Pig and farm report
a relief from numbness today light rain last night soaked my plastic deck chair and the coral and white polka dotted beach towel with which I covered it the rain also watered my potatoes and strawberries and fancy snow peas and lettuces which are all that have sprouted so far I have been managing to write every day though I always make fun of writers who write that they are writing every day because that's what we are "supposed to do" but I am specifically writing about Henry and now about the contents of his room and I rarely do what I am supposed to do
it took me seven years and three months to be able to delve into this material without suffering fevers headaches nightmares terror panic attacks and flat out fear
I want and need to answer your comments here I am sorry for being so very late
yesterday I baked an elaborate loaf of bread ate two pieces then tossed the rest away panic baking at its best and how rich how incredibly wealthy am I to be flush enough to throw away flour and oil and egg and milk and cheese
today my son is gone and I can care for myself I can be myself I can relax a bit this morning I was reading in bed and Jupiter climbed onto my chest and pressed her head as hard as she could against my face which is hard indeed (I had to turn my cheek so I could continue to breathe out of my nose) and she purred and kneaded my hair for a very long time such intense animal love such intense goodness we exist here in the forest the two of us a strange marriage watching the birds and deer and bunnies and frogs together
I should start about my day or I should get back into my notes before I lose courage
two visitors yesterday this doe casually walking past one of the outbuildings here at Summer's End as I stood on the deck drinking my coffee until she saw me and hissed the same way Jupiter hisses when walk next to her right hip the hip that was fractured when I adopted her not a spitting hiss but a hiss nonetheless
Love
it took me seven years and three months to be able to delve into this material without suffering fevers headaches nightmares terror panic attacks and flat out fear
I want and need to answer your comments here I am sorry for being so very late
yesterday I baked an elaborate loaf of bread ate two pieces then tossed the rest away panic baking at its best and how rich how incredibly wealthy am I to be flush enough to throw away flour and oil and egg and milk and cheese
today my son is gone and I can care for myself I can be myself I can relax a bit this morning I was reading in bed and Jupiter climbed onto my chest and pressed her head as hard as she could against my face which is hard indeed (I had to turn my cheek so I could continue to breathe out of my nose) and she purred and kneaded my hair for a very long time such intense animal love such intense goodness we exist here in the forest the two of us a strange marriage watching the birds and deer and bunnies and frogs together
I should start about my day or I should get back into my notes before I lose courage
two visitors yesterday this doe casually walking past one of the outbuildings here at Summer's End as I stood on the deck drinking my coffee until she saw me and hissed the same way Jupiter hisses when walk next to her right hip the hip that was fractured when I adopted her not a spitting hiss but a hiss nonetheless
Love
posted by Radish King at 11:03 AM
4 Comments:
Raining here too, drip, drip, drip and also the slippery sound it makes when it falls on the giant glossy magnolia leaves and slides to the ground. I am glad you got a bit of relief from the numbness. I am glad for your animal gods and companions.
you inhabit a magical kingdom with jupiter at your side. you are safe to engage with henry there.
Mary I am always grateful for the rain. The numbness at least is grief not depression which I know sounds weird but one of the ways they meaning they diagnose bipolar 1 is that depression and mania have no triggers they just appear like a wounded animal on your front porch. What I mean to say is that I am sad not depressed. The sadness moves in and out of me in waves. Today I danced again for the first time since Dennis died. I danced up and down my hallway and into my kitchen then around my kitchen then back out. Oh the deer the birds every single time Oh! every single time. xoxox
Dearest R, you are exactly right. It is magical here I wish you were here to see it in the morning when the sea mist (which sounds like a color of bed clothes) rolls into the trees and then the sun burns through it is stunning and it is so fragrant.
Yes. I had to find safety I had to have animal comfort and release from so much fear and worry to go back to Henry. I never wanted to believe it or admit it because I was always ready to write through anything but Virginia Woolf was right in A Room of One's Own that we need money and room to write. I am singing along with it now thanks in large part to you and your support. xoxox
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