the date on this post reads August 17 Saturday because I posted this quote then unposted it yesterday this post was actually written on August 18 Sunday sheesh note to self :: probably not a good time to wake up and watch Awakenings on the telly


The storyteller is the man who could let the wick of his life be consumed completely by the gentle flame of his story.
— Walter Benjamin 

I have been gripped by a new breed of depression one I kept reading as anxiety one I kept reading as panic I didn't recognize this depression because it is a new flavor it is different than before my head doesn't feel like a heavy dirt iron rock and there it is my plastic brain that wet stupid salad of tissue and electricity and desire I didn't recognize it not even tears all the time and seventeen half read books and opening my computer every day to write here then not being able to clued me in I missed or dismissed all the big signals so now that I know now what now what now what wait for it to go away as always and here I am this morning tumbling into autumn digging in the dirt driving around the island here I am writing here to say hello to say hello Darklings here I am and it feels a little bit like healing like health like normal

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA

(that normal was a little joke)

is my anxiety being helped by the half dose of Doxasozin I'm taking at noon

I have no idea but it is surely helping me sleep and I am taking half of the benzos I was taking before and New Nurse is just a spectacular human being who acknowledges my person which Dog Nurse never did

(once I told dn that I was practicing and she said oh that's right you used to be a violin teacher this was after I had been seeing her for three years and while I was still teaching W) 

New Nurse actually remembers my name and asks me if I am going outside if I am driving if I am functioning as a human she asks questions about my writing about what being homeless was like about my education or lack thereof I brought her poems to read she is interested in me as a human 

I feel incredibly lucky to have found her

one thing that is important in this blathering nothing post

this depression this not writing not reading helped me finish editing Queer Wing-ed because editing is a left brain activity

big joke universe funny haha

*

last week I called a septic service and made an appointment to get my septic tank pumped which needs to happen every three years it was due in November and I was so worried about it mostly because I imagined it would cost thousands of dollars (it will cost $400) and because of nightmare stories my son told me about his father having to dig up the orchard to find his septic tank then accidentally puncturing the tank during the digging and yes the septic tank itself lurked wet and terrifying and creepy in my brain when I called I told the receptionist that I had no idea where the tank was but I saw two little PVC thingies sticking out of the ground when I first moved in and it turns out I did know where the tank was easy access from the street no foraging through the forest to find it NO DIGGING ON MY PART etcetera and so forth and I felt so grown up

that's it that's my whole life right now except today I feel like some light has got into me

here is my garden harvest this year everything took its sweet time then exploded at once

the days are cooler and shorter which isn't saying much for a summer that barely felt like summer at all but I am grateful for the lack of wild fires this year for the ability to breathe outside and for finding where all my crap goes all by myself with no help from any real adults and I am thankful for you Darklings every single one of you and for the three year anniversary of finding Summer's End and navigating all the red tape involved in buying a house not to mention going to NYC to read and I am so goddamned glad "she" died and left me enough money to move out of the velvet ghetto of Seattle

while I am here while my brain is still working please watch a new Netflix documentary called THE FAMILY from the investigative book by Jeff Sharlet it explains so many things about why so called Christian voters i.e. powerful men want to keep the tiny pig fucker king in office it is absolutely important please watch   with the lights on

today I am making corn chowder with fresh corn as I do every year at this exact time which is probably a good thing since it's not exactly healthy but it is truly delicious here is my recipe one of my favorites

Love
Pax
Peace

Veggie (not vegan) Corn Chowder from The Becky Crocker Kitchens

**WARNING: DO NOT PUT CLAMS IN THIS CHOWDER. IF YOU DO I WILL KNOW.**


1 late summer thunderstorm after a long dry spell, hail if possible
2 cobs of really fresh corn not frozen or etc.
1 or 2 regulation sized Yukon gold potatoes or 4 smallish sized (this chowder should be more corny than it is potatoey)
1 medium sized onion
1 cup of dry white wine
2 cups of veggie stock
1 cup of heavy cream
1 leek
1 onion
2 stalks of celery
1 sprig of fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
cumin
salt
pepper


Dice the celery and the onion.
Wash the sand off your leek, dry it, then slice the white part into thin rings.
Heat a blob of butter and a blob of olive oil in a heavy-bottomed soup pot.
Sauté the veggies until they are clear.

This would be a good time to dice your potatoes to a manageable smallish size.
Leave the peelings on unless you get frantic about stuff like that.

Shuck the corn and cut the kernels off with a very sharp knife. I usually break the corn cobs in half then cut the kernels off in a bowl because they make a mess and go flying everywhere. After you cut off the kernels, scrape the cobs with the back of a knife to get out all the sweet milky corn goodness. Don’t cheat on this part. It’s what makes this chowder so yummy.

REMINDER: NO CLAMS

Add 1 cup of dry white wine to the veggies and let it reduce by half.
Add the veggie stock and bring the fire up until it boils.
Toss in the potatoes and corn and corny milk stuff.
Lower the fire to a simmer.

Once the potatoes are tender, about 15 minutes, add the cream, a teaspoon of cumin (you just have to trust me on this), a bay leaf if you have one, and a sprig of fresh thyme if you have one of those. Salt and pepper to taste. Turn the fire to low and let the chowder simmer for at least a half hour.

Once you're ready to serve this, drizzle it with a wee bit of very good virgin olive oil and sprinkle it with chopped flat parsley for looks.

Serve with a good crusty piece of bread.

This is good even if the sun is out.

I don’t know what makes this a chowder and not just a soup. 

I’ve never had chowder the other kind with *SHUDDER* clams in it. When I imagine it I imagine there is lots of sand in it. If there is indeed sand in clam chowder and you’d make this recipe but for the longing for the sand part, I guess you could forgo washing your leek. Then you’d get sand, the clams would be alive, and they all lived happily ever after.



ps. I didn't have a leek so I just put in a little more onion. I didn't have any thyme though it's struggling in my large and cumbersome herb pot that is on a garden chair by my front door. I don't have any flat parsley either. So what. It smells good in my house and I feel like I've accomplished something.

*

Hannibal Lecter: You still wake up sometimes, don't you? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the clams. 

Clarice Starling: Yes.