Equinox

this is the first time in 14 or 15 years that I have missed posting on the Equinox but there have been goblins in my head on account of cigna my prescription insurance company deciding I could no longer take doxazosin for no apparent reason

which means a return of daily ptsd related panic attacks
which means no sleep
which means panic at the thought of panic
and no sleep

Crazy right?

New Nurse told me she couldn't get cigna my prescription insurance company on the phone that she has prescribed tons of doxazosin for many of her patients on medicare without a problem ever so she switched me to prazosin which is basically the same drug only stronger and instead of a month's supply of doxazosin for $7 I now have to buy a month's supply of prazosin for $70 exactly that and it has taken me quite a while to adjust to prazosin including almost constant nausea so I called my regulation doctor and asked to get my promethazine which I have taken on and off for three years for nausea refilled but cigna my prescription insurance company told him I could no longer take promethazine but I could take zofran which cigna my prescription insurance company told me three years ago I couldn't have because it was a controlled narcotic also promethazine $10 zofran $30

basically I now pay cigna my prescription insurance company $50 a month to be MY DOCTORS it is crazy yes I am crazy and this post is ugly with all those meds named but it is hard not to think that cigna my prescription insurance company really just wants me to pay more money to the pharmaceutical companies that control my well being even my normal state of paranoia sees the fault line there even my crazy can call utter bullshit

other than constant nausea I have been loopy as hell but not tired which has turned out to be rather haphazard for me because I keep falling into furniture and bumping into walls and tripping over my own good sense for instance I carried a bowl of yogurt into my bedroom a few days ago and slammed myself into the highboy and dropped the yogurt on it and on my beautiful rug and believe me that yogurt flew and last night I decided to glue my glasses back together with superglue and after I punctured the tiny hole in the tube it glurgled out all over me and I glued my hand

I seriously should have taken a photo of that good god my hand turned white and instead of taking immediate action I continued gluing my glasses as the glue bonded itself to me for eternity then I spent most of last evening scrubbing my hand in old nail polish remover and surfboard wax remover then picking it off now my hand is red as a lobster claw

clearly I can't and won't drive
or shop
or dance
or go for a walk in my own goddamned forest

I did pick what seems to be the last of my vegetable garden including these hugeass potatoes that I planted last year along with some tomatillos and chilies and prickly cucumbers

I made a shit ton of strawberry jam without pectin which means I stood over my stove for an hour stirring and breathing in the strawberry sugar and I might have eaten an entire jar of it as I did so last night before I glued my hand I made a large jar of salsa verde with the tomatillos and peppers and some onion and some cilantro and some lime simple and delicious and green

yes yep uh huh this post is every bit as boring as I expected it to be and I apologize there is a lot of noise in my head right now mostly worry over getting my brain righted in its rotten housing and politics

I did successfully buy a new doorknob for the hallway closet

baby steps Bob, baby steps

one more photo of my beach this morning then I'll fold this post eleven times and put it in an envelope and leave it in the middle of the forest for the bears to find

hello and love from Summer's End where it really is for true autumn