this morning my choices were to either stay in bed weeping and watch crap television or to get up and go really go so I hopped in Sweet Lime and headed for H&R Block because the last time I did my taxes myself I ended up being randomly audited and even though I got $283 back that time it still makes me nervous truthfully going to H&R Block (or any goddamn place in the ever forever where I must interact with norms) makes me incredibly uncomfortable because I am on Social Security Disability and my disability is invisible (most of the time) so I always feel compelled to explain to say YES I AM CRAZY BUT DON'T WORRY I DON'T BITE HAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAHAA NOPE NO BITING DON'T YOU WORRY ONE LITTLE BIT H&R BLOCK LADY YES I'M SCREAMING BUT THAT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M CRAZY IT'S BECAUSE I HATE TELLING PEOPLE I'M CRAZY OKAY WE ALL GOOD HERE CAN WE JUST GET ON WITH IT THANK YOU AND HAVE A PLEASANT DAY ETCETERA
after that brutal hour and it was brutal because I made the very nice tax lady extremely nervous and she was all sweaty and shit by the time I left taking two pens (free) with me I got in my car and then BECAUSE GETTING MY TAXES DONE WASN'T STRESSFUL ENOUGH!!! I drove to the mall closest to me which just happens to be the mall where a mass shooting occurred in 2016 to buy myself a bra THE WORST POSSIBLE THING FOR WHICH TO SHOP IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE but my Coobie bras no longer do anything but smash my boobs into one tiny middle knob on my chest and the mall is very small I would use the word dead but my inner critic barked there for a second still there are maybe three stores and an eyebrow threading kiosk in the whole place the whole entire empty echoy mall I made it to Macy's found a bra and was back in Sweet Lime in under ten minutes I've lost so much weight because of sick I am down two cup sizes and the bra I bought today has air in the cups because they don't make child bras for old women so I'll have to cram some socks in there for filler
after that I came home then ate some yogurt then I drove the other direction to Home Depot for no reason at all I cried all the way there driving 70 mph (the speed limit I only add on account of my lead feet) in dumping cold rain then I turned around and drove back home
Orlando is dying
The Surfer is gone and he is staying gone Orlando is his cat my cat too but his mostly she is 18 years old she is down to about 4 pounds barely eating she doesn't seem to be in pain and she licked some yogurt off my finger tonight her time is near and my son won't come home he can't handle that and his uncle's cancer all of it too much so I am tending to her and if her time comes I will do what needs to be done while my darling son waits with Uncle Dennis in hospice
I made her this little blanket after I made my big blanket she spends most of her time in front of the fire now it's heartbreaking
after that brutal hour and it was brutal because I made the very nice tax lady extremely nervous and she was all sweaty and shit by the time I left taking two pens (free) with me I got in my car and then BECAUSE GETTING MY TAXES DONE WASN'T STRESSFUL ENOUGH!!! I drove to the mall closest to me which just happens to be the mall where a mass shooting occurred in 2016 to buy myself a bra THE WORST POSSIBLE THING FOR WHICH TO SHOP IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE but my Coobie bras no longer do anything but smash my boobs into one tiny middle knob on my chest and the mall is very small I would use the word dead but my inner critic barked there for a second still there are maybe three stores and an eyebrow threading kiosk in the whole place the whole entire empty echoy mall I made it to Macy's found a bra and was back in Sweet Lime in under ten minutes I've lost so much weight because of sick I am down two cup sizes and the bra I bought today has air in the cups because they don't make child bras for old women so I'll have to cram some socks in there for filler
after that I came home then ate some yogurt then I drove the other direction to Home Depot for no reason at all I cried all the way there driving 70 mph (the speed limit I only add on account of my lead feet) in dumping cold rain then I turned around and drove back home
Orlando is dying
The Surfer is gone and he is staying gone Orlando is his cat my cat too but his mostly she is 18 years old she is down to about 4 pounds barely eating she doesn't seem to be in pain and she licked some yogurt off my finger tonight her time is near and my son won't come home he can't handle that and his uncle's cancer all of it too much so I am tending to her and if her time comes I will do what needs to be done while my darling son waits with Uncle Dennis in hospice
I made her this little blanket after I made my big blanket she spends most of her time in front of the fire now it's heartbreaking
goodnight for now Darklings
love
posted by Radish King at 8:14 PM
10 Comments:
Oh god. This is terrible. I don't even have words.
But I will tell you this- I absolutely understand that bizarre compulsion to just step into the vortex of what most people call life and to have no idea why and to find myself unable to break out of it and shaking inside and trying to find the portal out.
Rebecca. I wish Orlando peace, which I know she does have, dreaming her way from this place to that beside the fire under her beautiful blanket. I love you.
(((Mary)))
Love
Oh Rebecca, tears. I hope her journey, and uncle Dennis's is easy, for all you. Much love.
Xoxo
Barbara
Oh Rebecca. I’m so sorry about Orlando. And Uncle Dennis. That blanket you made for Orlando looks like love.
Oh Rebecca, so sorry and I hope that the journey is gentle for Orlando and Uncle Dennis. Keeping you all in my heart.
Xoxo
Barbara
Be brave. Tell your son, if he'll listen, to be brave.
Life is hard. Death is hard. Death is harder when the people who love you walk away.
Forgive me for saying that. My father died alone. He wanted to die alone. His life was private. His death was private. I respected that. Still, I wish I had been there.
My brother died alone. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to die alone. I've never told anyone any of this. About my father. Or, my brother. We didn't get there in time. His girlfriend was afraid and didn't get there in time. His beautiful doctor knew it was time and called (I'm crying) every free staff member into his room so he was not alone when he took his last breath.
Rebecca. I love you. You know that. I know how brave you are. Forgive me for saying what I said. I know you can't make your son be there for Orlando if he can't/won't/can't.
My heart is broken for you. I know how deeply you love your animals gods.
My heart is with you.
My brother didn't die alone. Still, we were not with him.
sweet rebecca, finally I can get access to your site again. Only to find out about lovely Orlando, ready for take off. In front of the fire, with a pink blanket made by you - he's leaving in style.
Love from Amsterdam
Love to you and Orlando. I’m going thru this same thing right now with my beloved corgi. Helpless and heartbreaking. Hoping hoping hoping for more time.
What Elsewhere said that Orlando is ready for take off - it feels true. And what 37P said - the pink love blankie holds him and is YOUR smell and love beside the warm.
We should all be so blessed as we ready for take-off - to be held, loved so deeply that sons and suns cannot be close because the love is big and we know the wound we're about to feel in our souls.
On a different "lighter" note (sorry) when I stopped wearing elastic boob harnesses my life lightened up and I felt better and no-one knew OR cared. HOORAY!
love you,
Hugs
Mary
How are you doing, dear R? Missing you here.
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