Sometimes when we feel like we’re opening up we’re actually falling apart.
Kidding, Showtime

Pig and farm report

last night I dreamed I was in a hot air balloon and I smelled something acrid burning and I realized I was holding a pen aloft and its tip was on fire

the night before I dreamed I was being prepared for death first I was washed with a soft sponge but no hands were touching me then I was dressed in soft green silk pajamas with a sheer silk caftan of the same material and color over my son sat behind me in a row boat and I was not afraid

other than theses two miracle dreams I’ve been full of rage and monsters from my past like most every other woman and feeling person in Terrible America right now

Peace

#National Punctuation Day

I read that on Twitter this morning and laughed and snorted

Also puncture punctured and punctures all showed up as spelling suggestions before punctuation which is alarming and really who among us is not alarmed these days all the time every moment

Good morning Darklings I woke at 2:30 this morning and could not get back to sleep so I lit the fire ate an apple made a pot of strong tea and started watching a new show on Netflix called Maniac then I stopped watching after thinking about the etymology of the word maniac which of course is mania

From French maniaque, from Late Latin maniacus, from Ancient Greek μανιακός (maniakós), adjectival form of μανία (manía, “madness”)

So it goes

Also this

it was a true relief to hear from the court system when I told my son about it he said hey you beat the system which is 100% untrue I have done jury duty many times in the past and served on two different cases this is because I am insane not because I am trying to beat anything except perhaps my son

I'M KIDDING PEOPLE ALSO HE'S 6'5" AND EXTREMELY FAST AND STRONG

reading this gave me two immediate feels

1. relief

2. sadness because this is a document that proves just how entirely insane I am I had the same feeling when my SSDI was approved today yes I know I'm insane and I'm okay with it but I think I hide it pretty much when I have too which is a false belief and probably typing this goes further to prove I'm insane rather than telling myself I am only partially insane the comforting lie

Pig and farm report Equinox

yesterday morning I stood out in the front yard looking at St. Francis who moved himself from the deck to a new spot where he can watch the rest of the Animal Gods who visit Summer's End and the owl in the photo above flew right over my head toward the roof and my heart was still busting right out of its red cage when it flew back over my head and landed in that tree where it watched me for a good five minutes this is not to say that St. Francis moved himself my son did that also this is a True Visitation and a harbinger of autumn which has been here on the island for at least two weeks

this week I planted 120 tulip bulbs in two of my raised garden beds I am still picking tomatoes and I am not yet sick of the fruit itself every morning I eat an apple or two from the boxes in the pantry which makes me think of David Foster Wallace's mother who described apples as the broom of the system 

I am writing this morning because I am in the middle of a wind storm with rain and oddly warm temperatures and my power has been flickering on and off all night and right now I have it I'm warming up soup and have the fire going I am used to this dance it's almost always because of trees whose root balls have dried during the summer who decide to topple onto power lines

I'm growing out my bangs which is not news but is a pain I am only growing them out because I can't afford a haircut quite yet because October is the month I pay taxes on the house this morning I put hair spray on them to keep them out of my left eye which has PINK EYE from allergies don't panic it isn't the catchy kind and I promise you won't get it from me but it makes me feel hideous and craven and I have taken to wearing my sunglasses when I go shopping which ends with me putting unknown items in my shopping cart because the prescription on the lenses needs to be stronger I also found a ribbon in my junk drawer and have tied it into my unruly hair and it made me remember how much I love ribbons I always have and it made me remember one of my last days at My Ex Glamorous Job when my work wife Tina-bo-dina asked me to put her hair in a tie and I did it too loosely and she said you can tell you never had a daughter which inexplicably or perhaps explicably made me feel intensely sad

I have wisely given up the weird joy of having everything in the house brand brand new as the feral kittens pay no attention to my efforts to get them to stop running over everything including the soft gray sofa the kitchen table and my head

this might be the most boringest blog post ever but all is right in my world

Barbara I owe you mail thank you for all the Animal Gods you have sent

Dear Darklings I hope you are feeling joy this autumn first it is a day of known magik

go outside

Love

Young corn

Pig and farm report

today two associates from my innerlube factory showed up to put two signal boosters in my house they were here for about a half hour and I did not get paranoid I did not cry I did not think they were going to kill me and I did not die inside that half hour which lasted about fifteen days as I sat frozen on the sofa and the cats howled like wolves as they were sequestered in the bathroom

I did however take an Ativan

then I went out during a rain lull and picked all these beauties which look like almost pico de gallo + a small salsa verde (I still need limes and cilantro) I have only been able to grow nine tomatillos this year so far the yellow and purple are the sweetest the peppers are growing everywhere that there is a jalapeño and a serrano they are big whores and commingle right out in the yard where everyone can see the jalapeño will go in the pico and the serrano will go in the tiny salsa verde

good bog the tomatoes I eat at least one a day usually squooshed between two pieces of bread slathered in mayonnaise sometimes cut up and tossed in scrambled road eggs sometimes in a quick marinara and the poor cherry tomatoes haven't even come close to the house as the deer and my son and I eat them right off the vine like candy I doubt any of my tomatoes will get canned or frozen this year

then I finished my first interview question with Tom which felt good and right I have never enjoyed doing an interview with anyone else and then my brain turned back on pretty much as close to normal today as it will ever be

Love

Dear Universe,

I want to give a poetry reading The Sea Glass Carousel in NY because it is one of those places of deep deep magic in America I want the reading to be inside in the carousel reading in the glass oh can you can you imagine?

Pig and farm report

There's a point between what you want people to know about you and what you can't help people knowing about you.
Diane Arbus


I am almost back among the living I am at least no longer manic no longer rapid cycling and I think the depression has left but it's hard to tell because the Seroquel still resides in my blood a smirk demon that gives no fucks for my well being I took more this round that I have ever taken before in my life

I called DOGNURSE and emailed her my jury summons and told her I needed a doctor's note also spoke to the court DOGNURSE said she faxed them her note but I will call the court again and make sure because I honesty do not trust DOGNURSE to do this correctly this is not paranoia it's just covering my bases the penalty for not showing up for jury duty is $100 per day or 3 days in jail so yes I could go to jail if I don't make sure all my crazy ducklings are in a row

my son appeared with two giant boxes of apples from his orchard that are now in my pantry the galas are new to his land and they are delicious and the difference between fresh apples and apples that have been frozen for a year and then thawed (also known as all the other apples) is stunning I made an apple pie yesterday using the last of the applesauce I made last year to beef up the pie filling and the golden delicious which are perfect for baking and I'll make applesauce in December when I get to the middle of the boxes

I started a new interview with Tom Beckett this morning and that is diving in deep waters because my brain hasn't fully recovered but I'm a day late and typing here is connecting with you but also avoidance

I'm waiting to hear back from my editor on Queer Wing-ed trying not to be anxious about it

rain is back and it's time to plant my tulip bulbs but the temps have suddenly dropped and I'm in no mood to sit in the mud at least not today maybe tomorrow though I have until December but I might not since the weather has changed so drastically we don't have temperate autumns here anymore and it might freeze early like it did last year

this photo doesn't do justice to how big these boxes of apples are but they sure are pretty

I'll be back as soon as my brain turns itself on I apologize for the wooden stilted writing here

Love

Pig and farm report

Day 2

the Seroquel Death Pill did not work last night it still took me hours to get to sleep and I woke up and immediately drank 12 cups of coffee then mopped my kitchen floor then changed my sheets again then did two loads of laundry then danced but my dancing felt haunted not joyful and last night I drove to the store where I spent an insane $80 on absolutely nothing then almost hit a car as I attempted to drive out of the parking lot

my son has been driving me almost everywhere but he doesn't understand why even though I've tried to tell him and he won't be here until tomorrow

later yesterday afternoon I got a jury summons from Island County in the mail which means I'd have to drive an hour get on a ferry pay for said ferry then drive to the courthouse on Whidbey Island get there by 8 AM wait for 8 hours then drive home in the dark and that sent me spinning then I called my son and whined about it then I fretted

I ended up calling DOGNURSE to tell her I needed a note excusing me from jury duty because I can't drive myself I never know if I will be up or down or inside out and the thought of it terrifies me and now I'll have to speak to her on the telephone which is ugh then she'll want to see me for herself to judge my crazy and probably try to get me on her scales again ugh ugh ugh I also confessed my mixed features episode to her because they are rare and shrinks get really excited when they see it much like physicians seeing conjoined twins

my house is really clean though the floor sparkles the counters are crumb free the sheets are cotton clean and I am running in circles inside myself

Seroquel is an anti-psychotic

anti-psychotic
anti-psychotic
anti-psychotic

that's going to look so grand on my resume haha

according to WebMd if you're interested

What Are the Symptoms of a Mixed Features Episode?

Mixed episodes are defined by symptoms of mania and depression that occur at the same time or in rapid sequence without recovery in between..

yeah this describes it perfectly

• Mania with mixed features usually involves irritability, high energy, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.

yep this too especially all of it

• Depression during episodes with  mixed features  involves the same symptoms as in  "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.

no feelings of suicide but the rest of it yes

so

back on the Zombie Seroquel anti-psychotic tonight thinking I might have to take one sooner maybe even two a day for a while in the past it has knocked me out with one dose this round is a bugger

dear Darklings

I am so glad you are here

Pig and farm report

this is a placeholder in case I lose my place

yesterday I woke up with a cotton stuffed head signaling depression it lasted all day then I went outside during a big rain storm the first of the season and dug up the rest of my potatoes

this morning when I woke the depression was gone and my left shoulder blade ached up and down its meridian

then I ate two breakfasts which were only one breakfast but I'm not much of a breakfast eater unless it's for dinner

now I'm preparing to bake an olive oil and orange cake

this might seem simple but the truth is that I'm rapid cycling which is the joy of depression and mania hitting me at the same time

the truth is that I'm writing it here so I remember so I can track so I know how long it lasts so next time I can remind myself

the truth is that it's awful and terrifying not one thing not the other a roller coaster ride fuckery

I will take the dreaded zombie Seroquel tonight then sleep the sleep of the living dead and hopefully knock it out of myself in a day or two

the truth is typing this made me cry

see? see? proof

I'll see you on the other side

crazytown

xo

One delicious package

Finished

I finished Queer Wing-ed tonight and I printed up a hard copy to send to my editor tomorrow

that only took ten years twelve if you count the two years I worried over Darger after first seeing his paintings at the Frye Art Museum in Seattle

But finished

















now what?

I suddenly feel wildly untethered

Love

I finished editing the book today which is a huge relief now I'm putting together my acknowledgements and thank yous the hardest part is remembering everyone spelling your names correctly then putting them in alphabetical order then I have to find all the places my poems were published but that's easy since I keep a clean spreadsheet on where I've sent just about everything ever then the title page then the dedication then it's off to my editor both a paper version and Word document and then I will pace around until she's had her way with it then out to the publisher one or three or five but I will finally be free to write something new to breathe creative life into someone something other than Henry Darger

Happy Labor Day Darklings

Love
Rebecca
Union and Proud for 40 years and the eight years I worked without a union (my last eight with the company) was the only time I got laid off

xo