Saturday, December 31, 2016

Notating Jerusalem

It is snowing on Camano Island and I am annotating Jerusalem an oven inside my face sloop down carelessness paranoia utter sadness regardless.

Little Bear is gone.
It's my fault.

The dog crate I bought for him broke as I was carrying him into the house and he fell and it frightened him he turned and looked at me in despair then ran off into the dark forest. I search for him until morning and every night calling calling calling so he knows where I am he is so timid so afraid and now snow and now fireworks and now rifle shots.

Eight days gone.

Every morning every night and every time I step out the door I call him I search the forest calling his name.

My son says stop  stop I know I sound the worst kind of insane.
I can't give up.

I rescued him then I failed him.

Terrible guilt.
Terrible grief.

9 Comments:

Blogger Ms. Moon said...

It is not your fault. Please know that. I am so sorry. I love you.

January 1, 2017 at 6:11 AM  
Blogger Maryrose Larkin said...

ooooo Im so very sorry

January 1, 2017 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger LKD said...

Oh, my goodness. I keep mistyping godness. Please know that that the animal gods are taking care of him. Please know that it is not your fault. Please know that you gave him love and kindness, home and heart, things that he maybe never knew and never had.

Keep calling for him. Every night, when it is quiet. He is a survivor. He is out there.

I am holding you as tight as I can. I am holding Little Bear tighter.

The most important thing you gave him was hope, and the important knowledge that all human are not terrible. He trusted you. Maybe, if he never comes back to you, he will place the trust you gave him in some other kind-hearted stranger.

Oh, Beargirl.

January 1, 2017 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger LKD said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

January 1, 2017 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger liv said...

FUCK !
So many could have's.
I'm sad for him, I'm sad for you.
Do what you have to do, 'cause only you can decide that. I love you and I am sorry for your pain. x0

January 1, 2017 at 1:12 PM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Oh my goodness, I just see this and it breaks my heart. I am so very sorry.

January 1, 2017 at 2:46 PM  
Blogger Pam said...

Thinking of Little Bear and you...hoping he hears you calling his name. xo

January 1, 2017 at 6:34 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Oh god. I am back here reading and this. I am so, so sorry Rebecca. I am hoping that Little Bear found some beautiful dwelling in the woods and has other creatures waiting on him, bringing his food and nestling down with him, warm in the night.

January 2, 2017 at 11:27 PM  
Blogger Marylinn Kelly said...

Oh, I am so sorry. No wonder there is sorrow. Of course it is not your fault. Sending love. xo

January 3, 2017 at 2:06 PM  

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