Christmas Cow

I have become that person and I don't care the Christmas cow fills me with light and joy and good humor and hot chocolate and melted cheese and tinsel and candy and figs because you have to admit she's funny the bell around her neck actually rings dear bog

I have felt this specific joy for six years now especially around the mayonnaise based holidays that used to pinch and anger and hurt I wondered once if I would ever get through a Christmas morning without sobbing I wrote last year about holding Christmas in my heart like Jesus and that is precisely how I feel again only obscenely early (according to my darling son) my darling son is one of the main reasons I feel so goddamn jolly that and the fact that I've been able to save $5000.00 this year by socking away money a set amount every payday and each time I wanted a book and got a library book instead I put the money the book would have cost me into my savings account and that gray cashmere sweater at Macy's I've been looking at and pining for each time I finally decide to buy it I instead put that sweater money in my savings account and each time I wanted to buy anything impulsive I resisted and saved the money and here I am flush at almost Christmas

I spent four hours today building a lasagna for my son a lasagna with bechamel and marinara and ricotta and mascarpone and mushrooms and fresh chopped spinach and zucchini and onion a couple months ago I had to replace my six year old iPhone because the phone could no longer support the OS other than that the phone looked brand new because I really barely use it the new phone was fucking expensive and now my son's phone no longer holds a charge so I told him I would buy him one in December because I depend on him to have one so I can call him if for instance I fall on my head and break my neck and need to call for help and because he does so much for me I don't write about it here but I am not able to function well on my own for more than a month at a time I haven't been able to work since before I lost my job at the big airplane company the truth is my son is my caregiver the truth is I am crazier than you might think and I need help a lot of help sometimes oftentimes I cannot even drive myself to the store much less clean pine needles off the roof and that boy man saves my life all the time so I told him yep on payday December 1 I will buy him a new phone but I told him they are exorbitant so that's probably all he's going to get for Christmas

BUT...

I lied!

yep and I have already bought all his Christmas gifts including a gorgeous cozy lumberjack plaid giant blanket for his bed a grown up stick blender and a brand new iPad because he has never had a computer of his own and he keeps asking me to watch videos on his phone which makes me bonkers but mostly because he is an amazing human being who never complains about anything he is so exceptional I can't even believe it

the lasagna is in the oven my son is on his way home so I have to hide the Christmas cow for one more month and I am happy in my deep stupid heart

love to you Darklings in this green season