Danger, Idaho

this morning I roasted the little potatoes from my garden and ate them with a cut tomato also from my garden and salt and pepper then I mopped the kitchen floor and swapped out the tablecloth humming humming humming in my sky blue dress and I put the used tablecloth in the laundry basket then I opened the door and was sweeping out the mudroom when a young man said hello said I'mfromthewatercompanyI'mheretotestyourwater backing up the damned hill as I stood there screaming I mean SCREAMING screaming so loud I could tell I scared the living shit out of the poor kid standing there with his bucket and meter thingy then I apologized a lot I apologized the crap out of the kid who after all is my neighbor (I know where the well is that serves the five houses in this part of the island) and after he left I crawled back into bed and literally trembled for fifteen minutes at least fifteen minutes actually I am still screaming

then I made a peach crumble with the last of summer's peaches and popped it in the oven I am actually glad I had my dress on as I am basically much alone here and tend to trot around in nothing but my naked and what the hell kind of watch cat are you Jupiter you didn't even tell me

this PTSD attack (for want of a better word) lasted the entire day (Wednesday or Tuesday I think is when I started this post) and I eventually took an Ativan because I could not stop shaking then I fell asleep upside-down on my bed not on my head you understand but with my head where my feet usually go and when I woke an hour later I put my palm down and heard a pop which was my glasses lens letting go of its frame so I had to fix that so now my glasses are even more wonky than usual

I keep thinking of the time the one time only I tried to discuss PTSD with DOGNURSE who summarily dismissed me with a wave of her claw hand saying well we all have PTSD these days I should have know then she was not the shrink for me but I have had PTSD since I was five years old (there I am on the right in that terrifying family photo) or maybe even earlier though there wasn't a name for it then there wasn't a name for the peculiar kind of hell my brother and I lived through not then maybe there still isn't a name but PTSD comes as an identifier

the photo was taken in Coeur d'Alene Idaho the circus folk with whom I spent a great deal of time Nella Fay Troy and her children Kim and Jay who were also circus folk but I've told this story before but it is in my body and spirit/soul/animal now and will stay

Boo