Fires large and small

To-day I wrote a poem that terrified me
To-day I read extensively about preplanned cremation through the Neptune Society I like the idea of paying for it now to save my son any surprises if I accidentally die
To-day I read this article about Lifespring which I attended twice in 1975 it is comprehensive and interesting at least to me I loved the training which pried me out of my nearly pathological shyness and allowed me to finally speak in other words I discovered my voice I still use relaxation techniques I learned there one specifically in which you relax all your muscles with breath (an ancient yoga technique) and then you build a house from the foundation up and when you get to the top of the house or enter your favorite room of your imagined house you can invite anyone in or open the door to anyone who might be outside when I taught yoga in the late 70s through the mid 80s I used this guided meditation at the end of my sessions my ex Jim also took the training and when he "graduated" which involved balloons and dancing and candles which we all carried like the acolytes we were I accidentally caught his hair on fire also I broke one of their ground rules repeatedly which was not to drink smoke cigarettes or take any kind of drug during the training specifically I smoked pot each night because I was working a factory job (not at the Lazy B quite yet) and the training didn't end until midnight and I had to get up at 4:30 to drive to work and sleep has always been tricky for me it would be for you to if you lived with night monsters
To-day I walked the perimeter of my forest slogging through mud groundswell and rain and right after I returned to the house the sun came out and it warmed up haha on me
To-day I emailed and reconnected with a friend I haven't really talked too since forever though I did tell her I was moving St. Catherine
To-day I feel wrecked
To-day I am a mess
To-day I am the so what girl






so what?
so what?
so what?


Love