and you love had wildest childhood over my heart

Darklings,

Elizabeth's post this morning reminded me that I am a writer that writing here is part of my process and has been for years I have been deep into summer deep in the garden deep in the dirt deep in the cold Skagit River deep in my yard deep in my flower beds deep in the trees and on the beach sweetly sweetly and with beauty I have been struggling with anxiety and PTSD as usual but no terrible polar swings I still have panic attacks in grocery stores I still adamantly refuse most humans

this is not writing

I had two plans for this summer one was to get my septic tank pumped and the other was for my son to be here long enough to clear my roof and gutters of pine needles both of these chores were causing me stress and both remained undone the only two things I've discovered about being a homeowner that I can not handle myself

this is not writing

I called a random septic company and was quoted $400 and some burly sixty year old man (he told me twice that he was sixty fishing I think for my age) named Rob showed up and started whining immediately about how much he hated his job about how dragging those long heavy hoses around was the hardest part of his terrible job about how hilly my house is about how he couldn't find a place to park his giant sewer truck about how he used to be a trucker this went on and on my son stayed home from work to foil this entertainment to be the human for me once Rob discovered he could park on the road and drag the hose down the hill directly to the tank (hello! straight line! two points!) he asked my son to help him lift the heavy cement lid on both tanks

let me stop here to say that while I knew there were two lids I didn't know they are both part of my septic system in fact I wasn't even sure they were the septic system because there are two other risers on the top of the hill that might or might have not have been my septic tank it turns out they are the pipes to the drain field and if I've done my homework and believe me now I have I know where to plant flowers next spring

when Rob asked for help lifting the gobawful heavy lids I stopped him and said shrieked are you covered for insurance in case something happens here like for instance my son breaks his leg or wrist or arm or neck and Rob assured me he was but he was clearly lying but the kid who is much nicer than I am helped him do his goddamned job anyway and I discovered what lives in there

what lives in there

1. Three salamanders
2. Shit
3. Fat
4. Gray water

luckily Rob let the salamanders go free and as he was finishing up his job a fox ran into the yard and stared at him then he became an entire new person all howdydo and he told me my septic tank was in fine shape and that he would file a report with the county stating that

wait!!!

I didn't know the county cared about my crap but indeed they do!!!

Rob rang me up $569 to pump my tank I told him that I was quoted $400 and he showed me the paper on which he had just written $569 and what was I going to do at that point ask him to pump the crap back in fortunately I had waited until payday to have this done and after I signed the paper he buddied up next to me I mean he literally leaned his shit encrusted body against mine and told me that he was on several singles sites but hadn't found a match yet and at this point my son leaned in and glowered with menace

BECAUSE EWWWW EWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

that night after dark during a heavy rain squall Prince Hal started freaking out in the bathroom I got up to see if he had cornered a mouse and discovered water dripping from the ceiling one steady drip after another but I was so undone buy the septic tank and its secrets that I simply went outside grabbed a bucket and put it in my bathroom until morning everything in my person and soul wanted to blame Rob The Shit Man for the leak in my bathroom ceiling one tiny continuous drop from one knot in my beautiful knotty pine plank ceiling but not even at my craziest could I connect those two things

in the morning at eight on the dot I called a random island roofer and he came by in twenty minutes put his ladder up crawled on my roof threw down handfuls (hands full?) of pine needles and told me that my bathroom vent was clogged with them and that was causing the leak then he crawled down the ladder gave me his business card and didn't charge me one hot cent and then he gave me the name of a good honest septic company

it is too late to make this long story short and I apologize but I will tell you that my roof and gutters are now free of pine needles and my tank free of crap and that I was right to worry about these things and now I have an honest roof guy who knows a guy who knows a guy and that right there is a comfort

*

that's pretty much it for now I am three years a home owner as of August 30th this is the first day in months I haven't been overcome by anxiety and this break in my test pattern allowed me to actually vacuum a job I despise because it is hardest on my wrists I also drove to the bait & tackle and pumped gas into my car which is not broken and never has been then I made enchiladas and I'm about to make corn fritters

I see New Nurse Saturday I am taking Doxazosin twice a day and I have been able to sleep every night except one I am amazed at how much of my anxiety is caused by PTSD (how did I go so many years as a diagnosed crazy person without understanding this) and how while the anxiety still gnaws at my leg I am no longer swallowed by it

most of the time

now that I am 66 years old I have decided to never again shave my legs or my armpits at first I was worried that I would be judged by my fuzziness but the truth is no one has noticed like other women my age I have disappeared though the elder men on the island continue to hit on me in grocery stores and there is no easy explanation for that

I can't believe a fox appeared when I needed him most

here I am veiny nose and wattly neck and somewhat jowly due to my own gorgeous baking and sumptuous cooking and I don't care I do not have any fucks left to give and it is freeing and it is remarkable

love