I want to write to be a writer who writes but my body has sabotaged my art which happens
I made it to my appointment on time and learned that my four removed polyps were not cancerous nor was the biopsy taken from my esophagus so

nothing

and yet I still feel sick
but nothing
I left the hospital with instructions to continue taking the flax ground seed twice a day even though I told him it made a painful ball of needles in my stomach then I told him about the croissant I ate last month how it also made a painful ball of needles in my stomach but he did not respond to either of my complaints except he added organic apple cider vinegar to my list of meds which is a short list consisting of ground flax seed needles and organic apple cider vinegar which I use on my hair btw if you have a well or hard water and your hair says JUST NO apple cider vinegar makes a great rinse

it'll cost me about 3 thousand dollars then to be told to eat ground flax seed twice a day and to eat apple cider vinegar I could have gone to the hippie mamas for this information I'm pretty sure

in other news nothing hurts right now except my heart and we are all heart broken about our country or most of us are

now that I know I'm not going to die within the next six weeks now that I know a Professional Physician has given me a clean bill of health (my blood pressure was perfect and he didn't even tell me to lose 10 pounds which doctors always say and even when I weighed 120 pounds during my cocaine days years and could slip into a size 2 dress I was always told by doctors to lose 10 pounds) knowing all this propelled me to get out of bed this morning brush my hair trim my bangs put on a lip and blush and a pair of earrings even though I still feel sick

I guess I have been imagining my terrible stomach pain and nausea
I guess I am a world class hypochondriac except with real Crohn's disease with which I was previously diagnosed but which this Specialist says I don't have
so nothing except pain ground flax seed and apple cider vinegar

those trees in the photo are in my back yard
we had very cold
and very snow

how it broke me to think of Orlando under the snow I will plant flowers around her grave as soon as I can daffodils and lilies and tulips and snapdragons and ranunculus and sweet daisies Orlando loved flowers more than anyone I've ever met ever

the snow has stopped falling from the sky now it is frozen and just hanging around and I read seed catalogs by the dozens and have already planned my summer garden I am more than happy to just skip spring as usual and go directly to summer even though it's supposed to snow all this week starting tomorrow

I spoke to My Darling Veterinarian during Orlando's time he told me some really juicy gossip about the composer apparently the composer is selling the big beautiful house his rich wife built for him in La Conner (near me) and moving to Olympia (way south instead of way north) into a place called Panorama City -- I shit you not -- not a retirement home but a senior village with a full nursing staff and fun activities like chair yoga seriously this is so fucking weird he is only two years older than I and healthy as a horse (trust me on this) hmmm hmmmmmm...

after my appointment yesterday I went to Walmart (I hated to but it was my only option) and bought a $58.00 stand up vacuum cleaner because mine which was only a year old died and a $4.00 pale pink shirt with gray hearts on it that will never stand being washed or even a mild breeze might tear the sleeves off so what so what I need to write about how once you're poor for many years it is difficult to crawl out of that mindset into okay

being poor means wearing one shirt forever until it falls apart (it still feels like an illegal thrill even to buy a $4.00 shirt)
being poor means using the same bath towel for a week because the laundr-O-mat is too expensive
being poor means eating a lot of startch
etc

crawling into okay

I guess I'm headed for the beach now and maybe I'll remember what I sat here to write once I get back

Love