Notating Jerusalem

It is snowing on Camano Island and I am annotating Jerusalem an oven inside my face sloop down carelessness paranoia utter sadness regardless.

Little Bear is gone.
It's my fault.

The dog crate I bought for him broke as I was carrying him into the house and he fell and it frightened him he turned and looked at me in despair then ran off into the dark forest. I search for him until morning and every night calling calling calling so he knows where I am he is so timid so afraid and now snow and now fireworks and now rifle shots.

Eight days gone.

Every morning every night and every time I step out the door I call him I search the forest calling his name.

My son says stop  stop I know I sound the worst kind of insane.
I can't give up.

I rescued him then I failed him.

Terrible guilt.
Terrible grief.