and still, there are roses

they aren’t fancy or cultivated just wild strong resilient climbers below my deck they are blood red though the photo I took this morning makes them look pink but here is proof of beauty they give me such hope in spite of this week’s panic attack I have been free from the horrible floating anxiety that plagued me for months for almost three weeks now

I am so thankful for the Johnny Cash Psychiatrist pushing me for two years straight to figure out the difference between panic and anxiety in myself though at the time it seemed like an endless repetition of where were you what were you feeling what did you think was going to happen how long did it last and now I know deep in my body that the panic won’t last but the anxiety is a different beast also I remember my last appointment with him when I used his bathroom then couldn’t find the trash bin then had a panic attack right in front of him which caused him to panic and he made me lie down and he gave me a giant triangle shaped Ativan that was apparently  just rattling around in his desk then he retired then died right after that and my brother told me he had seen his obituary and I was pretty sure I killed him

I swept my floors this morning (and collected enough cat hair to make a sweater for a small child) so I can mop later I ate red beans and rice and made an executive decision to keep the television off I need a break from the endless stress inducing news cycle once my bones thaw (from walking around outside early morning in my nightgown but it smells like Jesus’s own summer camp out there) I’m going to the beach then to the farmers market for now I’m sitting by my little propane fire place watching the feral kittens play with a three foot long black string with plastic aglets on its tips that appears to be a shoestring from a size 47 man’s shoe I’ve no idea where it came from but I bet this winter when some tent size thing flaps open I’ll have my answer the kittens have been running through the house holding it by its ends as it drags behind their bodies like the world’s longest mouse tail

Hello Darklings hello is it winter where you live do you have a pumpkin on your porch Jupiter the Magnificent Witchy Cat sends black cat regards from Summer’s End to you