Tokens were things we used to carry in our pockets. To get to school we dropped them in a box on the trolley car. Nanny made sure we had plenty of them even when we got old enough to do this for ourselves. A token in the pocket and a tuna sandwich in a brown paper bag. Why try to make a system out of something like life? The sickness came no matter what the stars were doing, whether falling apart or staying put.

Kathryn Davis, The Silk Road

Darklings, I am trying to get back to you swimming in my brains waiting for the new medication to become normal in my blood but know that my want and desire and need to be here now is still overwhelmed by science

Love

It seemed as though the rabbits danced.

Pig and farm report pt. 3

"It's like there's this horse inside my soar plexus," I said to Cindy over the phone, "bucking to get out."
Dodie Bellamy, WHEN THE SICK RULE THE WORLD


day 3 of my titrated dose of tegretol and my fingers are on the wrong keys The Surfer is home I told him I'd make enchiladas for him but even thinking of it made me tired so I changed my mind he took me to the beach in my sad men's pajamas from Sears the same soft flannels I've had for years then left to do Surfer stuff I lay in bed reading the Dodie Bellamy book which is brilliant a book one of my Writing Wives told me about I knew I had to take a shower today seriously it has been three days so I finally got in the tub but not before I stepped in two cat water bowls tipping the cold everywhere soaking it into my blue bathmat leaving it in a puddle on the tile floor

I want to be a writer again it is in me under the surface of my skin like blood ticking through but I have tried many times to get more tegretol into my body and failed given up it is an undertaking it is going under it feels like sick stomach and fuzzy brain it feels clumsy and stupid it feels like drowning but calmer no struggle

I keep putting my fingers on the wrong keys I have the television on low volume listening to the Father Knows Best marathon on one of the ghost cable channels a true testament to the garbage politics of Terrible America I close my eyes and it feels like awake sleeping I close my eyes and marvel at Betty and her frou-frou dresses her fancy girlness she reminds me of only one girl an older girl named Becky Bunch who was actually like that a date every night a fancy dress for every dance I was in her bedroom once when she was supposed to be babysitting me she took off her blouse and her bra was pink and lacy I had no idea pink lacy bras existed I had no idea women could be soft and affectionate and smart and popular I close my eyes and hear Alex Trebek telling me I'd better make sure my plans for burial are in place I close my eyes and Bud revs his car I close my eyes and Margaret tries to escape her kitchen I close my eyes and an advertisement full of fear culture trip trops past my eyelids telling me I need more insurance against identity theft more protection from the dark web more protection from strangers and a button to push in case I fall and can't get up all this crap aged at people just a bit older than I am and Kathy becoming a young woman now in a pony tail no pig tails dating a boy named Burgess and I remember her actual history of sexual abuse by her stepfather which I cannot ignore and how did no one on this huge television production know what was happening to her how did they miss it how did my father miss what was happening to me I close my eyes but no sleep comes just this waking coma

I tried walking around the house without a bandaid on my stigmata but the weight of my breast made it ache not yet not yet I never used to heal this slowly though today I walked up through the forest without my cane the first time since November I never use it in the house or on flat surfaces but after that time my knee collapsed under me when I stepped off the steep porch I have been more careful

there are pinto beans in the pot there is one fat onion there are garnet cherry tomatoes and true fleshy sweet red strawberries and here I am in bed wondering if I should thaw out the jar of tangelo curd I made last winter and eat it with a spoon here I am in bed wondering how long it will take me to walk to the bathroom and remember to put on deodorant

transmission from the Avenue of Lost Souls

Pig and farm report pt. 2

there's Prince Hal my feral kitty who is now an incredibly beautiful and muscular cat

this might be short because my brain is short having titrated up my tegretol dosage to the point of doddering stupidity in just two days and having eaten everything in the house and I'm not making this up I had no breakfast but I have five or six lunches also caused by titrating up my tegretol dosage and I keep gumming around inside my mouth like the paste we ate at in the 1950s thick and white no matter how much water I drink

yesterday was the first time I saw my new psychiatric nurse who is in Everett which is a 40 minute drive south a place with ample parking as opposed to a 4 hour round trip $20 parking in the middle of downtown Seattle not to mention the Ativan I had to take to get there the new nurse informed me of a few things that I will try to cram into this post before my brain collapses in on itself

remember when I wrote here that DOGNURSE told me she couldn't prescribe me anything other than the billion dollar drug because I was overmedicated? the new nurse took a peek in the DSM-5 and told me right off the get go that I was wildly under medicated I don't remember DOGNURSE ever checking the DSM-5 for anything I never saw it in her office thus the major tegretol uptick then I told the new psychiatric nurse about DOGNURSE waving away my telling her I had serious PTSD by saying oh don't we all have that and never treating me for it at all ever at any point in six years this pissed off new nurse who rose out of her chair like an ex marine nurse all huffed up for battle

finally someone other than my regulation doctor listened
new nurse prescribed doxazosin which is the same thing my regulation doctor prescribed but it wasn't $300 it was first used to treat men with prostate problems but then vets with PTSD at vet hospitals found out it helped them sleep and stopped nightmares night terrors random screaming hobgoblins evil elves devils firelegs lightning demons and etc strangely my insurance company told my pharmacy that I cannot have two of those at night only one so I am waiting for the pharmacy to hear back from new nurse before I can get that prescription filled

you can leave now if you're bored

I would

as I was going through the hour long intake process (after having filled out the 500 questions form from home) new nurse asked about my cocaine years which I have written of here obliquely she asked me what did the cocaine make you feel and I told her it immediately made me feel calm and she told me that normally people who did cocaine felt fasted sped up then she told me that my reaction to cocaine was like people with ADHD taking ritalin being sped up but feeling calmer inside of it

did you know that 70% of the population with bipolar disease also have ADHD?

did you know that ADHD makes you sometime unable to read that sometimes the words just seem to boil around on the page and make no sense?

I don't think DOGNURSE ever did any study to further herself in her field at least she never mentioned it though she went on a lot of vacations

this was a lot of information flowing in and as soon as I left new nurse's office I called DOGNURSE from my car and fired her she answered me by text this morning she wrote okay I know traffic is bad

then I went to taco time and ate some Mexifries or as we call them tater tots
with ranch dressing

I saw DOGNURSE for all those years and she never changed anything I was taking or did anything but ask how are you skinny? or how are you Deborah?

as I was leaving I asked to use new nurse's bathroom which is private the public restroom being downstairs and instead of the dusty purple potpourri in a clay bowl and a can of air freshener she had five shiney Transformers line up on a shelf like the most amazing aliens ever to land in a child's room

so

new nurse has a name

The Transformer

her name is new nurse
more than meets the eye

in other news there is a tiny foal now in the meadow with the lumpy cow and the first of my wild roses has bloomed

forgive me my goofs and typos in this post I suspect there are more than a few I will be back hopefully soon

I do believe I need to have seven or eight dinners now

Love

Pig and farm report pt. 1

I FIRED DOGNURSE TODAY!