overly fond of spring so I ignore it and consider summer dresses and flats and my awful shrub of hair. I am too terrified of humans to get a haircut yet. Or a manicure or any damn thing.

I am terrible insecure about my writing which sometimes flows and sometimes falls to the ground screaming pretending some bloody wound. I am writing poetry but at a glacial pace. Once I cleaned my body of all the benzodiazepines I had been taking for over 15 years it took me a few months to align myself with my interior solar system. That is where I've been but it's a long boring story. I think it's good to feel insecure about writing. I think if that didn't happen every once in a while I'd be in deep trouble. That awful feeling of nincompoopness when it comes to writing is extremely important to my writing practice. I don't want to be the person who knows everything the smartass guru of HOW TO WRITE GOOD. I want to be opening up to it for the first time. I want to be a new pair of shoes on Easter morning. I want to smell those sheets hung in the sun to dry. I want to fall down the hill my first time up on skis. I want to crack it open each goddamn time I give it a shot. I just looked in my notebook and there's not a whole lot in there not really. No wonder!

I wore a pink and gray sweater in a diamond pattern and soft gray wool trousers with deep pockets to my father's funeral. I had one of those awful 80s perms that burned your hair up and I wore red framed sunglasses. I was angry that spring was going ahead being spring I remember that clearly. Spring was insulting me. I was mighty stoned. I got in an argument with the preacher after the service. I wanted to argue my father's death away. He was only 60 years old. I went to my father's house after the service and his wife gave me three of his sweaters and a box of his books. I wore those sweaters until they fell apart and for a good while after that.

9 Comments:

Blogger Elizabeth said...

Two Pig and Farm reports in two days is enough to keep everyone going for a third. Honestly, these are the best. I get my first vaccine on Wednesday. I'm nervous.

March 7, 2021 at 4:37 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

Elizabeth, at first I felt a huge head rush and shakiness. The injection site didn’t hurt a bit I didn’t even feel the actual shot. Later that night my shoulder swelled a bit and for the next couple days my neck hurt. Who knows if any of it was connected but I signed up to send all my physical responses to the CDC who texted me a few simple questions about how I was feeling every day. That was very cool. Science!

March 7, 2021 at 4:43 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

Ps. Oh I am so glad you’re here reading.

March 7, 2021 at 4:47 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Got my second last week. Arm was sore for a while but I’m feeling such relief and hope to see some sorely missed loves very soon,
Xoxo
Barbara

March 7, 2021 at 5:28 PM  
Blogger Linda Sue said...

Your father's send off , in the springtime, you- permed and red rimmed is the most perfect thing i have read all day.I see you in your deep pocketted grey wool, like a sad, soft PNW day. That, and the eagle above your garden where there might not be much gravity. There ought to be some sort of monitor to test that. We always seem to feel lighter in them, don't we? Writing is like painting I suppose, in that once you lay letters around a thought- like a smear of purple across white paper, or a blob of vermillion in the center, possibilities become commitments. Your writing astounds me - gives me so many avenues to cruise down, alphabet clothed idea explosions across my blank white paper self, You are adventure. I love you floating out of your chair, too. Your chair is very like your garden in that respect. Glad you got the jab, I will get the second one on the 18th
YAY - take that you bastard virus!

March 7, 2021 at 7:36 PM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Whatever it is that gives your voice wings has been unleashed and soars. Thank you for letting us catch a ride so that we can see what lies below too.

March 8, 2021 at 6:11 AM  
Blogger 37paddington said...

This is an intensely beautiful post, the writing sublime, and the writing wisdom so reassuring to me, because I feel quite shaky on that front right now, but you say here this is important to experience, and so I shall exhale. I am so glad you got the first dose of the vaccine. I had a recurrence of symptoms after 8 days, a bullseye rash around the injection side, which itched somewhat, but could be ignored, and then (mostly) went away after 8 more days. I wished I had signed up for the CDC check in, but I didn't. But I googled it all and it's something that happens, they don't think it's scary, and it should not preclude one getting the second shot. I am so happy to see you here. I hope your internal solar system is aligned as you would choose. I love you.

March 9, 2021 at 11:14 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

i was okay until the sweaters. then i cried a little. so glad you're back. and your writing is dripping all over and i'm wet with sea water and wild. and taking off. we got our first shots today and feel like noodles and corn mush. thank you for all of this.

March 9, 2021 at 9:50 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

And each time I read of someone loving their father.......there's a lurch in me, not an envy exactly, maybe a longing. Almost as though I long for their father. I'm so glad you had a father who loved you well and that you loved well. And that you understand your feelings. I wonder if I'll ever get my sorted out.

March 10, 2021 at 8:23 PM  

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