Apocalypse shopping in the Anthropocene

I took myself to the doctor last night [my son took me] late and dark we slogged through ice and mud up the hill to his truck it began snowing as soon as he started it up earlier that day I had meant to go to the library and the grocery store but I was frozen on the my soft couch which had swallowed me in its gray cushions and faux fur blanket having become its own animal mouth I did not go to the library or store because I was in day five FIVE! COUNT EM! FIVE! of a rolling panic attack and I thought I was dying my left shoulder ached which was of course a heart attack never mind that I had actually rolled off the bench onto the floor in the veterinarian’s office which I didn’t figure out until this morning I had made an extreme shopping list to restock my pantry with everything literally  everything  and my son who kept hovering offered to go to the store so out of embarrassment I whittled the list down to the four things I actually needed I transferred money from my savings account into my checking account in case I got completely snowed in or had to go to the hospital or died

Yes.

I actually thought I was going to die for five days

it wasn’t until I climbed into my son’s truck last night to go to the doctor and told him what drawer my clean underpants were in in case I had to go to the hospital with you know DEATH that I realized I was having one doozy of a panic attack he laughed at me and I laughed too and he said he had wondered why I transferred money and the whole underwear drawer conversation and I told him about my real shopping list the list for the end of the world and we laughed all the way to the damned doctor who told me I was in perfect health but I was having a panic attack and she gave me a sheathe of paper printed materials on what panic attacks look and feel like

it’s impossible to imagine this I’m pretty sure unless you’ve been inside it yourself

it snowed this morning and big snow is expected tomorrow so today I am going normal for me shopping and to the library and Wolfie is fine and Hal is sitting on my lap with a snuffly nose they both have head colds no infections I made it back to the vet with Hal Monday without fainting or dying and the world seems to have righted itself

Hello from Summer’s End where the fun never stops