Pig and farm report

I get anxious when there is food in the refrigerator that I haven’t eaten for instance I steamed some carrots from my garden and a head of cauliflower to make a paneer curry but I haven’t made it yet because I have been busy and it takes a lot of work because I boil a handful of cashews then blend them with tomatoes for the sauce and add 167 kinds of spices but I think about the gd carrots and cauliflower in there just growing old in there constantly and I feel guilty and I am afraid they’re going to rot or go to waste even though logically I know I can always toss them in the bin and buy more it still gets to me and the wind which is high right now might cause a tree to fall over somewhere on the island which may cause me to lose power which means if I start the curry now it will all be doomed

I will never recover from poverty though I have recovered from this awful toothy depression at least for now and I’m reading like a book eating fiend in case that room closes to me again ( it always does then I fear writing has disappeared from me forever then it opens up again) it is exhausting waiting for it trying to be okay in the dark holding onto belief and live outside of the worry that I might be upticking that writing and reading might be part of mania scratching at my door even though

again logically

I know reading and writing do not visit me during mania or depression

or maybe I'm embarrassed to write here because I keep writing the same things over and over or maybe sometimes not always but sometimes I feel like I have the interior life of a fern

The night and early morning bullfrog giants are outside my bedroom window croaking into the storm I think the rain has confused them they are intensely loud a gorgeous guttural song

Hello Darklings

I am swimming back to you

*

haha I guilted myself into making the gd paneer curry
if you want the recipe let me know in the comments
it really is worth all the trouble
now I'm going to measure out all the spices on a dinner plate so I can toss them in easily