Monday, February 24, 2020

On the anniversary of my mother’s birth

     Doesn't she miss that house? the young woman asks, that big, beautiful house in Uxbridge? For a moment Lol doesn't answer, all eyes are upon her, something, a sort of shudder, passes across her eyes. She freezes because of something going on inside her, what? unknown, savage leitmotifs, wild birds in her life--how can we tell?--which wing through her from side to side, and are swallowed up? and then, after they are gone, the wind caused by their passage subsides. She says she doesn't remember ever having lived there. The sentence remains unfinished.
~Marguerite Duras, The Ravishing of Lol Stein

I woke up early and went outside in my white skirt and boots to watch the sun rise to give the seagulls and ravens my left over bread and angry raisins and hair I gathered from my brush. The sound of no rain and bird song woke me. Good hot coffee blue sky tuna for the cats.

I dreamed I watered my cactus. I dreamed a long scrolled piece of paper upon which my sins and good deeds were being accounted for were being shaded in by a lead pencil. The sins were shaded over and over until they were a black ribbon and the good deeds were erasing the black.

It's so quiet this morning I hear the train whistle all the way from Mount Vernon. Sometimes sound carries weirdly over the water. There is something comforting about a train whistle. Something old fashioned and ghostly and solid and forsaken. I once rode a train from Spokane to Montana. It took several days. I was a girl. I read and rocked and read and rocked. I lived for a little while on Flathead Lake. I lived for a little while on a reservation in Havre where I chewed resin from the trees until it turned to gum and ate rosehips and sang church songs.

Mahler sings Kindertotenlieder tends the forest keeps an eye on the magnolias which is how I keep going forward. I don't even touch them (only once forgive me) I just watch and keep track and wonder at all of it. It's a still day. I listened to birdsong and the train and I am forgiven my sins. My trees lift up their hands.

from the kindertotenlieder

Now the sun prepares to rise as brightly,
As though no misfortune had befallen in the night!
The misfortune befell me alone! 
The sun, it shines on all mankind!
You must not enclose the night within you, 
You must immerse it in eternal light.
A little lamp went out in my firmament,
Hail to the joyful light of the world!

Thursday, February 20, 2020

Movie review revue


Almost as weird as The Oregon Country Fair.


The Oregon Country Fair:

Wednesday, February 19, 2020

I went out

I drove to the pharmacy then I drove to the organic store in Mt. Vernon where I bought a pile of bright green tomatillos and some baby turnips and rainbow carrots and beets and cheese then I came home made a couple pints of salsa verde with serrano chilies and popped the beets in the oven and I was rolling along quite happy then I had or caught or came down with maybe a rager panic attack that knocked my breath out now I’m on my soft gray couch with Jupiter on my lap trying to watch Press and my back muscles are tightening and I wonder as I always do if my happiness has been a wee bit manic because of nothing and also because I really should be worried about my situation which is that remember when my psychiatrist New Nurse moved and I changed doctors to continue to see her it turns out my new clinic’s “behavioral health” department doesn’t take Medicare!

OH, FUN!!!    she screeched

that’s right! Now I have to hunt for a new psychiatrist again and go through all that intake nightmare again and it’s been almost four months now since I last saw New Nurse who dumped me on Christmas Day and I’m almost out of bipolar etc meds so I picked a new new psychiatrist at random out of google a psychiatrist near me and I got a referral from my new regulation doctor and I’m waiting for old New Nurse to forward my records because she apparently can’t fax them to new New Nurse so she said she’d mail them to me and I have hurt feelers and I am angry that she has had two months to figure out that her new place of employment does not accept Medicare and I wonder how many other patients of hers who have Medicare who thought they would follow her are going to be surprised and it’s just a big shit show and why is behavioral health only for those who can afford insurance?

here is some of my delicious hot hot hot salsa verde and Jupiter sunning herself in this gorgeous early spring yes I know it’s 30 degrees but I say it’s spring

Also I have eaten an obscene amount of brie 

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Pig and farm report

they’re having this week long hoodoo on the island called Glass Quest in which people hunt for clear plastic balls which are hidden around the island like Easter eggs which are then exchanged for some crap art glass balls with swirly paint on them I call this week BaubleFest and when I find people randomly digging around in my forest and on my beach I snarl and yell at them to go away because they tend to leave a mess behind them including empty starfucks cups and piles of dog shit not to mention young children and dogs wobbling out onto the road untended this year they’ve torn the yellow caution tape off the trail beginning where the bridge washed out it’s easy enough for an adult to jump the bridge but the woods up there right now are muddy with trees tipping over right and left and big chunks of the mountain sloughing off and it’s very dangerous

last night I dreamed there were bus loads of people leaving the forest waving their arms out the windows and I was yelling at them to go away so basically my waking life seeped into my dream life which left me exhausted when I woke this morning still I managed to bake a pretty loaf of sourdough bread because I started it two days ago and it needed to be addressed:

Miss Sourdough
Camano Island WA

it was delicious I figured out that my sourdough starter is now 21 years old and can have a glass of champagne if it wants

something terrible happened to me yesterday that had nothing to do with my trip to the dermatologist and nothing to do with my darling son and everything to do with me being freaked out enough to drive in the almost dark to the state park last night to yell at the baublehunters but I can’t write about it until it resolves itself

it looks like spring around here the camellias are blooming and there are yellow buds on the rhododendrons and all the fields are chock full of snow geese just in time for The Snow Goose Festival next week which is a real thing also it was sunny and hailing today

Sunday, February 16, 2020

I went out

I went shopping big shopping at the grown up grocery store in town the real grocery store and I didn’t have a panic attack until I was standing in line but I paid and threw everything in my cart by myself because the kid who was bagging groceries was too young and and new and slow and I did not want to pass out on him or worse though there isn’t much worse that’s happened to me in public except for crying and maybe that time when we were on strike at the big airplane factory for three months and a church lady invited my son and me to dinner because we were as usual so poor me being a single mother to a young son who was in a private school that didn’t care that I was on strike etcetera and I wore a long black sweater to the church lady’s house and didn’t realize until I was carrying her leftover lasagna to my car that a pair of my underpants were stuck to the back of that long black sweater throughout the entire long sad meal

I did make it to my car this morning before I had what felt like a heart attack and what has felt like a heart attack ever since

tomorrow I get to go out again to yet another doctor a dermatologist this time so yay because there is nothing more fun than having a stranger inspect every inch of your body with a magnifying glass then prescribe you drugs that you really really cannot afford because you have a skin problem that is only for rich people who can don’t mind paying $3,000.00 per every 27 pills and that is not an exaggeration after my appointment though I have promised myself a trip to Gyro Stop now I have three doctors and if I ever make it to the dentist I’ll have four then one more if I can ever afford to get my eyebulbs looked at and the fun never stops when you’re old and crazy with bad skin and weak eyes and rotten teeth

in other news there is a new palomino across the road from where Speck and his mean pony Mr. Poops live and a coyote loped across my deck chasing a rabbit the other morning shaking my entire house and I saw a huge raccoon amble up my path last night so all is well on the island and all is well with me even though and even though it’s Sunday

Waking up in spite of it all which feels like spring

I have a cough which entered my body the way a bird or small animal would enter it flew or crawled into my mouth and inside my chest when I was standing at the beach during a windstorm my head is happy maybe the cough is a diorama in the medicine chest of my imagined illness

I’m going to go stand in the garden and yell at my tulip bulbs for a bit

Mini Movie review revue

Loved it

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood
Loved it

Really really really bad just so awful bad all of it terrible

Bohemian Rhapsody 
Only really bad I couldn’t stop watching Rami Malek trying to fit his lips around Freddy Mercury’s teeth this was incredibly distracting but the music was pretty good though not pure Queenly only partially Queenly

Little Women (1994)
I loved this book when I was a girl and I loved this movie in 1994 but it feels extremely off now I haven’t seen the new version yet but it seems that Marmee in spite of her transcendence only wanted to marry or bury her daughters and all the creeping on Jo by American Psycho Patrick Bateman at the coming out party ugh and then Jo gave him to her stupid sister? and Jo married the man who hammered her manuscript twice really? REALLY JO? REALLY??? what really sucked is I cried at the end of the movie in my bathroom because I didn’t have a manuscript tied in raffia ready to go off to be published in New York even though I do and I realized I would never ever be a published author even though I am one good thing about this movie is it reminded me that I did have a girlhood which I sometimes question even though it was lived inside of books

Now I’m exhausted from all this nothing please don’t doctor me I have taken on a Holy shirt to prepare for Easter

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

Pig and farm report :: a nothing burger post

Are you watching the shit show that is our government right now?

This morning I washed my hair then drove to the Skagit River walk with my head still wet and my head froze then I drove up the Cascade Loop into the mountains as far as I could go until I found the washed out highway and had to turn around the flooding around here is scary I saw little farm houses with cars and trucks literally floating in water up to their windshields in their yards the cornfields and Christmas tree farms are flooded too

there was a picture of the Overlook chicken coop in the local newspaper but I love that damn chicken coop and it made me too sad to post it here

after my road trip I stopped at Taco Del Mar then came home to eat and my head is still frozen


Sunday, February 9, 2020

A woman is born twice

Once through blood
Again through blood

I spilled over my regulation Sunday horror spilled over I walked to the kitchen heard Somewhere Over the Rainbow on a tinny childhood radio Sundays a black resonance secrets hidden meanings my inner cake fell my heart tried to escape my chest I made a mess of my kitchen butter sugar flour yeast a single orange yolk from Jack the Egg Man cinnamon I sat on a kitchen chair taking my own blood pressure over and over and over every five minutes in fact there are no facts am I dying the doctor says my blood pressure is normal my blood is normal my glucose levels and cholesterol levels are all normal all of it normal but here is my heart bleeding for Seppuku bleeding for Fridays at the Pearl Oyster Bar in New Orleans bleeding for Henry’s dream horses bleeding for coronavirus victims on a cruise ship bleeding for Amerikkka I am coming down with a ragey case of insanity my heart bleeds for Dorothy Gale and Alice Liddell and Elsie Paroubek and Violet Vivian

A woman is born twice
once through blood
Again through blood

A third time through the kitchen her kitchen every kitchen in the known world

I wish I had a zombie font so I could type


and then put my arms in front of me and stagger around drooling 

I’m making cinnamon rolls for the Dutchess

100% full

This is the All set about with fever bees moon

Saturday, February 8, 2020

Pig and farm report

that is now yard where the Overlook chicken coop used to be

it stopped raining long enough for me to swim up the hill to my mailbox this morning only to find a jury summons for my son coiled and damp like a snake jury duty out here on Camano Island means you have to drive for 45 minutes to Mukilteo and take the morning ferry to Whidbey Island there can be a three hour wait at the ferry on week day mornings because it’s close to the big airplane factory

I was going to make myself black beans and scrambled eggs for breakfast but my son is coming home this afternoon and he’s going to freak out about the jury summons and now my stomach aches thinking about his freaking out so I can’t eat

my white roses have a scent but it isn’t rose scent it’s florist refrigerator case scent also a scent I love as it speaks to me of excitement and anticipation but it’s not helping this morning so I’m abstract cleaning and trying to get by with standing on my front porch breathing like the fish I am

I will return after my son’s freak out

Valhalla is burning and the white male gods are falling into the fire

from Frankissstein by Jeanette Winterson

ps. There was 100% no freak out yay

Thursday, February 6, 2020

I’m free, as it were, of the complications of normal human entanglements, untormented by the beauty, complexity and challenge of a big, magnificent and often painful world.
Human behavior remains a mystery to me.
~ Anthony Bourdain,
Bali, 2006

the end of Kitchen Confidential left me in tears in a year that is already broken

Pig and farm report

This is the first time I’ve been able to post a video here from my phone now I can see the video from my phone but not my little Barbie dream house computer blink once if you can see the video twice if you can’t the Overlook Hotel chicken coop was flooded this morning but the house owner got her babies to safety before her entire yard got flooded and I mean it is A LAKE and the firemen are there trying to hold the storm back I am fine and I will be fine but my trees are intact the floods happen when people tear down their trees to have manicured lawns I have had a lot of things happen this week but I’m working my way backward into them the most important thing is I saw my new regulation physician finally got a referral to New Nurse aka my shrink aka Ann and a bonus round complete physical and guess what? I’M COMPLETELY NORMAL!

really.        I know. I laughed too.

I deleted the ghost video of the flooded road and stuck in this picture of the white roses I bought myself as a gift to myself for doing my taxes early and for surviving the rest of it including the prolonged blood letting

white roses to counter the distinct blood taste I get in my mouth whenever I get a blood draw as if
I’m calling it back 

Sunday, February 2, 2020

Pig and farm report

I stayed in bed for three hours this morning drinking coffee and listening to the not wind.

Saturday, February 1, 2020

That’s how we crones laugh. ~ Mary Moon

The power has been on and off and on and off and on and in between I’ve put ice in the cooler taken a bath and washed my hair and left the water in the tub so I can scoop it for the loo once the power goes out again which it surely will I made a huge mess of guacamole because I had too many avocados go ripe all at once I did a giant load of laundry which sat in an awful warm mess in the dryer for half an hour during the last go round I filled all the water jugs and bottles I filled my two large hurricane lamps and was a virgin trimming my wicks I sent Mary pix of my mess of a forest including this poor little tree cut down in its prime near the road

and she made me laugh so hard and I couldn’t stop laughing I needed it so much also the wind makes me a little bit crazy


even walking around in what used to be my yard slash forest was ankle bustingly dangerous this morning as the entire forest floor is a foot deep with debris that looks like this and it unsettled my feet as I sank in and crunched and sank in deeper

I just ran in the laundry room and put more time on the dryer got dam why did I cram so many clothes in there

Love for now,
Laura Ingalls 

Pig and farm report

my power came on around 2 a.m. but I know it won’t last as the wind is still severe and the rivers are flooding and power is out all over Island County and Snohomish County next door I drank a strong pot of black coffee this morning and yesterday I stocked up on water and toilet paper at the bait&tackle I’m pulling on my boots and wolves (I actually typed woolies but autocorrect was magik for me) and I’m heading outside to check for dangerous dangling tree branches make sure none of my forest has escaped to the road check my car just basic stuff then I’m going to make myself a giant hot breakfast if I can

it is barely light even though it is well past sunrise the sky is a pissed off sea creature and I don’t blame it not for one hot second my son won’t be back until tomorrow I miss him

it sure gets dark here at night when I lose power with not even my little bathroom nitelight glowing it is disorienting like the moments before you faint

Love to you Darklings in these strange times