Pig and farm report

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and was immediately hungry so I brewed some coffee then ate a crapload of guacamole and chips but the chips were blue organic corn so it was totally healthy right? RIGHT? I know ugh then I had a panicattackoutofnowhere about ten minutes later my shoulders and neck tense my muscles threatening to roll and drop me so I took some Ativan

I thought I had escaped the long heavy awful scaled barbed tail of my family of birth nightmare holiday scenarios that had dragged behind me my entire life but now I have to wonder now I have to look honestly at myself instead of trying to force cheer from the outside in which it turns out can only flow along the surface for a short time this also explains the panic attacks I had for three days in a row when I baked the doomed challah so now that I’ve acknowledged it’s still there (I always knew) now that I’ve caught a glimpse of its root in the mirror I can carry on

yes and no but mostly yes

my son lithely dropped to the forest floor to shoot that mothership mushroom that is so huge it seems to be trying to lift my house from its foundation it is hubcap sized and strange and fantastic Thanksgiving will only be the two of us but I’m cooking for all his friends too who don’t have families as I always do for us it is a day to indulge in food I only eat once a year buttery rich dressing hollandaise sauce that took me years to perfect salad with candied pecans and Boursin cheese and raspberries mashed potatoes with real cream and of course pumpkin pie it is a day to relax and for my son who is remarkably normal it is a day in which he visits his friends and their families I used to cook for huge gatherings even in my tiny house friends who had no place to go and for a very long time for my ex husband which my son requested then I eventually lost touch with my friends or felt too uncomfortable around people to function and I realized that having my ex there was terrible because I had cooked for him for ten years without ever receiving a thank you when we were married and I knew when I stood in my kitchen one year making vegetarian mushroom gravy and was considering poisoning him that it would be his last meal at my house ever did I resent him for leaving my year old son and me to fend for ourselves with no child support forever you’re goddamned right I did and I still do

I am glad now that I was pushed out of the messy matrimonial bed where I was never happy to go to work in the factories to be self sufficient enough to put my son in private schools to care for him and build a home for us to watch him become such an outstanding human to teach and play music professionally to write and be published to eventually earn a union won pension to survive and thrive against all odds I am proud of what I have done

sorry to unload so so much on a late November morning ice crusted and rich with enough green for the whole wide world I was going to write about how funny it was that I made two pumpkin pies every Thanksgiving forever because the only pumpkin I saw in stores was Libby’s and it only came in the big can and I always had one pie too many but clearly my little train fell off its track and here we are with Prince Hal stealing this incredibly thick and soft plush throw that I bought here on the island he now patrols the blanket by marching up and down the back of the sofa like a crazed soldier fending off any would be pretenders to the throne for instance the other cats or my feet

good morning Darklings especially those of you who swim under water toward light this time of year good morning and godspeed