Monday, February 6, 2017

Waist deep in the big muddy

Is this thing on?

I don't know how to crawl out of this hole of dead air so I will begin by writing that I have been sick (pancreatitis a doozy too for weeks) and this morning I cooked and ate the first thing I have eaten since I had a veggie burger (at the Dari-Delite in the header photo in Mount Vernon 17 miles away the only veggie burger I've found between here and Seattle but a damned delicious burger made with their own burgers with real vegetables in them) that came with a giant sized bag of fries and a tart horseradishy tartar sauce) also I puked so violently and so many times that tiny blood vessels popped on both sides of my face so it looked like a child poked me all over my face with a red pen I didn't even know until my son came home and asked me what the hell happened fortunately the broken skin horror has disappeared I don't know why and I don't want an explanation all the while though I dragged myself out of bed every damned day in my jammies in order to stay human and drove 8 minutes from my house to this beach at the state park that looks out at Whidbey Island and The Saratoga Passage

my feets and yes I'm still wearing the old man sitting at a bus stop shoes the same damn shoes I've had since I went to Chicago in 2011

what I eat for elevenses (not really)

yesterday I forced myself to sweep and mop and do laundry and stuff though everything has remained clean since I sequestered myself to my bedroom during my ill and also I have been extremely depressed but I could not write it here because I was depressed enough to hurt myself to do great damage to myself and once several years ago I wrote about such a depression and someone far away called 911 and an emergency vehicle filled with lovely strong young men arrove at my house the old house and it was awful and distressing the depression was much much fiercer this time than the pancreatitis and of course the pancreatitis which is directly related to stress and all those stupid ulcers etc the depression has been getting weirdly better each day weirdly because instead of going away overnight as per usual it is going away the way a cold goes away incrementally which I suppose is the way of the Ninja with bipolar disease which is of course degenerative

Oh to be mentally disabled in current America good crispy christ but this line of writing makes me want to puke my hearty breakfast of red beans and rice which already feel like a mistake inside me

here are my feets this morning this time in my moccirunners standing on the deck there is a great deal more snow now than there was then yikes and it's still coming down

I have discovered a lot of the island like the wilderness "adventure camp" which is not a camp at all but a place where they send bad children to scare the shit out of them in the woods just minutes from Summer's End! and I finally met the companion llama who told me her name was Sheila the horses she is supposed to companion are snooty though the other day in the sun I saw one of the horses rolling around in the grass with a look of sheer glee and the amazing birds all over the place including swans out of nowhere and owls hooting through the night so loudly that I went out and hunted around for signs of them and found several of these umm--mouse sized pellets if you don't know what an owl pellet is you must Google because it's fascinating and now I know at least two trees in my yard house owls

owl pellet Nature's Own Trash Masher

around the house because I'm all writ out

a man standing on a snail on the south side of the house I will soon soon soon be digging out that rhododendron and planting tomatoes in its toothy hole

in the kitchen

my son had a birthday

in one of the living rooms (? yes) Sally yes I'm too elderly for stuffed Animal Gods but hey it is what it is which is one of those trite sayings that mean absolutely zero of nothing

and in the bathroom the place where I put the shells I pick up everyday on the beach yes that's a gargoyle holding his nose

I know I know too many photos but I am still trying to find words and now I have to stretch out on my bed and wait to see if the beans are going to stay in

thank you if you've read this far my Darklings and thank you for staying with me through one of the longest nights of my soul



Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Oh Rebecca! How very good it is to find you here again. And I love each and every picture because we can get a sense, an idea, of your house, your forest, your deck, your island. Your owls, your llama, your beach, your horses rolling in the grass.
It is so worrying to hear how sick you've been. I did the same thing with the blood vessels on my face when I was in labor with Hank between all the puking and the pushing. But never again. Not with three more babies and so I can only imagine the force of what you've experienced. And damn the depression but maybe it is loosening its grip- oh, how I hope so- because it's just so horrible.
I want you to be well and to be happy and to be at peace. All of those things.
And I know that all of my wishes don't mean a damn thing in the grand scheme of it all but still- that's what I wish.
What I want.
We are here and we are sending love, as we have been.

February 6, 2017 at 2:15 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

Hi Mary! Thank you. Your comment made me cry nut in a normal way. HAHAAAHAHAHA! Damn I love you woman.

February 6, 2017 at 2:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry pancreatitis struck again. I felt depression running so deeply too. Wishing you peace and swift healing.
I love the pictures and your home. That octopus and tiger are pretty special. So are you. Welcome back dear poet.

February 6, 2017 at 4:45 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

Darling Barbara thank you for being a constant light filled presence here through my long night.

February 6, 2017 at 4:54 PM  
Blogger Joanne said...

Rebecca I sensed you were sick and I was worried about you. I'm glad to see ''tis post and so sorry you've been feeling so bad. I hope the beans and rice stay down so that you get some good nutrition. Depression is a bitch. Sometimes I can't get out of bed and no one understands and they yell at me "for my own good" but it makes it worse. I love you so much dear girl. My animal God and me are sending you such warmth and healing and goodnessđź’•

February 6, 2017 at 7:29 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

Mary kept me apprised of your illness and I sent you loving thoughts but that sounds silly here on the internets. I miss you, Rebecca. I loved reading this long and beautiful and winding road of a post. Be well always.

February 6, 2017 at 7:55 PM  
Blogger Elle Clancy said...

So good to see you writing again! Your home and its surroundings are so beautiful. I am sure that is such a source of comfort.

Be well!

February 7, 2017 at 5:32 AM  
Blogger 37paddington said...

Oh Rebecca, how awful that you've been dealing with all that. I'm relieved to hear the depression seems to be loosening its grip, day by day. I hope it will continue to recede. I absolutely loved every single picture in this post, so no, not to many at all. God, I have missed you. I'm at a loss for words, so I'll just hold out love instead.

February 7, 2017 at 8:39 AM  
Blogger N2 said...

So glad to see you back here, Dear Rebecca. I've been looking for news and missing you. So glad that the black dog is starting to recede to a more comfortable distance. Hope the pancreatitis will do the same. Sending hugs from here. x0 N2

February 7, 2017 at 10:48 PM  
Blogger EILEEN said...

I love your photos... Thanks for sharing your life -- you are a generous spirit.

February 8, 2017 at 9:22 AM  
Blogger margaret roncone said...

I am so happy to see you here once again Rebecca...I sensed you were in a dark hole but so relieved and happy to see your lovely words reaching us again...islands are beautiful in snowfall but please tread carefully~! xoxxo

February 8, 2017 at 5:59 PM  
Blogger Pam said...

I love your photos and especially to imagine you in all the different spaces outside inside the owls the octopus snow and sea and always you at the center holding on and holding on xoxo

February 9, 2017 at 7:07 AM  
Blogger Marylinn Kelly said...

When I saw the part about the red spots I thought, ah ha! yes, labor and childbirth, as Ms. Moon said. But that is serious, prolonged womit, may it be over, concluded. What a terrible, long siege. I am so sorry, very glad you are better. One could never be too elderly for that octopus stuffed Animal God, what a beauty, looking to be a creature of some size. I, too, delight in your photos. It is easier to picture you in your new surroundings. A Dari-Delite with veggie burger, well that's a recipe for happiness. Depression is such a thief, it stole from me for years and years and I didn't even know. We do need to hoard and protect the good that is us, save it for what matters most. No easy task, especially when depression sneaks up with its companions in ill-intent. You have created for yourself and your son a warm and comfortable home, a sanctuary. May you be well and strong to get the greatest joy of it. We all wish this for you, dear Rebecca. I love you. Good things times infinity. xo

February 9, 2017 at 10:52 AM  

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