Equinox

there I am warts and all

my son is here to check up on me my beloved jailor

last night he said you look gray

today I told him he kind of hurt my feelings when he said it then he said you really did look gray

though I am the same color today as I was yesterday and today he thinks I look fine

do you ever want to kill your children?

not really! HAHA! just kidding! joke!

no worries he is leaving again on Thursday and I will be allowed to move about the plane on my own

today I listened to Geek Love on my iPad and embroidered a pillow case the listening part was spectacular I made it all the way to book two but the embroidery bored me even though I love to do it the meditation and quiet of it perhaps it's difficult for me right now for the same reasons that make it impossible for me to read (again) I want to map my manic a little bit if I can if I can bear it bear witness to it I want to explain somehow attach carabiners and ascenders and climbing harnesses and quick draws and slings and belay devices and ropes and cords and webbing and nuts and helmets and climbing gloves and campus boards and hexes and tape to it I want to climb that fuckery in a safe manner from a distance

so to speak

here is a place to start
some of the strange things I did while in the center of it

1. Joined the only Catholic church in a two hundred mile radius and I mean I truly joined it filled out paperwork gave them my phone number and email and yes information on my divorce (not the first one I always forget that short-lived marriage) I have yet to attend mass though I might on Easter since I bought a beautiful very expensive knee length dress navy blue with a silk lining and long belled sleeves

2. I bought a very expensive dress

3. I went on a HUGE shopping trip at Costco and when I got to the checkout counter with all of it and I mean all of it I couldn't find my credit card and then I panicked and retraced my steps and went to security to see if anyone had returned it 

4. When I got home I found the card on the middle of my living room carpet with no idea how it got there

5. Contacted several people with whom I have been out of contact for fifteen or more years

6. I became certain that I had developed cataracts overnight or was in fact going blind I made an appointment to see an opthamologist in Bellingham then while I was at the Bait & Tackle I tried on a pair of old lady magnifying glasses and I could see perfectly fine

7. I thought my thumbnails were turning blue and this sent me into a panic attack (they weren't)

8. Visited a Universal Unitarian Church in Mount Vernon and became convinced it was a Children of God cult

9. Went to the Bait & Tackle my home store here on the island and word-salad talked and talked and talked and talked to every single person in the store literally everyone and now I am ashamed to go back

10. Repeatedly forgot to take my daily meds or took them twice and one day I took them three times making me vomit

11. I got a sample of Schmidt's Charcoal and Magnesium deodorant and used it for exactly for one month before my armpits broke out in a terrible itchy rash and I got the most disgusting body odor for days until just today when I went back to my regulation deodorant the thing is I know I am allergic to magnesium though not when found in nature

12. Changed all my passwords and did not write them down ahhhhhh! aghrrrrrahhhhhh!!!

that's it for now the beginning of double digits is all I have the eggs for today

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here are some beautiful bountiful gorgeous magical hilarious things I saw during the dark time

1. A deer licking his butt I mean he is an animal and of course he cleans his behind I had just never seen a deer do it before and it made me snort with laughter

2. A deer standing directly in front of a yellow DEER XING sign which made me laugh so hard I almost veered off the road

3.  A coyote in my yard at dusk I hear them every night their plaintive howls which sound like a woman in pain but this is the first one I've seen out here

4. I saw Bill Gates jogging on my beach twice which made absolutely no sense until I read about his tennis match with Roger Federer I do know what he looks like up close I used to work for him

5. I drove to Mount Vernon and saw field after field of cabbage rotting because of our torrential rainfall this winter

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the Johnny Cash Psychiatrist once told me that my bipolar disease appeared in me when I was nine years old I believe it because it explains so much about my childhood I used to dream constantly as a child that I was in a cart on a rickety old wooden roller coaster that was climbing up a click track up and up and up and up and up and up and I frequently panicked thinking it would never reach the top and begin its descent that's pretty much what bipolar1 mania is like I think I was dreaming my own diagnoses even as a child

Thank you Darklings for reading here for not judging or for being quiet about it if you do I am not 100% yet but every day gets better and forgive me my typos

Love