Saturday, January 7, 2017

fake it

using the good old 12 step program idea of fake it til you make it I got up this morning made coffee got dressed and walked to Madrona Beach which looked like this

then I went to the French bakery for two still warm almond croissants
why is there a French bakery on an island on which only 17 people live?
I don't know but it's here and the baker Pierre Fauvet (yes really French) asked me if I wanted him to put the croissants in a box because they were still warm
seriously still warm
I bought an apple pie there on Christmas eve because Christmas was so fucked for us and I didn't have the heart to bake I had one taste of the pie it was amazing but I had to throw the rest out

after the bakery I drove to the Farmer's Cafe taking Angella's sound advice and the entire place was filled with noisy children and it turns out they were two kids' soccer teams and I felt them swirl around me as I sat alone and lonely I got my potato rancheros to go most of it in a little styrofoam box then I came home and dropped the styrofoam box in the mud room potatoes and guacamole and fried eggs scattering on the floor

I am depressed now actual depression and as soon as I got back home I got back into my nightgown again and Orlando sticks close to my side here she is asleep on my giant bed with the starfishy quilt

more snow geese were flying in hundreds of them in perfect flight formation they are stunning

this feels like a nothing post because I feel empty emptied of thought of creativity of connectivity of human


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hoping the emptiness won't last but I know the feeling. Wish I could hug you warmly. I love the starfish quilt. Love to you.

January 7, 2017 at 1:57 PM  
Blogger 37paddington said...

you once coined the term radical loneliness on your blog. it went through me like a jolt, because that is how it is sometimes. i am sorry there were two soccer teams in your morning but maybe tomorrow will be better at the farmer's cafe and the mud room won't eat your breakfast. you are entering a brand new world. take it slow. let it be what it is, dear rebecca. but keep going where you can see people, maybe once a day till you imprint this new place where you are, and let that human energy, even soccer team energy, swirl around you. Then go home to your beautiful home and know that we are all there with you in spirit, a freaking chorus of people who love you, filling up your rooms.

January 7, 2017 at 2:14 PM  
Blogger Joan said...

Dear Rebecca, I wish I had caught up with my reading sooner. Oh, Little Bear-- you must miss him so. I know it's been a week, but if you have a vacuum that you used in the Slumhouse empty the contents in your garden and perhaps he will recognize the familiar smells. I wish I had something more to offer you. xx

January 7, 2017 at 2:34 PM  
Blogger liv said...

I wish I had something clever and helpful to say, but I don't. It is a "don't" day here.
But I agree with all my heart with every single word that 37 said xo

January 7, 2017 at 6:33 PM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Depression is having its way with me too. I woke up this morning and the tears began to leak.
I, too, went out into the world and it was difficult but I did it and I am so proud of you for getting out there and walking to the beach and going to the bakery and the Farmer's Cafe. SO PROUD!
Fake it 'til you make it. It sounds...ridiculous but shit- it's worth the try.
I love you.

January 7, 2017 at 6:52 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

I am sorry that you are depressed and hope it lifts, fades, leaves, soon. It wasn't a "nothing" post, though. It was beautiful to read.

January 7, 2017 at 7:33 PM  

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