I found these two dragons the portal between them and this time machine on Elger Bay as I was exploring yesterday.

Rabbit Tractate #1

demon salt tree sap

in this my elder

in this my random forest

I string butcher twine

between two cedars

back forth under

and again

and again

my fingers fray

wrap bite sting the bark

break the bark

peel scrape the bark

sweat along the tide lines

visual distress signals

loss of hair

loss of voice

one pennant

a red light above

a white light

danger to small crafts

my body a small craft

ghost propeller bleeding

one red flag

with a black center

on a white light

between two red lights

indicates hurricane force wind

warning!

I stand on his stair

choke the higher limbs

I might fall and break my throat

left wrist

right leg

one square red flag

with a black center

weave and cutcut

the bark leaks

red poison

floating orange smoke

electric distress light

hand-held flares

shove it up inside me

one short blast

means I intend to leave you

on my port side

(island rules)

two short blasts mean

I intend to leave you

on my starboard side

(island rules)

I intend (no)

I intend (no)

I intend (no)

please hear me

sound five short

rapid blasts

if you fail to understand

my intentions

100% full

This is the Shredded Blood Ribbon moon

Legend

fake it

using the good old 12 step program idea of fake it til you make it I got up this morning made coffee got dressed and walked to Madrona Beach which looked like this

then I went to the French bakery for two still warm almond croissants
FRENCH BAKERY!
why is there a French bakery on an island on which only 17 people live?
I don't know but it's here and the baker Pierre Fauvet (yes really French) asked me if I wanted him to put the croissants in a box because they were still warm
seriously still warm
I bought an apple pie there on Christmas eve because Christmas was so fucked for us and I didn't have the heart to bake I had one taste of the pie it was amazing but I had to throw the rest out

after the bakery I drove to the Farmer's Cafe taking Angella's sound advice and the entire place was filled with noisy children and it turns out they were two kids' soccer teams and I felt them swirl around me as I sat alone and lonely I got my potato rancheros to go most of it in a little styrofoam box then I came home and dropped the styrofoam box in the mud room potatoes and guacamole and fried eggs scattering on the floor

I am depressed now actual depression and as soon as I got back home I got back into my nightgown again and Orlando sticks close to my side here she is asleep on my giant bed with the starfishy quilt

more snow geese were flying in hundreds of them in perfect flight formation they are stunning

this feels like a nothing post because I feel empty emptied of thought of creativity of connectivity of human

this is my seventh day here my seventh night
my first night here alone except for Orlando who stays close to me when her boy is gone
truthfully I cannot even stand to look out the back where my beloved disappeared into the forest
seven days ago
seven days ago
and it's so cold 18 degrees
and now tears
and now wailing
and no one to hear
I feel utterly alone
I feel utterly lonely

the gigantic lasagna is in the oven which I have named Lula and the leftover marinara is stored safely away in the black refridgerator which I have named Sailor for obvious reasons and my holly berry nightgown is in the washing machine on account of I got marinara all the way up my g.d. sleeve and I tell you what cooking and baking binges are WAY EASIER WITH A DISHWASHER which I have named Scout

unfortunately I had to put pants on once I threw my nightgown and a couple red spattered dishtowels in the wash also might I add that it is remarkable to do a large load of pots and pans and flatware and knives in the dishwasher and a small load of red spattered (marinara now not blood don't panic) dishtowels in an actual washing machine that I didn't have to drive to at the same time and not have to worry about the house caving in or blowing a glass fuse (yes that old bitchhouse had glass fuses and he never swapped them out even though one of his rentals burned down around the same time and that old bitch hot water heater had bare wires sticking out all over the place and do you remember when the old old hot water heater broke and we were left for two weeks without hot water and when Drunk Dave finally replaced the old old water heater and left us the old newish water heater the one with bare wires sticking out all over the place he put the old old water heater in our driveway and left it there for a month!!! and I called Slumlord and he didn't care it just sat there with water sloshing around inside its bottom ugh and I know Slumlord eventually put it in some other poor person's house that's how he operates)

not a word from Slumlord

I was going to mail his keys to him but I lost his address or rather I have yet to unpack it

too bad
fuck him

*

I think the clock in my Statue of Liberty clock's belly needs a battery according to her it's been 9:30 for over a week now

Thank bog Minority Report is on one of my fancypants cable teevee channels Tom Cruise comes to my rescue!

Thank you Tom.

😍

attempting normal

grief feels like depression but my body knows they are different because I am basically immobilized by depression and with grief I can't stop moving like a shark I feel I will die if I stop moving this morning my son left which is both good and bad I need to be alone for a while but his presence even if he's only here a couple hours each day gives me a reason not to give in to the hot unmanageable tears and loud wailing his presence forces me to swallow my guilt and shame to grow them in my belly like a terrible baby and so a couple hours ago I made a big pot of marinara now I have decided to cook a lasagna with fresh ricotta and mascarpone and seared zucchini and caramelized onions and then I filled a large bowl with frozen strawberries and mangoes and peaches to make a ton of smoothies that I can live on because I honestly don't feel like eating I just want to cook a little while ago I went out and swept the deck in my holly berry nightgown (another good thing when my son is here I feel obliged to get dressed) and no underwear and my long sweater I swept the hell out of the deck kicking frozen pine cones with my slippers the metal handle of the push broom so cold that my hands ached (note to self: don't buy a cheap push broom) then I came in and vacuumed and dusted and watered the plants and watched House until I was sure I had at least eleven highly unusual diseases

I hurt everywhere but I don't hurt hurt but I ache just the same

yesterday I went to The Country Store that's the actual name of the store a huge place that sells everything from cowboy boots to horse tack to hay to canning supplies you name it and it's there and the whole store smelled like my grandfather's barn and I wandered and wandered just breathing it in

I was going to write some stuff here from my diary stuff I wrote before the innerlubes arrived but I'm afraid to write it now for fear someone will think I need to be locked up The Johnny Cash Psychiatrist always thought I needed to be locked up I resisted for obvious reasons i.e. I had a job at the time and etc and also fear of being locked up

here is a fuzzy photo of the snow geese who are now hanging out in a field behind the Dairy Queen on my beloved island it's fuzzy because I can't seem to stop shaking unless I'm playing my violin

love

the snow geese that were lounging about in the field right before the Snohomish River bridge have moved  a mile away from Summer's End yesterday I almost drove into their new field because I was watching them fly in formation right above my car a white sleek swift moving cloud breathless

also there are five horses and a llama just down the road the llama mostly hangs out with a young palomino but sometimes the palomino ignores the llama and then the llama stands sentry at the edge of the fence looking lonely and kind of sad

wild gangs of chickens continue to roam the island like they think they live in Key West they are funny and random and they might be hiding switchblades and chains in their feathers ready to rumble at a moment's notice

next installment: The Death Tree and a definition of crazy

tiny miracle

Waking up in 28 degree weather in a warm comfortable house is amazing. This morning my skin didn't ache when I woke and I did not fear the toilet falling through the floor. I didn't shiver at all. Many tiny miracles smashed in together make life remarkable. I will strive to remember this every single day.

Once it gets light I'm going to the dump transfer station to recycle the mountain of flattened cardboard boxes that threatens to block me from the outside.

Woohoo! Going to the dump!

I am easily hurt and easily thrilled. You might think she's thin skinned POETRYWORLD'S favorite backward insult (you need to grow a thicker skin etc) which is crazytalktalk. You cannot be a poet with thick skin. You must feel everything.

Good 2017 Darklings and love.

this morning exactly at 5:30 AM I dreamed Little Bear was next to my head kneading his blanket purring which is how he so politely asked for breakfast every morning exactly at 5:30 AM

my son my island

we drove for two minutes yesterday and found this beach there my son is up top walking while I jumped in ice puddles

today I drove to the True Value Hardware in the next town over an odd and amazing place where I spent almost an hour looking at every single thing some very strange some necessary for instance a laundry basket and a life sized plastic cow

I need to write more and honestly but I am devastated and my son is gone now so I can weep and wail and etc as befitting a woman of European ancestry and maybe tomorrow I will have the nerve

a note on cable teevee:

it is allowing me to read again right now I'm reading Judith Rossner's Attachments a book I've read at least five times since it was published in 1977

it is a Darkling night

I made a potato and scallion frittata this morning and then my son came home (safely thank the Animal Gods do we ever stop worrying ever ever?) and we sat in the kitchen at the table (I still cannot get over The Table the fact of it the solidity of it the normal of it) and drank coffee and watched dawn arrive through the giant trees and the snow falling

did I tell you I have a washing machine and dryer now? after 20 years of laundr-0-mats I love their sound their smell I bought non-allergic detergent after 20 years of my son insisting we use Tide which gives me rashes though I begged him to not to stop then gave up

a kitchen table an old pale blue tablecloth strong coffee my child clean clothes and no more worrying about that old stupid house and it's so funny to walk through this house and not hear creaks and squeaks and the floors groaning with damp and not have to wonder when I will fall through and just walking around I cover 5 miles a day at least

I have cable now too because it's the only way to watch television out here I had cable once before in 1989 one free month of it that was the first television I ever owned yesterday I watched Portlandia all day I barely moved I was so exhausted from that last week push to get here today I'm reading the newspaper and testing myself to see if I am indeed still human



Nature, nature, I am your bride. Take me.
~~Virginia Woolf, Orlando

the forest is covered with snow a fragrant winter sheet right off the clothesline a chance to turn everything around