Sunday, January 12, 2020

Dog in possession of the last false smile

my teeth on the upper right side of my face hurt

When I saw a photo of Jeannine  looking radiant at her reading last night in the city I realized my personal color palette and I don’t mean in a 1980s Color Me Beautiful way (which I managed to escape by only wearing jeans and t shirts and steel toed boots during the day every day and at night for rehearsals and a number of floor length fancy black dresses to play during concerts because that’s what I did I worked in the factory then I went to rehearsals and played in the concert hall come to think of it the same still applied throughout the 1990s and 2000s and actually pretty much forever though I’ve abandoned the steel toed boots)

I will honestly wait until I get such a terrible headache that I can’t sit up before I rule out a brain tumor then check my credit score to find a dentist

okay my train fell off the track there after crashing into a flock of moo cows a metro bus and a player piano and you can see I tried to contain it unsuccessfully in parentheses so I will try again

it might be from banging my head on the floor when I fainted at the veterinarian’s office she said hopefully

this morning I was zipping through this blog looking for some color to appease my weary eyebulbs and except for a couple boring photos of produce all I saw were gray dark green bluish gray browns more dark green gray browns etcetera I found the same in my photos

boring photo of produce

this is the same color crave I go through every winter but the difference between now and then is that I no longer feel trapped and dead ended I know I can walk for a few minutes and the entire graybluegreen world is at my feet

I think they’re rotten I never had dental care as a child and could never afford it as an adult and I have already lost so many

what my original thought was here is that maybe the previous owners of my house who gleefully painted the inside guts with so much unbogly oranges and reds knew what they were doing and no not even three years later have I begun the Herculean task of repainting I still feel barely moved in even though everything has a place and I’ve pared down to essentials and my closets are tidy my garden is in place my sour dough starter has taken on island flavors and I have finally grown into the pulses and beats of a weather driven and water surrounded life

Dentists terrify me and feel invasive in a PTSD panicked body cringing way and rob you as they go 

I want to bake bread today and Sunday weirdoness is eating itself under my skin and bread is amazingly hard on teeth and now I want to buy a bunch of summer sweet bright yellow corn off the back of a flatbed truck at the Skagit River and I want and I want and I want

I think I just need to go to the river and have a stern talk with my mouth tomorrow then go to the Skagit co-op and fill my buskets with what ever color jumps out at me

why are teeth so shameful

at least now I have a plan which helps time to go to the beach



Blogger 37paddington said...

Rebecca, please go see the dentist. Your teeth are connected to your whole system and untreated issues there can wreak unbelievable havoc as my husband discovered when an untreated abscess under a tooth ended in a month of incapacitating back pain leading to open heart surgery. Maybe your son will go with you but I feel like an evangelist about this. Please, my love, just go. All will be well.

January 12, 2020 at 10:30 AM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Why ARE teeth so shameful?
Because they are the visible guardkeepers of the open portal to the inside of our bodies?
I don't know. But listen to Rosemarie. Don't let it go too long.

January 12, 2020 at 10:45 AM  
Blogger LKD said...

I have a friend at work who did not visit the dentist for years because of her extreme fear of dentists which she explained had partially due to feeling violated by the whole stranger's hands in mouth end of things, but also, due to a feeling of suffocating claustrophobia. She found a dentist here in Ohio who will put patients under light anesthesia in order to perform even the most basic dental exams and cleanings and of course, to tackle the more difficult stuff like fillings and crowns. I do not and have never had dental fear or anxiety or shame but have been suffering this past month from a dental issue that seems unsolvable but I am keeping my head up and trying to persevere. Please research and see if there is a dentist in your area who can help you out as my friend did. It was life changing for her. She goes to the dentist regularly now without fear. My heart is with you, Bear Girl.

January 12, 2020 at 1:13 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

Dear LKD I was actually thinking I could do it that way this morning even if I have to get someone to drive me to the city yeesh. Thank you ❤️

January 12, 2020 at 1:16 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

Y’all know that I know how important teeth are right? Y’all now that I know that bad teeth can kill you right? Y’all know that I’m 66 years old and just wrote that I’ve never had any good dental care right?

January 12, 2020 at 2:07 PM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Absolutely. I'm sorry. You are loved.

January 12, 2020 at 4:39 PM  
Blogger 37paddington said...

Dear Rebecca, I did not mean to make you feel worse. I’m sorry. I should know better.

January 13, 2020 at 5:17 AM  
Anonymous jeannine hall gailey said...

Love to you and your color palette. (Blues and greens are what I picture you in, to match your eyes.)
Ugh, teeth. I have this damned infected broken tooth that's been bothering me since before Christmas and I will go under with Versed which was $500 (not covered by insurance) because I am allergic to novocaine and I am terrified. Now I've got TMJ acting up as well. Teeth suck and I've wished for a long time for cyborg shark teeth instead of these little time bombs. We had radiation in Knoxville and Cincinnati but we also had fluoride in the water but I don't know that it helped. My forties have just been one long string of teeth breaking off and then having to be replaced with expensive crowns. There should be national dental care and I would fight for that to be a right for every human really really hard because it is painful, expensive, and it just seems that it should be either one or the other. One thing I've always been jealous of Tom Cruise is his extraordinary veneer teeth.

January 13, 2020 at 11:23 PM  
Blogger LKD said...

If you've never had good dental care, I'm so sorry. I had no iea. I've had excellent dental care my whole life. I guess I take my good experience with dentists for granted. Please know that my heart is with you, bear girl. Do yourself a favor and find a dentist you like and trust. I do know, after having experienced twice in the last 2 months care providers who were so lacking in compassion and empathy that I felt invisible to them, as if I wasn't even in the same room with them, that I realize how overall lucky I've been in my interactions with the medical community. It makes me shudder to think that some folks never experience caring medical care providers. I do so hope you find a dentist who will help you and give you the care you need.

January 16, 2020 at 10:15 AM  

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