movement like water
things that have changed in the last 90 days:
I no longer fear the phone ringing
the forest does not press down on my chest at night the trees do not frighten nor do they oppress now
at dusk I listen to the owls from my deck throating huge echoes back and forth to one another
at dusk I listen to the frogs from my front porch they are noisy and happy
new music (owls frogs)
I have a dog friend Arthur who I adore even though I stepped in his poo in my slippers yesterday
I sleep with my binoculars and in the morning I listen to the wind and watch the sky
a hawk lives in my yard his legs are thick and feathered each time he comes I become entirely still
strangers have been stopping their cars on my dead end road and wandering around with cameras with giant lenses these are birders harmless people with as little interest in me as I have in them and I know this island is a birder's paradise
my smart watch reminds me to breathe mindfully for one minute every hour
there is no longer pain in my stomach
I still weep for my lost LB but I now believe I can someday forgive myself
I have a brand new doctor close by I see him tomorrow for the first time then I can fire the fake doctor doctor nurse and DOGNURSE is next except I need her for another year in order to ease my way through SSDI matters (I have to prove I'm still crazy after all these years to a caseworker this year and I'll need a note from DOGNURSE though I could just have them call the hospital haha)
I think I might become a writer again
my violin is awake
yesterday at the grocers I bought an honestly sweet watermelon four honeycrisp apples yogurt cauliflower an avocado roll cottage cheese provolone cheese and pre-made tomato soup as I don't have the energy to stand long enough to chop veggies to make it myself I almost fainted in the store no pain but no strength either
I dream of my soon to be garden constantly I make lists and have drawn plans
there is a blue spruce in my forest so startling and gorgeous I just found it two days ago
my Japanese maple is growing red leaves
I have such great joy and delight in watching my land open its fists to spring
things that "come right back up" and must be avoided:
wheat anything
eggs (eggs and I have never got along but now my body violently rejects them)
*
none of this is what I wanted to write about though
I got a notice for a class reunion and it got me thinking about the (then) boy who tortured me all through junior high and into high school by grabbing and rubbing my breasts and cupping my vagina pushing me against the wall in the music practice room shoving his tongue down my throat as he groped me and other horrible things I started thinking about him and I did a wee Google search and indeed I found him and now he lives in Texas with his children and grandchildren and he goes to church and plays violin in the church orchestra and of course I never told on him I never told anyone I didn't even speak to anyone until I was 27 and my life then was in grave danger without that asshole who gravitated toward my shy my weak my nearly invisible and the truth is I want to out him here I want to write his name here over and over until he Googles himself one day and finds out that I have done so and this horrifying man in the White House makes me think of being raped I cannot even look at his face without feeling that specific sick without feeling attacked and this (then) boy who made my skin crawl but who was more powerful than I keeps floating around in my brain his sweaty little hands his disregard for human decency up in his church there in Texas playing his violin I wonder if he is still vile still groping still harming I suspect so I wonder if there were others other sad silent wounded girls
that's what I really wanted to write about
*
Good spring morning Darklings it is light now and today I'm going to drive to the next town over to find my new doctor
Love
I no longer fear the phone ringing
the forest does not press down on my chest at night the trees do not frighten nor do they oppress now
at dusk I listen to the owls from my deck throating huge echoes back and forth to one another
at dusk I listen to the frogs from my front porch they are noisy and happy
new music (owls frogs)
I have a dog friend Arthur who I adore even though I stepped in his poo in my slippers yesterday
I sleep with my binoculars and in the morning I listen to the wind and watch the sky
a hawk lives in my yard his legs are thick and feathered each time he comes I become entirely still
strangers have been stopping their cars on my dead end road and wandering around with cameras with giant lenses these are birders harmless people with as little interest in me as I have in them and I know this island is a birder's paradise
my smart watch reminds me to breathe mindfully for one minute every hour
there is no longer pain in my stomach
I still weep for my lost LB but I now believe I can someday forgive myself
I have a brand new doctor close by I see him tomorrow for the first time then I can fire the fake doctor doctor nurse and DOGNURSE is next except I need her for another year in order to ease my way through SSDI matters (I have to prove I'm still crazy after all these years to a caseworker this year and I'll need a note from DOGNURSE though I could just have them call the hospital haha)
I think I might become a writer again
my violin is awake
yesterday at the grocers I bought an honestly sweet watermelon four honeycrisp apples yogurt cauliflower an avocado roll cottage cheese provolone cheese and pre-made tomato soup as I don't have the energy to stand long enough to chop veggies to make it myself I almost fainted in the store no pain but no strength either
I dream of my soon to be garden constantly I make lists and have drawn plans
there is a blue spruce in my forest so startling and gorgeous I just found it two days ago
my Japanese maple is growing red leaves
I have such great joy and delight in watching my land open its fists to spring
things that "come right back up" and must be avoided:
wheat anything
eggs (eggs and I have never got along but now my body violently rejects them)
*
none of this is what I wanted to write about though
I got a notice for a class reunion and it got me thinking about the (then) boy who tortured me all through junior high and into high school by grabbing and rubbing my breasts and cupping my vagina pushing me against the wall in the music practice room shoving his tongue down my throat as he groped me and other horrible things I started thinking about him and I did a wee Google search and indeed I found him and now he lives in Texas with his children and grandchildren and he goes to church and plays violin in the church orchestra and of course I never told on him I never told anyone I didn't even speak to anyone until I was 27 and my life then was in grave danger without that asshole who gravitated toward my shy my weak my nearly invisible and the truth is I want to out him here I want to write his name here over and over until he Googles himself one day and finds out that I have done so and this horrifying man in the White House makes me think of being raped I cannot even look at his face without feeling that specific sick without feeling attacked and this (then) boy who made my skin crawl but who was more powerful than I keeps floating around in my brain his sweaty little hands his disregard for human decency up in his church there in Texas playing his violin I wonder if he is still vile still groping still harming I suspect so I wonder if there were others other sad silent wounded girls
that's what I really wanted to write about
*
Good spring morning Darklings it is light now and today I'm going to drive to the next town over to find my new doctor
Love
posted by Radish King at 8:31 AM
12 Comments:
Yes. About all of this, Rebecca. From the sublime to the sewer dweller who makes me think of all of the men who dared to touch me.
I want to think about your hawk, mostly though. Your garden too. And you. Brave. Afraid of less every day.
Mary I keep looking at my emerging garden through your eyes. Yours and my brother's he has one hell of a green thumb and so do I. And so does my son The Orchardist. And that hawk oh Mary oh he is incredible. I do think you would love it here as different as it is from your place. xox
I think of you living in your forest and I am envious. I was born and raised in the city and I am scared of a lot of things. You paint such a beautiful picture of where you live and I yearn to be in such an environment yet I don't know if I could do it. I'm glad you are not in pain and I pray for increased energy for you. I am also glad that you are finding some animal spirits to keep you company. Your picture makes me happy dear Rebecca. I love you. I'm sorry for your pain in life. I know you've endured too too much.
The things you no longer fear are so powerful and hopeful. Hold fast to them. I hate that that man then boy preyed on you and that his name rattles around in memory even now.
I'm hate what happened to you and hate that he plays violin with those nasty violent hands. I love that you aren't in pain.
Xoxo
Barbara
You've outed him and we feel him and we all revile him. I can't wait to visit you and listen to owls and see birds with my own bird photographer. They are weird and gentle people. I am so glad that you are feeling better. Have I told you lately how much I love your writing, how I am lost in it in the best way, the flow of your words and thoughts and the merging of them. Thank you.
Good luck with the new doctor!
I have the same response to Trump. I found out through relatives that the guy who raped me when I was six who told me not to tell or he would kill me died of meth addiction a few years back.
So glad you are feeling free-er and less pain-y and make sure you get a huge load of zofran from the new doc and take good care of your stomach. They think a lot of my food allergies developed when my liver tumors started which makes sense I guess - our bodies get overloaded so easily and now I have to eat a completely different diet but at least I am alive for now with the flowers. This morning in Woodinville there is a mist over the valley and hyacinths and cherry blossoms and lots of hummingbirds.
Love.
Dear Joanne, you are such a consistent and lovely and loving champion! This healing business is tedious and one step forward two steps back. Thank you for being patient with me.
Love
Rebecca
Darling R, yes and yes and yes. The more I reveal certain secrets the more women tell me their stories. We are all sexual suspects to quote the fictional Jennie Fields. We all have stories of abuse. It is staggering to me.
Love
Rebecca
Barbara, no pain this morning. Thank you! I am so glad you found me here in the wilderness the greeny greeny wild.
Love
Rebecca
Elizabeth, I want to out him harder I'm still turning it over in my brain he preyed on me my weakness. I'm glad to let air out of that particular balloon here and thank you for hearing me and thank you really hard for saying that you still like my writing which feels forced and wooden to me these days though. Nausea makes it difficult to create art not to mention sitting up.
Love,
Rebecca
Jeannine, darling good girl, I am glad your rapist is dead. I hope he suffered horribly inside his addiction. I think I got a very good doc this time he was careful kind open (I had to discuss my mental illness of course in giving a complete medical history something that always feels horrible and shameful but he told me that he served in Iraq in the shit saw such awful things and companions that now have PTSD from the war) he also said he'd have no problem prescribing my psych meds if I needed them. We have hummingbirds here now too and this morning I discovered an ornamental cherry tree in my back yard with tiny deep pink blossoms. I will know what kind of cherry as it matures. I was thrilled to see it.
Love
Rebecca
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