Thursday, July 27, 2017


tomorrow I'm heading for the Oregon coast with my son
today I am cleaning the house I washed my car I'm packing everything into her trunk and helped  my son attach his surfboard to her roof
I have bananas and Babybel™ cheese and bottled water for the drive
two days ago my son's friend was walking down the street and a car struck her dead a hit and run
hit and run
hit and run
hit and run
she was 26 years old
her name was Emily

heart breaking

Monday, July 24, 2017


Friday, July 21, 2017

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Secret messages

I have a lot to write so much so that I had to jot it all down in my notebook I will post it later as soon as I'm hungry again I took myself to the Naked City Brewery and had a fried green tomato and spinach sandwich and I am so full I'm rolling around on the floor like a manatee trying to get through a narrow salt water fed river

here is a secret message written on a madrona that is shedding its second layer of bark exposing the bright green underneath these are the most amazing trees I took this photo at my beach yesterday look at that sky O July how I adore thee!
yesterday during one of the power outages I was dusting (I have discovered some unsavory stuff about the people who used to live here I believe they were collecting several welfare checks for their own children and relatives I know because they were exceedingly slow in having their mail swapped to their new address) in the childrens' room which is now the library I discovered this secret message scratched lightly into the window sill with a needle or push-pin so lightly I never noticed it until yesterday the window lock was broken in this room when I moved in I hope whomever wrote this brave message got away I promise I will never paint over it just around it and I send messages to the Animal Gods that all is well now 

everything is important
there are no accidents

naughty tree

I lost power last night and have been losing power on and off all day I had to charge my phone in my car fortunately I lost nothing but a bit of ice in the freezer ahhh! island life! I decided to go for a walk this afternoon after three power surges/outages and this is what I found two streets down bad bad mens with chainsaws OOPS! bye bye power lines hello Island County Power Company
good luck bad mens

Happy Birthday To Me (in nine days) tralala cake twirling in my best dress etc

I just bought this gorgeous pine bookshelf for myself for my birthday isn't it a beauty? thank you to Marcus at Macy's for your superb help
the library at Summer's End continues to grow
I believe one day it will be epic

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Good morning campers!

tomorrow will be the 4th anniversary of my Big Lay-Off from My Ex Glamorous job such a shameful terrible time and I will not cherish it with any of that I will write simply that I could not see the future I could not see my mother ever dying so much so that I received a beautiful card in the mail yesterday and my first thought was oh god no it's a letter from my mother but I think that thought came from the stress of yesterday which included a trip to downtown Seattle to see DOGNURSE who moved her office into trendy gentrified Westlake Center I mostly said HI I'M FINE and showed her pictures on my phone to make the time pass then I told her that I was reading and writing and practicing my violin and she stopped me and said Oh that's right you used to be a violin teacher

she had forgotten that I was a violinist and truthfully I see my self my good clean intelligent insides as these things in this order 1. A Violinist 2. A Mother and 3. A Writer and the fact that she had clearly forgotten that I was 1. A Violinist was just another straw that and the 6 hour drive there and back I could have driven to Portland had lunch and still squeezed in the 19 minutes I spent with her and she didn't even give me prescriptions for my meds she just said she'd fax them to the chemist this after insisting that I HAD to see her to get my prescriptions on paper in order to be legal plus now that she's downtown in the middle of TOURIST CITY her dog can't come so no joy

however I reclaimed my joy by going to the Duck Blood store to buy figs! figs! beautiful figs! which I can't find on my island then I went to the marijuana store to get my CBD caps and was waited on by a man my age who began flirting with me and at one point he asked me What do you do? and I answered I AM A VIOLINIST because I was still pisspot angry at DN for denying one of the most important pieces of my innards for dismissing my self and honestly I like being flirted with especially when the flirter is safely behind a counter then the flirter said Say do you know So-And-So the clarinetist for the Symphony (the big one) and I said sure his son and my son went to school together then we had a flirtilicious conversation and it turns out the flirter and I had met at the clarinetist's son's birthday party and it restored my shaken innards and it allowed me to restore my 1. A Violinist self in that moment and he saw my bee tattoo and said it was royal and I told him that I was the Queen

isn't going to a shrink supposed to make you feel more not lesser after your session? in 14 days I will begin searching for a new shrink in earnest because I am done and done and done with that crap

tomorrow will be the 4th anniversary of my Big Lay-Off from My Ex Glamorous Job and little did I know that last year my horrible mother would kick the big bucket finally get her reward in whatever hell she chose for herself and leave me enough money to buy first a new car then a house with her death will little did I know my entire life would change for the better in that moment that I could rid myself of the Evil Landlord and The Dangerous Mold Infested House In The Ghetto little did I know hell I thought I was doomed forever and my ever loving thanks to those of you who carried me over those rough waters you know who you are anyone who read here and there and commented all of you my electric family who saved me

in ten days I leave for my annual camping trip on the central Oregon coast honestly I am so excited to go that I have packed my tent and my sleeping bag and my little cook stove and everything but my peanut butter sandwiches and thermos of coffee that's all I have to do between now and July 28th and July 29th is my birthday and I feel so good today I could burst but I won't I'm taking myself out to breakfast then I'm going to come home and clean Summer's End from top to bottom and yes I will whistle while I work and yes I will be filled with true joy


ps. I bought a new tent here it is airing out in my backyard forest it is bright as a bumblebee!

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Pig and farm report

yesterday The Surfer left with his tent and sleeping bag etc as he was going to a huge camping party with his friends most of the day I read Colson Whitehead's The Underground Railroad the winner of the National Book Award this book flattened me and I cried most of the way through it in parts especially toward the end it reminded me in ways of Stranger in a Strange Land which as many of you know is one of my favorite books in the top five of my favorites though the two books could not be more different (though they are the same in many ways hard to explain if you have not read Stranger) I read until ten last night with only twenty pages to go I finally had to sleep please please please read this book I felt I was inside history wretched and singingly beautiful heartbreaking with breath open and bravery running through this morning I woke and finished the book again in tears I love that Whitehead mentioned both David Bowie and Prince in his acknowledgements it is cliched to say a book is important but this one is and even though it's history what happens in the book is happening still

I woke also to rain so I opened all the windows in my bedroom and breathed the delicious forest salt water air then I noticed the light in the foyer was off I always leave it on when my son is gone it protects me like a small sun and first I thought the power had gone out as it does here then I thought perhaps the lightbulb had burned out which yikes the ceiling there is 59 feet tall so I would have to get my ten foot ladder out of the shed and stand on my tippy toes to change it I walked to the kitchen with Jupiter at my side to make coffee and the coffee was ready to be turned on the paper in the hopper the water in the tank then hmmmm...did my son make coffee for me before he left (he is the prime coffee maker at Summer's End I am as happy drinking the iced tea in my refrigerator) or did I make it and forget I set the grind to going then peeked out into the far room the Spare Oom or the Second Living Room a huge room in which nothing but my old antique folding table and computer live and there was his truck outside so the rain must have set the camping party backward and I have to admit I am thrilled to have him for another day

I turned on the television without sound because I don't know how many people are sleeping here this morning and there was a computer generated polar bear standing on its hind legs and then a small girl was riding the bear then it seemed someone was going to die so I played with Jupiter a while then I went outside and picked some sweet strawberries and now I'm going to roast some potatoes and onion and garlic for breakfast then I will choose my next book such a delicious choosing one of My Favorite Things and then we shall see

I hope Sunday is treating you well Darklings

in the library at Summer's End

Saturday, July 15, 2017

summer's End in the morning

these are most likely boring images but I love this house and this land so much that I want to record it here so in winter and the rainly seasons I can remember what the insides looked like with the sun bright and good and clean

(does everyone do this when they move into the house of their dreams? I have no idea this is the first time my very first and my very last)


this will be quick because my computer is about to run out of juice and I want to answer as many of your comments as I can now that I am back to normal
yes you can laugh I am
the Seroquel has finally done its business which is to put an iron lid on my fire and make me sleep one thousand days and one thousand nights not to mention making my brain pretty much stop but the mania seems to have passed which means my son aka my keeper will be leaving today and bless him for being here bless him
here is my plan for today that's right the cherries just keep on coming this is how I figured out how many jars I would need vs. cherries they look like jewels to me

here are some of my strawberries last night I draped bird netting over them because while I didn't mind sacrificing some of the berries to keep the birds happy they are little gluttons and are now denied access the huge utterly sweet strawberries will remain safe I have small green tomatoes now and have cut all the suckers off the tall plants and every morning I go to the beach then I go to the garden and fling the slugs into the forest I'm getting pretty good at it

here is my beach three days ago when it looks like this I call it Brigadoon that's Whidbey Island across the Saratoga Passage

here is my beach this morning

both versions are my favorite
I will return when the coast is clear let today be a summer Saturnday in the best of ways


Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I apologize for the serial posting I can only think in increments right now
I went to urgent care for my finger and the nurse pulled the bee stinger out from under my fingernail where it had lodged itself so tomorrow I have to go to a real doctor to get her mess fixed
I can't take my seroquel tonight because it makes me sleep for 14 hours and my appointment is at 8 AM and this is causing me stress

my son brought me peaches apricots and 40 pounds of bing cherries from his orchard

and I turned them into this for winter's bone

here is a young girl throwing a huge weight over her head in the Highland Games

I bought this tapestry of the Green Man with Celtic knots at the games and hung it on the wall of my living room he fills the wall and is most beautiful

and here is a spider I found when I drove around trying to find a 10 acre sculpture park on my island I think I was getting close

Photobucket where I've been storing my photos for five years has decided I have to pay $499 a year to put my photos on this blog

that's it for now Darklings
gonna go cry for no reason except here I am stuck with this faulty brain
crying is what I do best

owning my crazy 6.

fr instance now I'm hungry so I'm going back to get out the stuff for pasta primavera again

mockingbird wish me luck

owning my crazy 5.

fr instance on Sunday I drove to the annual Highland Games on the Skagit River I wisely avoided the carnival concession stands and wandered around saw some cool stuff talked to people talk salad talktalk then I got hot after walking for five hours and I found a way to get down to the river where I was able to cool my legs then I decided to go to my favorite Mexican restaurant in town and I was seated behind a man and his family the man was screaming about Muslims and how they were all out to destroy America (his exact words) and praising Trump and then he started complaining loudly about the fact that the restaurant had French fries on their menu and why would a Mexican place have French fries instead of tacos pronounced tack-ohs (the other side of the restaurant is a steak house) and I could see the Latina waitress getting anxious and when I finished my meal I walked up to the man's table and quietly said Excuse me I could not help overhearing your conversation I am a Muslim and your words were hurtful and offensive and he started screaming at me GOOD YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY YOU CHICKENSHIT TERRORIST even though I am the whitest woman in the universe then I walked out and he followed me to my car still screaming obscenities so I got out my phone and began to film him as he was holding the door to the restaurant open so everyone inside could hear him then he followed me to my car still screaming so I grabbed my Club steering wheel lock which is extremely heavy and sharp and pointed it at him and he went back inside and I tore out of there thinking he was going to follow me and honestly I would have done this had I been sane but it sure felt like part of my crazy and I felt shame and fear for hours after

when I was poor I kept a small Lodge cast iron skillet in my car as a weapon the Club is even better as it has mean ridges

I guess I'll not be going back to that restaurant since I made a scene of sorts even though I kept my voice down now that I have some distance on it I'm glad I spoke up but I knew this part of the state was viciously pro-Trump I knew it when I moved here

I apologize for adding to that man's anger but not for defending whomever might have been hurt by his words

owning my crazy 4.

fr instance yesterday as I drove to the store I saw a huge garage sale being set up at the church and I pulled in because I spotted what might be an incredible bookshelf pulling in was difficult because there was a giant sign blocking the church parking lot that read CLOSED UNTIL SATURDAY I got out of my car and a woman came running up to me and I started manic talktalk to her asking when the sale was (clearly it was Saturday) and then I told her sure I'd come to their Bible study Wednesday morning which I will not do not ever talk salad is so horrible and it gets worse

owning my crazy 3.

fr instance I decided to vacuum the entire house using my old vacuum cleaner instead of the robot and I spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to turn it on and ended up calling my son asking him how to do it even though I've been using the vacuum cleaner for years he told me push the bright red button that reads OFF/ON this was embarrassing and he was working and I irritated him I know though he did not let it show as he somewhat understands my crazy

owning my crazy 2.

fr instance I got out all the ingredients to make peach Danishes left all the stuff out then once the cheese got soft and the peaches nicely macerated I put it all back in the fridge probably ruining the three perfect peaches then I decided I wanted to make pasta primavera so I got asparagus and morel mushrooms and brussels prouts (I always spell it that way that's not my crazy) and onion and an entire burrata out on the counter let stuff get to room temperature then put it all back in the fridge hours later with most likely a ruined burrata since it's hot out

owning my crazy 1.

fr instance I've been watching Ink Masters all day and one of their challenges was to tattoo women who had breast cancer and had either no breasts or breast reconstruction that left them with no nipples this made me cry for hours literally for hours I could not stop crying and I'm still watching I'll probably sit here and watch all night
Dear Darklings, I have so much to tell you but mania + seroquel have turned my brains to mush. This is  just a note to let you know I'm not dead yet.


Thursday, July 6, 2017

Weak end update

I mopped the kitchen floor and now I am literally physically exhausted so maybe there is something happening in my body that makes me crave rest

I bet that bee sting infection is barreling toward my heart and I will be dead within a week

That's what I get for worshipping the little buggers

Your Friendly Neighborhood Hypochondriac slash Neurotic


I'm not having cake for lunch I'm having Doritos dipped left handed into some elderly cream cheese and sweet iced tea that I made last weekend that's right boys and girls my love of processed fake cheese "foods" full of chemical poisons and The Devil Sugar continues unabated 

The Lazy R Ranch

I feel lazy today not in the pejorative way more in the way of cattle branding or how folks in the olden days used to call my Ex-Glamorous Job The Lazy B because of the slant of that initial on its logo

yesterday I called DOGNURSE and canceled my appointment for today I got in under her 24 hour deadline so I won't get charged for my canceling this after spending quite a bit of time with her accountant wondering why I got billed twice the exact same bill with the exact same medical codes (after a while you learn to read these codes) one for $42 and another for $132 apparently she sometimes charges me for talk therapy (which we don't do we only do meds) and sometimes she just charges me for meds I did end up paying her full price after three years because Medicaid didn't pay even though when I called Medicaid they said she was covered or I was covered with her and she also said she was licensed for Medicaid which she later denied saying

I know

only one more year with her then I can get off disability and be on regulation Social Security and it will be a blessing I am doing my best to only see her every three months which means I have to lie and tell her I'M FEELING JUST GREAT THANK YOU then take my prescriptions and run like hell only one more year only four more visits and I will find a great shrink one whom I actually trust one who remembers my name one who lives near me not two hours away not one who essentially cheats and lies

I told her I was too manic to drive today which is the truth I didn't tell her that my manic uptick was starting to sizzle down until I remembered my appointment with her I didn't tell her that seeing her seeing any human other than my son causes me terrible anxiety though I have told her in the past I have told her over and over remember when I told her I had PTSD and she said Oh that's no big deal we all have PTSD these days then I asked her if she hid in the closet whenever her phone rang or someone knocked at her door? very unprofessional ugh double ugh

sorry to go on about this she really pisses me off

and yes I feel lazy today my son is coming home later this afternoon and there is much I thought I would do like mop and turn on the vacuuming robot and maybe cook something instead I am filled with STOPPED-NESS my body today demands that I lie about and watch the monarch butterflies with Jupiter my body demands that I eat cake for breakfast my body demands that I continue cooking the marinara that I started yesterday instead of putting it in jars and freezing it for the future because simply turning on the fire under the pot was easier I did manage to take a bath and wash my hair and I wrote two letters and I washed the floaty starfish quilt that drags me into the dreamocean at night and I washed some dishes turned on the half full dishwasher and I took the garbage and recycling out to the bins that's about it

the lazy days of summer and the delicious naughty feeling of skipping school or calling in sick to work when you feel 100%

cake for lunch too I'm thinking

I will come back and answer all your lovely comments when my bee-stung finger heals right now it is slimed up with Neosporin and covered with a bandaid but my finger is so hot that the Neosporin is melting and oozing out and got the letter L greasy on my beautiful Mac plus I have to type everything three times because I touch type and being out a digit makes my typing ;ook ike this


Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Welcome to July

I haven't posted in a while because I've been content with reading digging in the dirt playing my violin and for the most part staying off line I am not used to happiness I am not used to this lack of stress and worry I keep waiting for that other shoe the anvil shaped shoe to drop on my head

it took me six months to move my body out of my bedroom and into the living room to watch some movies so far I watched two I Am Not Your Negro a documentary about James Baldwin which was incredible (I own and have read and studied the book) and La La Land

I Am Not Your Negro brought hot ancient tears I remember asking my darling brother how our mother became so racist in her elderly and he said that she was always that way but we didn't have any context as children with which to recognize it and he was right as he always is because now that I have some distance from her corporeal being I am remembering things she said jokes she made nasty comments what you would expect from her and her general ugliness as a person please watch this movie with your children

which brings me to La La Land which was hugely problematic for me the biggest problem being that the only people of color in the movie were entertainers hmmmm... and a white boy wanted to bring jazz back to popular culture HELLO? with no mention as to the African roots of jazz there is that -- a feeling of unbalance of racism that made me uncomfortable and I've never been a fan of Ryan "I took three months of piano lessons so I could play a musician in a movie" Gosling I think his face lacks character he reminds me of a tall thin rat and always has of course there are no actual musicians in Holyrood who could have done justice to the part hmmmmmmmm...also when Gosling sang he was so off key so consistently flat that I kept correcting him in my head sometimes screaming the correct note out to the telly which is a thing I do yes and yes I have absolute pitch I just do I was born with it I suppose and I have a lot of attitude about actors faking being musicians to her credit Emma Stone an actor I like could sing on key she had a surprisingly sweet untrained soprano voice surprising because her speaking voice is so deep I loved the dances the dresses and the scene at the Griffith Observatory which was enchanting and the catchy theme song which rolled around in my head hours after watching the movie

I drove to the market the other day because I was out of flour and even though my car is over a year old it still has New Car Smell and only 5,000 miles on the odometer even with two trips to the central Oregon coast and 496,900 trips from Seattle to the north while I was house hunting my car sits gathering pine needles which I occasionally sweep out with a wide black paint brush because I am so happy to just be here to be in my body which is behaving perfectly (no nausea etc) to put together my library which is coming along except for boxes of my son's crap which magically appear in there soon after I make a new space then when he leaves I move them back to his room yes his room is small but he is gone  most of the time and if his room is too small I have invited him to move his crap to his father's house or one of his many friends' houses and I'm sticking to my guns I am Annie Oakleying this to the bitter end he can have all the space he wants when I die and leave him the house but for now it's mine and I have dreamed of the library for my entire I tried to make a short video of it but could not get it to post so I will try Vimeo if I can remember my password for now here is a peek

featuring Angela Simione's incredible art

I finally moved into the kitchen as well I mean I have been cooking like a fiend since I moved in even when I couldn't eat but then I would scurry to my room with my food because I have not had a kitchen table in 30 years and I'm used to eating on my lap now I take my meals at the table with napkins and this spectacular view and I've been sitting there to write a habit I had for years that I missed also I have gained 8 pounds since I stopped with all the womit but it's okay my face looks better my skin is glowy and it's nice to be able to keep food inside

every morning I get awakened by Jupiter who has decided that 5:30 is GET UP!!! is morning she meepmeepmeeps at me then jumps on the bed with her kitty-spit-soaked toys and she stretches out beside me and tucks them into my hair and purrs until I wake she is not a lap kitty and probably will never be but she is so danged affectionate that she has enclosed my heart with Animal God love kitty spit and all after I feed the cats I make coffee then I go out and look at my garden I put my face right into the tomatoes oh god they smell so amazing when the sun is high I have radishes and tomatoes (still green) and cucumbers and zucchini which I pick when they are tiny did I tell you a bee stung me on the tip of my right hand ring finger? and now it is infected and it reminds me of being a child when I was a dedicated nail biter and was always getting infected fingers which my mother wrapped in bread soaked in milk -- a milk poultice -- the wet milk would dry and the bread drew out the infection I was not taken to a doctor until I almost died from pneumonia in the third grade of course doctors might have figured out what was going on with me so they were The Enemy and had to be avoided at all costs which brings me to what is happening to my eyebulbs which is KILLER POLLEN

I have always been very allergic to pollen in early and then again in late summer and I get terribly itchy eyes which I soothe by soaking a wash cloth in milk and pressing it against my eyes until they stop itching and I didn't make the connection between my mother's milk poultices and my own milk eyebulb habit which I learned from the hippies on the farm until this week I still refuse to drink the stuff but it works swiftly for itchy eyebulbs and always has

I have recently read two memoirs one by Patricia Lockwood Priestdaddy which is full of funny and brilliant writing as all of Tricia's writing is but also very light and airy with nothing really happening in the book none of life pushing against life nothing hard to rise above if that makes sense and Roxane Gay's Hunger which spoke to me deeply and personally but which lacked finesse and contained some grammatical errors lots of grammatical errors which I tend to circle with a pen as I read and surprised me from a PhD writer but chalk that up to bad editing both books were good and I recommend them both

this is all so boring and it hurts like fuck to type with a bee stung finger and today I'm making marinara with Walla Walla sweet onions and baby zucchini from my garden and basil and parsley from my herb garden and fresh farm corn that I found at the market I was going to start up the grill and cook the corn on the recent war exploding holiday but I discovered it's no fun to grill alone and easier to boil corn then get on with life

tomorrow I have to drive to downtown Seattle to see DOGNURSE which gives me the heebie jeebies and this is my birthday month and I thought I was turning 65 but I'm actually turning 64 and this is the second time in 10 years that I forgot my own damned age even though I'm pretty good at maths

since I can't write for fuck I'll show you some more pix from around the house
here are some weeds flowers in the library my sixth grade teacher once told me that weeds were simply undesirable flowers I have never forgotten and if they're pretty I'll pick them and bring them in

here are some actual flowers I planted in early spring

here is a little terrarium I made for the kitchen table (I still have my giant terrarium of course it is over 20 years old now and it still rains inside)
here is a perfect angel food cake I baked using real angels that I ate with tiny mascerated strawberries from my garden

here is a peach buckle I baked that tasted exactly like a peach pie once I doctored up the recipe and yes the reason I've gained 8 pounds in a month and this isn't even stress baking it's happy baking!
and here is Jupiter busy opening every single cupboard and drawer in the house because she figured out how and it makes makes her happy
if you have read this yawn-ful post this far then you are a better man than I
I just hope my bee stung finger doesn't fall off I'm going to have a piece of French bread dipped in marinara my favorite meal for early dinner hello and love from Summer's End
lastly here is a religious text that I have not touched since I received it from a monk in 1984 raise your had if you know what it is